Office Space

Drew:
I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh. Oh.

Bob Slydell:
I'll be honest with you, I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman".

Tom Smykowski:
It's a "Jump to Conclusions Mat". You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.

Michael Bolton:
That is the worst idea I've ever heard.

Samir:
Yes, this is horrible, this idea.

Dom Portwood:
Hello, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

Dom Portwood:
Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even a problem anymore.

Dom Portwood:
Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports *before* they go out now. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

Bob Slydell:
Would you bear with me for just a second here.

Peter Gibbons:
OK.

Bob Slydell:
What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?

Peter Gibbons:
I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.

Bob Slydell:
Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.

Peter Gibbons:
Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well.

Bob Porter:
Excellent.

Bob Slydell:
Great... Wow.

Peter Gibbons:
What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?

Samir:
It would be nice to have that kind of job security.

Peter Gibbons:
Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh...

Peter Gibbons:
because I'm a big p*ssy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.

Michael Bolton:
Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a p*ssy, OK?

Samir:
Yes, I am also not a p*ssy.

Peter Gibbons:
Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

Samir:
So what did you say?

Peter Gibbons:
I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

Michael Bolton:
No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean sh*t up if they had a million dollars.

Samir:
You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and

Michael Bolton:
Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you

Michael Bolton:
"PC Load Letter"? What the f*** does that mean?

Peter Gibbons:
You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Bob Porter:
Don't... don't care?

Peter Gibbons:
It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.

Bob Porter:
Eight?

Peter Gibbons:
Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Joanna:
How dare you judge me? Look at you. You're just some penny-stealing... criminal... man.

Peter Gibbons:
Well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh.

Samir:
No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of sh*t out the window.

Michael Bolton:
You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.

Samir:
Piece of sh*t.

Peter Gibbons:
What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Lawrence:
I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.

Peter Gibbons:
That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence:
Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.

Peter Gibbons:
Well, not all chicks.

Lawrence:
Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

Peter Gibbons:
Good point.

Lawrence:
Well what about you now? what would you do?

Peter Gibbons:
Besides two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence:
Well yeah.

Peter Gibbons:
Nothing.

Lawrence:
Nothing, huh?

Peter Gibbons:
I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

Lawrence:
Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do sh*t.

Samir:
No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.

Michael Bolton:
Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir:
You know there's nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton:
There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir:
Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?

Michael Bolton:
No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Joanna:
So, where do you work, Peter?

Peter Gibbons:
Initech.

Joanna:
In... yeah, what do you do there?

Peter Gibbons:
I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.

Joanna:
What's that?

Peter Gibbons:
Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

Joanna:
You're just not gonna go?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah.

Joanna:
Won't you get fired?

Peter Gibbons:
I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.

Joanna:
So you're gonna quit?

Peter Gibbons:
Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.

Joanna:
When did you decide all that?

Peter Gibbons:
About an hour ago.

Joanna:
An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?

Peter Gibbons:
I don't think I'd like another job.

Joanna:
Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...

Peter Gibbons:
You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

Joanna:
So what do you wanna do?

Peter Gibbons:
First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu?

Joanna:
I love kung fu.

Peter Gibbons:
Channel 39.

Joanna:
Totally.

Peter Gibbons:
You should come over and watch kung fu tonight.

Joanna:
Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok.

Bob Slydell:
You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah.

Bob Slydell:
Great.

Peter Gibbons:
Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.

Bob Porter:
Da-uh? Space out?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Bob Slydell:
I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

Steve:
Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

Michael Bolton:
If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

Samir:
I don't want to go to ANY prison!

Peter Gibbons:
Lawrence, you awake?

Lawrence:
Yeah.

Peter Gibbons:
You wanna come over?

Lawrence:
No, thanks, man. I don't want you f***ing up my life, too.

Peter Gibbons:
So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson:
What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah.

Dr. Swanson:
Wow, that's messed up.

Bob Porter:
Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.

Peter Gibbons:
Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

Bob Slydell:
Milton Waddams.

Dom Portwood:
Who's he?

Bob Porter:
You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.

Dom Portwood:
Oh, yeah.

Bob Slydell:
Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.

Bob Porter:
I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.

Bob Slydell:
So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.

Bill Lumbergh:
Great.

Dom Portwood:
So um, Milton has been let go?

Bob Slydell:
Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.

Bob Porter:
We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Peter Gibbons:
You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?

Bob Slydell:
Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.

Bob Porter:
Standard operating procedure.

Peter Gibbons:
Do they know this yet?

Bob Slydell:
No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Bill Lumbergh:
Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?

Milton Waddams:
Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

Peter Gibbons:
What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?

Peter Gibbons:
Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?

Joanna:
Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.

Peter Gibbons:
Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

Bob Porter:
We'll be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.

Samir:
Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just...

Bill Lumbergh:
Oh, and next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day... so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

Rob Newhouse:
You know, minimum security prison is no picnic. I had a client in there once. He said the trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's b*tch. Then everything will be all right.

Milton Waddams:
I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

Milton Waddams:
Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still have not received my paycheck and they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it.

Tom Smykowski:
Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?

Michael Bolton:
You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?

Peter Gibbons:
Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

Peter Gibbons:
I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.

Samir:
Back up in your ass with the resurrection.

Peter Gibbons:
Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?

Lawrence:
No. No, man. Sh*t, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Michael Bolton:
You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.

Peter Gibbons:
Actually I'm being promoted.

Bill Lumbergh:
Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too...

Milton Waddams:
The ratio of people to cake is too big.

Michael Bolton:
You think the pet rock was a really great idea?

Tom Smykowski:
Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.

Peter Gibbons:
Really, what was it, Tom?

