Orange Is the New Black

Piper Chapman:
The food here is *disgusting*! [everyone at the table shoots her a stern look] [pause] What?

Nicky Nichols:
Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?

Piper Chapman:
[shocked and embarrassed] Oh, sh*t! I'm sorry!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
I want to look *fierce*!

Miss Rosa Cisneros:
[after running Vee over with the prison van] Always so rude, that one.

Alex Vause:
[to Piper] Are you cheating on me and Larry with Crazy Eyes? 'Cuz there is not room for the four of us!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Man, do you know what it means when there ain't nobody up there punishing the evildoers? It means there ain't nobody giving out prizes for the good ones neither; 'Cuz there ain't no judge. There ain't no justice. We just crawl around this earth like ants... [pause] And then we die.

Piper Chapman:
[complaining to Larry about the prison] I have been here for less than two weeks. I've been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened and called Taylor Swift!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
[to Piper before attacking her] I'm an angel of God. I mean, look at my dress!

Cindy Hayes:
[about the kitchen food] Salt! They gave us special trays. Chili-shittin' b*tches!

Poussey Washington:
Man, they're f***ing with us this way 'cuz they know our people's predisposition for hypertension!

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
Man, they're tryin' to kill us!

Janae Watson:
Well, what did ya'll expect? Don't f*** with the cooks!

Lorna Morello:
[to Piper] You saw a chicken? Like a real live chicken in the flesh?

Yoga Jones:
I'm thankful for you girls who remind me every day that self-forgiveness is possible.

Yoga Jones:
[about coping in prison] Work hard to make something as beautiful and meaningful as you can and when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

Poussey Washington:
Nein, motherf***er, nein!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
The second you're perceived as weak, you already are.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power!

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
[to Piper] Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape. But now, it looks like fire in the sky. Why? Because you light a fire inside me!

Larry Bloom:
[to Piper about the prison] This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones and racism.

Pete Harper:
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm Australian!

Natalie Figueroa:
Get some f***in' therapy, man!

Piper Chapman:
[about Red] She's issued a f***ing fatwa on me!

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
No tongue-f***ing in the visitation room!

Poussey Washington:
[about love] It's just chilling, you know? Kickin' it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. And like, not even wanting to go to sleep 'cuz then you might be without 'em for a moment and you don't want that.

Larry Bloom:
Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP, Shiksa, about to go to prison, to marry me?

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
I don't just like you, Piper. I got feelings. Love feelings!

Big Boo:
Ain't no party like a Big Boo party!

Piper Chapman:
I was a TA in college.

Joel Luschek:
Oh, what's that? Like "Tits" and "Ass?" [laughs]

Natalie Figueroa:
[to Taystee about winning the mock job fair] This isn't a contest. You do your best because that's what you're supposed to do. Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies! "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me!" "Give me things!" "Fix the heat!" "Build a gym!" I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up! In acknowledgment of your hard work and success, an award of $10 will be added to your commissary fund. Enjoy.

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
Don't be f***in' with Harry Potter!

Piper Chapman:
I'm scared that I'm not myself and I'm scared that I am!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
I'm missing half my zucchini. These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food not d*ldos. I'm all out of cucumbers, carrots, beets. God knows what they're doing with those. I can't hold on to anything cock-shaped.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
You know what? Pardon my French, but you can eat my sh*t!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
[opening lines in third season] [while driving the prison van] I'd butter your toast. I'd feed her dog. I'd zip his sweater. Mmm! See? It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's "I'd blank your blank"! [chuckles] It all sounds dirty, always.

Debbie Doggett:
[to her case worker at the social security office about young Tiffany] See for yourself she ain't right in the head. Never had all what belongs to her, poor thang. But we take what the Lord gives us... [pause] Anyhow, so's I understand it, supplemental security income benefits for little bessie bugs like mine is $314 a month. Is that right?

Joe Caputo:
See you next Tuesday.

Natalie Figueroa:
Yeah, see you next Tuesday- [pause] I see what you did there!

Leanne Taylor:
Ching Chong Chang!

