Mental

Shaz:
I love ya, ya c*nt.

Trevor Blundell:
Ya f***ing mad b*tch.

Jane Moochmore:
That's Michelle. She's mental. We all are.

Shaz:
I'll be the judge of that.

Receptionist:
[knocking] Barry! Mayor Moochmore!

Barry Moochmore:
[through locked door] I'm in conference!

Receptionist:
There's an emergency at home.

Jean:
[door opens. A lady sits on the bed, dishevelled, make-up smudged, adjusting her clothing. She points to a painting on the wall] I painted that.

Barry Moochmore:
I'm helping Jean widen her access road.

Shaz:
I love ya, ya c*nt.

Trevor Blundell:
You f***ing mad b*tch.

Barry Moochmore:
Oy, she's stayin' in your room.

Jane Moochmore:
Where will I sleep?

Barry Moochmore:
You share with Jane.

Jane Moochmore:
I *am* Jane.

Barry Moochmore:
I don't care about that anymore. Tell your problems to whats-her-name.

Shirley Moochmore:
Are you one of Dr Thornbender's patients as well?

Sandra:
Yep. And I love her. And I don't like whiteys as a rule, but Shaz... Shaz isn't white. She's a new colour. She's mauve.

Shaz:
Awwwwww

Sandra:
It's true, Shaz, you're mauve. You're f***ing mauve. Now Shaz knows. She knows. She's gonna change your f***ing life.

Shirley Moochmore:
That's the impression I get.

Coral Moochmore:
I can't go any further. I won't.

Shaz:
You don't get to the top of this mountain, Coral, then you're nuthin', just like they say ya are.

Coral Moochmore:
What's the point of getting to the top anyway?

Shaz:
Not being at the bottom.

Shaz:
I'll show ya the meaning of the word 'mental'. Page 354.

Coral Moochmore:
[reads] 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.'

Shaz:
[points to neighbour scrubbing her garbage bins] Yeah that's her.

Coral Moochmore:
'Stubborn, stingy, possessive, uncreative and unimaginative, directed to meaningless activities that require being tidy and meticulous.' It is her.

Shaz:
Yeah, they're all in there, the 'ole neighbourhood. There's that delusional over there. He mowed the same strip of grass yesterd'y. He can't help himself. [runs over two garbage bins and is chased down the street by a neighbour] Look, look, look at him, look. Upset the delicate balance of their fantasy world, they go nuts.

Coral Moochmore:
But they can't all be mental.

Jane Moochmore:
What are the odds of that?

Shaz:
Weehee. You just stumbled on the meaning of life and ya don't even know it.

Shaz:
And she's very, very sorry.

Doris:
I'm very, very sorry.

Shirley Moochmore:
For what?

Shaz:
For being a c*nt. [the others gasp] You are a c*nt. You are the cuntiest c*nt of all time. Admit your cunthood. It's an irrefutable fact, like gravity.

Shirley Moochmore:
Oh please don't make her say that.

Shaz:
Oh, all right, she's sorry for not being a very good sister.

Shirley Moochmore:
I'm sorry too.

Barry Moochmore:
Shirley. Shirley. I have been saving this for a special occasion. Your very own waterfall. [holds up commemorative plaque] Named it after you. Put it through the Council last year. It's in the rainforest near Mount Warning. It's only a few hours' hike from the road... if you use a machete.

Shirley Moochmore:
[takes plaque] Oh. Shirley Moochmore Falls. It's true - I did fall. I fell deep in a forest and there was no one there to hear me. Except there was someone... and it wasn't you. You had a family, Barry. You had a wife.

Shaz:
America, Europe, Asia, and all the way down here is Australia. Alone. Isolated. Ever wonder why? Why we're down here?

Jane Moochmore:
Well, we were a penal colony.

Shaz:
That's the cover story, yeah, but historically where have they always sent the loonies? As far away as possible. You can't get any further away than Australia. We weren't a penal colony, we was a lunatic asylum. Our ancestors were loonies and this is the result. Have a look around. There's no such thing as normal, there's just different shades of mental. Your totally mental are in the lunatic asylums. The rest of them: [indicates other diners in the cafe] the delusionals, the borderlines, compulsives, paranoid, schizoid make up Australia as we know it. We're nothing but a living experiment in madness under constant observation by the psychiatric community of the world. [indicates security camera]

Leanne Moochmore:
But, if we're all under observation and mental, how come we're allowed to leave?

Jane Moochmore:
Kylie Minogue. She left. She's practically British.

Shaz:
In any experiment there's test mice and control mice. Control mice are marked in some way and sent off into the normal world as comparisons. Kylie Minogue's a control mouse. Cate Blanchett - control mouse. Russell Crowe - a control mouse out of control. Rupert Murdoch, Nicole Kidman, the list of control mice is endless.

Shaz:
Do you know the meaning of the word 'conformia'? [children all nod] Well, I don't. I instinctively do not know it.