One Big Happy

Prudence:
I get it. Mommy. Daddy. Daddy's shower buddy. I need to come up with a better title than that.

Lizzy:
I don't have a crush on her. She's just someone I stare at and I like and when she's not here, it ruins my day.

Kate:
I've had a crush on you for months. You know to be honest, it kind of ruins my day when you're not at the gym.

Lizzy:
Oh, I know how much the days mean to you.

Lizzy:
I'm so happy you wanted to see me after I dorked out so hard in that backless paper gown.

Kate:
You were kind of rocking that thing.

Kate:
Only 238 more days until you're not pregnant or a patient here.

Dr. Levine:
That's a weird way of putting it, Kate. We usually refer to that as due date.

Lizzy:
Just so everyone knows, we're in a league now.

Roy:
Then I want a cool nickname, like Player #1.

Luke:
Did you just read that off the screen?

Roy:
Maybe.

Prudence:
You can compliment on her nice, tight bottom.

[Luke gives her a confused look]

Prudence:
What? I'm married, not dead.

Leisha:
Oh honey, I see you got yourself some nachos. Where is the hot dog I asked you for?

[Roy smiles at Leisha]

Leisha:
And don't say...

Roy:
It's in my pants!

[first lines]

Lizzy:
[entering the kitchen] Good morning, roomies. Thank you for both being fully clothed today. So far.

Prudence:
And thank you for not walking in two minutes ago.

Lizzy:
[in disgust] Ugh, straight people.

Luke:
So, how you feeling, Mommy?

Lizzy:
Pretty good, Daddy.

Luke:
Should we never call each other that again?

Lizzy:
Absolutely not.

Prudence:
Lizzy, I know I've only had a few weeks for it to sink in, but I still can't believe you're going to be having my hubby's baby.

Luke:
And I can't believe someone as hot as you would marry into a situation like this.

Lizzy:
And I can't believe your second date was your wedding. Look at us, we all can't believe things!

Prudence:
[sitting Lizzy down at the table] I've made you a nice English breakfast. I used to fix this all the time for my mum when she was pregnant with my sisters, and they all turned out perfectly healthy... except for Kathy.

Luke:
Prudence made you bangers and mash, which is food, and not a cop show on USA, as I originally thought.

Lizzy:
[Prudence sets the food in front of her] What is this plate? This isn't my plate. Who brought in outside plates?

Luke:
Calm down, Anal Annie.

[pause]

Luke:
Never gonna say that again, either.

Lizzy:
[Prudence's stuff has arrived from England] Wow, this is not... I am not...

[doubling over]

Lizzy:
...handling this well.

Luke:
Relax. I know it looks like a lot of boxes.

Lizzy:
But who's counting? I am! There's thirty-nine! These boxes aren't even labeled. Don't they have Sharpies where you come from in... Candy Land, or Hogwarts?

Prudence:
[about all the boxes her stuff was shipped in] I don't need labels. Look, this one's got all my jumpers and trainers. Oh, this one's got my kitchen bits.

Lizzy:
None of those are real things.

Prudence:
[opening a box] Oh, look! It's my granny's cock!

Lizzy:
[simultaneously with Luke] What?

Luke:
What's that?

[Prudence pulls out a fiberglass rooster]

Lizzy:
[relieved] She meant rooster.

Luke:
Thank god.

Prudence:
This cock has been in my family for over a hundred years. I need to find a special place to stick it.

Lizzy:
[to Luke] Can you please tell her to say "rooster"?

Lizzy:
[about all of Prudence's boxes] So, what are we thinking? Dig right in, be done by lunch, or straight to the dumpster?

Luke:
Hey, remember, she's my wife. And you're the one who insisted that we all live together, 'cause you're a great friend and a great roommate.

Lizzy:
[self-congratulatory] I guess I have been pretty great. I don't know if I would say "hero"...

Luke:
No one did.

Lizzy:
So, I guess I will continue to be awesome and generously open my home to all of your stuff.

Prudence:
Great! Oh, how about I take the big hall closet?

Lizzy:
[behind her, Luke tries to wave Prudence off] How about I shut your mouth?

Prudence:
Sorry. Is that closet special? Is it the one you came out of?

Prudence:
Three years and you still have your ex's things? Lizzy, I knew you were uptight and OCD, and often humorless. I didn't realize you were such an avoider.

Lizzy:
[scoffing] What? I'm... you... No, I am not an avoider. I would just rather talk about a more pressing issue. Like... how about those super volcanoes? One of those mothers goes off, none of this means nothin'!

Luke:
Look, Prudence is right. You've been avoiding this for a long time. I tried to tell you, you sister tried to tell you, every therapist you fired tried to tell you. It's time to let go of Erica's stuff. She broke up with you on your birthday, then hooked up with your Pilates instructor.

Lizzy:
In Erica's defense, she did say she forgot it was my birthday.

Luke:
Lizzy, enough already. Get over her.

Lizzy:
Oh, my god. Thank you. "Get over her." That is the best advice I've heard since my dad told me "Just be straight."

Prudence:
Lizzy, I've been thinking about it, and you need to return Erica's things to her in person.

Luke:
No, no. Baby, you weren't here during the Erica years. Lizzy is strong, but this girl's like her kryptonite; you know, if kryptonite had perky B-cups.

Lizzy:
There's a lot of you on my "path."

Lizzy:
I know I was a tiny bit resistant to deal with the closet.

Luke:
I had to chase you through a quinceanera at the park and you bit me.

Prudence:
Did I tell you about the time I was a hospital puppeteer in Prague?

Lizzy:
He doesn't even know your middle name.

Luke:
I do, It's... Merlizabeth?

Prudence:
You remembered!

Lizzy:
Thank you for meeting me at this very neutral location.

Erica:
This is where we first said we loved each other.

Lizzy:
Dammit!

Prudence:
[looking at Lizzy's neck] Is that a bug bite on your neck?

Luke:
No. It's a hickey!

Luke:
Do you know what the definition of insanity is? I forget, but I'm pretty sure it's what you're doing.

Lizzy:
I've moved on.

Erica:
With who?

Prudence:
With me. [Kisses Lizzy on the lips]

Prudence:
I just moved in. And we are crazy about each other. And we mouth kiss all the time. And it feels right.

Prudence:
[Kisses Lizzy on the lips again]

Lizzy:
This is my new type.

Erica:
Well, then maybe you should know the other night she kissed me.

Prudence:
How dare you? I forgive you.

Prudence:
I'm starting to think you're not a very good lesbian.

Luke:
I love you.

Prudence, Lizzy:
[At the same time] I love you too.

Lizzy:
Excuse me?

Lizzy:
You don't get to paint my accent wall just because you have an accent.

Prudence:
I'm going to get clean up.

Luke:
Don't get too clean. I like you a little dirty.

Lizzy:
Gross.

Lizzy:
Have you seen any movie ever?

Prudence:
It's not like you've never seen a naked woman before.

Lizzy:
I guess I'm used to earning it. Or you horning it.

Luke:
There's more to Prudence than what you see.

Lizzy:
[Prudence walks by naked] Where's she hiding it?

Prudence:
I'm an alien.

Luke:
I knew you were too hot to be human.

Lizzy:
You did not get engaged.

Luke:
We did not get engaged.

Prudence:
[Showing her ring] We got married!

Lizzy:
Luke is the father.

Prudence:
No Lizzy. Darth Vader is the father.

Luke:
She's talking about me, but I love that you know that.

Prudence:
I hope it's not weird, but I kissed her because it's what the crowd wanted.