Chang:
[walks past] F*** you, cracker.

Leanne Taylor:
[laugh] She loves it when I do that!

Big Boo:
[observing Pennsatucky's grave shrine to her aborted babies] It's like a whole little graveyard here.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Yeah, these are all my unborn babies.

Big Boo:
Ooh. [sings] Ooh. She got the Mother's Day blues! [pause] Jesus, you look like the Angel of Death. I get that a lot.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
[about aborting her babies] Yeah, I'm goin' to hell. I know it. I mean, even though I was saved and everything, I just- they never even had a chance, you know?

Big Boo:
Son, you gotta let go of that sh*t.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
It's easy for you to say. I'm guessing you ain't never had to abort nobody.

Big Boo:
A bold assumption. You ever read a book called Freakonomics?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets?

Big Boo:
Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Sounds boring.

Big Boo:
It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Over there in that field.

Big Boo:
You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
The Darkness of '73.

Big Boo:
The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
But they were never born.

Big Boo:
[ignores Pennsatucky] So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate dropped dramatically.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
What's your point?

Big Boo:
Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of sh*t, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of sh*t. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Never thought if it that way.

Lorna Morello:
[to Piper] Do you hear yourself sometimes? Like, when you speak?

Sister Jane Ingalls:
You got furlough, Chapman?

Piper Chapman:
I did.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
I've been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest-to-goodness miracle.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
"Jealosy is as fierce as the grave," Song of Solomon.

Piper Chapman:
Toni Morrison?

Sister Jane Ingalls:
The Bible, sweetie.

[the inmates are in their underwear after a bed bug infestation has rendered their uniforms unwearable. CO Maxwell holds up a blue paper uniform]

Joe Caputo:
Until every uniform in this prison is washed and rewashed, you will be wearing Office Depot's new fall line.

Marisol 'Flaca' Gonzales:
I ain't wearing that f***ing paper sh*t!

Maritza Ramos:
That's my color. I'm wearing it.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
Give you 5%.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
What am I supposed to do with 5%? Burn it for heat?

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
My commissary maxes out at $300. And I got all the toothpaste I need.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
10% final offer.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
I... don't do that sh*t!

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
This sh*t, that sh*t, blue sh*t, bat sh*t! It doesn't matter what you do. It's the doing that makes you dirty.

Nicky Nichols:
You are a disgusting animal. Okay? What the f***? I mean, which is a quality I greatly admire in a person. You're in touch with your primal self.

Alex Vause:
Or I will f*** you. Literally. I will sneak into your bunk in the middle of the night and I'll lick your p*ssy. And I will do it so good and so soft that you're gonna be on the edge of coming by the time you wake up, and then I'll stop. And you'll be half asleep and you'll beg for it. Oh, you will beg for it. And maybe I'll be nice, and maybe I won't, but if I am nice? The things you feel? They will ruin you forever. So, you know, choose.

Polly Harper:
Adventure is just hardship with an inflated sense of self.

Piper Chapman:
You know I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my prison b*tch. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection; that I'm going to do to you what the spring does with cherry trees but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right. Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself that you're something you're not. I mean you could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving, keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak.

Dina:
Back the f*** off me.

Piper Chapman:
I'm like you Dina. I'm weak too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain or is it because I'm some evil f*** monster? I don't know. But I do know that I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself and now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison Dina. It's coming face-to-face with who you really are. because once you're behind these walls there's no where to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here Dina and it's the truth that's going to make you her b*tch.

Piper Chapman:
I want somebody I can have adventures with.

Polly Harper:
Look, adventure is just hardship with an inflated sense of self.

[sitting at the lunch table with Nichols and Morello, who is insinuating that Piper and Alex are having an affair]

Piper Chapman:
No, absolutely not. That's ridiculous.

Nicky Nichols:
Okay, where were you then? 'Cause I went by your cube...

Piper Chapman:
Where was I?

[cut to dark chapel]

[moaning]

Alex Vause:
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm...

