Mike Hammer

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Maybe Jack Cordell had just come back from South America. Maybe - anything's possible - even to spend three sunny years in the South America and come back looking like boiled white sauce, but I could think of a place where it would be more likely to spend three years and come away with a pallor. If I was right, I could learn a lot more about my client in the ID section of headquarters than I could sitting talking to him for hours.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I was in luck, his files paid off - Celeste Ryan was now Tempest Flame and was featured in a girly-girly show in the fifties. Her dance, he added, wasn't likely to be seen in drawing rooms this season... or any season.

[Anderson was just shot in the back]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] My client was nowhere in sight. He said he intended to ask Andy Anderson why he was tailing him. From the looks of things, I judged he wasn't satisfied with the answer.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] There's a saying that the show must go on. Nobody ever bothered to explain why but everybody lives up to it. Out in the alley, the police were removing the remains of a little fat guy who didn't have a chance. Out front, an audience who didn't even know about the shooting was enjoying the show. On stage, Tempest Flame was doing the dance that wouldn't be seen in living rooms this season.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Butler Tilton had a penthouse in one of the fabulous cliff dwellings that line the river on New York's fashionable East Side. I had never been a particular fan of his form of journalistic egomania, but I'd be the last to deny that he packed a lot of weight.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] When you're alone in a graveyard you have many thoughts - when you're alone in graveyard and not dead, that is. I was wired and jumpy. Doing a single at one a.m. in a marble orchard isn't the best recipe for steady nerves.

Ethel Fleetwood:
I knew you weren't fooled by that love letter routine. Obviously, you're a man who knows his way around.

Mike Hammer:
That's funny, I had the same feeling about you.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, I'll see you around noon.

Ethel Fleetwood:
Oh, you name the place.

Mike Hammer:
Right here. I want to see if Abner turns up in a cab or a coffin.

Margaret Reed:
This girl, Sandra, is she involved?

Mike Hammer:
She's part of the kidnap gang. Somebody double-crossed her and she thought she could sing her way out. Well, she didn't get past the verse.

Abner Reed:
Oh, you mean she's been arrested?

Mike Hammer:
No. She's on a slab in the morgue.

Trina Greco:
I don't know. She's been acting strange the last couple of days.

Mike Hammer:
What do you mean - strange?

Trina Greco:
Well, she wouldn't say who she'd been going out with or where she was going or anything and we talk about men, you know, just like you talk about us.

Mike Hammer:
No foolin'?

Mike Hammer:
How could he have met Sandra Mantell?

Ethel Fleetwood:
Oh, well, he knows every chorus line on 52nd Street.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, but that doesn't prove a thing.

Ethel Fleetwood:
Proof? But, darling, that's your department. After all, I'm just painting the picture.

[last lines]

[Mike eyes the girls from Trina's chorus line]

Trina Greco:
See anything you like?

Mike Hammer:
Aw, no, I was just window shopping.

Trina Greco:
I'll be right back, so keep your hands on the counter.

Mike Hammer:
What about your business partner. What's his name - Randall? What about him?... Well?

Carl Kunard:
Well, naturally as my associate, he would stand to profit rather considerably by my death, but Lloyd has no money problems. He's a rather wealthy man in his own right.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, well with some guys, when it comes to money, enough is never enough.

Carl Kunard:
I didn't think it was still in fashion for young wives to knock off their middle-aged husbands.

Mike Hammer:
It's still being done in some counties.

Carl Kunard:
Now don't get me wrong, Hammer. I asked you to come up here to find out who wants to murder me and that's exactly what I want you to do, but I'm positive there's no need to suspect my wife, or Lloyd for that matter. I'd stake my life on either one of them.

Mike Hammer:
Well, you may be doing just that.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Kunard added up to a regular joe. Maybe he wasn't playing it smart by refusing to offer up any suspects. I don't know, but I had to hand it to him. At least he wasn't like most of the squirrels who were usually ready to accuse everyone of mayhem - including their pet parakeet.

Larry Kunard:
Why? Why? I gave you everything... anything you wanted!

Carl Kunard:
You gave me nothing. Nothing! You don't know how to give; you just own - me, my mother - and what you can't own you break!

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
He's all yours, Kunard - just the way you made him.

[discussing the man Vivian shot]

Alex:
He's very rich, Mike. He might try blackmail.

Mike Hammer:
Not with her packin' a rod. Her aim could improve.

Mike Hammer:
You want to kill me, Joe? I don't want to kill you. Not quite, just close.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Joe Sale and Rick Stoner knew how to work a man over - inside stuff - low, no scars. A beautiful operation... my recovery room was an alley down by the river, but they'd three fatal mistakes. One: trying to hook Vivian the very first night she got her wings; two: thinking I'd let her give me the slip, and three: not killing me dead when they had their chance.

Norman Sheridan:
You're intelligent; you've been around. You know that anything in the world can be chaned for a price.

Mike Hammer:
I'l make that your epitaph.

Norman Sheridan:
Hammer, what do you want?

Mike Hammer:
I want to kill you, but you won't go for your gun. I'll just have to settle for watching you burn.

Henry Polle:
Be smart, Mister. Get out of here or I'll call the cops!

Frank Otto:
Better make it an ambulance. It'll do you more good.

[a beautiful woman enters Mike's office]

Mike Hammer:
Well, whatever you're sellin', honey, we're buyin'. Come on in!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Traditionally, 42nd and Broadway is the gateway to the world of glamor. Actually, it's a street living in the past. Its once famous theaters which housed the Ziegfeld Follies and George White's Scandals had been transformed into second run houses; its restaurants into frankfurter and orange juice stands; it's cabarets into penny arcades. But to the glamor-struck youngster, it wasn't a tired old street with little to remind it of past glory; it was still a street touched with stardust.

Dora Church:
Oh, yes yes, I remember her, yes. We never should have taken her, she didn't have the qualifications.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, you were right the first time, honey. You should never have taken her 200 clams.

Dora Church:
I don't know what you're up to, Mr. Hammer, but if you're trying to build up a defense for this killer...

Mike Hammer:
I'll do more than that, honey. I'm going to find the *real* killer.

Mike Hammer:
The newspapers said your files had been ransacked. Do you have any idea what's missing?

Dora Church:
Only Mr. Poley could tell you that... and he's dead.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, that's right. Well, if he isn't, he's going to have a real yuck coming, because they're going to bury him in the morning.

Mike Hammer:
Somebody must have come in after you left and finished off the job.

Elsa Webber:
Yes, but who?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, who?

[Mike picks up a thick telephone directory]

Mike Hammer:
Here's a partial list of possible suspects.

Sergeant Maureen Hurley:
Mr. Hammer? I'm Sergeant Hurley.

Mike Hammer:
*Sergeant* Hurley? Boy oh boy oh boy, when I think of how unpleasant that word used to sound to me when I was a PFC.

Mike Hammer:
Look, I am not going to go through life calling a woman Sergeant... especially when I think of the synonyms I used to have for that word.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
Just a minute, Miss.

Abby Thomas:
What do you want?

Mike Hammer:
Aren't you forgetting something?

Abby Thomas:
Why, I don't know what you mean. Please let me go.

Mike Hammer:
I'll tell you what I mean.

[removes a diamond necklace from Abby's purse]

Mike Hammer:
This! You forgot to pay for it, didn't ya?

Abby Thomas:
We're in debt up to our ears. My husband gambles. He keeps telling me not to worry, he'll win it back.

Mike Hammer:
That's like tap dancing on quicksand.

Mike Hammer:
As the old gentleman says, if you don't speculate, you can't accumulate.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Roddy had a way with cards all right; he dealt from the top and the bottom with equal dexterity. I could have broken up the game right then, but I was curious why they were going to such lengths to get Bill Thomas on the hook.

[Vic suspects his wife of infidelity]

Vic Fontanee:
Maria...

Maria:
Yes, Vic.

Vic Fontanee:
When did you start to smoke.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] When I start looking for somebody, I always operate on the theory that sometimes the shortest distance between two points is the telephone line.

Maria:
Oh, I guess I know what you think of me, Mike. I made some mistakes.

Mike Hammer:
Mistakes? Is that what you call 'em?

Maria:
Yes, that's what I call them! I made them all before I met Vic. I've changed!

Mike Hammer:
Everybody changes, Maria. The difference is most people change for the better.

[discussing Helen's ex-husband]

Helen Torrey:
What's he done now?

Mike Hammer:
Then you do know him.

Helen Torrey:
I was married to him - off and on - for about eight years.

Mike Hammer:
Well well well.

[Helen offers Mike a cigarette]

Mike Hammer:
No thanks. Well, do you know where I can find him?

Helen Torrey:
Sure - under the nearest rock!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I'd been lucky. Torrey's toad-sticker had bounced off a rib. It had plowed up a furrow of skin, but it hadn't made any holes that needed vulcanizing.

[Mike answers his phone]

Maria:
Hello, Mike?

Mike Hammer:
[to Vic] Speak of the devil, it's his kid sister.

[last lines]

[Maria calls after Vic, who has just slammed the door behind him]

Mike Hammer:
You're wasting your time, Maria. Vic was never able to see you; now he can't even hear you.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Mike Hammer:
So some character with a long memory and a short conscience wants in, huh? What do you want me to do about it?

Pop Barton:
If I do pay off, I want all sales to be final.

Mike Hammer:
Oh c'mon, Pop, you know better than that. A shake is like getting olives out of a bottle - after the first one - boom! - they come easy.

Pop Barton:
Sharon Tildon, Mike. She and Hal are my partners.

[eyeing the lovely brunette]

Mike Hammer:
Nice work if you can get it.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The roustabout named Barney interested me for a very simple reason: when he got excited, he talked without moving his lips.

Pop Barton:
I think it would be better for everyone if we just paid off.

Mike Hammer:
Pop, all you be doing is buying a monkey on your back. You'd be surprised how big it gets and how heavy it grows.

Mike Hammer:
They say the show must go on. No one ever gave me a good reason why it should, but it does.

Johnny Aiken:
Come here! Look! That's it. That's the car Phister wants.

[Mike notices a shapely woman climbing out of the car Johnny is admiring]

Mike Hammer:
I could use one like that myself.

Susan Reed:
Well, do you want to make a proposition?

Mike Hammer:
Umm...

Susan Reed:
For the car, of course.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, that's what I thought you meant.

Susan Reed:
Liar.

Susan Reed:
How did you know Artie Phister and I were working together.

Mike Hammer:
Well, I didn't, honey. I just took a shot in the dark.

Susan Reed:
You want to be careful doing that.

Mike Hammer:
Why?

Susan Reed:
You might cut yourself sometime.

[Susan turns down Mike's request for a date]

Johnny Aiken:
Cheer up, Mike. You can't win 'em all.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, but I hate to lose the big ones - and I mean the big ones.

Captain Pat Chambers:
You're absolutely right, Mike. Those are bullet holes and that's a blood stain. Looks like somebody's been shot.

Mike Hammer:
[to Johnny] You know, the Captain's a real deep thinker - you know what I mean?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Upon superficial examination of the stain, I'd say it was made by a blood type O male Caucasian, about 31 years old, five foot eleven and a half inches tall, 172 pounds with blue eyes and light brown hair...

[starts to laugh]

Captain Pat Chambers:
...whose name was Harry Reed.

