Men in Black II

Agent J:
Let's put it on.

Kevin Brown/K:
What?

Agent J:
The last suit you'll ever wear... again.

Kevin Brown/K:
Does that come standard?

Agent J:
Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

Agent J:
Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.

Kevin Brown/K:
I'm not scared.

Agent J:
Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.

Agent J:
What are you doing?

Kevin Brown/K:
I always do the driving.

Agent J:
Oh, no.

Kevin Brown/K:
I remember that.

Agent J:
No, you drive that old busted joint. I drive... the new hotness.

Agent J:
old and busted.

Agent J:
New hotness.

Kevin Brown/K:
Why don't you go get me some coffee?

Agent J:
Okay, you usually take it black? 'Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?

Agent J:
Could I have your attention for a moment, please?

Agent J:
Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been *eaten*. 'Cause you don't listen! That's the problem with y'all New Yorkers, you're hardheaded. "Oh, we've seen it all." I come in, I ask you nicely... how's a man gonna come busting through the back of a subway - then the worm comes in, and it's, "Oh, another 600 foot worm. Save us, Mr. Black Man!" You all...

Agent J:
Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, y'all have a nice evening.

Kevin Brown/K:
The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?

Agent J:
This is your favorite gun.

Serleena:
Silly little planet. Anyone could take over the place with the right set of mammary glands.

Jeebs:
Smoke 'em if you got them.

Agent J:
Worms! Give me some cover fire!

Agent J:
Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.

Zed:
You didn't neauralize another one?

Agent J:
What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue.

Frank the Pug:
D'ya tell the girl you love her?

Agent J:
Look, man, she's a witness in a murder case, that's it.

Frank the Pug:
Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.

Agent J:
You're back.

Kevin Brown/K:
No.

Agent J:
Then how did you know that his head would grow back?

Kevin Brown/K:
It grows back?

Agent J:
Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies!

Newton:
A neuralize...

Agent J:
Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more then a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.

Kevin Brown/K:
Agent J.

Agent J:
Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

Newton:
You wanna go to Cambodia?

Hailey:
Yeah.

Newton:
Hey, Mom?

Newton:
Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to...

Agent J:
Boy... Move!

Agent J:
I'm not going to take advice on relationships from a guy who chases his own ass.

Frank the Pug:
That is canine profiling, and I resent it!

Frank the Pug:
How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I'll just growl. Grrrrr...

Agent J:
How about we do the good cop, dumb dog routine, and you just shut up.

Agent J:
Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, 'Flush me J. Flush me.' and I'd be like, 'Naw'.

Agent J:
I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street, revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately, and would someone PLEASE check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?

Serleena:
Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential.

Frank the Pug:
You have children?

Frank the Pug:
Want 'em?

Kevin Brown/K:
The wife and I went to Vegas and saw Sigfried and Roy make a pair of white tigers fly around the room. Your act's nothing special, slick.

Jarra:
They caught me siphoning ozone from their atmosphere to sell on the black market. These humans are very touchy about this global warming thing.

Agent J:
Jarra! Hey, been a long time.

Jarra:
Five years and forty-two days. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.

Frank the Pug:
J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom.

Agent J:
Lose the suit!

Frank the Pug:
Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!

Agent J:
Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control?

MIB Autopsy Agent:
That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir!

Agent J:
Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?

Agent J:
The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.

Kevin Brown/K:
Okay

Kevin Brown/K:
What's that thing?

Agent J:
Please move to the forward car, we've got a bug in the system.

Agent J:
YO! WE GOT A BUG IN THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM!

Agent J:
Oh! Now y'all runnin' Now y'all... No, no, no, no, sit down, sit down, It's only a 600 foot worm!

Agent J:
K that won't work he's a Balchinian!

Agent J:
I'm gonna lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!

Agent J:
Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy?

Kevin Brown/K:
WHAT is a Gameboy?

Laura:
Half the time you were on your back!

Agent J:
That's how I fight.

