Not Quite Human

Chip Carson:
Becky doesn't like me.

Dr. Jonas Carson:
Don't worry.

Chip Carson:
I won't worry, Dad. I don't know how.

[Becky is inspecting the android her father has built]

Becky:
He looks a lot like you. You know, where you were young.

Jonas:
Yeah, well I make him a little handsomer than is was at that age.

Becky:
Which is what?

Jonas:
Seventeen.

Becky:
You made him older than me?

Jonas:
Well, you always said you wanted an older brother.

[Jonas is testing the android's motor functions]

Jonas:
Very good, C-17. Now raise your left arm. [he complies] All right. Now dangle legs over the table, left side. [he complies] Very good. C-17, that's wonderful. Everything's working beautifully.

Becky:
C-17, is that his name?

Jonas:
Well, it is for now until you help me come up with a better one. Something normal.

Becky:
Um, how about something like Sting or Prince, you know, like from a rock group?

Chip:
Which rock group? Igneous or sedimentary?

Jonas:
If anyone tries to reprogram Chip in a negative way, he's programmed to self-destruct.

Becky:
Destroy himself? How awful.

Jonas:
It's a safety precaution. We could never allow Chip to fall into the wrong hands.

Chip:
What if they could bypass the system, dad?

Jonas:
Well, I've thought of that, but first they'd have to know that you had a self-destruct system, which is highly unlikely, but if they found it, well... I have a backup system that I could activate by remote.

Chip:
You could explode me, right dad?

Jonas:
Yes.

[Vogel and JJ have gone to the Carson house to find it abandoned]

Vogel:
He's gone! I knew it! I sensed something was wrong the other night.

Derks:
Like what?

Vogel:
I don't know, he was acting kind of weird.

Derks:
He always acts kind of weird.

Vogel:
Weirder than usual. He seemed real anxious to get rid of me and his son was acting certifiable.

Derks:
You mean his daughter.

Vogel:
Son.

Derks:
Carson doesn't have a son.

Vogel:
He was away at school.

Derks:
I'm telling you, I've known Carson for years, he doesn't have a son. He has a daughter, Becky.

Vogel:
Then why would he tell me that kid was his son?

Derks:
How old did he look?

Vogel:
I don't know. An adolescent. Sixteen? Seventeen?

Derks:
[starts hyperventilating] Oh my goodness! He did it! I don't believe it! I don't believe it! He did it, he did it, he did it!

Vogel:
What are you babbling about?

Derks:
Carson's dream ever since I've known him was to create something. And the thing he wanted to create was... [Derks' memory lapses]

Vogel:
Yes?

Derks:
What?

Vogel:
The thing he wanted to create?

Derks:
Who?

Vogel:
[grabs JJ and shakes him] Carson! What did he want to create?

Derks:
What a minute, it's coming... an android! An android that looks and acts like a human. That's who that boy was. He did it. I can't believe he did it.

Vogel:
And I saw it and I talked to it and it fooled me! I thought it was just like any other idiot teenager!

Vogel:
You know what this means? We're gonna be rich! We'll have more money than some small countries. The military will beg my forgiveness and why shouldn't they? I'll sell them a whole army of killer androids. They'll shower me with medals!

Derks:
I could have my own lab. I could invent again.

Vogel:
You'll have ten new labs!

Derks:
What about Carson?

Vogel:
What about him?

Derks:
We don't know where he is.

Vogel:
We'll find him.

Derks:
Yeah, but he'll never give us the patent, he doesn't like us.

Vogel:
Well, we'll just take the android, go to Washington and get the patent.

Derks:
But isn't that like stealing?

Vogel:
It's like it, but it isn't. I mean, after all, didn't Carson invent the android while contracting to me?

Derks:
Yeah, but he probably did it on his own spare time.

Vogel:
[grabs JJ by his jacket] Do you want your own lab or not?

Derks:
Let's steal the android.

[the Carsons are on the road to their new home]

Jonas:
I'm hungry, anybody else want to stop for a bite to eat?

Becky:
I'm starving.

Chip:
Me, too.

Becky:
He doesn't have to eat, does he, dad?

