Monster House

Skull:
Calm down! You make me wanna throw up in some tin foil and eat it!

[from the trailer]

Mom:
We'll be back tomorrow night. Oh. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet.

Dad:
He knows that.

Jenny:
There! [waves flashlight at chandelier] Well, if those are the teeth, and that's the tongue, then that must be the uvula!

Chowder:
Oh, so it's a *girl* house...

Jenny:
[looks at him] *What?*

DJ:
I've just... murdered a guy!

Chowder:
Naw... when it's an accident, it's called manslaughter.

Jenny:
Are you guys mentally challenged? Because, if you are, then I'm certified to teach you baseball.

Chowder:
We're dead. [to DJ] You've killed us, and now we're dead!

Officer Lister:
That sounds like the 'dangerous creature'! I'm gonna go check it out. [sneaks toward the house]

Officer Landers:
[to self] Gosh, just like tryin' to wrangle a puppy...

Zee:
What is your problem?

DJ:
Uh... puberty! Yeah, I'm having lots and lots of puberty.

Skull:
Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold.

Chowder:
Relax. Just be cool, like me. [Chowder accidentally leans on lever, which starts the machine]

Chowder:
AAAAAH!

DJ:
Oh my god!

Chowder:
What?

DJ:
You're a dork!

DJ:
I kissed a girl! I kissed a girl on the lips!

Chowder:
[whispering] It mocks us with its... *house-ness*!

DJ:
We haven't left this room once! Not even to go to the bathroom. [Points to 2L bottle filled with something] Don't drink that!

Zee:
Oh gross! Whatever disease you guys have I'm sure its got letters and that they make pills for it!

DJ:
Zee, it's true! There's something evil going on across the street!

Zee:
[Sarcastically] That's excellent, I'm really happy for you.

Zee:
Whatever issue you guys have, I'm sure it has letters and they make pills for it.

Chowder:
All right, vacuum cleaner dummy, I'm setting you down on the lawn. Don't be scared, that's not how you were trained.

[slight pause]

Chowder:
I love you, vacuum cleaner dummy.

Officer Lister:
[DJ, Chowder, and Jenny throw their water guns at his feet] I will shoot you!

DJ:
[to Mr. Nebbercracker] I'm sorry about your house - your wife... your... house-wife.

[first lines]

Little Girl:
Hello, fence!

[last lines]

Zee:
Skull's not like you. He makes time for me and gives me the respect I deserve.

Bones:
Whatever.

Zee:
Bones!

Chowder:
My dad is at the pharmacy and my mom is at the movies with her personal trainer.

Chowder:
My cousin's a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, he's kind of a cop... he's got a gun.

DJ:
Questions?

Chowder:
Yes, umm, are you nuts? I don't wanna steal drugs from my Father, I don't wanna go inside a monster, and I don't wanna die!

Jenny:
I say its worth a shot.

Chowder:
Yes I agree. Let's do it.

Nebbercracker:
Do you want to be eaten alive?

Little Girl:
No.

Nebbercracker:
Then GET OUT OF HERE! [she jumps off her trike and starts to run, but stops]

Little Girl:
My trike.

[Nebbercraker grabs the trike and tears off the front wheel, and she runs away crying]

Chowder:
I paid 28 dollars for that ball! I had to mow ten lawns and ask my mom for a dollar 26 times!

[the house taunts Chowder by scratching a scary face on his basketball]

Chowder:
It's gonna be a bloodbath.

DJ:
Can I ask you something?

Zee:
Sure you can cantelope. We are going to have so much fun I have tons of activities...

DJ:
[rolls eyes] It's okay. They're gone

Zee:
They are? They're gone? [takes off her pink sweater and reveals she is wearing a black punk t shirt, unties her hair]

Chowder:
You're really crazy right now, you notice that? I think you're just freakin' out because you killed a guy today.

Chowder:
[pretending to talk to his father] Well, Dad, why don't you kiss my hairy butt? [turns around] Hey, DJ, you got any beer? [noticing Jenny] Well, hello there...

DJ:
[to Jenny] This is... Chowder...

Chowder:
Charles, to the ladies...

Jenny:
[interrupting] Um, Jenny Bennett. Two-term class president at Westbrook Prep.

DJ:
That's a tough school to get into.

Chowder:
Yeah, I got in but decided not to go.

Jenny:
It's a girl's school.

Chowder:
[nervous pause]... Which is why I didn't... [another nervous pause]... You know there's a... there's a great taco stand near there...

Skull:
[Playing arcade machine] You're gonna die! You're gonna die!

Skull:
[kills someone in game] Aw, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again! Your head's rolling. You can't even see it 'cuz your eyes are on your head!