Newton:
I'm up in my room with some friends, Mom!

Hailey:
I want to have your baby.

Jack Jeebs:
Oh, great, right in the pie-hole. Now nothing's gonna taste right!

Agent J:
Just about everybody who works in the post office is an alien.

Agent J:
Stay!

Frank the Pug:
Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I'm only play one here on Earth.

Agent J:
OK, wipe your mouth.

Agent T:
Oh, good pie!

Jeebs:
Are you allergic to shellfish?

Newton:
There's a huge rat in the toilet, it's all stopped up so you're gonna have to pee in the sink.

Newton:
Gentlemen! Seen any... aliens lately?

Agent K:
Son, you need professional help.

Hailey:
He's getting it, it's not working.

Agent K:
You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You *will* love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.

Agent J:
Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff.

Frank:
[singing "I Will Survive"] "... and I learned to get along, and so you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me, go on, now go, walk out the door..."

Agent J:
Frank! Bring your head in this window before before I roll it up in there.

Frank:
[Sits further away from the window] Got it! [Starts humming the melody, looking anxiously out the window]

Agent J:
FRANK!

MIB Customs Agent:
Any fruit or vegetables?

Serleena:
[motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.

Zed:
How'd it go?

Agent M:
The door-locks are gone and the treaty is signed.

Zed:
Good work.

Agent M:
Zed? What about that position you promised me in Men In Black?

Zed:
Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program, I'll keep you posted.

Agent M:
Wait a minute, that's not what you promised me!

Zed:
You're– you're breaking up!

Agent M:
Zed? Hello? I can be Agent M!

Agent J:
Wait, what are you doing?

Agent K:
I always did the driving.

Agent J:
Oh, no.

Agent K:
I remember that.

Agent J:
No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive... the new hotness. [points at Kay] Old and busted. [points at himself] New hotness. [K looks at J for a second, then J hands the keys over] Old, busted hotness.

[about the driver-shaped airbag]

Agent K:
Does that come standard?

Agent J:
Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

(Note:
Will Smith improvised this line, which the producers liked so much they added it to the theatrical trailer)

Agent J:
[J is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.

Worms:
[Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!

Agent J:
Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.

Laura:
Which one's Neeble?

Agent J:
Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?

Neeble:
Yo, mama! I'm Neeble.

Agent J:
Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.

[Jay exits]

Worms:
Twister!

[after K turned on the auto pilot during the chase...]

Agent K:
It is not automatic piloting.

Agent J:
He doesn't work when we're in hyperspeed.

Agent K:
I could really use a steering wheel!

Agent J:
We don't have no damn steering wheel! This is what we got! [turns off auto pilot] Didn't your mother give you a Gameboy?

Agent K:
WHAT is a Gameboy?!

Agent K:
When you get sad it, always seems to rain.

Laura:
Lots of people get sad when it rains.

Agent K:
It rains because you're sad, baby.

Laura:
It's not fair.

Agent J:
[Sad smile] Never is.

Agent J:
So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?

Agent K:
MIB's a mess. Let's go.

(last lines)

Agent J:
Kay, we gotta take them out. Show them there's more life than that locker.

Agent K:
[sighs] Still a rookie. *opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door*

Frank:
Whoa.

Kevin Brown / K:
You're standing between me and my memories, pal. Now you have this deneuralyzer thing or not?

Jeebs:
Mmm, no. Fresh out. [J and K stare at him, clearly not believing a word Jeebs is saying] Can't help you. [They continue staring] Don't got it... [J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks] Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! Sooo, what's MY incentive? [J points his gun at Jeebs' head] [weak laugh] Okay, homey, I keep it right downstairs next to the snowblower.

[K smiles, satisfied]

Serleena:
[holding Ben Zarthan disguised as a pizzeria owner hostage] Two slices of pepperoni, and any information you might have about the light of Zartha.

Ben:
Please, Whoever You Are Don't Hurt Me;

Serleena:
WHERE'S the light, Ben?

