Monster House2006

Officer Landers:
All right, kids, this had better be good. I was out there in the forest wrestling with a bear claw when we got the call. I was eating a donut.

Officer Lister:
All three of you, step to the car now.

Chowder:
My ears.

Officer Landers:
Well, they're at the car. It's okay. He's a rookie, first week on the job.

Jenny:
Officer, we have reason to believe that there's a dangerous creature inside that house.

DJ:
It may have killed a man.

Chowder:
And a dog.

Officer Lister:
Doggy down? We've got a situation! We've got a situation!

Officer Lander:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Officer Lister:
I'm calling for backup. Didn't you hear what the kid just said? There's a dangerous creature inside that house.

Officer Landers:
We don't have backup. It's just Judy at the station. And this is no situation. It's just a couple tater tots hopped up on too many Pixy Stix.

Officer Lister:
I bet you the dead dog would beg to differ.

Officer Landers:
What was that?

Officer Lister:
Nothing.

Officer Landers:
All right, time's up, peewees. It's Halloween, and believe it or not, we've got things to do.

Officer Lister:
Oh, we do?

Officer Landers:
Yeah.

DJ:
No, no, wait. You can't. All right, this thing, it has a mouth, and it comes out and grabs things and pulls them in and eats them.

Chowder:
Yeah, like this.

Jenny:
Okay, okay! The thing is, we're trying to make this sound more real than it normally would.

Officer Landers:
Hmm, problem is that it sounds kind of not real. So we'll see you later.

DJ:
No. All right, I'll show you. But if things get out of hand...

Officer Landers:
We'll aim for Bigfoot. That's loaded!

Officer Lister:
He's hopping.

Jenny:
Smart house.

Officer Landers:
Hey! You- both of you, come here. Bring it to the car. Come on. I'm gonna forget about you throwing that rock because that dance was pretty funny. But the next time any of you mess with this guy's house, all three of you are going in the hole, you got it? Now, I'll give you ten seconds to march!

Jenny:
But we need your help! It's your job to help us!

Chowder:
Mm-hmm.

Officer Landers:
One.

DJ:
Come on.

Officer Landers:
Two. Three. Four. Five.

Chowder:
Ow, that's tender!

DJ:
My house is right over there!

Jenny:
So much for relying on the government.

Chowder:
Yeah, I know. I hate the government. Dude, we're screwed.

DJ:
No, we're not! We'll go to an expert! You're looking at the three-time, tri-state, over fourteen Thou Art Dead champion. His name is Reginald Skullinski, but they call him "Skull".

Jenny:
Who's "they"?

Chowder:
Me and DJ.

DJ:
Yeah.

Chowder:
He's the smartest guy on earth.

Jenny:
So, let's go talk to him.

DJ:
Hey, Jenny, Jenny.

Chowder:
Hey, Jenny, Jenny, hold on. Hold up. Skull is in the game zone right now, and you don't wanna mess with him when he's in the game zone.

Jenny:
Fine, so how long is he gonna be playing?

Skull:
Die, die!

Chowder:
Who knows? He once played for four days straight on one quarter, a gallon of chocolate milk, and an adult diaper.

DJ:
The man is a legend.

Jenny:
Well, if he is not coming out of the game zone, then we are going in.

DJ:
What? Hey, what are you...?

Chowder:
Uh, what? Jenny, no.

Skull:
It's like you're not gonna do it. Like, you're gonna die. You're gonna die. Oh, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again. Your head's rolling. You can't see it. Your eyes are on your head.

DJ:
Uh, sir?

Skull:
What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen. What?!

DJ:
Okay, old man Nebbercracker's house is possessed, and I need to know how to destroy it before it comes out and tries to kill people...

Skull:
Calm down. You make me wanna throw up in some tinfoil and eat it! Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold! Yah! Possessed house, you say? Hmm. In my travels to the video store and comic-book conventions, I've seen many strange and wondrous things. And I've heard tell of man-made structures becoming possessed by a human soul so that the spirit becomes merged with wood and brick, creating a rare form of monster, known as Domus Mactabilis.

DJ:
The house is Mr. Nebbercracker.

Chowder:
We're its murderous enemies.

Skull:
Have fun getting killed. Oh, look at that blood.

DJ:
So, how do we kill it?

Skull:
You've gotta strike at the source of life, the heart.

DJ:
But houses don't have hearts.

Skull:
Yes! Yeah, you might be right about that. Sorry, children, but I've got some very important business to take care of. I won't be seeing you later.