[the car that Mike found the blood stain in is once again a crime scene]

Mike Hammer:
[to Captain Chambers] Well, what's the matter, Punchinello? What happened to the comedy routine, the witty sayings, the fast patter, the snappy comebacks, huh? A guy almost had his head stove in here. Come on, laugh, clown, laugh!

Susan Reed:
Mike, how about it?

Mike Hammer:
Well, let's put it this way, honey. No.

Susan Reed:
Aw, Mike, why not? Think of all that money. Think of the things we could do with it. Wouldn't it be worth cutting a few corners?

Mike Hammer:
Corners, yeah - throats, no.

Oliver Lynch:
You're Mike Hammer, I presume?

Mike Hammer:
No, I'm Doctor Livingston.

Mike Hammer:
And the next time I want a small favor from your police department, Patrick dear friend, don't forget who gave you this case all wrapped up ready for mailing, huh?

Captain Pat Chambers:
I'm sure if I should, you'll be sure to remind me.

Mike Hammer:
That's a fact.

[reaches to give Pat the key to Lynch's safe deposit box, but Susan intercepts it]

Susan Reed:
May I? As another poor jerk once said, "Of all cold words of tongue or pen, the worst of these - it might have been." Well, heh-heh, back to the drawing board.

[last lines]

Captain Pat Chambers:
If I want you for further questioning, Mrs. Reed, where do I reach you?

Mike Hammer:
Try Jefferson 90770.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Thanks.

Susan Reed:
Hey, wait a minute. That's not my number.

Mike Hammer:
That's right.

Susan Reed:
Well, whose is it?

Captain Pat Chambers:
...His.

Mike Hammer:
Come on, Susan honey.

Suzy Keeler:
You know how jealous Bells is, Pops, he won't listen. I got in a jam a long time ago before we were married. Johnny Jersey found out about it. He threatened to tell Bells.

McCaffrey:
Well, suppose... suppose I talk to Johnny.

Suzy Keeler:
No. He wants two hundred dollars so he can marry Rosa.

McCaffrey:
Well, that's not all the money in the world.

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
The world of make believe was enough until you came along.

Suzy Keeler:
Why should he misunderstand?

Mike Hammer:
Well, because when you came into came into his life, you became part of the dream, too. It was all make believe, Suzy. It was like a fairy tale. You pushed the dummies aside and they killed him.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] They can't all be big ones. For every one time an insurance company wants you to find stolen property, three worried parents want news of a son or daughter who stopped writing. Back home, those letters mean a lot, but when they stop all together, the folks are hurt... and then worried.

[Mike interviews the owner of an acting school]

Mike Hammer:
My name is Mike Hammer.

Carlson:
Have you registered?

Mike Hammer:
Registered? Oh, no - I'm a detective.

Carlson:
A detective?

Mike Hammer:
That's right.

Carlson:
Very poor casting.

Carl Rodney:
Look, Mr. Hammer, I appreciate your interest in this matter, but I'd prefer to drop the subject. After all, my losses were negligible.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, well, my client's wasn't. She lost her life!

[Mike regains consciousness and discovers his file papers have been strewn about his office]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] When I woke up, I had the granddaddy of all headaches for two reasons: one was the sore spot in my gut and the other was because I missed the ticker tape parade - only this one wasn't in honor a champ, but it was in honor of a chump.

Mike Hammer:
Here, tell it to the District Attorney, honey, he's got a much better ear than I have. He just loves to hear a canary sing.

[last lines]

Carlson:
You might make an actor at that, properly cast. No technique, of course, but it might be interesting to start with such raw material.

[Mike eyes a beautiful acting student]

Mike Hammer:
What do you mean no technique? You want to see me handle one of those, uh, what do you call it... improvisations, huh?

Mike Hammer:
[to student] Excuse me. The situation is this: a sailor just comes home on leave and his girlfriend is waiting for him on the dock. I think it might go something like this.

[Mike and the acting student embrace, then kiss passionately]

Carlson:
Well, Mr. Hammer, that's the basic idea, of course, but according to Stanislavski, you're supposed to... Mr. Hammer, according to Stanislavski, you're supposed to... Mr. Hammer, you're being too basic!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] My old neighborhood was dying and I was back for the wake.

[at Charlie's wake]

Moose:
Charlie looks nice and peaceful like he's sleeping.

Mike Hammer:
No, he just looks dead with his throat cut!

Mike Hammer:
What about the cops on the beat? Do they have any idea about this? Do they know who's behind it?

Captain Pat Chambers:
How can they? Nobody's talking, nobody complains. My hands are tied.

Mike Hammer:
And Charlie Dagara's throat is cut.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Look, Mike, this is a police matter. We're doing everything we can.

Mike Hammer:
I can do more! I don't have to worry about a set of rules. I don't have nothing to worry about. I got nothin' to lose. All I got to worry about is getting that killer right in front of me...

Captain Pat Chambers:
What makes you think you got nothin' to lose?

Mike Hammer:
Like what?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Your life.

Mike Hammer:
What'll I call you?

Eve:
Eve.

Mike Hammer:
Wish mine were Adam.

Eve:
Why would I hire you to find out who killed Charlie if I wasn't on the level.

Mike Hammer:
Well, you haven't.

Eve:
I haven't what?

Mike Hammer:
Hired me yet. We haven't discussed the fee.

Eve:
I thought you were a friend of Charlie's!

Mike Hammer:
I was, but, uh, you know, business is business.

Eve:
What do you want?

Mike Hammer:
Well, make me an offer, huh?

Eve:
Anything you want.

Mike Hammer:
You got yourself a deal, baby.

[Eve points a gun at Mike]

Mike Hammer:
Sorry, honey, but I don't like reception committees. Besides, I don't think that things gonna work without these...

[Mike holds out a handful of bullets]

Eve:
How did you get those?

Mike Hammer:
Well, I was admiring your figure until I noticed you had one bulge too many.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The collector from the protection association was right on time. From the amount of time he spent in each store, nobody was giving him much of an argument. Two funerals in one week is a pretty strong sales talk.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] From here I had to play it by ear, which is pretty risky for a guy who can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Katie O'Donnell:
They've got in him that warehouse, Captain. They'll kill him!

Captain Pat Chambers:
Relax, Miss. Mike doesn't kill easy.

[Mike meets Johnny in a soda shop]

Johnny Allen:
Have a malt!

Mike Hammer:
No, thanks. I'm on the wagon.

[discussing a young gun moll who set up her sugar daddy to be murdered]

Captain Pat Chambers:
'Course, I can't stop you from seein' her, but she's a little young for you, Mike.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, I wouldn't say that. Now, if Tony Danzig was her daddy, then this guy in the window made her an orphan. Maybe I can adopt her.

June:
I went out with Tony a few times - for lunch mostly - but between you and me, it was strictly business.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, he got the business.

June:
It was terrible. You know, he never had a chance.

Mike Hammer:
That was the general idea, wasn't it?

Pete Martin:
Now, you walked away from a pineapple... do you think you can walk away from a slug? Do you think, maybe?

Mike Hammer:
It's been done.

Pete Martin:
Not where I plant the slug, shamus.

Pete Martin:
What are you doin' here?

Johnny Allen:
It's June, Pete. She just died!

Mike Hammer:
Well, that fattens your batting average, Pete. Women *and* children, as well as men!

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
[to Johnny] Kid, don't take it so hard. You know, you're not the first guy to get suckered by a dame. There was a guy named Adam, remember?

Mike Hammer:
[to Liz] Goodbye, dear.

Liz Allen:
Bye-bye, Mike. Thanks.

Mike Hammer:
Sure.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The man had been killed at the corner of 58th Street and Fifth Avenue early Monday. The police were puzzled by the man's identity. They'd be even more puzzled if it turned out it was his second appearance on the slab.

Pat:
Mike, stay out of it. You got no standing, no client, no nothin'!

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, what about him, huh?

Pat:
He's dead - murdered! That makes it official police business.

Mike Hammer:
When a client of mine turns up murdered, that makes it my business.

[last lines]

[Miss Patti is destined for the electric chair]

Mike Hammer:
Oh, what a waste.

Miss Patti:
You know somethin'?

Mike Hammer:
Hmm?

Miss Patti:
You smart guys burn me up.

Mike Hammer:
Oh no, baby, not us. We just set it up. The warden takes it from there...

[the police lead Patti away]

Mike Hammer:
What a waste.

Wallets Mack:
Look, Mike, we've known each other ever since we were kids in the old neighborhood. You should know by now I'm no killer.

Mike Hammer:
Wallets, you should know by now clothes don't make the man; neither does a course in elocution. You just exchanged Roosevelt Raceway for Ascot Downs.

Mike Hammer:
You're not tryin' to muscle in? The first time I've ever known you to pass up a buck.

Wallets Mack:
A buck, maybe, but nickels and dimes - no.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I still didn't have the answers, but the questions were getting louder.

[Mike confronts the balding Johnny Sixty with evidence of murder]

Eileen:
You caused me enough trouble and now you'll ruin my career.

Mike Hammer:
Not to mention your hairdo when they shave your head for the electrodes. And you, Sixty, you meathead, you look like you got it made.

[last lines]

[Mike's shootout with Sixty leave both the bald man dying and Eileen dead]

Johnny Sixty:
Eileen...

Mike Hammer:
She's already waiting for you, Sixty.

[Mike dials the phone]

Mike Hammer:
Hello, Homicide?

Mike Hammer:
Say, ah, you and Kelly back together again?

Tim Croyden:
I keep workin' it... on again, off again. The trouble is I can't keep away from her even when we're battlin'.

Mike Hammer:
[chuckling] That's what you get for marryin' a redhead.

Mike Hammer:
Boy, Kelly and Croyden are really at it, aren't they?

Jackie:
I feel sorry for Croyden. She gives him a bad time... and the torch he's carryin' is bright enough to read by.

Mike Hammer:
You just remember - don't give me a bad time... I-I'm the real sensitive type.

Jackie:
Sure... like a Sherman tank.

Mike Hammer:
Honey, you know Larry Mason of the Globe.

Jackie:
I've read some of his articles.

Larry Mason:
You see, you never know where you're going to pick up some news. What a story - a chorus girl... who reads.

Larry Mason:
[to Hammer] Croyden still battling with that wife of his?

Mike Hammer:
I don't know. Why don't you ask *him*.

Larry Mason:
Why didn't I think of that? I'll do that right now. Thanks, Hammer, for practically nothing.

Mike Hammer:
You're welcome.

Larry Mason:
[to Jackie] Miss I.Q.

[Mike examines a corpse in the alley]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The girl, Rita Miller, was a newcomer in town. Nobody knew a reason to kill her. She had come to the big town determined to make it sit up and take notice. Well, she was in a good spot to do it now... only she'd never read her press notices.

Larry Mason:
What would you say - another Black Dahlia case or Jack the Ripper... That's it - it's another Jack the Ripper!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The heat was already on and the body was hardly cold. It was the kind of a case that fevered the imagination and inspired letters writers to demand of their favorite editors why we don't get more police protection for the taxes we pay.

Mike Hammer:
Brutal killing is right, poor kid.

Pop:
She asked for it. They're all asking for it.

Mike Hammer:
What do you mean, Pop?

Pop:
Painting, flaunting themselves on the stage. They keep asking for it. Some of 'em get it. Actresses, hah!

Mike Hammer:
What's the matter, Pop? You don't like actresses?