DJ:
[interupts] Sir?

Skull:
[looks at DJ] What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen.

Nebbercracker:
[kneeling very excited; looks up at DJ] 45 years... we have been trapped for 45 years... and now we're free!

DJ:
[running back to the house] Don't look back!

Chowder:
Aah! I looked back!

Jenny:
Smart house.

Zee:
Now what do you want?

Jenny:
Just trying to get a head-start on life and secure a sucessful future.

Zee:
You want a successful future? When a guy with tattoos comes up to the drive-thru, give him his burger, not your phone number.

Jenny:
But back to business: eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper. Without candy, I'm afraid your house is a bulls-eye with shingles.

Zee:
Nice try. It's not my house.

Jenny:
Babysitter?

Zee:
Mmm-hmm.

Jenny:
Okay, let's cut the crap. Maybe the parents you work for left you forty dollars in emergency money...

Zee:
Maybe they left me thirty.

Jenny:
Maybe you give me twenty, I write a receipt for thirty, and you pocket ten.

Zee:
Maybe... and I want two extra bags of peanut clusters.

Jenny:
One bag, and I'll toss in a licorice whip.

Zee:
You're good.

Chowder:
[house comes alive] Detectable movement!

DJ:
Chowder, your ball just landed on Nebbercracker's lawn. It doesn't exist anymore...

Zee:
Who called you?

DJ:
Nebbercracker. Ps, he died today.

Zee:
I'm just creeped out. You know, I saw an ambulance here today.

Bones:
So...

Zee:
So, maybe Nebbercracker really did die.

Bones:
We should be so lucky, the guy was evil.

Zee:
No, he was just a grumpy old dude.

Bones:
Oh really? Zee? When I was 10 years old. I had a kite. Awesome kite. I could fly it so high you couldn't see it. One day, it crashed down, I followed the string, and it landed right over there, across the street right on the edge of his lawn.

Zee:
Awww, did he take your kite?

Bones:
Yeah, he takes everything that lands on his lawn. But that's not the point, the point is, I saw him talking to his house, and kissing it. Besides, everybody knows what he did to his wife.

Zee:
Why? What? What did he do to her?

Bones:
He ate her! [jumps on top of Zee]

[after watching the house eat the two cops]

Chowder:
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I think I'm having a stroke!

Chowder:
We're dead. You've killed us, and we're dead!

DJ:
Shh! I don't think the house knows that we're in here. I bet it thinks we're still in the car.

Jenny:
Listen.

[rumbling sound]

Jenny:
Sounds like it's sleeping.

DJ:
The only way that we're gonna get out of here alive, is if we find the heart, and put out the fire.

Chowder:
Maybe we should examine our other options?

DJ:
Sure. Other option: we wait here and do nothing until it wakes up and eats us.

Chowder:
Find the heart, put out the fire. Got it.

Chowder:
It's time for an in your face disgrace!

[basketball ricochets off the hoop and hits Chowder in the face]

DJ:
Are you okay?

Chowder:
My nose is in my brain!

DJ:
Let me see - Oh my God!

Chowder:
What?

DJ:
You're a dork.

[Jenny emerges from the closet after calling her mother on the phone]

Jenny:
[rolls her eyes] She didn't believe me.

Chowder:
[sighs] Authority can be so...

[makes armpit noises]

Jenny:
Okay, normally I don't spend time with guys like you, but a house just tried to eat me, so... you've got one hour.

DJ:
It's her! The house is her!

Jenny:
Is this pee? Because if it is, that's really gross!

Chowder:
DJ?... You pee in bottles?

DJ:
What are you talking about? That one's your pee.

Chowder:
Now I know how taco meat feels.

DJ:
That makes two of us.

Mr. Nebbercracker:
[to Eliza] Get off my lawn!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
[to Eliza] Oh, get off my lawn!

[Eliza shrieks in horror as she helplessly tries to get her tricycle off the lawn]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
Oh, trespasser! Do you want to be eaten alive?!

Eliza:
No.

Mr. Nebbercracker:
Then get out of here!

Eliza:
[shrieks and runs away from him and but forgets her trike in the process] My trike.

Mr. Nebbercracker:
[angrily takes the tricycle off the lawn and removes the wheels; Eliza flees and cries] Stay away from my house!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
This is my house! Why can't you respect that?! Why can't you just stay away from my--!? Oh! Urgh...! [Nebbercracker suffers a heart attack and makes mean faces, and his spine cracks as he falls down to the ground]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
Constance. Oh, now. There, there. Oh, my sweet. You've been a bad girl, haven't you? You hurt people. Oh, Constance. We've always known this day would come. Haven't we? I—I have to make things right. I have to make things right. Constance? I've always done best for you, haven't I? Haven't I, girl? Constance? Let this be the right thing to do.