Ben:
I don't know what you're talking about. Please let me down, ma'am!

[A noise goes off in the kitchen. Serleena uses her head to direct Scrad and Charlie towards it.]

Serleena:
There. Noise. Kitchen!

Scrad:
Oh!

[walks into the kitchen]

Serleena:
You idiots see anything?

Scrad:
Wind blew the door open.

[Charlie comes out of his backpack]

Charlie:
Nothin' out of the ordinary!

Serleena:
[To Ben] For 25 years, I've been traveling the universe, looking for it. But it never left Earth, did it Ben? You kept it here!

Ben:
What are you talking about?

Serleena:
I'm running out of time! Where's the light of Zartha?

Ben:
I swear, I don't know what you're–

Serleena:
Listen Zarthan, you know where the light is, and I will find it. Once we have the light, Zartha will be ours.

Ben:
[alien voice] You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight, the light will leave the third planet and be back home. Sorry you made the trip for nothing.

[Serleena growls, her finger becomes one of her tentacles, whips Ben with it, his insides vaporize, and only his skin falls to the floor. Scrad and Charlie look down at it.]

Charlie:
Got nothing out of him! Now we don't know if it's here or not!

Serleena:
He said "third planet." It's here, you idiot.

Scrad:
[whispering] 3rd Rock From The Sun.

Charlie:
I never got that until now!

Serleena:
It's on Earth, and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.

Newton:
(to J and K) Gentlemen...before I roll the tape, there's just one question I need to ask; what's up with anal probing? I mean, aliens travel hundreds of universes just to check out our–

Agent J:
Boy, move!

Agent J:
[walks up to K, who is now the postmaster of Turro, Massachusetts at a post office; K’s name tag reads ”Kevin Brown”] Kevin. Heh. Wow. Kevin. That's funny. You don't have a ”Kevin”... You don't remember me, but we used to work together.

Agent K:
I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, Slick?

Agent J:
Okay. Straight to the point. [whispers in a serious voice] You are a former agent of a top-secret organization that monitors extraterrestrials on Earth. We're the Men in Black. We have a situation, and we need your help.

Agent K There's a free mental health clinic at the corner of Lilac and East Valley. Next!

Elizabeth:
Excuse me.

Agent J:
Hey.

Elizabeth:
20 Rugrats stamps, please.

Agent K:
Elizabeth. The United States Postal Service hasn't quite kept up with today's youth, but I can offer you some Berlin airlift stamps.

Elizabeth:
No.

Agent K:
Opera legends?

Elizabeth:
No.

Agent K:
American Samoa?

Elizabeth:
No.

Agent K:
Amish quilts?

Elizabeth:
No.

Agent J:
[moves Elizabeth over] I'm sorry, sweetie. Got a world to save here. [turns back to K] There was no coma. It was all a cover.

Agent K:
Who are you?

Agent J:
The question is, who are you?

Agent K:
I'm the postmaster of Turro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave these premises.

[Zed hangs up on him]

Agent K:
Kid?

Agent J:
Yeah.

Agent K:
Thanks for bringin’ me back.

Agent J:
No problem.

[about Laura being Princess Lauranna's daughter]

Agent J:
Why didn't you tell me?

Agent K:
Would you have let her go?

[they blast Serleena out of the sky with their space guns as she tries to attach herself to Laura's escape pod]

Agent J:
So what's it like on the outside? Not doin’ this every day?

Agent K:
It's nice. Sleep late on the weekends. Watch the Weather Channel. I did miss this city.

Agent J:
So Laura is Princess Lauranna's daughter. [turns to K] Did y'all...?

Agent K:
MIB's a mess. Let's go, kid.

Agent J:
Let's go? Thousands of people in New York and New Jersey just saw our little event. Plan needs to be thought out. Plan needs to be cool.

[K puts on his sunglasses]

Agent J:
What you...?

