Not Another Teen Movie

Malik:
Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: "Damn," "Sh*t," and "That is whack."

Jake:
No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?

Girl at Party:
Dude, you can't start a slow clap at any time and expect everyone to join in.

Priscilla:
You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism".

cheerleader:
You better bring it.

Priscilla:
Oh, it's already been brought-en.

Mr. Briggs:
Hey, uhh... I might be late to pick you guys up.

Janey:
Why, do you have a job interview today, daddy?

Mr. Briggs:
No honey, I'll probably just be waaaay too drunk.

Janey:
Oh, that's good, we don't want you drinking and driving.

Mr. Briggs:
Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too sh*t-faced to remember to pick you guys up.

Janey:
Ok, bye, daddy.

Mr. Briggs:
Bye, Pumpkin-tits.

Amanda:
Do you think I sleep with every guy who writes me a letter? No. I give them hand jobs.

Priscilla:
I need t-to-the-fourth-power-y

Jake:
What?

Priscilla:
Time to talk to you.

Reggie Ray:
Coach says it's okay to bleed from the ears.

Sandy Sue:
Give me an 'H'. Give me a 'U'. Give me a - giant p*ssy-licking, ass-f***er cock sh*t.

Sandy Sue:
I'm sorry. That was my Tourette's.

Priscilla:
This is not a cheer-ocracy, I am the cheer-tator, I will make the cheer-isions around here, and I will deal with the cheer-onsequences.

Austin:
All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Catherine:
Not scoring any cock, either?

Sadie:
Cock? I've never even been kissed

Mitch:
No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.

Bruce:
No longer we steal grandfather's porn.

Ox:
No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.

Bruce:
Mitch, girl go pee-pee not something I want to see-see.

Ox:
I agree-gree.

Austin:
My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.

Jake:
Hey Janey. What's up?

Janey:
Excuse me?

Jake:
So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?

Janey:
You mean anorexic, superficial, a b*tch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?

Jake:
Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.

Janey:
You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.

Jake:
Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.

Catherine:
Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?

Malik:
Damn.

Jake:
Please that's way too much information.

Catherine:
Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always have to take a huge dump.

Malik:
Sh*t.

Catherine:
On their chest.

Malik:
Oh, that is whack.

Mitch:
Getting p*ssy, no matter what.

Bruce:
Even if it with dirty slut.

Ox:
True love is what I want the most.

Malik:
I'm only in this song because I'm the black guy.

Malik:
What are you doing here?

Other black guy at party:
What do you mean?

Malik:
I am supposed to be the only black guy at this party.

Other black guy at party:
Oh, damn. Sh*t.

Malik:
I know, I know.

Other black guy at party:

Janey:
You never noticed my glasses and my ponytail.

Jake:
And don't forget the paint-covered overalls.

Janey:
Right... you never noticed those either.

Mitch:
God, we're pathetic. How are we ever going to get laid before graduation?

Ox:
Mitch, we're freshman.

Mr. Cornish:
And now the moment every popular guy who's made a bet to turn a rebellious girl into prom queen has been waiting for.

Areola:
I need no class schedule. I am only object of lust for poor nerds who can't get any real American p*ssy.

Jake:
Where's Janey?

Austin:
Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

Ricky Lipman:
Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ricky!

Janey Briggs:
Hey Ricky, what'd you do this weekend?

Ricky Lipman:
Well, Friday night I stood outside your window - in the pouring rain - screaming your name for several hours. And then I spent all of Saturday and Sunday making you this great "Janey I've Been Desperately Trying To Tell You That I Am Madly In Love With You" ummmm... Mix Tape for your birthday.

Janey Briggs:
A mix tape? Awwwww that's so sweet Ricky. See you in English.

Areola:
Look at me, my breasts are perky, yes?

Malik:
Sure, Why Not?, After All I am Jus the token black guy. I'm jus supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say thing like: "Damn," "sh*t," and "that's whack."

Janey:
I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.

Mitch:
It sounds more like you're a lesbo.

Mr. Briggs:
Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.

Janey:
Thank you, daddy.

Mr. Briggs:
If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.

Jake:
She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?

Flight attendant:
We all know where this is going... f***ing teenagers.