Pop:
One of 'em ruined my life.

Jackie:
Mason said he always killed the same kind of women. Well, Rita and Kelly were redheads. Oh, Mike, Mike - I'm the only other redhead in the show!

Mike Hammer:
How come you were able to peg that as a Jack the Ripper killing before the second one even happened?

Larry Mason:
Aw, for... Don't push me around, Hammer! My paper wouldn't like it.

Mike Hammer:
Your paper wouldn't like you makin' the news. They just want you to report it.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Sam Earl was a part-time law student. He wanted to be a detective - otherwise, he was reasonably bright.

Sam Earl:
How do you expect to learn anything chasing after accident witnesses? We ought to go after this guy. We'd catch real headlines if we caught him.

Mike Hammer:
Junie, can't you do something about fat boy here? Now, he's a character. Now look at him - nice chubby little fellow, comparatively handsome... got a lovely wife, pleasant place to live and he wants to be a detective.

Sam Earl:
I gonna be, too - as good as you are.

Mike Hammer:
You want to be like me, huh? Do you know what it takes to be a successful private detective? You got to eat it and sleep it and drink it twenty-four hours a day. You hate and you hate it in return. Now you finish night law school and then if you still want to be a detective, you join the police department or the FBI.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Did I say I lived with hate? I didn't know what it was. I was an amateur in the hate division until the morning they found Edie with her throat cut and her hands and face slashed.

Eddie Nolan:
I want a gun, Jigger.

Jigger Sharp:
I ain't got a gun in stock, Eddie.

Eddie Nolan:
Get one!

Jigger Sharp:
It'll cost money - maybe a 'C' note. Maybe more!

Eddie Nolan:
Get it.

Jigger Sharp:
Hey, Eddie, I hear you're workin' at the docks.

Eddie Nolan:
Yeah, but I quit.

Jigger Sharp:
Is that so? What are you goin' to do, Eddie?

Eddie Nolan:
I'm goin' in business for myself.

Eddie Nolan:
What are you doin' here, Mike?

Mike Hammer:
I wanted to talk to you.

Eddie Nolan:
Well, Mike, I'm in a hurry. I haven't got time...

Mike Hammer:
You got a lot of time, Eddie. You got four years till you're off parole.

Marge Fallon:
You wouldn't be Mike Hammer, the private detective.

Mike Hammer:
I wouldn't be if I could find a better way to make a living.

Marge Fallon:
Are you calling on Vicki professionally or socially?

Mike Hammer:
Well, neither one exactly... and I'm not sure I like the way you say socially. I mean, after all, Vicki is a married woman.

Marge Fallon:
So she is. I keep forgetting.

Mike Hammer:
Apparently it runs in the family.

Marge Fallon:
What do you mean?

Mike Hammer:
Well, your husband seems to be having the same trouble.

Marge Fallon:
Lew isn't in love with Vicki Nolan. He's in love with his lost youth.

Lew Fallon:
What you you snoopin' around here for, shamus?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, you may be the publisher of a big magazine, but you still talk like a bookie.

Lew Fallon:
All right, Hammer, let's have it. What do you want?

Mike Hammer:
Apparently you and Vicki have been thick as three in a phone booth recently. It's got to stop.

Mike Hammer:
You better not be lyin' to me, Jigger.

Jigger Sharp:
Why should I?

Mike Hammer:
Force of habit!

Mike Hammer:
Jigger, you wouldn't happen to know where Eddie Nolan is right now, would you?

Jigger Sharp:
If I do, you think I'd tell you?

Mike Hammer:
If I thought you knew, I think you would!

Mike Hammer:
Come on, Eddie. It's all over now.

Eddie Nolan:
Where are we goin'?

Mike Hammer:
You're goin' to the chair, kid.

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
You know, Pat, I must be gettin' old to let Eddie Nolan make such a sucker out of me.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Did you?

Mike Hammer:
Did I? You know, I was rootin' for that guy so hard, I let Jigger Sharp get away with lyin' to me about the kind of gun he sold Eddie. How could I have been so wrong about that guy?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Forget it. There was one guy even more wrong about Eddie Nolan than you.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah? Who's that?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Eddie.

Mike Hammer:
You're gettin' to be quite a philosopher, Pat. You must be gettin' old yourself. C'mon, let's go home.

Mike Hammer:
You say you've been trying to get in touch with me for two days - now why? A man just called me and told me you were already my client.

Sharon O'Closkey:
A man with a quiet, educated voice?

Mike Hammer:
Well, he didn't say "ain't" but the things he promised for both of you and I were neither quiet nor educated.

Sharon O'Closkey:
Mike, you're fired! I don't need you anymore.

Mike Hammer:
Good! You don't mind if I have a talk with your boyfriend?

Sharon O'Closkey:
He is not my boyfriend!

Frank Beulah:
That's right.

Mike Hammer:
Then you won't mind if I beat him into a talkative state now, would you?

Frank Beulah:
You're going to get me killed!

Mike Hammer:
Don't try to cheer me up.

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
I knew right from the beginning that anybody who could lie as fast as you could and be so pretty doing it couldn't all be all good - and that's too bad.

[first lines]

[describing a rodeo]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Out where the sagebrush meets the hot dog stands, this is one way of making a buck; when the cowhands from Cheyenne and Amarillo proved it wasn't done by the aid of mirrors. It'a a business with its ups... and its downs, but it's all a way of getting ready for the really big time.

Sonya Miles:
Well, Lefty, my ex-husband. knows that Jimmy's wealthy and he wants some money - a great deal of it - before I marry him.

Mike Hammer:
Or? Or what, Sonya? You know, in blackmail, there's always that great big "or".

Sonya Miles:
Oh, please be careful. He has an awful temper.

Mike Hammer:
I'm scared to death of men who beat up on women.

Lefty Jones:
Who are you?

Mike Hammer:
Oh, I'm just a private detective named Mike Hammer. You see, sometimes ex-wives hire me to keep ex-husbands from slapping them around.

Lefty Jones:
Real tough guy, huh? A bad man.

Mike Hammer:
Me? Not tough... No, I'm really not tough. This time I'm here peaceful like. You see, I want to point out a couple of things. Number 1: there is a law against attempted blackmail; Number 2: there is another law that says that you're really not supposed to beat up on women - even ex-wives; and Number 3:... well, yeah, you can go and talk to the Hillarys if you want to, but I wouldn't advise it, personally.

Mike Hammer:
You know, Tex, never kick a man when he's down, because you never know when he'll get up on his feet!

Rose Stone:
What's the fuss?

Mike Hammer:
Ask Sundown here.

Rose Stone:
Look, Lefty's always shootin' off his mouth and howlin' like an Indian when he gets mad. I'll talk some sense into him.

Mike Hammer:
Well, if you don't, lady, I'll beat it into him.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Rose Stone had been registered there, but had checked out hurriedly an hour before. A light green refresher and I learned the clerk had made a reservation for her on the train leaving at 12:10 from Penn Station. It was 11:40 now - I had half an hour to find her.

Mike Hammer:
Come on, you're going back to your hotel.

Rose Stone:
Why?

Mike Hammer:
To help me catch a liar, a thief and a murderer.

Mike Hammer:
Well well well. Jimmy Hillary Jr., I presume.

Rose Stone:
But I talked to his father! I thought it was his old man.

Mike Hammer:
So did I, but one liar, thief and murderer is as good as another one. Alright, buster, give me that empty rod and let's go.

[last lines]

[Mike is dictating a report to Sonya]

Mike Hammer:
...but when Miss Sonya Miles came along, she was an unexpected but highly appreciated fall guy, uh, correction - woman. W-o-m-a-n, that's right. And so, in conclusion, Mr. Hammer would desire the presence of Miss Miles for dinner this evening and far, far into the night.

Rose Stone:
Would you like that last part in capitals?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah. Yeah, especially the part about far, far into the night. Okay? Yeah!

Myra Robbins:
What did he do, Captain Chambers?

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
He didn't do anything... he didn't see anything; he didn't hear anything, but we got a man on a slab in the morgue and we have a witness who says your brother saw the men who put him there!

[discussing a murdered man]

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
Maybe he wanted more for keepin' quiet - two slugs only cost twelve cents.

Mike Hammer:
No, no, no. He must have had some important reason for refusing to talk.

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
Well, he's got an even more important reason now. He's dead.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Jimmy Nelson made a mistake, but they made an even bigger mistake in murdering him. Alive, Jimmy constituted a threat; dead he was a death sentence and I didn't intent to rest until that sentence was carried out.

Mike Hammer:
Listen, you knew most of Jimmy's friends. Did he ever mention an Al Adams?

Myra Robbins:
Well, I've never heard of him.

Eddie Robbins:
Who?

Mike Hammer:
Al Adams.

Eddie Robbins:
Did you say he was a friend of the kid?

Mike Hammer:
Well, in a way, yeah. He's the one who killed Jimmy.

[during a shootout, Adams runs out of bullets]

Mike Hammer:
Forget to count your trumps, sucker?

Leita Andre:
You killed him! You killed him!

Mike Hammer:
No, chickee. You did.

[last lines]

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
Hey, Mike...

Mike Hammer:
What?

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
Come here.

[Pat shows Mike a photograph of a bullet]

Police Captain Pat Chambers:
This is the one we dug out of Eddie Robbins. You're a really lucky guy - it had your name on it.

Mike Hammer:
[chuckling] They spelled it wrong.

Vic:
I gotta hand it to ya, Hammer. You're one guy who uses his head. Mind if I borrow it for a while? [slugs Hammer on the head with his pistol]

Mike Hammer:
Well, Mr. Vinci, what would the painting bring on the open market today?

Mr. Vinci:
Oh, I think somewhere in the neighborhood of one hundred thousand dollars.

Mike Hammer:
My, that's a pretty good neighborhood to play in.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Miss Van Arsdale, it seems, didn't go for paintings. I'm with her - I'm an etchings man myself, especially the little green ones with Hamilton's picture in the middle. If I was going to earn a bundle, I had the ball rolling, setting myself up as a target. They'd stampede if they were following me as close as I figured. It didn't take long. The following morning they took the bait - hook, line and sinker.

Mike Hammer:
Well well well. You again.

Vic:
Small world, isn't it? Come on, let's go.

Mike Hammer:
Where?

Vic:
You wanted to find the Hayes girl didn't you? Okay, we're taking you to her. C'mon.

[Vic points a pistol at Mike]

Mike Hammer:
How considerate.

Otto Tyler:
You better get along to the bank. We just make withdraws these days, not deposits.

Otto Tyler:
I didn't think Sam Mayo was proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

Mike Hammer:
Oh Otto, Otto, in the face of all that evidence...

Otto Tyler:
Circumstantial evidence.

Mike Hammer:
All right! That wasn't enough for you, huh?

Otto Tyler:
To send a man to his death? No!

Mike Hammer:
You're not dealing with a man, Otto. You're dealing with vermin, dirt, lice...

Otto Tyler:
But he wasn't on trial for that!

Mike Hammer:
There's a difference, a big fat difference, between being scared and being a coward.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I knew Mayo too well, and to know him was to hate him.

Barney Green:
Those private detective credentials aren't a hunting license and there's no open season on Sam Mayo!

Mike Hammer:
You better knock it off, city boy. There's never a closed season on varmints.

