Off Centre

[Euan is talking to a doctor to get circumcised]

Dr. Wasserman:
Let me ask you, have you given any thought to the kind of cut you would like?

Euan:
Well uh, well no.

Dr. Wasserman:
Would you like to pick one out from "The Big Book Of Penises"?

Euan:
Uh, I suppose...

Dr. Wasserman:
Joking! Joking!

Euan:
Oh!

Dr. Wasserman:
There is no "Big Book Of Penises"! I mean, maybe there is one, but I certainly don't have it!

Euan:
Water?

Mike Platt:
No, thanks. I have one.

Euan:
Oh, well I figured you might need a "backup". Just in case the other one runs out!

Dr. Wasserman:
Ahh, reading about Mel Gibson, I see. He's circumcised.

Euan:
Really? It just says here that it rained a lot during the filming of "Braveheart".

[Chau is trying to organize a protest rally to bring back the recently cancelled T.V. show "The Education of Max Bickford."]

Chau Presley:
Check out my sign.

[Holds up a sign that reads "We Don't Need No Education!"]

Chau Presley:
We don't need no education. Get it? *"Education"*, "The Education of Max Bickford".

Euan:
But it says we don't need it.

Chau Presley:
No it says "We *don't* need *no* education". It's a double negative, which means we *do* need it!

Mike Platt:
Chau, I'm not sure how to tell you this but, I think your sign's a little retarded!

Chau Presley:
Yeah, retarded. Like a fox!

Chau Presley:
If you hurt that girl I will kill you, nurse you back to health, and then kill you again!

Mike Platt:
[after Status' dog has farted, Mike is laughing] What? Gas is funny. And dog gas is like seven times as funny!

Euan:
Oh my God! I just met Krisie Lee's boyfriend

Chau Presley:
Oh... was he a big guy? Oh! But with an ironic nick-name like "Tiny"!

[Mr. Dexter banging on the door, and yells for Euan]

Euan:
Oh God, what do I do?...

[looks at Liz]

Euan:
Liz! Liz, Be my girlfriend!

Liz Lombardi:
What?

Euan:
Come on play along! You're fantasy's finally coming true!

[looks at Chau and Mike]

Euan:
And you two...

Chau Presley:
Uhhh... we're you're GAY friends!

Euan:
[opens the door to greet Mr. Dexter] Oh Mr. Dexter! How wonderful to see you! This is my girlfriend Liz, we're in a committed relationship totally monogomas!

Liz Lombardi:
Yep I'm his girlfriend!

Euan:
Yeah give some sugar baby!

Liz Lombardi:
Oh!

[Euan kisses her]

Mike Platt:
Hey!

[goes to stop them from kissing... ]

Chau Presley:
[pulls Mike back to him... ] Oh don't worry Chau's got some sugar for you too!

[kisses Mike]

Mike Platt:
[Mike mortified... pushes Chau away and runs for the door... stops... pauses... looks back at Chau and points at him... ] You just slipped me the toungue...

Chau Presley:
[pulls Mike back] Dude they were kissing, so we had to kiss... Great you blew Euans whole scam!

Jordan:
Euan's uncircumsized, isn't that gross?

Nathan 'Status Quo':
It's certainly gross to talk about it.

Euan:
[Mike is trying to change his image] Wait a minute, where are the clothes we bought you? I thought you were changing your image, you look exactly the same.

Mike Platt:
[Slightly slurred] I don't think so. [Sticks out his tongue to reveal a tongue-piercing]

Euan:
You pierced your tongue?

Mike Platt:
Yeah, no dit Derlock!

Liz Lombardi:
Yeah, that reminds me. I've gotta go, I've got a date tonight.

Euan:
Hang on, Mike's tongue-ring reminds you that you have a date tonight?

Liz Lombardi:
Yeah. *He's* got a stud in his mouth...

[repeated line]

Chau Presley:
You know!

Chau Presley:
Euan, can I crash here tonight? My house is infested with ants.

Euan:
Why don't you just spray them?

Chau Presley:
I would, but my uncles would get really mad. You know! [laughs] But seriously, I hate them.

Euan:
Mike, did you see them? There were boobies out for all to see! Did you see them chau? Boobies!

Mike Platt:
I told you, she's Bohemian.

Chau Presley:
Dude, why's it got to be about race with you?

[Mike and Liz are lying in the couch reading, while Jordan and Chau are in the other room where the bed is squeaking]

[Mike and Liz stop reading]

Mike Platt:
God's sake.

Jordan:
Chau, stop jumping on the bed! Come here and have sexual intercourse with me.

Chau Presley:
It's just so springy, I can't resist.

Jordan:
Can you resist me?

Chau Presley:
Wow, even springier.

Liz Lombardi:
Look, let's just ignore them.

[Mike and Liz continue reading]

Jordan:
Chau.

Chau Presley:
What?

Jordan:
Chau. [sighs]

Chau Presley:
What?

Jordan:
Ohh, Chau! [moans]

Chau Presley:
What? I am right here on top of you!