Obscurus Lupa Presents

Obscurus Lupa:
Hi everyone, welcome back to Obscurus Lupa Presents.

Oancitizen:
That was a good movie, "An Inconvenient Truth."

Obscurus Lupa:
If you ever wondered what Twilight would look like if it was shot in Canada and the actors were paid in silly string and broken dreams, look no further than Blood Red Moon!

Obscurus Lupa:
Yeah, because if you tint everything blue makes it night time. Clearly.

Obscurus Lupa:
I'm squirrelly and greasy, why don't you trust me?

Obscurus Lupa:
Her election party, however, is interrupted by a shooter who really hates party decorations and pickle jars. Maybe it would help if he aimed at the people.

Obscurus Lupa:
So yeah, much to my surprise the bumbling lumber workers lose!

Obscurus Lupa:
So long Sonny, we'll always remember you for the a**hole you were.

Obscurus Lupa:
It doesn't have to make sense! It's a Cynthia Rothrock movie.

Linkara:
Add up everything you've ever done and what do you got to show for it? Jack and sh*t. Jack left town.

Linkara:
You're not as funny as I am. You're not as funny as the Nostalgia Critic, and he's DEAD.

Cinema Snob:
Come on, we all know that you're just me with b*obs, and I am way hotter.

ChaosD1:
You're nobody. You're boring. You're smug.

Film Brain:
Hey!

ChaosD1:
Not you.

Film Brain:
Ohhhhh, I get it, I get it.

Sad Panda:
You sound like you are wearing a wind tunnel in your older videos.

Obscurus Lupa:
You're all possessed! You've become deadites. Oh man, this is so going to ruin any future cameo stuff.

Obscurus Lupa:
I'll take the time now to apologize for my Irish accent. I'll also apologize to Diamandahagan for good measure. Oh wait, I don't have to! She's dead! Hahaha - oh...

Obscurus Lupa:
Yeah... James Benett apparently thought that pop songs are what gets the blood boiling for us action fans. Get used to this hilariously inappropriate soundtrack.

Iron Liz:
I know what this is. This is the last known footage of the kid, isn't it?

Obscurus Lupa:
Aw, snap! This is going into Slender Man territory!

Obscurus Lupa:
That's got to be the most humiliating thing. You spend your whole life training to be a ninja and what do they hire you for? To hold the flag.

Obscurus Lupa:
Did you see how that flip helped me to bludgeon you with the box more efficiently?

Obscurus Lupa:
Hamlet the Vampire Slayer is exactly what you think it is: it's Hamlet, and he's a cheerleader who slays vampires. Exactly like Shakespeare intended.

Ralph Oancitizen:
The definition of diarrhea?

Obscurus Lupa:
It's funny because it's poop.

Ralph Oancitizen:
They misspelled 'feces'.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Now they aren't even defining it, they're just using toilet words. I refuse to watch anything that makes a scatalogical reference that isn't somehow tied in with any social-political commentary.

Obscurus Lupa:
Yeah, poop should have meaning, dammit.

Duffy:
When are you Goth kids ever gonna learn that vampires don't exist?

Obscurus Lupa, Ralph Oancitizen:
Ohhhhhhhh.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Then a vampire kills her in slow-mo. It's stupid as crap.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Hamlet is a cheerleader. Why is Hamlet a cheerleader?

Obscurus Lupa:
The question is, why aren't YOU a cheerleader?

Ralph Oancitizen:
I want to punch him in his side burns.

Ralph Oancitizen:
This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen on film.

Obscurus Lupa:
Dumber than Trash Humpers?

Ralph Oancitizen:
No... you got me there.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Just stop! How come the last moments of a dying old man... a dying 25-year-old man... are being coupled with a song about being single?

Obscurus Lupa:
Maybe that's how it hap...

Ralph Oancitizen:
That's not how it happened in the play!

Obscurus Lupa:
Laertes is kinda pissed about his sister dying, so he challenges Hamlet to a male cheerleading dance-off.

Ralph Oancitizen:
They killed Gertrude with a poisoned pom-pom?

Obscurus Lupa:
Her name was Gertrude?

Obscurus Lupa:
So, what'd ya think?

Ralph Oancitizen:
I feel like a frat boy shat in my soul.

Todd in the Shadows:
Hey.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Hey.

Todd in the Shadows:
'Sup?

Ralph Oancitizen:
Nothing.

Todd in the Shadows:
You're gonna review Hamlet the Vampire Slayer at MAGfest, 'kay?

Ralph Oancitizen:
'Kay.

Ralph Oancitizen:
William Shakespeare is MY turf!

Ralph Oancitizen:
Why the definitions? Just... why?

Obscurus Lupa:
Because... poop.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Is it too esoteric to make reference to Grotowski's Towards a Poor Theatre?