Mike Hammer:
Now listen to me, Mayo. The cops have to use one hand on you because they have to hold the book in the other, but I can use two hands!

Sam Mayo:
You're barkin' up the wrong tree.

Mike Hammer:
Maybe! But I'm about ready to stop barkin' and star bitin'.

Mike Hammer:
You know, O'Dell must be a pretty special customer if you serve him after hours.

Rita:
Who says I did?

Mike Hammer:
You says you did. You told the police that you served Jack O'Dell dinner here between the hours of 9:30 and 10 o'clock on April 16th.

Jack O'Dell:
Get off my back and stay off, Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
What happens if I don't?

[pulls a pistol from his holster]

Jack O'Dell:
This could make a pretty big hole in your future, Hammer.

[last lines]

[although Mayo shot Otto in self-defense, Mike discovers the pistol Mayo used was the one used in a previous murder]

Otto Tyler:
I don't know why I went after Mayo.

Mike Hammer:
Don't worry about it, Otto. You were right all the time. Mayo was innocent of that murder. You got what you came for... but then, so did I. So did I.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Larry Jensen had no regular assignments; he specialized in off-beat feature articles. He was noted for his tongue-in-the-cheek stuff, yet he had been murdered by a pro. That was no tongue-in-the-cheek; that was strictly hole-in-the-head.

Mike Hammer:
Hello, Barbara. Do you like to dance?

Mike Cowan:
Mike, your fangs are showing.

Miss Carla:
We got some customers coming by tomorrow night to take a look at the stock. Set up the "Moonlight" number for 11:30.

Mike Hammer:
Where's Barbara Lake?

Madden:
I'm not talkin'!

Mike Hammer:
That's what makes horse racing - a difference of opinion.

[Mike brutally beats Madden]

Lucille Hart:
Mike, I've been thinking. You know, we really have no right to drag you into this mess.

Mike Hammer:
Well, honey, don't let a few bumps and bruises bother you. It's all part of the business. It will show up in the bill.

Lucille Hart:
I know...

Mike Hammer:
You know, nobody invited me into this - I invited myself in. This afternoon, somebody tried to put a dent in my ego; tonight, somebody tried to put a dent in my head - maybe the same guy. I just want to meet this fellow... one more time.

Lucille Hart:
With all his faults, Edward had one trait that I admire in men - he's rich.

Carl Reuter:
You're being ridiculous. If I have something belonging to a client of yours, why don't you take me to court... take me to the police.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, she can't go to the police. That letter says she was using those jewels to pay off a debt to you. Those jewels were later reported stolen.

Carl Reuter:
Well, in that case your client's in no condition to do me any harm, is she?

Mike Hammer:
Legally, no. That's why she came to me.

Carl Reuter:
You? What can you do?

[Hammer smashes him in the stomach]

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, that's right, my client can't go to the police - but neither can you, Reuter! That's right, no matter what I do to you, you can't go to the police.

[Hammer pounds Reuter in the face and stomach]

Mike Hammer:
You know, I hate men who live off women. Yeah, it's going to be a real pleasure convincing you... the only problem is I don't think you're going to hold out long enough to make it worth my while.

Mike Hammer:
You know, Reuter, this was a social call - I was on my best behavior. If you don't get those letters in my office by midnight, the next call won't be so social.

[last lines]

Lucille Hart:
It's too late, Mike... Oh, Mike, I had it all figured out. With those letters, I didn't need Reuter any more - it could all be mine! I was playing for both of us, Mike...

Mike Hammer:
No, baby, it just looked that way. In a deal like this, the payoff is always grief... It's always grief or a shroud.

Mike Hammer:
Like the man said, we get letters: are you satisfied with your front lawn; how does your garden grow; wouldn't you rather be driving a better car; twenty dollars will support a Maori headhunter for a month - please remit. I file 'em.

[Mike dumps the letters into his wastepaper basket, but one catches his eye]

[last lines]

[Mike starts to read his mail]

Mike Hammer:
Dear Mr. Hammer, you've got to help me. I'm in deep trouble; I'm being held against my will... Oh, no!

[Mike tears the letter up into little pieces and peruses the rest of his mail]

Mike Hammer:
Bills, bills, bills, bills...

[Mike picks up the last envelope, sniffs it, smiles and opens it]

Mike Hammer:
Dear Mr. Hammer, my name is Paula Smith. I'm 21 years old and I need your help. I'm desperate. You see, when I...

[Mike scans the rest of the page, wide-eyed, then smiles]

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] New York, like any town, has a right side and a wrong side of the tracks... and if you cross 'em, and you don't belong, suddenly your suit doesn't fit, your necktie's the wrong color and you wish you had your shoes shined that morning - things that you never cared about in your own bailiwick.

Rita Patten:
I've been shopping. If you give me a minute, I'd like to change into something more comfortable.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, I'd have been disappointed if you hadn't said that.

Mike Hammer:
When you get into something more comfortable, we'll talk about it.

Rita Patten:
The talking won't work, you know.

Mike Hammer:
I'm being paid to see it does work and I generally collect my fee.

Rita Patten:
Oh? That sounds a bit high handed.

Mike Hammer:
Mrs. Sandborg said I was to stop at nothing to break it up.

Rita Patten:
Even, um, physical violence?

Mike Hammer:
Well, she said I wasn't supposed to kill ya.

Rita Patten:
I'm not supposed to love this man because he's older, or because he's too tall or too short, or too fat or too thin? A lot of people would go through life without love if that were the case, Mr. Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
I'm sure going to hate losing that fee - Mrs. Sandborg needs it so little.

[when Castle, posing as Hammer, starts to hurt Rita, Mike intervenes and beats him almost senseless]

Mike Hammer:
All right, Charley, a receiving hospital ought to put back in shape - make a new man out of you in about a month. Now, next time, take off your hat before you hit a lady!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Unfortunately, I couldn't go back and ask Castle, double or nothing. Evidently, I was losing my punch. The receiving hospital had taped his ribs and let him go. He'd blown town - but far!

Rita Patten:
I have to change now.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah.

Mike Hammer, Rita Patten:
Into something more comfortable.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] New York is a great place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit there - in August. When the temperature and the humidity start fighting it out for first place, I take to the hills.

[Mary is treading water next to Mike's lake deck]

Irene Jackson:
Are you going to pull me in or throw me back?

Mike Hammer:
I may have you stuffed and mounted!

Irene Jackson:
I was getting pretty tired.

Mike Hammer:
Going any place in particular?

Irene Jackson:
You're the strangest man. Most people would ask where I came from.

Mike Hammer:
You mean you don't live in a grotto at the bottom of the lake?

Arnold Sterling:
Frazier, this is your home and you are entitled to invite anyone you like, but I think you should know this man is nothing but a cheap crook!

Mike Hammer:
I resent that. I got paid for sending your client to jail.

Dr. Chris McCullough:
So you're a private eye.

Mike Hammer:
Apparently, that's lower than a beachcomber.

Dr. Chris McCullough:
Around here, old boy, that's rock bottom low.

Mike Hammer:
Just a word of advice, counselor - get yourself a good lawyer, 'cause you got a murder rap on your back!

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
Just remember the next time you start fretting about that client of yours that I sent to prison on *faked* evidence, just remember this - I'm no judge and I'm no jury. I just got one job and that's to see the guilty guy goes to jail. See you in court, counselor.

Mike Hammer:
My client appreciates a personal touch, but, uh, he's not buying. You see, he doesn't like pressure.

Sandra Ryan:
I don't think I know what you mean.

Mike Hammer:
Well, let's put it another way, then. My client prefers that a sales manager calls on him with a sales book in his hand instead of brass knuckles.

Sandra Ryan:
Mr. Hammer, are you implying that there was anything illegitimate in our proposition with Mr. Sands?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah - muscle's illegitimate.

Mark Michaels:
Where is it?

Mike Hammer:
So you get the statement - he can always sign another one.

Mark Michaels:
Not unless he can operate a ouija board.

Mike Hammer:
He's dead?

Mark Michaels:
Now where is it?

Mike Hammer:
I gave it to the police.

Mark Michaels:
Not you, Hammer. You like to bury your own dead.

Mike Hammer:
I want the mugs that beat up on Mel Sands!

Mark Michaels:
What about me?

Mike Hammer:
That depends on how fast you can run.

Mike Hammer:
What's your hurry?

Vergie Darlen:
We leave in a few minutes.

Mike Hammer:
I know what to do with them.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Vergie had been one of Laurie's closest friends; in fact, she once told me that Laurie kept no secrets from her. Apparently, Laurie shared one secret too many.

[Mike has pursued a murderer to Brussels where Vergie's troupe is rehearsing a show]

Vergie Darlen:
Oh, gee whiz, don't be so mysterious, Mike. Why are you here?

Mike Hammer:
I just couldn't stay away from you, Vergie.

Vergie Darlen:
Oh, Mike I wish I could believe that was the reason.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, so do I.

Mike Hammer:
Well, it's quite a party.

[Andy points a gun at Mike]

Andy King:
Sort of a going-away party... especially for you, Mike.

Mike Hammer:
Well, honey, the gal that said, "Diamonds are a girl's best friends" was wrong, honey - very, very wrong.

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
Seven hundred thousand visitors a day to the World's Fair... it was going to take extradition papers to get two of 'em back. I'd be in New York in a few hours, but that didn't make me feel any better. I wasn't exactly sick - it was my pride that was hurting. I wasn't usually wrong about women... not usually.

[first lines]

[a phone call awakens Mike in the wee hours of the morning]

Mike Hammer:
Yeah?

Mr. Oland:
Hammer?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, it seems likely.

Mr. Oland:
This is Eugene T. Oland. Do you recognize the name?

Mike Hammer:
Well, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do.

Mr. Oland:
I understand you're a pretty tough fella.

Mike Hammer:
Well, wha'-what? You wanna take me on at two o'clock in the morning?

Mike Hammer:
Listen, chum, whoever gave you the information that I was a professional goon made a bad mistake.

Mr. Oland:
If I can come over and talk to you...

Mike Hammer:
If I ever took anybody on, it was because I was mad at 'em, in self defense or because somebody woke me up at two o'clock in the morning. Good night!

Mike Hammer:
Who do you want taken on?

Mr. Oland:
My son.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] This was Eugene T. Oland in person. You could not read the financial page on any given day and not see his name. His face had launched a thousand companies; his voice made ticker tape stand up and dance like a cobra. I wasn't about to take a job manhandling his son, but I wanted to see the kind of a father that would want his man-child beaten up and wasn't man enough to do it himself.

Mr. Oland:
Now don't misunderstand me. I don't want to hurt the boy in spite of what I'm asking. I still love him. I'm telling you this in confidence.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, I won't tell that you love your son. OK?

Mr. Oland:
Hammer, why do try so hard to be cute?

Mike Hammer:
'Cause it's after two o'clock in the morning and I tryin' hard not to be ugly!

Mr. Oland:
I'll give you five hundred dollars to drive me up there. What have you got to lose?

Mike Hammer:
Sleep!... But not five hundred dollars worth.

Mike Hammer:
I'm sure there ought to be something I can do around here. I might chop wood, sweep up the floor, maybe clean blood spots off the rug...

Mr. Oland:
No one's going to call the police, doctor.

Dr. Roy:
I'm sorry, Gene. I'll have to.