Tom Smykowski:
Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.

Lawrence:
Doesn't that chick look like Anne?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, a little bit...

Lawrence:
Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get this feeling like she's cheating on me.

Lawrence:
Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.

Peter Gibbons:
What do you mean by that?

Lawrence:
I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just...

Peter Gibbons:
Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?

Samir:
Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.

Peter Gibbons:
Samir, this is America.

Peter Gibbons:
Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.

Joanna:
From the crippled children?

Peter Gibbons:
No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.

Tom Smykowski:
Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.

Peter Gibbons:
Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's gonna be just like

Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter:
So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?

Peter Gibbons:
Just coffee.

Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter:
Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

Joanna:
Why don't you call me when you grow up! Wait a minute, that will never happen, so why don't you just not call me, yeah...

Peter Gibbons:
Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

Bill Lumbergh:
Hello Peter, what's happening? Listen, are you gonna have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?

Peter Gibbons:
No.

Bill Lumbergh:
Ah. Well then I suppose we should go ahead and have a little talk.

Peter Gibbons:
Not right now Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. You know what, in fact I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back later, I've got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes.

Bill Lumbergh:
I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, they called me at home.

Nina:
Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.

Joanna:
You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there Bryan, why don't you make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?

Stan, Chotchkie's Manager:
Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.

Joanna:
You know what, I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.

Peter Gibbons:
Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Samir:
Is there some way to just give the money back?

Peter Gibbons:
What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out.

Peter Gibbons:
You know, corporate accounts is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13 Michael!

Peter Gibbons:
Hey, guys.

Michael Bolton:
What's up, G?

Peter Gibbons:
Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?

Samir:
Oh, it's a little early.

Peter Gibbons:
I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

Peggy, Lumbergh's Secretary:
Uh oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays.

Female Temp:
Michael...Bolton?

Michael Bolton:
Yeah, that's me.

Female Temp:
Wow! Is that your real name?

Michael Bolton:
Yeah.

Female Temp:
So are you related to that singer guy?

Michael Bolton:
No. It's just a coincidence.

Female Temp:
[visibly disappointed] Oh.

Samir Nagheenanajar:
No-one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It..it's not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar...Nagheenanajar.

Michael Bolton:
Well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir Nagheenanajar:
You know, there is nothing wrong with that name.

Michael Bolton:
No, there was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Samir Nagheenanajar:
Why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael.

Michael Bolton:
No way, why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Peter Gibbons:
It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

Michael Bolton:
I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Peter Gibbons:
Oh. That is not right, Michael.

Peter Gibbons:
[Explaining the plan] Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened.

Joanna:
[Confused] So you're stealing?

Peter Gibbons:
Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot.

Joanna:
Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?

Peter Gibbons:
Yeah.

Joanna:
Right. It's not yours?

Peter Gibbons:
Well it becomes ours.

Joanna:
How is that not stealing?

Peter Gibbons:
[pauses] I don't think I'm explaining this very well.

Joanna:
Okay.

Peter Gibbons:
Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?

Joanna:
From the cripple children?

Peter Gibbons:
No that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?

Joanna:
Oh, for everybody. Okay.

Peter Gibbons:
Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here. But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.

Bob Slydell:
I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now, we had a chance to meet this young man and, boy, that's just a straight-shooter with "upper management" written all over him.

Bill Lumbergh:
Oooo...yeahhhh, ummm...I'm gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately, and I'm just not sure that he's the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He's also been having some problems with his TPS reports.

Bob Porter:
[To Slydell] I'll handle this. [To Lumbergh] We feel that the problem isn't with Peter.

Bob Slydell:
Mmm-mmm.

Bob Porter:
It's that you haven't challenged him enough, to get him motivated.

Bob Slydell:
There it is.

Bill Lumbergh:
Yeah, um, well, I'm just not sure about that right now.

Bob Slydell:
[Pulls Peter's file aside, showing Lumbergh's file next] Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here: How much time would you say you spend each week dealing with these TPS reports?

Bill Lumbergh:
[Pause] Yeah...

Peter Gibbons:
I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

Bill Lumbergh:
Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Mmmmmkay? Thaaaaaanks.

Bill Lumbergh:
I'm going to need those TPS reports... ASAP...

Bill Lumbergh:
...So, if you could do that, that would be great...

Bill Lumbergh:
Hello, Peter. What's happenin'?

Michael Bolton:
Cockgobblers!

Michael Bolton:
There was nothing wrong with it [his name]... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Michael Bolton:
PC LOAD LETTER? What the f*** does that mean?

Michael Bolton:
[Regarding the malfunctioning fax/copy machine] That thing's lucky I'm not armed.

Bob Slydell:
What would ya say... ya do here?

Samir Nagheenanajar:
Yes, I am also not a p*ssy.

Samir Nagheenanajar:
Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there IS no paper jam?!

Lawrence:
[Repeated line] F***in' A!

Lawrence:
No. No, man. Sh*t, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Lawrence:
[When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter, watch your cornhole, bud.

[Peter is now working construction with Lawrence, cleaning up the burned Initech building]

Peter Gibbons:
This isn't so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside...

Lawrence:
F***in' A.

Peter Gibbons:
[Nods]...F***in' A.

Milton Waddams:
[Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines] I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed...

Milton Waddams:
[Talking to Peter on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

Milton Waddams:
I could set the building on fire...

Milton Waddams:
I believe you have my stapler...

Milton Waddams:
[on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter] Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...

Milton Waddams:
And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.

Samir Nagheenanajar:
[first lines, when he is in his car, driving to work and stuck in the traffic jam with Peter and Michael] Mother shitter, son of an ass! You, I just!