Alex Vause:
[whispers] Shh. Show, don't tell.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
Other prisons get to do Shakespeare and sh*t. I wanna play a role. Like Desdemona, or Ophelia, or Clair Huxtable.

Larry Bloom:
I was supposed to go to that.

Larry Bloom:
Really?

Larry Bloom:
Yeah.

Piper Chapman:
You were?

Larry Bloom:
Yeah, but then I sat down. Gravity works very strongly on me. Especially when it's sweltering outside and when Almost Famous is playing for the 400th time.

Piper Chapman:
Yeah.

Larry Bloom:
Plus, I'm plant-sitting, so, you know, if I went anywhere I'd have to take them with me, and I'm not sure if they're all over 21. So...

Big Boo:
Listen, I heard you cured Janae's knee. Is that true?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Yes, yeah. I am just a simple woman, doing the work of the Lord.

Big Boo:
I see. Uh, look that's really... It's incredible. Um... Do you think you could help me?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Well what's hurting?

Big Boo:
My mind, I have unclean thoughts. [whispering] Lesbian content. What do you think? You think you could help?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
You know, you're messin' with me and I don't mess with my Lord that way.

Big Boo:
No no no, I'm not. No no no, I'm not, I swear. I mean since... Look, since I had Little Boo, I found these feelings of mothering deep Inside me. I think someday I might wanna have a kid. But I don't want to do it with another woman, 'cause those kids, they always turn out gay. And being queer, that is really hard life. The cycle of terror ends now, with me. I swear.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
You're serious?

Big Boo:
Mmm-hmm.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
You ready to take on the Lord's grace? Kneel before me. Bring the dog, please. Right here before me we have a sinner, Lord, who's ready to accept you into her heart. Cleanse her heart of sickness and her mind of filth.

Big Boo:
Yeah, I'm still seeing filth.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Concentrate! Dear Lord, I ask you today to help this sinner find a life of family, a life of rightness. We're gonna make her pure and whole and good again. As I lay my hand on this child's head, right here, right now, I ask you Lord, help her. Help her become gay, Lord, no more!

Big Boo:
I don't feel any different. Wait, let me try picturing the 2008 U.S. women's soccer team, that usually works. Okay. Kick it, kick it! Wait. Wait, I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
It worked!

Big Boo:
I don't like this. Change me back! Don't leave me here like this. Don't leave me straight!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett:
Thank you, thank you.

Big Boo:
[shouting] Change me back!

Piper Chapman:
Uh, so what's an Amalekite?

Cindy Hayes:
Amalekite? Oh they real baddies in the Bible, attacking everybody, preying on the weak and sh*t, a war tribe! Ooh, in Samuel, God told Saul to kill 'em all! Uh! Utterly destroy them motherf***ers, that what God say. Even the babies. Even the cows. They so bad they *cows* had to die!

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
Say anything about rats?

Cindy Hayes:
Naw. Uh um.

Piper Chapman:
Okay. This is nuts.

Cindy Hayes:
It is.

Charlie 'Donuts' Coates:
You should try the red velvet. It's new.

Wanda Bell:
Oh, jeez.

Scott O'Neill:
Do I look like an idiot to you?

Charlie 'Donuts' Coates:
No.

Scott O'Neill:
You think you can squeeze an extra dollar out of me because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy, it looks like it's bleeding"? No, in your heart of hearts, you know as well as I do, red velvet is bullshit. It tastes like Play-Doh. It is not velvety. And the only thing that's good about it is the cream cheese frosting which is meant to live on top of carrot cake, like God intended.

Wanda Bell:
Okay, panda, we hear you.

Scott O'Neill:
Red velvet isn't a thing.

Wanda Bell:
Red velvet can go to Hell.

[Red enters the kitchen in silence. Norma sees her, smiles, and tosses her an apron. Red puts on the apron and smiles]

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
I'm back.

[punk rock music plays]

Polly Harper:
What is the matter with you?

Larry Bloom:
So much.

Polly Harper:
You show up at my house like f***ing Squiggy with a hard-on. Maybe next time you decide some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first?

