Nowhere

Dark:
L.A. is like, nowhere. Everybody who lives here is lost.

Lucifer:
I gotta burn off these calories fast, before I blow up. Let's go rollerblading or something.

Dark:
I'd rather have my ball hairs burned off with an acetylene torch

Lucifer:
Well, that can be arranged.

Lilith:
Blood is cool.

Lilith:
Dogs eating people is cool.

Dark's Mom:
Were you in there abusing yourself? You masturbate too much, young man. If you keep this up, one day it's just going to wither up and fall off.

Dark Smith:
Shut-up shut-up shut-up shut-up.

Alyssa:
I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed later and not eat for, like, three days.

Handjob:
How about you sit on my face and cut a nice, big, juicy fart?

Elvis:
Spank me, baby. Spank my hot, tight, rock-hard ass.

Dark:
This party's about as much fun as an ingrown butt hair.

Zero:
Don't steal the car, my mom'll kill me.

Mel:
Who ever said you care about me, anyways?

Dark:
Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch decoder ring back in the 6th grade?

Mel:
Isn't sex the best tension release there is? It's like a really good sweaty game of racquetball. Except you get to come at the end.

Alyssa:
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the big earthquake hit? And all the nuclear power plants in California blew up? I mean... What would they do with the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?

Lucifer:
Eat my box, rover.

Dark:
Clean the maggots out of it first, you stinky oyster.

Alyssa:
Hey... Do you know what today is?

Montgomery:
Friday?

Alyssa:
No, dodo bird. It's Armageddon day. The day the world's supposed to end. Look, have you ever heard of the Rapture?

Montgomery:
The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

Ducky:
Have you seen Egg? It's her turn to recycle the aluminum.

Dingbat:
Oh my god. You haven't heard? Your sister just left here with... You're not even gonna believe this... Do you ever watch Baywatch?

Alyssa:
You smell like a wet dog.

Elvis:
Complainin'?

Alyssa:
Nope.

Alyssa:
Meow.

Shannon:
Hey Jana, isn't that your muff diving little sister over there with her disgusting boscoe-flavored girlfriend?

Jana:
Insert it in your clammy crevice, will ya, Shannon?

Lucifer:
If you pop a zit on your forehead you can get blood poisoning and die, you know.

Dark:
Lucifer, you are so dumb you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

Dark:
Dear diary, what a day. I swear I've never been so depressed, miserable, and lonely in my entire life. It's like I know there's got to be somebody out there somewhere... just one person in this huge, horrible, unhappy universe who can hold me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. And how long do I have to wait before that person shows up. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand... watching everyone around me die a slow, agonizing, death. It's like we all know way down in our souls that our generation is going to witness the end of everything. You can see it in our eyes. It's in mine, look. I'm doomed. I'm only 18 years-old and I'm totally doomed.

Valley Chick #1:
Oh my god! Jujyfruit's party is tonight, and I have no clue who to go with.

Valley Chick #2:
What about Jason?

Valley Chick #3:
I'm going with Jason!

Valley Chick #1:
We could all go with Tomas!

Valley Chick #3:
I thought YOU were going with Tomas!

Valley Chick #2:
Tomas has a dinky weenie.

Valley Chick #3:
You did Tomas?

Valley Chick #2:
Ew! I'm sure, gross. I thought Jason was doing Tomas.

Valley Chick #1:
Jason's going out with that valley sluthole Eileen Schwatrzkoff.

Valley Chick #3:
Untrue! Says who?

Valley Chick #1:
Eileen.

Valley Chick #3:
And you believe her? Hello! She lives in Whittier!

Valley Chick #2:
If Jason did Eileen he must've done Richard!

Valley Chick #1:
Who's Richard?

Valley Chick #2:
Eileen's other scag, and she's totally into these kinko three ways!

Valley Chick #3:
Eileen... is... a... whore!

Valley Chick #1:
Is Richard the surfer with the hair lift who drives the black Jetta?

Valley Chick #2:
No. He's got a Lexus.

Valley Chick #1:
I thought he hung himself!

Valley Chick #2:
No! He's totally gorgeous. Plus, he's got a Lexus.

Valley Chick #1:
Is he gay?

Valley Chick #2:
Who? Jason?

Valley Chick #3:
Richard?

Valley Chick #1:
Tomas!

Valley Chick #3:
Well, duh! What do you think, dingle berry?