Mr. Oland:
And give the newspapers a field day with the Oland name and reputation? You owe me more than that.

Dr. Roy:
I owe you a great deal, Gene, but I'm a doctor.

Mr. Oland:
A staff doctor in a charity clinic - that's what you'd be if I didn't build you a hospital.

Mike Hammer:
Well, you don't hold any of my markers, Oland. I'll make that call.

Mr. Oland:
[to his son] When are you going to start acting like a man?

Mrs. Oland:
[to Mr. Oland] When are you going to start acting like a gentleman?

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I only had one friend as loyal to me as Braddock was to the Olands - my gun - but my friend was in the glove compartment of my car. I could have taken a dive through the window, but there was a lot of open space between the cabin and the car. Maybe it was just a heart attack and maybe the Olands were just protecting there good name, but I had the feeling there was a lot more being covered up here than could be covered up by a blanket over a dead girl's body.

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
Well, if a judge and jury doesn't separate you two, you'll live a long, long life together... which ought to be punishment enough for anybody.

Marie:
[eyeing a beautiful high-wire walker] Don't you ever pick on anyone your own age?

Lou Lindsey:
Yeah - a little older, too. You oughta know, baby.

[Mike's cover is as a carnival barker for a girly-girly show]

Mike Hammer:
Fifty cents! Half a dollar! Girl girls girls girls! Here here! Girls girls! Feast your eyes, men, but check your blood pressure - you're about to see the loveliest chicks this side of gay Paree. And here she is - Suzette Suzette Suzette! Her friends call her Sizzle. Known to all of Europe as the girl with the most tantalizing torso that ever tempted mankind!

Mike Hammer:
And this is Rita! Rita Rita Rita from Rio! This girl's shape launched a thousand revolutions! Do a few revolutions, honey.

Mike Hammer:
And here is Ingrid! Ingrid Ingrid Ingrid, the Danish beauty - the delectable Danish dish with the delicate dimples! What'd ya say, young fella? You can't see her dimples? Well, of course not - not from this distance, but from inside inside inside...

Dan Manning:
You think I got trouble? Doc's got his?

Mike Hammer:
Hmm? Oh, that's Doc's daughter.

Dan Manning:
The guy with her is a first class heel. Doc's gonna kill that drifter if he keeps playin' around.

[Mike notices Buddy approaching Lou and Ann angrily]

Mike Hammer:
Doc's not the only one. I think I'll buy a ticket to this one.

[Lou continues to kick Buddy after knocking him down]

Mike Hammer:
The kid's had it. Leave him alone.

Lou Lindsey:
Maybe you'd like a little of the same!

Lou Lindsey:
Goodbye, Lucy. I just thought I'd stop and say goodbye to a couple of old friend of mine.

Lucy Manning:
Where would you find any friends?

Lou Lindsey:
You know, I never could figure out why you let Dan chisel you out of your half of the show.

Dan Manning:
You got big ears, Lindsey - big ears, a long nose and a dirty mouth. Now get out of here!

Doc Fawcett:
What is it, Mike?

Mike Hammer:
It's his heart.

Doc Fawcett:
Get an ambulance, Buddy!

Mike Hammer:
No, get the police, Buddy.

Doc Fawcett:
Police? You said it's his heart!

Mike Hammer:
That's right. He's got a bullet right through it.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] So there it was. Doc Fawcett was suspect Number One. Buddy Cull's motive was a black eye, a bruised jaw and a fractured pride; Marie Staple nursed the kind of hate that only a disgarded woman can feel and Dan Manning, no matter what Doc thought, could have had a deep enough grudge to kill Lou to hurt Doc, especially if his wife had stirred the jealous fire in his heart. I had to find out who was lying and who had the chance to fire that shot.

[last lines]

Lucy Manning:
Come on, let's get out of here. I'm tired; I want to sit down.

Mike Hammer:
Honey, they got a chair waitin' for you where you'll sit out the rest of your life. Come on, honey, come on.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Somehow, in daylight, a nightclub always reminds me of a tired old woman relaxing without her makeup.

Laura McDevitt:
I've been out of touch lately, Mr. Hammer. What's the going price for theories these days?

Mike Hammer:
No, this isn't for sale, but I'll tell you what I'll do; I'll trade ya. I'll trade you my theory for Frank.

Laura McDevitt:
It doesn't make sense.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, I think it does. I think it makes a lot of sense. You see, I want Frank McDevitt for very personal reasons and I don't think that you and Huey want him at all.

Huey Gallagher:
Laura said there was something about the accounts that you didn't understand.

Frank McDevitt:
That's right.

Huey Gallagher:
Well, any question, why just ask me. I know the answers.

Frank McDevitt:
Okay, Huey. Tell me how much you figured you could steal before I found out.

Frank McDevitt:
Okay, Huey, you're through. Take what you stole and get out.

Huey Gallagher:
Frank...

Frank McDevitt:
Yeah?

Huey Gallagher:
I don't think you understand...

[Huey pulls his pistol and points it at Frank]

Huey Gallagher:
I'm not leaving - you are.

Frank McDevitt:
It won't work, Huey. I'll sing a song that'll put you and Laura away for life.

Huey Gallagher:
You know something, Frank - we saw to that. That's why we're leaving you locked in a room with a gun. When Hammer comes you can go out any way you want. I'm bettin' on feet first.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Look, Mike, when McDevitt was killed we figured there'd be a struggle for control - but there wasn't!

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, well, maybe he never took his hand off the switch. Didja ever think of that?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Mike, if you should be right - and I said if - don't try to be a hero. McDevitt can play plenty rough.

Mike Hammer:
C'mon now - McDevitt's dead. You told me so.

[Mike laughs derisively]

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The Bowery: I'll never go there anymore... well, that's what it says in the song and that's what I tell myself every time I wander along its crummy sidewalks, but I always go there some more. The Bowery - to the man who writes the encyclopedia, it's an avenue in New York City extending from Chatham Square to the junction of Third and Fourth Avenues at Cooper Square. When I go there, I don't see anything but a land of pawnshops and flophouses, peopled by derelicts and missionaries and God bless the latter.

[describing a beautiful blonde]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] In the flora and fauna of the Bowery, she was a lot of flora and quite a bit of fauna. She looked like she belonged in a field of Wyoming wildflowers instead of wandering through the human backwash of the avenue.

[Susan is mugged after taking a shortcut through an alley]

Susan Jarrad:
I just wanted to get to the other street.

Mike Hammer:
Next time, take the long way around. An alley down here is a short cut to trouble.

Mike Hammer:
My name is Mike Hammer. I'm an original resident of Central Park.

Susan Jarrad:
I'm Susan Jarrad.

Mike Hammer:
Susan...

Susan Jarrad:
Mrs. Jarrad.

Mike Hammer:
Listen, the next time you come wandering around down here, you make sure your husband comes with you, you hear?

Susan Jarrad:
I'd like to, Mr. Hammer, but I'm afraid that maybe I'm a widow.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] After listening to Susan Jarrad's story, I began to think that maybe she was a widow. The characters that take up permanent residence on skid row generally end up one of three places: Bellevue Hospital, the city morgue or the river.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Still, a guy doesn't disappear into thin air... thick water, maybe, but not thin air.

Iyla:
Honey, I told ya, I never seen your husband and if I did, I didn't pay any attention to him. You get so you learn to look at these characters without seein' 'em. It's less depressin'.

Mike Hammer:
C'mon, you eat up and then we'll have a look at the Arcade Recreation Center.

Susan Jarrad:
But that won't do any good. I went there first of all.

Mike Hammer:
Susan, you and I might ask the same questions, but I'll get different answers.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Being a very legal character, I wouldn't think of entering a place that was locked and closed...

[Mike picks the door lock, enters, and inserts an "Open" sign in the window]

[Mike knocks on Paul's seedy hotel room door, but the lovely Iyla answers]

Mike Hammer:
Well, this could replace Crackerjack!

Iyla:
Well, maybe I read that dollar tip wrong. I thought it was for services already rendered.

Mike Hammer:
Where is this average guy with the short haircut?

Iyla:
Blew town two weeks, a month ago. I used to live down the hall, but this is nicer - same price only this one has a view of the incinerator.

Mike Hammer:
[speaking on the phone] Hello, Homicide? Captain Pat Chambers still there?... Mike Hammer... Hello, Pat. Pat, I'll make a little deal with you. You tell me who this telephone number belongs to and I'll lose you a lot of sleep tonight.

[last lines]

Susan Jarrad:
Why, Paul, why?

Paul Jarrad:
This is all your fault! If you'd stay'd in Wyoming where you belonged, we'd be rolling in clover by now.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, you'll be rolling in clover, Buster. Six feet of it.

Mike Hammer:
[speaking on the phone] Homicide...

[discussing Glasser, a gangster Hammer just killed]

Jean Barr:
Well, what kind of man was he? Smart, like the newspapers said?

Mike Hammer:
Well, if he was smart, he wouldn't have carried a gun.

Jean Barr:
Well, you were. What does that make you?

Mike Hammer:
A better shot.

Mike Hammer:
Why the cross-examination about Glasser?

Jean Barr:
I read about you in the newspaper and I wanted to see if you believed your own publicity.

Mike Hammer:
Oh. Miss Barr, pulling the trigger on a rat like Glasser doesn't give me a kick and I don't like talking about it. Maybe in your business publicity is the first thing you think about. Well, I don't. Good night!

Bart Stengler:
You know, Hammer, you're all mixed up. You came in here, pushed your way in here, you give me orders - this is my country!

[presses buzzer]

Bart Stengler:
You're a tourist.

[a hulking bodyguard enters the room]

Bart Stengler:
Meet Louis, Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
I don't have to; I can smell him.

Jean Barr:
Don't you usually knock on a lady's door before you walk in, Mr. Hammer?

Mike Hammer:
I'm not sure that classification fits you, chickee!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The blonde with the camera wouldn't have to worry anymore about Doc's cough - or anything else. They'd fought together as a team to find their miserable little place in the sun... and apparently they'd died the same way.

Agnes 'Babe' Barlow:
Well, dent my fenders - Mike Hammer!

Mike Hammer:
Why grind my gears, Babe, how are you?

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The room was full of questions, but the answers were somewhere else.

[Babe is being interrogated by a police detective]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I let Babe do the talking. I wasn't sure why I didn't tell what I knew. Maybe it was because I knew too much and I'm the kind of a guy who likes to be sure all the lyrics have been written before he starts to sing.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, honey, he hates you so much, he'd do anything to get even.

Agnes 'Babe' Barlow:
Why should he hate me?

Mike Hammer:
Well, Babe, not bein' a man, I don't think you'd understand, but when a man loses his pride to another man, he can learn to live with it somehow - he can make excuses or justify it. But when he loses it to a woman, he's got to do something about it.

[last lines]

Agnes 'Babe' Barlow:
You killed him. Oh, you dirty, rotten, no good bum, you killed him! My baby...

Mike Hammer:
You had a lot of help, Babe... a lot of help.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] When I feel the need for peace and quiet, I pass up my usual haunts where I know too many people, and find a nice restful place where not too many people know me. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way, especially if I happen to be seated ringside at a lovers' spat. The argument had been getting hotter ever since the main course. It figures that when it reached a certain the only thing to do was cool it off... and while this boy's way of cooling it off wasn't exactly according to Emily Post, it was effective.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] It looked like the job had been done with a .38. Only one bullet had been fired, but that's all it took. Of course, you can't be sure about the caliber of a gun until the autopsy's been completed, but you can make a pretty good guess, just as when you see a mouse hole under a sink you know it wasn't made by an elephant.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Yeah, it was the murder weapon all right - recently fired and just the right calibre. It had a familar look about it... it should have - it was my gun.

