Office Christmas Party

Tim:
Nate, what's up, man? Did you see? Significant others are welcome at the party.

Drew:
Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.

Nate:
Yeah. Um, oh, shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.

Tim:
Is she shooting the cover... of "Full of Sh*t" magazine?

Lonny:
So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.

Carol:
[distracted momentarily] Mmm. No, I did not know that.

Lonny:
Yeah.

Carol:
Oh.

Lonny:
It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like... [imitates an old woman] "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of 'Up'."

Carol:
All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.

Clay:
Done! And you're going to look so stupid!

Carol:
[Begins walking out of the door] Then we'll finally have something in common!

Clay:
[the door shuts] Goddammit, she's so mean!

Carol:
Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.

Airline Concierge:
I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.

Carol:
Well, refer me to someone who can do something!

Airline Concierge:
That would be God, ma'am.

Carol:
Oh. Her.

Jeremy:
Mary just f***ing cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!

Josh:
[tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.

Jeremy:
She is like a poisonous f***ing cloud of sh*t gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my f***ing hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!

Josh:
It is.

[Jeremy leaves]

Walter Davis:
He's in customer service?

Josh:
Yeah. He's much better on the phone.

Fred:
Mummy! I mean, Allison. Don't leave.

Allison:
Save that sh*t for the fourth date like a normal person!

Nate:
Allison, are you okay?

Allison:
No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human f***ing AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?

Nate:
Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.

Mary:
[enters the empty, now-trashed office] Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.

[runs into Jeremy]

Jeremy:
I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.

Mary:
[looks at him below his waist] Put your pants on. [turns/walks away] For now.

Josh:
Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.

Mary:
I buy in bulk!

Josh Parker:
Can this thing handle snow?

Mary:
Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.

Mary:
[grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van] Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.

Josh:
Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.

Mary:
Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.

Josh:
That doesn't seem that bad.

Mary:
And then I said, "If you don't f*** me, buster, I will ruin you."

Josh Parker:
Hmm. That's harassment.

Nate:
Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.

Tim:
Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?

Drew:
Yeah, why would we help you?

Nate:
[grabs Tim by the collar] Because I'm your f***ing boss, and I'm telling you to.

Drew:
[turns to Mary] He can't touch him!

Mary:
I'll allow it.

Josh Parker:
[to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.

Clay Vanstone:
I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.

Clay Vanstone:
Vin Diesel ain't got sh*t on me!

Clay Vanstone:
Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.