Obscurus Lupa:
I don't know what any of those words mean.

Ralph Oancitizen:
What is this now? Who is the guy who looks like Mike Myers' German SNL character? [subtitle: "Sven - a gay"] A gay. Of course. The f***?

Obscurus Lupa:
Sven is Laertes' instructor in dancing and male cheerleading. So basically, he is that SNL character.

Laertes:
I'd rather twirl a baton... than a gun.

Obscurus Lupa:
That's deep.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Still less vapid a statement as "to thine own self be true."

Obscurus Lupa:
Why do you say that, Ralph Oancitizen?

Ralph Oancitizen:
My name isn't... gah!

Ralph Oancitizen:
What was wrong with the original language? Why must everything be dumbed down? Wherefore is this Columbius film before mine eyes be shown?

Obscurus Lupa:
Is that a real sentence?

Ralph Oancitizen:
Why the f*** am I watching this turd?

Ghost:
List list o list!

Hamlet:
Wait, wait, I think I got it this time. List list o list. You want me to listen, right?

Ghost:
No, I forgot my grocery list. I don't know if Hell needs any eggs or not.

Obscurus Lupa:
Wait, why did Hamlet's dad end up going to Hell? How good of a dad was he then?

Ralph Oancitizen:
Well, in the play, it's because his spirit can't rest until he is avenged. Here, it's because he made that horrible list joke. Well, that and the rampant child abuse.

Voice Over:
Ooh, scary!

Ralph Oancitizen:
No, not at all.

Ralph Oancitizen:
[to Ophelia] Please drown!

Ralph Oancitizen:
And Macbeth talks to God and Lou Diamond Phillips, two things which I am fairly certain did not happen in Macbeth.

Ralph Oancitizen:
They ruined everything. Everything, don't you see? This is William Shakespeare. He is supposed to be revered, respected, his works performed in stuffy old theaters by people in rental costumes. It's not supposed to have toilet humor!

Obscurus Lupa:
Country matters.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Touche.

Obscurus Lupa:
Then Laertes and Hamlet poison each other, and Macbeth kills Claudio, thus making Hamlet the Vampire Slayer a film where Hamlet does not slay one vampire.

Ralph Oancitizen:
May flights of vampires sing thee to thy motherf***ing rest!

Ralph Oancitizen:
Ah, beg your pardon, I have an inquiry. What is the semiotic denotation of a 'pinky promise'?

Obscurus Lupa:
I just heard 'Blah blah big words pinky promise,' so I can't help you.

Ralph Oancitizen:
[quoting from The Winters Tale] I have drunk and seen the spider. There is a plot against my niche, my show. All's true that is mistrusted! Thou has usurped my art, and I remain a pinched thing; Yea, a very trick for you to play at will!

Obscurus Lupa:
[helpfully] You drank a spider?

Ralph Oancitizen:
This guy must be on loan from A Raisin in the Son of the Living Dead. A theatre joke, thank you! [to Lupa] Don't use that take.

Obscurus Lupa:
Ralph Oancitizen, my friend, this is Hamlet: the Vampire Slayer.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Um... I guess I stopped listening after the word "Hamlet."

Obscurus Lupa:
Boo! Bring on Hamlet!

Obscurus Lupa:
[Gertrude appears, seemingly flirting with Hamlet] Eww!

Ralph Oancitizen:
Well, given how many scholars have read incestuous longing between these two characters, this is not out of place.

Obscurus Lupa:
Did these scholars also see Hamlet as a cheerleader?

Ralph Oancitizen:
No. No, they did not.

Ralph Oancitizen:
John Everett Millais' The Death of Ophelia was not as beautiful as THAT death of Ophelia.

Obscurus Lupa:
Had to throw that reference in there, didn't you?

Ralph Oancitizen:
I have a reputation to uphold.

Ralph Oancitizen:
So, I hear you're watching Hamlet. Excellent, now which version is it? Branagh, Olivier, Grigori Kozintsev?

Obscurus Lupa:
Jason Witter.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Ah... who?

Claudio:
Hamlet is a stupid piece of a**hole fart and I have no time for him.

Ralph Oancitizen:
A**hole fart?

Obscurus Lupa:
Ha, you said it!

Ralph Oancitizen:
They're playing Dungeons and Dragons. It cheeves me to know that these characters will survive.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Allow me to explain this one, because I'm not sure the audience will get it. See, Polonius is on the shitter, and he's making poo-fart sounds because he's relieving himself. This is all while Hamlet's mom is taking a test to see if her lover is a vampire, which is not the usual way to expose your uncle's vampirism. Also, this is followed by Polonius covering himself in toilet paper, thus causing Hamlet to confuse him with Claudio and stake him. Yah! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid film!