Captain Pat Chambers:
If you're innocent, I'll do anything I can to clear ya.

Mike Hammer:
Innocent! I didn't kill him and you know it.

Captain Pat Chambers:
If you're innocent, why did you run?

Mike Hammer:
Why did I...? I'm on a peace bond to stay away from the guy; I'm out with his girlfriend; my only witness puts the finger on me and my own gun is used to kill him. Now why do you think I ran?

Tom Bronson:
You were right, Hammer. He said all he had to do was find her and you'd talk.

Mary Williams:
Tom, I won't talk. I-I...

Tom Bronson:
I'm afraid, my dear, that I'm no longer convinced of that. Frankly, I can't take the risk.

Mike Hammer:
Ohhh, tsk. Sounds like today is pink-slip day, chickee.

Captain Pat Chambers:
You know, Mike, you must live right. The girl's statement puts you in the clear.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah.

Captain Pat Chambers:
But you took a mighty big risk doing it the way you did.

Mike Hammer:
Listen, boy, you don't use minnows when you're fishing for shark, you know. And I was playin' for big stakes - my neck!

[last lines]

Captain Pat Chambers:
Speaking of loose threads, we got some unfinished business.

Mike Hammer:
Such as?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Such as resisting arrest, assaulting an officer...

Mike Hammer:
Still playing it by the book, huh? I suppose this time you're going to throw it at me.

Captain Pat Chambers:
I'll tell you what I'll do.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah?

Captain Pat Chambers:
You don't tell anybody you dumped me in an ashcan and I won't tell anybody you resisted arrest. A deal?

Mike Hammer:
It's a deal!

[Pat slugs Mike]

Captain Pat Chambers:
And that takes care of that. I don't like loose threads myself. I'll see you around... pal.

Lori Richards:
Look, I helped set up this deal. I want my share.

Lester:
You don't give me much choice, do you?

Lori Richards:
I didn't intent to. Now look - do I get what I'm asking for, or do I give my story to Hammer?

Lester:
[fondling a knife] You give me no choice... except to give you exactly what you're asking for.

Mike Hammer:
No, no, I'm leveling with you, I haven't seen her for years. I set her husband up for a five-to-ten on an extortion charge, but I haven't seen her since. She dropped out of sight.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Five and dime, huh?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah.

Captain Pat Chambers:
With time off for good behavior, he could...

Mike Hammer:
No, don't worry about him. Where he is, there's no time off for good behavior.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Dead?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah. He got it trying to make a break a couple of years ago.

Captain Pat Chambers:
The Department will take care of the killer, Mike.

Mike Hammer:
My way's quicker... much quicker.

[Lester slugs Hammer]

Lester:
I should have warned you - middleweight champion, Harvard '48.

Mike Hammer:
Middleweight champ, huh?

[Hammer stands up and decks Lester]

Mike Hammer:
Flyweight champ, P.S. 6, 1938.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I decided to have a little talk with Lisa. It might be interesting to see what Mrs. Brewster's prot?g?s were like - while they were still alive.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Do me a favor - take a nice long rest, will ya? Don't stir up any more business for us. Just take yourself a nice rest and give us one, too.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah. Yeah, I could use a good long rest... as long as it's not permanent.

Ed Camden:
You keep it up, Mike and I'll turn Sammy loose on you.

Mike Hammer:
Sammy? You know better to send a boy on a man's errand.

[Mike punches Sammy in the stomach]

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
Well, it looks like the Brewster escort service is back in business again under its original management.

Mrs. Brewster:
Where's your date?

Mike Hammer:
Oh, she's here - unless you're already spoken for.

Mrs. Brewster:
Me?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah.

Mrs. Brewster:
Why, Michael...

Mike Hammer:
Tell me, what's your fee for providing an escort for a gentleman?

Mrs. Brewster:
For you, it's on the house.

Mike Hammer:
All right, chickee, let's go!

'Very Very', Peddler:
I'm telling you this is a very, very good price. On Times Square, six bucks a pair. Yeah! I'm givin' it to you for three. What do you want?

Chinchilla Jones:
Why don't you get lost, Very Very. They're not interested in your hot merchandise.

'Very Very', Peddler:
Hot? Hot? What are you talkin' about? This is very, very reputable merchandise.

Della Seramis:
How many times do I have to tell you not to walk in on me. Briney would knock your teeth out if he was here.

'Very Very', Peddler:
Well, what's the difference. You got company.

[Very Very snickers]

Mike Hammer:
You keep splittin' your face like that and I'll do it for O'Brien.

'Very Very', Peddler:
I have a very, very good buy for you tonight... a necklace of real, genuine simulated cultured pearls. Hey, maybe your boyfriend might pop for you, huh?

Della Seramis:
This is not my boyfriend, this is my...

Mike Hammer:
...agent. Yeah, I'm her agent. I represent Miss Seramis in all her theatrical efforts, enterprises and golden opportunities.

[Mike stares at the beautiful Chinchilla Jones]

Mike Hammer:
You know, I wish I could say we've met before.

Chinchilla Jones:
From now on you can.

Mike Hammer:
What's your name?

Chinchilla Jones:
Chinchilla Jones, but my friends call me "Chilly".

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, but you're not, baby, you're not.

A. J. 'Fats' Tyler:
Yes, I've heard of you, Hammer, but don't start throwing your weight around here.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, no no, let me be the first to inform you, Fats, that you're a very lucky man. You're probably the only man in existence that I can't belt in the jaw in the due process of conversation.

A. J. 'Fats' Tyler:
Meaning what?

Mike Hammer:
Meaning if I let you have it just once, you'd probably fly apart like a jigsaw puzzle. Now I don't want a murder rap, so I discovered another means of extracting information that's much more reliable than a lie detector.

A. J. 'Fats' Tyler:
I'm not interested.

[Mike grabs Fats's nose and twists]

Mike Hammer:
Now, when your nose reaches the halfway mark, you'll have a bell ringing in your ears and your eyes will light up with a bright red light and, lo and behold, the truth comes out. Now let's have a little talk.

Mike Hammer:
[to Zig] Now I know why you wear those glasses - to keep the hair out of your eyes!

Zig Segman:
You're no agent!

Mike Hammer:
You're a psychic. My name's Hammer.

'Very Very', Peddler:
Hey, hey, that's my girl!

Mike Hammer:
Where's the sign that says so?

[last lines]

[Mike has just shot Very Very]

'Very Very', Peddler:
Chilly, Chilly... Chinchilla, I tried very, very hard.

Mike Hammer:
Give him a break.

[Chincilla bends down and kisses Very Very]

Mike Hammer:
Requiem for a sucker.

Mike Hammer:
I'll pick you up in a couple of hours. You'd better pack a bag.

Gail Chapman:
Where are we going?

Mike Hammer:
Forge River

Gail Chapman:
But how about your fee?

Mike Hammer:
We'll talk about that later.

Gail Chapman:
Thank you!

Mike Hammer:
You'd better keep that, too, until we see what happens

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The inside of the house of Shadow Hill was even less cheerful than the outside. It wasn't a place to live - it was a place to die...

[picks up a Colt .45 that was laying on a table]

Mike Hammer:
...and it was well-equipped for the purpose.

Janet Kellogg:
Yes, it's loaded Mr. Hammer, but all it's ever used for is as a paperweight.

Mike Hammer:
You must have mighty heavy paper around here.

Diana Warren Chapman:
I'm sorry if Quinn's deserted her, but I can't see her. It's impossible.

Mike Hammer:
Why?

Diana Warren Chapman:
I see no one!

Mike Hammer:
Why? Is it because you're afraid of their reaction when they see your face?

Diana Warren Chapman:
I think that would be obvious.

Mike Hammer:
Maybe to some people, but not to me - and perhaps that's because I don't understand cowards.

Diana Warren Chapman:
I haven't been kissed like that in years. I like it.

Mike Hammer:
Well, I haven't been celibate that long, but I liked it, too.

[last lines]

Diana Warren Chapman:
Mr. Hammer, I-I want to say thank you, but there just aren't words enough to express my gratitude.

Mike Hammer:
Well, just make sure that I get a seat down front and center at your next show, Miss Warren. And when you do that little dance in the finale, I want to be where I can catch the garter.

Diana Warren Chapman:
Mr. Hammer...

[kicks off her garter in his direction]

Diana Warren Chapman:
Catch!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Women splash themselves with diamonds for the same reason theater marquees drip neon - to call attention to itself. Sometimes the wrong people are attracted and that's when I deal myself in. I represent the insurance company. The next day, I was Michael-on-the-Spot.

[Laura's aunt and uncle were killed in the jewel robbery]

Mike Hammer:
That puts the loss in the neighborhood of fifty thousand dollars. My company gets very nervous in that neighborhood.

Laura Howell:
I'm sure your company has my complete sympathy.

Mike Hammer:
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, but you see, after all, no one can bring your aunt and uncle back, but the company is going to expect me to bring the jewels back.

[Mike gets an anonymous tip from a man who wants part of the reward]

Marty Davis:
And, Hammer, be real careful. The guy's a killer and he's got a gun.

Mike Hammer:
I didn't know you cared.

Marty Davis:
I don't, but I can't collect from a shroud.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Looked like they were all there, a half dozen pieces of polished carbon - expensive... oh, real expensive. These had already cost three lives. I figured it was about time to call Pat Chambers.

Marty Davis:
Now you listen to me, tough guy, there's a law against pushin' somebody around in his own apartment.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah? There's also a law against murder.

Marty Davis:
Well, you pretty well fixed that with Lenny, didn't ya? What do you want to do - dig him up and do it again?

Marty Davis:
You haven't a leg to stand on and you know it.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, that's right! That's right I don't. That's right. But now that I know what I'm looking for, I know where to look.

[Mike smacks Marty in the mouth]

Mike Hammer:
Wipe the lipstick off, will ya?

Captain Pat Chambers:
I wish I could help, Mike

Mike Hammer:
You can. Stay out of my way!

Laura Howell:
Will you please leave?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, after I get one thing straight.

Laura Howell:
What's that?

Mike Hammer:
I'm curious to see if you're plain dumb or whether you're bound and determined to try the hot seat on for size.

Laura Howell:
I won't listen to this...

Mike Hammer:
Maybe you'd better, because if you're carrying a torch for Marty, you're the one who's gonna be burned.

Mike Hammer:
[to Laura] Give my regards to lover boy. Tell him I asked about his health. Tell him he's not going to have it much longer.

Laura Howell:
He's not dying?

Mike Hammer:
No. Just of fright.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] One of the biggest thrills of an ocean voyage is that first view of Manhattan's skyline pokin' its way through the clouds and the welcome wave to you from the Old Lady of the Bay... but you get the same effect from a ferry ride, and for a lot less money.

[offering his handkerchief to a crying woman]

Mike Hammer:
Honey, if you don't stop that, you'll be swampin' the boat.