Preston:
Hey guys, welcome to the party. If you're gonna have sex, please - do it in my parent's bedroom.

Amanda:
What do you think i do to guys that give me letters? I give them hand jobs.

Bruce:
What up my yellow brothers? Chinks inda house!

Jake:
How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?

Austin:
I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.

Jake:
Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.

Austin:
Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!

Jake:
What do you want Austin?

Austin:
A life. And payback.

Jake:
C'mon man, don't do this.

Austin:
No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...

Bruce:
Catch you later.

Bruce:
What happenin?

White Guy:
Damn, Shorty, dawg is pretendin to be all Asian, and sh*t.

White Guy:
That Cracka is white! Can't he see dat yo?

Austin:
Let's make like a tree and... branch!

The Coach:
Can he still play?

Trainer:
He's in a coma!

The Coach:
Answer the question!

Catherine:
I can help you... for a price, and this time I don't want your car.

Janey:
Jake! How did you get in here? I thought the door was locked.

Jake:
There's a big hole in the side of your house.

Priscilla:
Ok we're down a cheerleader for Friday night's state game against North Compton and that squad always tries to bring it!

Ashley:
Bring what Priscilla?

Priscilla:
Bring IT

Ashley:
Right but, what it IT?

Priscilla:
IT's just what they bring OK?,

Richard Vernon:
...Your mother was a...?

Mitch:
Ho.

Richard Vernon:
He was a famous clown.

Mitch:
Bobo.

Ox:
Mitch cut it out

Ox:
stop

The Coach:
Wyler, after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking God you're still in goddamn uniform, goddamnit!

Catherine:
That's it! I did it. I'm a miracle worker!

Football Announcer:
Wam, bam! What the f*** just happened?

Catherine:
I want you.

Jake:
But, you're my sister.

Catherine:
Only by blood.

Jake:
[shoves Catherine off] What is wrong with this family?!

[Jake tries to serenade Janey Briggs at the football field to the tune of Aerosmith's "Janie's Got A Gun"]

Jake:
Janey's got a gun. Janey Briggs got a gun..

Art student:
[points to Janey] She's got a gun! [rest of class scatters while police are called in to subdue her]

Janey:
I have this dream of one day... just... hopping on a plane and going to Paris. There's an art school there...but I can't afford it. Unless there's some way of raising $26,000 before the admissions cutoff.

Jake:
Oh my God, Janey, do you realize that my parents give a scholarship to a girl who can't get into art school every year?

Janey:
[turns around, expectantly] Really? That's amazing!

Jake:
Yeah! This year we gave it to Lupe Rodriguez, the Mexican fingerpainter. I think you'd really like her work.

Black Rival Cheerleader:
We saw you at our game and we know you stole our routine!

Priscilla:
Okay, I don't know what you're talking about. We've always done our own cheers! [to squad] Right, girls?

Squad:
That's right!

Black Rival Cheerleader:
Then you better bring it.

Priscilla:
Oh, it's already been broughten.

[later at the cheerleading]

Cheerleaders:
We are! The North Comptonn Wildcats! We're black! We know it! We shake our big booties and show it! We ain't white! We ain't white! We definitely ain't white! Break it down niggas'! [Cheerleaders start booty dancing]

Sports Announcer:
Damn! Those b*tches represent!

Mitch:
EAT.... MY.... SHORTS!

Vernon:
Ok son you just bought yourself another!

Mitch:
Oh I'm shaking!

Vernon:
Ok that's another!

Mitch:
So...

Vernon:
Do you want me to keep going? Just say the word and I'll go...

Mitch:
GO!

Vernon:
Eeny, meeny, miney...?

Mitch:
Mo?

Vernon:
Your mother was a...?

Mitch:
Ho?

Vernon:
Who was the famous clown?

Mitch:
Bobo?

Ox:
[whispers] Mitch, cut it out, stop.

Vernon:
That's another!

Ox:
But I was just....

Vernon:
Another!

Bruce:
Wait is that another one for Ox, or Mitch?

Vernon:
Another!

Bruce:
I confused.

Vernon:
Shut your hole, Wang Chung! I got y'all now, for rest of your lives, you're mine. If I have to come back in here again, I'm cracking skulls!