Obscurus Lupa:
So Buffy actually exists and Xander is dead in this universe? Harsh.

Obscurus Lupa:
Don't worry, Ralph, there's only fifteen minutes left.

Ralph Oancitizen:
[blubbering] Fifteen minutes!

Gertrude:
I'm going to marry your uncle.

Hamlet:
Uncle Bob? He's your brother. Oh, that is AWESOME!

Obscurus Lupa:
[upbeat] Incest joke!

Ralph Oancitizen:
[deadpan] Ew.

Obscurus Lupa:
Hey look, dramatically convenient rain.

Obscurus Lupa:
I hope nothing bad happens like you getting gunned down, that would be the worst time for that to happen. Nooo, you're dying in my arms dramatically

Obscurus Lupa:
No retreat, no surrender!

Obscurus Lupa:
[Miss Yvonne kisses Pee-Wee's cheek] No, no, don't do that to Pee-Wee. I'm pretty sure this counts as losing his virginity to him.

Pee-Wee:
Perfume. Eau de Pee-Wee.

Obscurus Lupa:
Eww, what's that supposed to smell like, a crayon-covered carny?

Nostalgia Critic:
Hi, Lupa, it's the Nostalgia Critic, calling from your TV for some reason.

Pee-Wee:
Now we don't have any decorations, because I was only thinking of myself.

Obscurus Lupa:
Yes, and by decorating your own playhouse, you'll be thinking of others.

Obscurus Lupa:
I wish I could make this review move along a little faster.

Oancitizen:
Did someone say wish?

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh, hi, Oancitizen.

Oancitizen:
Hi, Lupa. I heard you were doing another Christmas special.

Obscurus Lupa:
I sure am. Are you doing anything special for Christmas?

Oancitizen:
Of course, I'll be celebrating with some old Swedish traditions.

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh really? Like what?

Oancitizen:
Oh, not much, just grinding up the bones of children and serving them to Santa in wooden shoes.

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh.

Oancitizen:
And I'll be drinking egg nog.

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh, yum.

MarzGurl:
Lupa, do I have to keep sorting through your hate mail?

Obscurus Lupa:
You mean fan mail.

MarzGurl:
This one says you're the worst thing since cancer.

Obscurus Lupa:
You keep looking 'til you find one that says something good.

MarzGurl:
Oh, but that'll take forever.

Obscurus Lupa:
Keep going!

Obscurus Lupa:
Everyone gathers around to sing Christmas carols when... whoa, Santa just magics himself in in the middle of all this? What, kids can't see him, but for Pee-Wee, he makes a personal appearance? Well, excuse me, I didn't realize he was such a national treasure.

Nostalgia Critic:
I was wondering if I could be in your Christmas special.

Obscurus Lupa:
Well, Nostalgia Critic, we're pretty booked.

Nostalgia Critic:
No, no, it'll be great. We could do a sketch or something.

Obscurus Lupa:
I don't know, you haven't really done any great sketches since Melvin.

MarzGurl:
Hey Lupa, can I get a break?

Obscurus Lupa:
That depends. Did you find a piece of fan mail yet?

MarzGurl:
This one says they hated you slightly less than telemarketers.

Obscurus Lupa:
Doesn't count. Get back to work!

MarzGurl:
Ohh!

Obscurus Lupa:
Do you really wanna kiss Chairry who's had Pee-wee's ass on her face?

Obscurus Lupa:
That was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. I'm pretty sure he just killed Magic Johnson.

Obscurus Lupa:
Hey, can you help me out with that wish thing?

Oancitizen:
Oh, sure. Mekka-lekka-hi, Mekka-hinie-ho.

Obscurus Lupa:
Wow, thanks. Did that save me some time on this Christmas special?

Oancitizen:
No, I just drew it out longer.

Obscurus Lupa:
Ohh!

Andrew Dickman:
I'm not a hussy, I get paid good money. So at the very least, that makes me a whore.

Obscurus Lupa:
How did he eat cookies?

Linkara:
Why did he eat cookies?

Tommy:
Wow, this is what I call Christmas magic.

Obscurus Lupa:
Shut up, Tommy.

Obscurus Lupa:
Hey everyone. Welcome back to Obscurus Lupa Presents. I'm not feeling so great this week, don't ask me why... [Flashback to Lupa wearing a suitcoat and glasses] Hey everyone, welcome to "Lupa Tries". Today, we're gonna be drinking Windex!

Obscurus Lupa:
I will now read to you the back of the VHS case: "Ten-year-old Alex's life is about to become a 24-hour-a-day video game when his absent-minded father needs to raise $1.5 million fast, Alex and his family's wacky home robot start a race against time. It's one boy and one short-circuited robot on an electrifying chase across New York City as they hunt down a priceless relic. He may have a couple of wires crossed, but this walking mound of megabytes has enough heart to save the day." Wouldn't it be great if any of that f***ing happened?