Chip:
I'm programmed to have three meals a day.

Jonas:
That's right.

Becky:
But why?

Jonas:
Well, wouldn't it seem strange if Chip were having lunch with his friends and he's the only one who doesn't eat?

Chip:
Kids like to eat. Pizza, hamburger, French fries...

Becky:
Yeah, but how?

Jonas:
I've equipped him with a micro-compactor that compresses all the food he consumes into tiny little packages he can store for the end of the day.

Becky:
That is so gross. I'm not hungry anymore.

Eron:
So, I hear your dad's the new science teacher at school. Is he as cute as you are?

Chip:
No, he made me cuter.

[after reviewing Chip's recording where he practically told his friends that he's an android]

Becky:
Dad, he's going to ruin everything if he keeps talking like that!

Chip:
Why? It was true. [to Jonas] You programmed me always to tell the truth.

Becky:
Yeah, but you don't have to spell it out, micro-brain.

Chip:
Shouldn't I tell the truth, dad?

Jonas:
No! I mean yes, but human beings have a way of being honest without...

Becky:
Spilling the beans.

Chip:
I see. You mean I can be honest without telling the truth.

Jonas:
Right.

Chip:
Doesn't compute, dad. My logic program rejects it.

Becky:
Go straight home, plug yourself in and wait 'til I get there. First do my math homework, page 52 in the orange book.

Chip:
Dad told me never to do your homework or your chores.

Becky:
Great, now he's turning human on me. Okay, just forget it then. Just go home.

Chip:
Can I speak to anyone? Eron said she wanted to talk to me after school today.

Becky:
Eron? No way, forget it! If you see her, run the other way. Understand?

Chip:
Why?

Becky:
Because she likes you.

Chip:
You like Brian, but you're not running away.

Becky:
Yeah, but that's different, I'm...

Chip:
Human?

Becky:
Anyway, who says I like him?

Chip:
Well, you blushed and your body temperature rose by two degrees. My heat sensors picked it up.

Becky:
That doesn't mean I like him. Three degrees means I like him, two degrees means he's just okay.

Chip:
Oh, well his body temperature rose three degrees. Does that mean he likes you?

Becky:
Hmm, you might be useful someday after all.

[while walking home, Chip encounters Erin and her friend]

Eron:
Chip, hi!

Chip:
I'm sorry, Eron, I have to run the other way. [takes off in the opposite direction]

[Vogel and JJ, wearing cheap disguises, are watching Chip from a distance]

Vogel:
There he is.

Derks:
[looking through binoculars] He doesn't look so real. Look at the stiff way he walks.

Vogel:
Not him. [points at Chip] Him!

Chip:
Dinner's ready.

Becky:
I'm not hungry.

Chip:
Are you upset because Brian is taking Erin to the dance?

Becky:
Please just leave me alone.

Chip:
I can take you to the dance.

Becky:
That's all I need, a 400-pound robo-geek stepping all over my feet. No thanks. Now would you just go away a quit ruing my life, okay?

Chip:
I didn't mean to ruin your life, Becky.

Becky:
Yeah, well you have. Ever since you came into this family.

Chip:
I'm sorry.

Becky:
Just forget it. Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Chip:
That's okay... I deserved it.

[Chip leaves]

Becky:
Feelings? I don't believe it! [she rushes to the kitchen were Chip and Jonas are preparing for dinner] Dad, you're not gonna believe this! Guess what? I hurt Chip's feelings.

Jonas:
Well why would you want to-what?

Becky:
He said he'd take me to the dance and I said no way and I swear, I hurt his feelings. I could tell.

Jonas:
Now don't jump to any conclusions. You've gotta be rational and scientific. Chip, how do you feel?

Chip:
Feel?

Jonas:
When Becky said she couldn't go to the dance with you. What was your reaction?

Chip:
Something heavy, right in my central computer.

Jonas:
Yes?

Chip:
Something hot, right near my video sensors.

Jonas:
Becky, you may be right. He may be experiencing human emotion.

Becky:
Wow.

Chip:
Is that good?

Jonas:
Good? If it's true, it's fantastic!