Mike Hammer:
In carny talk, it was called "the flesh grift". A new town, a new contest, every few days. The losers were too embarrassed to complain and the take ran into a reasonable figure each week. I had suspected the way it operated, but now that I was sure, I was ready for my talk with Robert Stewart.

Robert Stewart:
Looking for someone, old man?

Mike Hammer:
Stewart!

Robert Stewart:
I'm Robert Stewart.

Mike Hammer:
[pointing to Marta] And Enterprises? Very nice.

Robert Stewart:
And should I know you?

Mike Hammer:
It wouldn't help my social standing. The name's Mike Hammer.

Robert Stewart:
I'm not sure what Mr. Hammer is trying to say.

Mike Hammer:
Mr. Hammer is trying to say that we don't wanna play any more. We want our marbles back.

Mike Hammer:
What's the best time to find Mr. Stewart.

Marta Ryan:
Well, he's leaving at nine for a date with your ex-client. No one will be there.

Mike Hammer:
[hefting the keys to Stewart's office] Wanna bet?

Lori Wilson:
He thinks I'm a killer!

Mike Hammer:
Well, there's not much future in that unless we can convince the District Attorney he's wrong. If he's wrong.

Marta Ryan:
Mike, please don't get me in deeper.

Mike Hammer:
Look, honey, Stewart's in six feet deep. This is no time to play games.

Marta Ryan:
Be careful, Mike. He's got a gun!

Mike Hammer:
So have I, honey. So have I.

Mike Hammer:
I mean that you sent me to there lookin' for him and then you tipped him off that I was coming with a gun. Only one of us was supposed to walk away.

Marta Ryan:
You're crazy if you believe that!

Mike Hammer:
Oh, I believe that, honey, and the District Attorney will, too, after he finishes talking with Harry.

Marta Ryan:
You told me Harry was dead!

Mike Hammer:
Unh-uh, honey. I just told you Harry wouldn't bother you anymore. Oh, he's in good hands - the District Attorney's - and he's singin' like a stage-struck canary.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Oh, Mike, Joey was a friend of yours, wasn't he?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah...

Captain Pat Chambers:
So I guess you'll be rootin' around, gettin' in my way.

Mike Hammer:
Look, Pat, I don't figure that you're department's gonna knock themselves out over a poor fallen sparrow like Joey, so I...

Captain Pat Chambers:
Joey gets an investigation just like anybody else.

Mike Hammer:
Sure he does.

Captain Pat Chambers:
You turn up anything, you call me - understand?

Mike Hammer:
I can never remember your number.

Gus Peters:
Hey, that's tough about Joey. The cops find out anything?

Mike Hammer:
No, not yet, and don't hold your breath until they do. He's just one little less nothing for them to worry about.

[to the thug who knocked him out the night before]

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, those knuckles match my cheek.

[after knocking a thug off a fire escape]

Mike Hammer:
Happy landings.

Mike Hammer:
Are you looking for something?

Lily Yu:
I'm looking *at* something.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Look, Mike, for once in your life give me a break. Don't make me go around cleaning up the blood you're itchin' to spill.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Si Loomis was moving up in the world. The only office he'd ever had was in his pocket.

[Mike enters Loomis' private office and finds him kissing Dina passionately]

Simon Loomis:
Now look here, Hammer. This is my place of business.

Mike Hammer:
Business, huh? Well, I don't have to ask what your business is - she looked great! Who is she?

Simon Loomis:
My secretary.

Mike Hammer:
Secretary, eh? I thought the big love in your life was Edie Sanford.

Mike Hammer:
[to Edie] Boy oh boy oh boy. He's really pulled the wool over your eyes - right down to the chin.

Mike Hammer:
Ah, one more choice item. Another of Si Loomis' enterprises is a beautiful young chick.

Edie Sanford:
Shut up!

Mike Hammer:
You're being taken, Edie, in every direction.

Edie Sanford:
Get out of here!

Mike Hammer:
East, west, north and south!

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Well, I tried. Whoever coined the phrase love is blind must have know Edie Sanford personally. She liked Si Loomis, trusted him, was willing to be fooled by him, so she stuck with him.

Simon Loomis:
We're gettin' out - tonight.

Dina:
Tonight? Si, you really mean it? Just you and me?

Simon Loomis:
Hey hey, you better run home and start packing... Don't forget the bikini!

[first lines]

[Emmett listens to his voice on a tape recording]

Emmett Gates:
I mean it darling; I love you, I want you, I need you... You're the most exciting woman...

[Emmett turns off tape recorder]

Emmett Gates:
Did I actually say anything as banal, as trite as that?

Harriet Britton:
Word for word, Emmett darling.

[Emmett writes a check for Harriet]

Emmett Gates:
Now I give you this and you give me the tape recording and we can both look back on our friendship with fond memories.

Harriet Britton:
But Emmett honey, this is for two thousand dollars.

Emmett Gates:
Well, think nothing of it.

Harriet Britton:
That's exactly what I do think of it.

[Harriet tears up the check]

Harriet Britton:
Nothing!

Emmett Gates:
Nothing? What exactly did you have it mind?

Harriet Britton:
Fifteen thousand dollars.

Emmett Gates:
Fifteen!

Harriet Britton:
Well, think how much more that it would cost you if your wife divorced you.

Mike Hammer:
Well, I'd like to help you, Emmett, but getting stray husbands untangled from barbed wire just isn't exactly my line of work.

Mike Hammer:
You think we could have this conversation in English?

Harriet Britton:
In English? What y'all talkin' about?

Mike Hammer:
Honey, that accent of yours is as phony as a four-dollar bill.

Harriet Britton:
All right, you win. The accent is a phony; I wouldn't know a hush puppy from a St. Bernard.

Mike Hammer:
Well, who tried to make it look like suicide?

Emmett Gates:
I did.

Mike Hammer:
Well, what made you think you cold get away with a fool thing like that?

Emmett Gates:
I don't know. I lost my head.

Mike Hammer:
You could lose your head for real if you don't watch out.

[Mike and Mrs. Keller listen to a tape of Orson and Harriet fighting]

Orson Keller:
What's going on in here?

Mike Hammer:
Eavesdropping on a murder, Keller.

Orson Keller:
Now wait a minute, mister, you've got this all wrong!

Mike Hammer:
Yeah? Maybe the police can get it right.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
Five miles and five centuries from Times Square is Chinatown, a handful of blocks tucked away on the East Side near the Bowery, it is a city within city, a way of life to itself. It's crowded - ten men for every woman - but the people still read the writings of Lao Tze, the elders buy an ounce of powdered tiger's claw and for a real dish, try a hundred-year-old preserved egg. The people of Chinatown take care of their own problems; they're good citizens. Among other things, a good Chinese is a good gambler - he'll even gamble you're on the level - and he'll gamble with you around the clock, around the week, around the calendar.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] It started out as one of those days when I thought I'd get a little office work done. For a week, I hadn't been able to use my phone without cracking my nose on the top of the desk and then the door opened and there she was - a living China doll.

Sue Wo Toi:
Are you Mr. Hammer?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, that's what my father told me.

Copper Mako:
You copper this, Hammer - Toi don't return that dough, he's going to be a busted toy.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] Sam Wo Toi might have some answers and I didn't mean in a fortune cookie.

Mike Hammer:
Your wife hired me to keep Copper Mako from assaulting you.

Sam Wo Toi:
He's worried about his money and I am equally worried about mine.

Mike Hammer:
Hmm. Copper seemed to think that you arranged to have the game robbed yourself.

Sam Wo Toi:
Of course not. It was Shakespeare who so sagely observed the bad effects of protesting too much. Perhaps that applies to Mr. Mako, too.

Sue Wo Toi:
Please help us, Mr. Hammer... Mike. I'll do anything. I'd be very, very grateful.

Mike Hammer:
Honey, there's an old Chinese fortune cookie proverb - never gamble with a dark-eyed married woman.

Rembrandt Kloski:
With a name like Hammer, you've got a good heart and speaking of good hearts, I've got a very elegant special for this week only - three hearts in purple, puce and pomegranate for only four bucks plus any girl's name - first name only - for only a lousy buck more.

Mike Hammer:
You're a skin artist, Klonski.

Rembrandt Kloski:
Sir, I'm an artist that works in the media of skins, like Rembrandt - my name's sake - worked on canvas with oils.

Mike Hammer:
Oh, a suggestion: fewer dice rolls and more egg rolls make both the pocket and stomach happy.

Claudia:
Gosh, what a workout! What you suppose we're in training for - the Kentucky Derby?

Victoria Westcott:
You've already got the legs for it, Claudia.

Mike Hammer:
Highcliff overlooked the Hudson just a few miles above Tarrytown. it was one of the oldest and most exclusive preparatory schools for girls in the country. Ordinarily, I would have skipped the job, but I was tired of being cooped up in the city and I thought it would be good to get out in the country, out where there was some fresh air, open skies, trees...

[Mike passes through a crowd of shapely coeds]

Mike Hammer:
...but I was beginning to wonder if I would see the forest for the limbs.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The practical joker had to be stopped before someone died laughing... or screaming.

Samantha Hatton:
Mr. Hammer, I don't think that Sarah or Jed...

Mike Hammer:
You don't have to think it, Miss Hatton. That's my job.

[last lines]

[driving past a bevy of beautiful students]

Mike Hammer:
As for me, I could sympathize with Jed Coleman not wanting to retire and leave Highcliff. No man gets so old that he doesn't know a good thing when he sees it.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] It was one of those hot New York days... oh, not really hot - you drink a glass of water, wait a minute and it gushes out of your pours like Old Faithful in Yellowstone.

Dorothy Webb:
I want to ask you your price for catching a murderer.

Mike Hammer:
Well, that all depends. I've got my dollar-a-day specials, two murders for the price of one and then, of course, they're cheaper by the dozen.

Joan Barry:
I told you Mr. Lonzi wasn't in.

Mike Hammer:
Okay, I'll wait.

Joan Barry:
What do you want to see him about?

Mike Hammer:
Well, I've got a friend who robbed two pennies off a blind man and Mr. Lonzi wanted to invest them for him.

[discussing an hulking, but unconscious, thug]

Mike Hammer:
Who's Mr. Jutman?

Joan Barry:
He's sort of an assistant.

Mike Hammer:
An assistant? To Lonzi? Boy oh boy oh boy, this joint is just jumpin' with bankin' talent, isn't it?

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] There was a lot she hadn't told me... maybe she knew and maybe she didn't. It could be there was an alarm on the outer door and I'd be charged with breaking and entering. Could be there was an alarm on the private office, too, or Jutman the man-monk could be parked with a roscoe behind a desk waiting for me to break in. I didn't like it; I didn't like it at all, but I knew in a couple of hours I'd be giving it a try.

Mike Hammer:
[on phone] Hello, Police Department? I'm in an office in the Security Building and I just looked out the window and saw a man go by. What do you mean, what's so strange about that? I'm on the 20th floor!

Joan Barry:
[referring to Jutman's death] I read the papers this morning...

Mike Hammer:
Great! How's Little Orphan Annie doin'?

[last lines]

Mike Hammer:
[to the funeral director] Well, Mr. Taylor, in a very short time, you'll be able to try out your own merchandise.

Joan Barry:
I was trying to help. I gave you the combination!

Mike Hammer:
To what - a bicycle lock in Canarsie?