[as he puts on his sunglasses, K activates a giant neuralyzer in the torch of the Statue of Liberty using his watch]

Agent K:
Kid, I'll get you trained yet.

Agent J:
I want one of those.

(last lines)

Agent J:
Kay, we gotta take them out. Show them there's more life than that locker.

Agent K:
[sighs] Still a rookie. [opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door]

Frank:
Whoa.

[Mannix lands in the control room.]

Mannix:
Shut down power, shut down power. Buttons, buttons. I'm guessing, uh- yeah. [Presses the button which turns off all the power in MIB]

Agent J:
[Annoyed] Worms!

Mannix:
Sorry.

[at MIB as Agents K and J prepare to fight Serleena]

Agent K:
You ready, kid?

Agent J:
Kid? You know, while you were away lickin’ stamps, I saved the world from a Kreelon invasion.

Agent K:
The Kreelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?

[Agent J c*cks his gun]

Agent K:
You know what you're doin’?

Agent J:
Yup. I'm about to attack one of the most feared aliens...with four worms and a mailman. Let's make it hot.

Agent K:
No, no, wait!

[Agent J fires the gun at MIB HQ and they all get sucked in due to the pressurization]

Agent K:
A code 101 lockdown!

Agent J:
I know, I know! The building gets pressurized. Nothin’ in, nothin’ out. I knew that.

Agent K:
Yeah, you knew. Front and center, worms!

Worm:
You got it.

[Hot dogs from the cart blow in due to the pressurization with the umbrella blocking the hole Agent J made and litter the floor]

MIB Guard:
[brushing off a hot dog that landed on him; reading a tabloid that says "Satan Escapes from Hell."] It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.

Agent K:
I never worked in a funeral home. Somethin’ I can do for you, Slick?

Agent K:
Get a mop, and escort all civilian personnel from this site immediately. [After coffee has been spilt at the post office.]

Agent J:
Jeff, excuse my partner. He's new and he's... [Jeff attacks T]...kinda stupid.

Agent J:
Transit Authority, people! We need to move to the forward car, there's a bug in the electrical system. [passengers ignore him] Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!

Agent J:
[after Frank the Pug suggests the "good cop, bad cop thing"] How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?

Agent J:
Jeff, I am so not in the mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!

Agent J:
[After the Worms shutdown the MIB headquarters upon him and K taking it back] WORMS!!

Agent J:
[After K calls for him to leave, to Newton and Hailey] Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.

Agent J:
[after seeing the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures’ ”large adult entertainment section”] That's just nasty.

Serleena:
Prisoners of MIB. The scum of the universe. Well, now it's the scum's turn.

Serleena:
So feisty.

Serleena:
Here's the deal. I lose, you lose. I win, everything keeps spinning.

Serleena:
Oh, yummy. Someone I need to eat.

Laura:
An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.

Laura:
When we're kids, before we're taught how to think, or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.

(last lines)

Agent J:
Why'd you put them rats in my locker, man?

Agent K:
I thought it'd put things in perspective for you.

Agent J:
No, Kay, that's actually kinda sad, man. Really, we need to let them outta there. I mean, they need to know the world is bigger than that.

Agent K:
[sighs] Still a rookie. [opens a door, showing that humans live in a locker and there are many more giant aliens outside the door]

Frank:
Whoa.

Agent J:
[to Jeff] Sweet dreams, big boy!

Peter Graves:
Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that "never happened" from one of their files that "doesn’t exist".

Frank the Pug:
(upon seeing Ben's skin only) Hey, J, zero percent body fat! (Homage to Lara Flynn Boyle.)

Worms:
Once you've had worm, that’s what you'll yearn!

Grand Central Station Locker Creatures:
K is back! The light keeper! All hail K! All hail K! Oh, K, can you see by the dawn's early light...

MIB Guard:
[after J and K come to stop Serleena, he's reading a tabloid that says "Satan Escapes from Hell."] It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causin’ all kinds-a-hell.