Larry Bloom:
Okay, look, Polly, I'm spiraling out okay? I am. I, I , I... You know, you have this idea of what your life is...

Polly Harper:
No, I can't do this, Larry!

Larry Bloom:
Okay.

Polly Harper:
I'm serious. It's just stupid.

Larry Bloom:
I know.

Larry Bloom:
I mean, yes we were friends before we even started dating Pete and Piper. And yes, you drove me to the hospital when I was in labor and handled all the paperwork and the nurses. And yes, you were te only one there for me when my husband checked out of fatherhood so he could go on a month-long mission of self-exploration, and you're funny, but also boring in all the right ways, and... What the hell am I saying? Just f*** me.

Cal Chapman:
It's not ethical.

Neri Feldman:
We're selling crusty jail panties to perverts.

Cal Chapman:
Yeah, but we have our integrity.

Alex Vause:
And you're not just another shill taking a paycheck from an evil system of oppression, 'cause you're fighting it from the inside with drama class.

Angie Rice:
She has, like, a quiet energy.

Leanne Taylor:
She's a mute.

Angie Rice:
Yeah, that helps with that.

Joel Luschek:
[to Leanne and Angie, after discovering they have found and taken his drugs] You tell anybody about this, and I will f***ing kill you! With murder!

Danny Pearson:
But how can there be, uh... this many Jews in here? I mean, who are the Jews?

Joe Caputo:
I know, confusing, right?

Danny Pearson:
Yeah.

Joe Caputo:
We used to have them wear the Stars of David, but we had to stop doing that after World War II. I don't remember why.

Piper Chapman:
I need your panties.

Yoga Jones:
What?

Piper Chapman:
Well, I will give you the panties, but I need you to wear them. I need your vag sweat. And mybe some, um, colorless discharge. I'm starting a business selling stinky panties to perverts.

Yoga Jones:
That's the miraculous adventure?

Piper Chapman:
It's easy. I give you flavor packets, and you give me something you're, uh, you're already giving away for free.

Big Boo:
And then you get to keep the money.

Piper Chapman:
And you are supporting a local business, keeping jobs right here at home. I'm like American Apparel, with less implied statutory rape.

Yoga Jones:
It's disgusting.

Piper Chapman:
I understand. I too was once embarrassed and squeamish by my personal [pauses] eau de parfum. But then I thought: Why should I be ashamed? Isn't that a part of the self-hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy? And are those same men that would shame me not the same men that would wear my panties on their faces, inhaling deeply? Ladies, now is the time to be bold. For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character. Let them smell daring and courage. Let them smell women who are unabashed and un-self-conscious. And let them say that Litchfield, Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies and have love to spare. Sisters, we may be incarcerated, but our panties will travel the world. And in that way, long after we are gone, our smell, our smell will linger in some gas station in Toronto, in some office cubicle in Tokyo. And in that way, we are known. And in that way, we are remembered. Do you want to be remembered?

Big Boo:
Yeah.

Piper Chapman:
Then sweat profusely, and fart with abandon, and make a reek. Make a reek, my sisters! Make a reek to last one thousand years!

Danny Pearson:
Everything running pretty smoothly so far. Well, except for our Jewish problem.

Co-Worker 1:
Jewish problem?

Danny Pearson:
Probably not the best choice of words.

Tim Walters:
There's a program for kosher meals that we feel is being abused. I have a plan to adress it. Also, I've located a new source for soap.

Co-Worker 2:
Is it the Jews?

Piper Chapman:
I believe in science. I believe in evolution. I believe in Nate Silver and Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Christopher Hitchens. Although I do admit he could be a kind of an a**hole. I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes. I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that, I mean, don't you?... Look I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't . Feeling aren't enough. I need it to be real

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
It's okay, Dandelion. You know why? I used to spend a lot of time thinking how I could make you love me. Like, if I had long pretty hair, or if I made a chocolate cake with frosting, or if I had a green bicycle.

Piper Chapman:
No! You are great the way that you are!

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
I know! Because the answer is, you're not a nice person. You're a mean person. And I used to think you was a yellow dandelion, but psshh... you're all dried up with the puff blown off. And it's not your fault. You are who you are, like I am who I am.