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The town of Ossining isn't far up the Hudson River from Manhattan - just thirty miles. It doesn't take much more than an hour to get there, but getting back is something else again... for some the round trip takes years, for others, an eternity.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Alright, Stark, what's on your mind?

Otis Stock:
Oh, I've been thinking about a lot of things, Chambers. Mostly, I've been thinking about you and Mike Hammer - wondering how you two would feel if you found out you sent an innocent man to the chair.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Meaning yourself, Stark?

Otis Stock:
Oh, you're a good cop as cops go, Chambers, but I figured you'd be bothered by a thing like that - jobbing an innocent guy - oh, and Hammer, too. He's tougher than you, maybe, but I'd give him the hives, too... inside, where a guy can't scratch 'em.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] It was one of those days when New Yorkers wished they bought an island from the Eskimos instead of the Manhattan Indians. The humid heat was like a barber's towel draped over the city.

Captain Pat Chambers:
As far as the Department is concerned the Bennett case is closed. There's not enough new evidence to justify reopening it.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, but that's not good enough for you, huh? Why? Do you know something more than is here in Stark's statement?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Yeah. Stark said he could prove it was on the level.

Mike Hammer:
How?

Captain Pat Chambers:
I don't know; he wouldn't say. He said the proof would come out after he'd gone to the chair.

Mike Hammer:
After he goes...? Oh, that's cute. He's real cute, isn't he? Well, if Stark's planted a time bomb somewhere, I'd better get dressed and see if I can find it before it blows up in our faces.

Anna Sterovsky:
Maybe you wonder why I do not cry for my son, Mister. For me, Otis die a long, long time ago, Mister. His badness killed him for me and I cried for him then - not now.

Eve Bennett:
You remember me, don't you?

Mike Hammer:
Of course - you're Wally Bennett's...

Eve Bennett:
...widow. That's the word you were looking for, Mr. Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
Well, are you going to shoot or not?

Eve Bennett:
Maybe you think I haven't the nerve.

Mike Hammer:
I wouldn't know... but I hope you have better sense!

Eve Bennett:
Well, you can stop hoping, Mr. Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] In thirty seconds, I'd gone from feeling like an expectant father to a bridegroom who'd been left waiting at the church.

Eve Bennett:
If my brother dies, I'll kill you. I'll kill you!

Paul:
Hey, you're in a real killin' mood today aren't you? First it was Mike Hammer and now it's me... but so far the only one you've managed to hurt has been Dave.

Mike Hammer:
Did you check with the hospital about David Kendall?

Captain Pat Chambers:
He's going to live... just long enough to die.

Mike Hammer:
Well, that's just about all any of us do, Pat.

Mike Hammer:
[Opening narration - establishing shot of a prison] They say that "iron bars do not a prison make." But they're a good start.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] I'm not the kind of a guy who blows his stack without a reason, but I had a one, a good one, one of the best reasons in the world and one of the oldest - a dame.

Mike Hammer:
Give me the key to her room, Charlie.

Charlie:
Say, do you think this is something for the police?

Mike Hammer:
Charlie, give me the key to her room.

Charlie:
Well, okay. You know the last dame who turned up missing took a brody off the Queensborough Bridge. They found her in the East River - dead.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, well, that'll do it every time, Charlie... that'll do it.

[a man hurls a brick at Mike but misses, breaking a large mirror]

Mike Hammer:
That's seven years bad luck, mister, beginning now!

[Mike slugs the intruder, then beats him almost senseless]

Mike Hammer:
This game is fun! What do you call it? All right, let's just sit this one out. Now suppose you tell me what all this knuckle-crackin' is all about?

Mike Hammer:
I'm trying to locate Susan Barlow.

Shelton Dean:
May I ask why?

Mike Hammer:
Do you know where I can find her?

Shelton Dean:
I'm not going to answer any questions unless I know the reason for them. Now why do want to know Mrs. Barlow's whereabouts?

Mike Hammer:
Because I don't think she has any whereabouts - at least as far as I know or her husband knows.

Shelton Dean:
I thought I'd seen the last of you!

Mike Hammer:
You give up too easily, Mr. Dean.

Shelton Dean:
I've had just about enough of you, Mr. Hammer, and I'm not going to fall into your clumsy trap!

Mike Hammer:
Um, trap, Mr. Dean?

Shelton Dean:
You're trying to make it seem that if I don't arrange for you and Haskell to meet that it will look as if I'm trying to hide something.

Mike Hammer:
Yes, well, that's true. That's how it will look to the bunco squad.

Mike Hammer:
[narrating] The hit was a 160 thousand dollars - birdseed compared to a transport company hold-up in Boston a few years back, but it was big enough to bring the top guns of New York's finest out, including Captain Pat Chambers. The testimony of the office people was typical - there were two hold-up men, there were four - they were in there fifties, their thirties, their teens - they wore charcoal gray suits, blue Levis and G.I. khakis. Depending on which witness you believed, they carried .45 automatics, German Mausers and/or .22 rifles.

[Mike and Pat are interviewing witnesses to a armed robbery]

Mike Hammer:
How many more ya got?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Just two - an office boy and a bookkeeper, Maria Chamini.

Mike Hammer:
Maria Chamini?

Captain Pat Chambers:
What's the matter?

Mike Hammer:
Well, no, nothing. I just think I know the girl, that's all.

Captain Pat Chambers:
Ha! Wouldn't surprise me.

Mike Hammer:
Wise guy.

Mike Hammer:
Now look... Now look, Pat, have I ever kept anything out on you? Now go on, answer me honestly, have I ever?

Captain Pat Chambers:
Yes.

Mike Hammer:
Well, that just goes to show you who your friends are.

Mike Hammer:
You workin' for your brother now, Nick?

Nick Barron:
I wish I were. I know what the first job I'd do.

Mike Hammer:
It'd be your last - but if you get the urge, bring your friends.

Mike Hammer:
[to Maria] What started you playin' footsie with a wet-nosed gunsel like Nick?

Artie Barron:
I knew you and me could talk this over. We're both smart men, except you're soft inside, Hammer. That's the only difference between us.

[first lines]

Mike Hammer:
My old neighborhood hadn't changed much since I was a kid. I guess that's because there's a limit to how old and dirty and decrepit any spot on Earth can become. I hadn't been back in a long time and I wouldn't have gone back when I did if it had been anybody else but Mama Dukas who sent for me.

Lt. Checkers:
[discussing Nick Dukas] The carny people called him a gazoony, if you know what that means.

Mike Hammer:
I know what it means. It means he's no good.

Lt. Checkers:
There's nothing worse than a gazoony.

Mike Hammer:
How about the guy who murders a gazoony?

Mike Hammer:
What do you worry about, Lieutenant?

Lt. Checkers:
Ohh, the weather, my feet, how the White Sox are doin', my wife's arthritis and not having enough men to check out 25 felonies and over a hundred misdeamors that occur in my little district every day.

[shows mike a sheaf of reports on a clipboard]

Lt. Checkers:
This is a mighty long list, Mr. Hammer. There just isn't enough room on it for the murder of guys like Nick Dukas.

Lt. Checkers:
Yeah, you private eyes really have it made from what I read in those paperbacks and see in the movies and on the TV.

Mike Hammer:
Yeah, it's a ball, Checkers, a ball... crime, women and song.

Lt. Checkers:
I sure do wish you could stick around in Chicago a little while. I'd kind of like to watch you operate; maybe I could pick up a pointer or two.

Mike Hammer:
Looks like you got all you can do to pick up your feet, Mr. Checkers.

[Mike picks up Nick's suitcases]

Mike Hammer:
Ooof! He didn't travel light did he?

Bonnie Tate:
No, he was a regular pack rat.

[Dakin and Boyd enter the room]

Max Dakin:
Rat is right.

Mike Hammer:
Who are the gorillas?

Max Dakin:
What have you got in the suitcases?

Mike Hammer:
Bricks! I'm on my way to a hod carriers convention. What's it to ya?

Max Dakin:
Come on - talk!

Mike Hammer:
Hickory, dickory, dock...

[Dakin punches Mike in the stomach]

Mike Hammer:
What gives with you, Checkers? Nick Dukas is murdered, a couple of goons use me for a bongo drum and all you do is stand around and make like the moderator of a debating society. Those two punks were after something!

Mike Hammer:
Just how did they know where to find me?

Lt. Checkers:
Well, that's a very good question, Mr. Hammer, but you're sure that this ain't somethin' personal between you and those two hoods?

Mike Hammer:
No. No, but it is now.

Mike Hammer:
I was going back to New York tonight, but now I'm goin' huntin' for those two punks and when I find them, I'm going to make them wish they'd never been born!

Lt. Checkers:
I guess I know how you feel, Mr. Hammer. Well, I'd do the same thing if it were me.

Mike Hammer:
If I were you, Checkers, I'd shoot myself.

Mike Hammer:
Now you listen to me, Max, and hear me good. Killin' you would be like steppin' on a bug. Well, maybe you don't believe that and maybe I'm hopin' you don't so I have an excuse to prove it to ya!

Lt. Checkers:
I sure wish I knew what happened to that currency exchange money after Dukas was killed.

Mike Hammer:
Have you ever considered buying yourself a ouija board?

Lt. Checkers:
But who would believe that I arranged for it to work out that way? Why, everybody knows that a dumb, ordinary cop like me is not smart enough to pull anything like that on a smart, slick, tough private detective like you... now would they, huh?

Mike Hammer:
Yeah. Yeah, that's probably right, Checkers, nobody would have believed it. You're just too ordinary looking and too...

[Mike hands Checkers the bag with the robbery loot]

Mike Hammer:
...dumb.

[last lines]

Lt. Checkers:
Well, I'll be seein' you, Mr. Hammer.

Mike Hammer:
Not if I see you first, Checkers.

Lt. Checkers:
[to himself] Not if you see me...

[Checkers leaves the shop laughing]

Laura Laurents:
Mr. Hammer, if you don't help me, I'll never reach the United States.

Mike Hammer:
Oh? Why not?

Laura Laurents:
He won't let me. He wants me to join him.

Mike Hammer:
And who's he?

Laura Laurents:
My husband.

Mike Hammer:
Oh. What you need is a good lawyer. You see, any good divorce lawyer...

Laura Laurents:
My husband is dead.

Mike Hammer:
Is this man in the picture with you your husband?

Laura Laurents:
Yes. It was taken two months before... Where are you going?

Mike Hammer:
Well, if that man's on the Isle de France, I'll find him.

Laura Laurents:
But he's dead! He's dead!

Mike Hammer:
Well, if that's the case, you'll have to handle that yourself.

Laura Laurents:
What are you saying?

Mike Hammer:
The next time that old ghost shows up, try something simple. Just say, "I'm sorry." It might work.

Laura Laurents:
Do you have to change?

Mike Hammer:
Change? Oh, you mean costume. No, I'm afraid not; this is all I have with me. I'm going to have to go disguised as a private detective.

Laura Laurents:
I'm afraid I've ruined your vacation.

Mike Hammer:
Aw, what the heck. There'll always be a Paris.

Mike Hammer:
Gloria! Gloria - well, baby, at long last I'm yours.

Gloria:
Sorry, Mike, you missed the boat.

Mike Hammer:
Huh?

Gloria:
Horace! Horace did you say your chauffeur was ready?

[a distinguished older gentleman nods and leaves the boat arm in arm with Gloria]

Mike Hammer:
Horace?