Mr. Nebbercracker:
Take this! You have to help me, please?! I know you can do it! GO ON!!!!

DJ:
Mr. Nebbercracker! [Nebbercracker turns around, glaring at D.J.] I know about Constance. [The house growls while watching DJ's re-encounter with Nebbercracker]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
What? What do you know? You don't know anything! You were in my house? You-- [He tries to lunge at D.J., but he nearly falls, D.J. save him from the fall and Nebbercracker recognizes DJ]

DJ:
You didn't kill her, did you?

[Nebbercracker shakes his head and starts to remember]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
I love her so much.

[Nebbercracker is shown in a flashback, watching Constance in the circus, having tomatoes thrown at her, and alone that night]

Young Nebbercracker:
Hello?!

Constance:
Oh, no!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
I can take you away from here. Would you like that?

[Constance is delighted by this offer]

Constance:
Yes!

[Nebbercracker ties her cage to his truck, and drives Constance away from the circus, taking her to an empty sold spot for building the house]

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
OK, open your eyes. [She does so] OK, it's not much, I know, but--

Constance:
Darling!

[Constance picks him up and takes him to the spot as the house starts building, rocks are being thrown at it, and Constance descends the spiral staircase]

Constance:
Hah! Get away from my house! I'll rip them to bits! Help!

[Young Nebbercracker chops off the cage door with an axe and hears Constance's yells for help]

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Constance!

Constance:
Help! Help!

Young Nebbercracker:
What's wrong? Are you hurt?

Constance:
Hurt!? Yes, I'm hurt! Those criminals are attacking our house!

Teenage Bully:
Trick or treat!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Now, now, they're- they're just kids, dear. It is Halloween.

Constance:
No, no, no, it's my house, and they're hurting me!!!!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Constance! Look at me! Look at me! [He turns her face towards him] As long as I'm here, I will never let anyone hurt you. [An egg is thrown at her]

Constance:
Oh, no!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Constance!

Teenage Bully:
Sucker!

[Constance takes the axe from him]

Constance:
You vandals! [The bullies continue throwing eggs at her as she swings the axe to hurt them]

Teenage Bully:
Eat this!

Constance:
You hooligans! I'll get you!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Constance, no! [He tries to take the axe from her, but she accidentally hits him, knocking him out and she falls into the pit below the house, dropping cement on herself. The flashback ends with the finished house.]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
So, I finished the house. She would have wanted that. [A boy rides by the house on a bicycle, throwing a newspaper at it] She died, but she didn't leave. [The newspaper is thrown back at the biker, hitting him and making him fall off the bike causing it and other newspapers to fall out, cut to him hammering a "BEWARE sign in front of the house, then a trio of kids in Halloween costumes in front of the house] And that night, that, that one night of every year, I had to take precautions.

Bully:
[he and the other two start throwing things at the house] Trick or treat!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
I had to! I had to!

Young Mr. Nebbercracker:
Hey! Hey, stay away from my house!

[The scene changes back to the present]

Mr. Nebbercracker:
She attacks anyone who comes near! [backs away from D.J.] Go! Coming, dear! Go, go! Go!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
YOU!!!

DJ:
No.

Chowder:
DJ, run! Get the ball and run! You are so close!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
What have you done?

Chowder:
Just nudge it over here.

DJ:
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean...

Mr. Nebbercracker:
YOU ARE DEAD!!!

Chowder:
Run! DJ, come on!

DJ:
Chowder!

Chowder:
Come on, DJ!

DJ:
HELP, CHOWDER!!!

Chowder:
Help!!! Help!!!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
You think you can just terrorize my lawn?!

DJ:
No! I'm sorry!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
You wanna be a dead person?!

DJ:
No! I love life!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
This place is not a playground for children!

DJ:
Got it from now on!

Mr. Nebbercracker:
This is my house!! Why can't you respect that?! Why can't you just stay away from---?! [Nebbercracker suffers a heart attack and makes scary faces, and his spine cracks as he falls down to the ground on top of DJ. The door closes, the fire blows through the chimney and the house comes alive, moaning.]

Chowder:
Whoa. No siren. Never a good sign.

DJ:
I'm a murderer.

Chowder:
No, you're not!

DJ:
I'm not?

Chowder:
When it's an accident, they call it manslaughter!

DJ:
I think I'm gonna throw up. Great, the babysitter's here.

Chowder:
See ya, DJ!