Yoga Jones:
But mostly I was just a good old-fashioned drunk, like my parents raised me to be.

Leanne Taylor:
So, did it taste like chicken?

Tiffany 'Pennsyltucky' Doggett:
It tasted like eagle.

Tiffany 'Pennsyltucky' Doggett:
She a lesbian. They lesbianing together.

Sophia Burset:
I don't understand why she needs to have sex. I mean look at you.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
I'm a nun, I took a vow. She married a man with a penis, I assume because she wanted to use it occasionally.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
You never stay focused on a member of the opposite sex for too long. That's how I watch every Russel Crowe movie.

Brook Soso:
Anyway... I think if you shared a bit more easily, you wouldn't have beat up that girl - y'know?

Brook Soso:
[Miss Rosa and DeMarco look on in disbelief]

Piper Chapman:
[flatly] No, Soso. I don't know. [shouts] No one has a f***ing clue what you are talking about. Ever. [harshly] We are not friends. I am not your safety blanket. I am NOT your new Meadow. And, I *definitely* don't need your advice. [menacingly] I am a lone wolf, Brook. And a vicious one. Don't make me rip your throat out with my teeth.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
And I like clock duty. Watchin' the clock and... smellin' the clock.

[first lines]

Piper Chapman:
[scenes of growing up] I've always loved getting clean. I love baths. I love showers. It's my happy place.

Piper Chapman:
[suddenly in prison] *Was* my happy place.

Piper Chapman:
[about her ring] What are you doing? You can't put that in your pocket, it's going to end up in the bottom of the washing machine.

Larry Bloom:
Okay, um, where would you like me to put it then?

Piper Chapman:
Up your ass.

Larry Bloom:
There's no room, apparently my head's already up there.

Piper Chapman:
Ooh no, what is that?

Larry Bloom:
Piper...

Piper Chapman:
Oh Jesus, Larry, why would you...

Larry Bloom:
Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP, Shiksa, about to go to prison, to marry me?

Piper Chapman:
Yes. And all of the stress eating...

Larry Bloom:
Well, because the peculiar, under achieving, under employed, Jew-boy, loves her. And knows that he will never be bored, and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her.

Lorna Morello:
[to new inmate having just been slapped by an older inmate] A friend of yours?

Dayanara Diaz:
No... it's my mom.

Yoga Jones:
Do you know what a mandala is?

Piper Chapman:
Um, those are those round Buddhist art things.

Yoga Jones:
The Tibetan monks make then out of dark sand laid out into big beautiful designs. And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away.

Piper Chapman:
Wow, that's, that's a lot.

Yoga Jones:
Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when your done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

Yoga Jones:
Don't eat the pudding.

Piper Chapman:
What's the perspective on the pudding?

Yoga Jones:
It comes in cans marked Desert Storm. They have to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it.

[last lines]

Alex Vause:
I guess now would be a bad time to say "Hi", huh?

Alex Vause:
So, in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?

[first lines]

Miss Claudette Pelage:
And now what? You wipe up, but that does not disinfect. How are you going to disinfect?

Piper Chapman:
I don't know, I've never cleaned up another person's pee before.

Miss Claudette Pelage:
The privileged life you've led.

Piper Chapman:
What are you doing?

Nicky Nichols:
[stops drilling a hole in the wall] It's uh, an art piece representing the futility of blue-collar labor in a technological age. And vaginas.

Piper Chapman:
In the morning when I wake up, there are these few seconds before I realize where I am, and then I do realize, and I can't breathe. And I want to cry, and throw sh*t, and kill myself. When does that end?

Nicky Nichols:
I'll let you know.

Miss Claudette Pelage:
Hope is a dangerous thing.

Piper Chapman:
I think I might have gotten Miss Claudette really mad at me.

Nicky Nichols:
You know how some people have imaginary friends? I think you might have imaginary enemies.

Alex Vause:
I don't even know anymore. I used to. I had grand plans. Now, I can't even get past the swirling darkness in my brain long enough to land on anything.