Obscurus Lupa:
Uh oh here comes Alyssa- the big bad, the head honcho, the big kahuna, the leader of the pure bloods, the terrifying main villain, the ultimate- oh I guess she's dead.

Obscurus Lupa:
You couldn't jam a few Christmas lights into a shoe box or something? You had to CGI the controls?

Obscurus Lupa:
Yes because the only motivation your antagonist needs for being a b*tch is that she doesn't like new girls.

Obscurus Lupa:
Alright, enough farting around.

Obscurus Lupa:
I don't know how he can go from hysterical screaming to naive forgiveness without changing his facial expression, but somehow, Tommy Wiseau manages to do it.

Obscurus Lupa:
I got the results of the test back, I definitely just pooped myself.

Obscurus Lupa:
Come on, the mullet alone should have tipped you off, lady.

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh yeah, I forgot about the part of vampire mythology where they always keep clubs from the 1980s in the basement.

Obscurus Lupa:
[singing] Oh, I wish you a Turtle Christmas/ I know James Rolfe already did this/ It's such a piece of poopis/ so shut the hell up.

Turtles:
[singing] We're the turtles and we're waiting for you.

Obscurus Lupa:
Wait, they're waiting for me? What the hell?

Turtles:
[singing] We're the turtles and we're on our way.

Obscurus Lupa:
On your way? Like, to my house?

Obscurus Lupa:
There's no way it can beat Ninja Turtles 3 a.k.a. the greatest film of the series bar none.

Obscurus Lupa:
You get the hell away from me, turtles!

Obscurus Lupa:
Why is he Jamaican?

Leonardo:
[singing] Christmas eve and all is ready.

Turtles:
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Leonardo:
No Bebop and no Rocksteady.

Obscurus Lupa:
Oh I only wish that a pig and a rhino would crash through that wall right about now.

Turtles:
[singing] Merry Christmas to the Shredder.

Shredlous:
What? Merry Christmas to me? That's so sweet. I feel bad now for trying to kill you all.

Obscurus Lupa:
So let me get this straight, you got gifts for everyone, except for the only other dude who lives with you? How many people do you know? Don't make excuses, you were so desperate for characters earlier that you were wishing Shredder a merry Christmas.

Obscurus Lupa:
If the stores are closing and you're taking the time to sing a musical number about your urgency to get a gift, then show some urgency to get the gift!

Obscurus Lupa:
They just shoved that kid out of the way. Those turtles are a**holes.

Raphael:
I'd just like to point out to you guys that there are now only two hours of shopping left before Christmas.

Obscurus Lupa:
What? Back in the sewer, Raphael pointed out that it was 5 o'clock, so did they just spend five hours shitting the time away with musical numbers? You have no sense of time management, dudes.

Michaelangelo:
I could always sing for him.

Turtles:
Not!

Obscurus Lupa:
You know the "not" joke doesn't work like that, right?

Obscurus Lupa:
When they release Gotta Get a Gift as a single, I'll be first in line to buy it.

Leonardo:
[singing] How about a set of golf clubs?

Donatello:
Splinter's not athletic.

Obscurus Lupa:
Well, thanks for taking the time to point that out. Not everyone can be as buff as you, jerkass.

Leonardo:
A bowling ball, some ice skates.

Donatello:
You guys are pathetic.

Obscurus Lupa:
What a jerk.

Obscurus Lupa:
So out of all the things you looked at as potential gifts, you settle on the framed pizza? Who the hell would want that? What store would sell that?

Obscurus Lupa:
They had some major trouble with the boss of the store though. [cut to]

Shredlous:
I cannot BELIEVE they made me work on Christmas. Hey, stop singing and dancing. Either buy something or get out!

Obscurus Lupa:
Why are the kids in the sewer now? Forget the fact that they don't care that the turtles exist apparently, what parent would let their kids get into the sewer? Or wait, did the turtles kidnap them? Is this one of the gifts they got for Splinter: a harem of children?

Obscurus Lupa:
I am equal parts elated and sad. I'm unsure of what emotion to convey at this point.

Splinter:
[singing] On the first day of Christmas, the turtles gave to me: a pizza with pepperoni.

Obscurus Lupa:
Yeah, I wonder who's going to end up eating that. Wait, are they gonna do the WHOLE twelve days of Christmas song? F***!

Turtles:
[singing] The wrap rap. Wrap rap. Say it again.

Obscurus Lupa:
No, I'd rather not.

Obscurus Lupa:
I'm shitting you not, folks, I've found a director worse than Uwe Boll