[from the trailer]

Mrs. Walters:
Elizabeth will be here in a few hours. Oh, if anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet.

Mr. Walters:
He knows that.

Mrs. Walters:
See you tomorrow night. What have you done?

Chowder:
I'm okay!

Mr. Walters:
Just let me drive this thing, will you?

Mrs. Walters:
Where is DJ? Where's DJ?

Mr. Walters:
Well, you would be so happy if he was under the car, wouldn't you?

Chowder:
Uh, sorry. It's hard to see with the mask on.

Mr. Walters:
Then why don't you take it off, Chowder?

Mrs. Walters:
We both love you. That includes your dad.

Mr. Walters:
That's right.

Mrs. Walters:
Blow him a kiss.

Mr. Walters:
He's had enough kisses.

Mrs. Walters:
Blow him a kiss. Blow him a kiss.

Mr. Walters:
Goodbye.

Chowder:
Heat seeker!

DJ:
Chowder, what are you doing?! Shut up!

Chowder:
What?

DJ:
Nebbercracker's back from the dead.

Chowder:
No way.

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
They left the keys in here. You dare me?

DJ:
Chowder, you're not listening to me! Nebbercracker's haunting me, all right? His blood is on my hands. And now he's coming back for revenge.

Chowder:
You're really crazy right now, have you noticed that? I think you're just freaking out because you killed a guy today. Life goes on for you. Try and relax, be cool like me.

DJ:
Chowder, what are you doing?!

Chowder:
Make it stop!

DJ:
Quit screwing around! I need your help.

Chowder:
Fine, you want my help?

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
I got three words for you: trick-or-treat.

DJ:
Okay, whatever. Let's go.

Chowder:
Hold on.

DJ:
Chowder, come on.

Chowder:
The haunting is subtle, yet really, really boring. Can I go home now?

DJ:
Chowder, shh! He'll hear you!

Chowder:
DJ, this is why nobody will sit next to us at lunch. I'll go ding-dong-ditch the house and you'll see. No ghost!

Jenny:
May I please use your phone?

Chowder:
Yeah, sure.

DJ:
Here. Who you calling?

Jenny:
My mother.

Chowder:
Rude.

DJ:
You know, she's probably not gonna believe you. It's too much for the adult mind to comprehend.

Jenny:
Um, is this pee? Because if it is, that's really gross.

DJ:
It's...

Chowder:
DJ?! You pee in bottles?!

DJ:
What are you talking about? That one is your pee!

Chowder:
Uh-uh! It's yours!

DJ:
It's his!

Jenny:
May I please speak with Alison?

Chowder:
Oh, unsanitary!

Jenny:
Her daughter, thank you.

DJ:
It's his pee!

Jenny:
Excuse me. Mom, I was selling chocolates in Mayville, and, well, it's kind of confusing.

Officer Landers:
All right, kids, this had better be good. I was out there in the forest wrestling with a bear claw when we got the call. I was eating a donut.

Officer Lister:
All three of you, step to the car now.

Chowder:
My ears.

Officer Landers:
Well, they're at the car. It's okay. He's a rookie, first week on the job.

Jenny:
Officer, we have reason to believe that there's a dangerous creature inside that house.

DJ:
It may have killed a man.

Chowder:
And a dog.

Officer Lister:
Doggy down? We've got a situation! We've got a situation!

Officer Lander:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Officer Lister:
I'm calling for backup. Didn't you hear what the kid just said? There's a dangerous creature inside that house.

Officer Landers:
We don't have backup. It's just Judy at the station. And this is no situation. It's just a couple tater tots hopped up on too many Pixy Stix.

Officer Lister:
I bet you the dead dog would beg to differ.

Officer Landers:
What was that?

Officer Lister:
Nothing.

Officer Landers:
All right, time's up, peewees. It's Halloween, and believe it or not, we've got things to do.

Officer Lister:
Oh, we do?

Officer Landers:
Yeah.

DJ:
No, no, wait. You can't. All right, this thing, it has a mouth, and it comes out and grabs things and pulls them in and eats them.

Chowder:
Yeah, like this.

Jenny:
Okay, okay! The thing is, we're trying to make this sound more real than it normally would.

Officer Landers:
Hmm, problem is that it sounds kind of not real. So we'll see you later.

DJ:
No. All right, I'll show you. But if things get out of hand...

Officer Landers:
We'll aim for Bigfoot. That's loaded!

Officer Lister:
He's hopping.

Jenny:
Smart house.

Officer Landers:
Hey! You- both of you, come here. Bring it to the car. Come on. I'm gonna forget about you throwing that rock because that dance was pretty funny. But the next time any of you mess with this guy's house, all three of you are going in the hole, you got it? Now, I'll give you ten seconds to march!

Jenny:
But we need your help! It's your job to help us!

Chowder:
Mm-hmm.

Officer Landers:
One.

DJ:
Come on.

Officer Landers:
Two. Three. Four. Five.

Chowder:
Ow, that's tender!

DJ:
My house is right over there!

Jenny:
So much for relying on the government.

Chowder:
Yeah, I know. I hate the government. Dude, we're screwed.

DJ:
No, we're not! We'll go to an expert! You're looking at the three-time, tri-state, over fourteen Thou Art Dead champion. His name is Reginald Skullinski, but they call him "Skull".

Jenny:
Who's "they"?

Chowder:
Me and DJ.

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
He's the smartest guy on earth.

Jenny:
So, let's go talk to him.

DJ:
Hey, Jenny, Jenny.

Chowder:
Hey, Jenny, Jenny, hold on. Hold up. Skull is in the game zone right now, and you don't wanna mess with him when he's in the game zone.

Jenny:
Fine, so how long is he gonna be playing?

Skull:
Die, die!

Chowder:
Who knows? He once played for four days straight on one quarter, a gallon of chocolate milk, and an adult diaper.

DJ:
The man is a legend.

Jenny:
Well, if he is not coming out of the game zone, then we are going in.

DJ:
What? Hey, what are you...?

Chowder:
Uh, what? Jenny, no.

Skull:
It's like you're not gonna do it. Like, you're gonna die. You're gonna die. Oh, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again. Your head's rolling. You can't see it. Your eyes are on your head.

DJ:
Uh, sir?

Skull:
What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen. What?!

DJ:
Okay, old man Nebbercracker's house is possessed, and I need to know how to destroy it before it comes out and tries to kill people...

Skull:
Calm down. You make me wanna throw up in some tinfoil and eat it! Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold! Yah! Possessed house, you say? Hmm. In my travels to the video store and comic-book conventions, I've seen many strange and wondrous things. And I've heard tell of man-made structures becoming possessed by a human soul so that the spirit becomes merged with wood and brick, creating a rare form of monster, known as Domus Mactabilis.

DJ:
The house is Mr. Nebbercracker.

Chowder:
We're its murderous enemies.

Skull:
Have fun getting killed. Oh, look at that blood.

DJ:
So, how do we kill it?

Skull:
You've gotta strike at the source of life, the heart.

DJ:
But houses don't have hearts.

Skull:
Yes! Yeah, you might be right about that. Sorry, children, but I've got some very important business to take care of. I won't be seeing you later.

Officer Landers:
Littering, loitering, vandalism, vagrancy...

Officer Lister:
And treason!

Officer Landers:
No, not treason.

Officer Lister:
You sure? Because in the book it says...

Officer Landers:
I'm sure! All right, kids, out of the trash cans. Let's go.

Officer Lister:
Come on, you heard the big guy. You see the light. Walk towards it. Come on, keep it moving. All right, drop your weapons. Pass them to me. Come on. I will shoot you.

Officer Landers:
Well, lookie we've got here. You stay here. I'm checking this out.

Officer Lister:
I am on it! Y'all think something is funny? You testing me, huh, tough girl? You disrespecting the badge? You don't want none of this. I'm telling you, test me, please! Y'all wanna test me? I am the police! I know that you're a thug, them brown eyes, I see it in your eyes.

Officer Landers:
That's it! That is it!

Officer Lister:
You got something to say, porky, huh?

Officer Landers:
That's it, we're taking them in!

Officer Lister:
That's what I am talking about! Where we taking them?

Officer Landers:
To jail! Let's go!

Officer Lister:
You hear that? You guys are going to jail!

DJ:
But, Officer, you've gotta believe us!

Officer Lister:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 2%, you got the right to shut up!

Jenny:
Okay, the house is a monster.

Officer Lister:
And to think that I believed you!

Jenny:
Ow!

Chowder:
Hey, listen, I am with you guys. My cousin is a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, kind of a cop. He has a gun.

Officer Landers:
Yeah, they're gonna love you downtown, jughead.

Chowder:
Ow!

Officer Lister:
We are super cops.

Officer Landers:
Yeah, that's why I live in a condo.

Officer Lister:
Super cop. Super duper cop. Super... Uh, you hear that?

Officer Landers:
Yep, that's my stomach. I am starving.

Officer Lister:
No, no, no. That sounds like the dangerous creature. I'm gonna go check it out.

Officer Landers:
Oh, my gosh. This is like trying to wrangle a puppy. All right, I'll be back.