Piper Chapman:
I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now: you.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
You want to assassinate someone, vision is a basic requirement. It's like: step one: pick a person to kill. Step two: kill that person.

Yvonne 'Vee' Parker:
You just tried to strangle me with plastic wrap so you could sell mascara in jail.

Piper Chapman:
I'm not your wife.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
I threw my pie for you.

Natalie Figueroa:
Why would anyone want to give up being a man. It's like winning the lottery and giving the ticket back.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
[Chops zucchini in half with a cleaver] Sorry. Too soon?

Sophia Burset:
A little.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
Yo- how many stamps do you need to send stamps?

Joe Caputo:
You ever see an image that sears itself into your brain? Like that movie about the hiker guy, who cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army Knife? Yeah, the sound... the tendons... F***! I wish I'd never watched that part. [pause] You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[busy munching loudly on snacks, answers with his mouth full] No, sir.

Joe Caputo:
Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass - [Mendez snickers, shakes his head a bit bewildered, but continues munching] - Bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl. [wags his finger angrily at Mendez] A girl that YOU were supposed to PROTECT! And KEEP SAFE! Your ass; it haunts me.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[keeps munching without a beat] Mmm. I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Joe Caputo:
I've been doin' this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But, considering that the D.O.C. didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... [grins slowly]... Until now.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[mouth still half full, mumbles absent-mindedly] Well, I've been doin' my job, sir. Just gave out fifteen shots this morning.

Joe Caputo:
[evenly] You got her pregnant.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[stops munching suddenly, stares] No...

Joe Caputo:
[nods] Mmm. Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed sh*t inside her.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[to himself, in total shock] Whoa...

Joe Caputo:
[smiles broadly] Mendez - you're f***in' fired.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[gets up awkwardly, dusts his hands off on his pants]... I understand, sir.

Joe Caputo:
[chuckles, keeps grinning, as he beats Mendez to the door] No, um... I... I don't think that you DO understand. [opens the door to reveal two U.S. Marshals] You're also under arrest.

Arresting Federal Marshall:
[handcuffs Mendez] We're in.

George 'Pornstache' Mendez:
[says nothing, but glares silently at Mendez]

Joe Caputo:
[still smiling, reaches to unclip Mendez's radio from his belt and shoulder clip] Let me get that for you. [Mendez is led out of his office, as Caputo silently pumps his fist victoriously]

Lorna Morello:
Maybe i'll Pinterest, I hear that's a thing.

Larry Bloom:
Dad, why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse?

Howard Bloom:
It's a nice place, clean. A shvitz is a shvitz [Man moaning, pause] I had a Groupon

Larry Bloom:
Ah, gotcha.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
I went from wearing a habit to wearing a prison uniform. I don't think the fashion industry would be a viable option for me.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
All problems are boring until they're your own.

Pete Harper:
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm Australian.

Aleida Diaz:
You think Barbies grow on trees? You think toilets grow on trees? Huh?

Eva Diaz:
No.

Aleida Diaz:
What grows on trees?

Eva Diaz:
Nothing.

Aleida Diaz:
That's right.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
You-this is all your fault.

Piper Chapman:
huh?

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
You been blabbin' all over about the chicken haven't you?

Piper Chapman:
...not really but even if I did you never told me it was a secret.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
Because I thought you had more common sense... black girls know about chicken, of course they'll chase it.

Piper Chapman:
...why? Cause all black people like chicken?

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
Don't be racist - it's because they're all on heroin.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
All I wanted was to eat the chicken that was smarter than all the other chickens to absorb its power. And to make a nice Kiev.

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
So there I am, topless, sittin' on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site. So I'm sittin' there, barbeque sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the f***? Again?"

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
So there I am, topless, sittin' on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site. So I'm sittin' there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the f***? Again?"

Sophia Burset:
Why did God have to give me that stupid penis?

Sister Jane Ingalls:
I don't know. Any more than I know why he gave men nipples. There are mysteries. And as a Catholic, I enjoy them. The mysteries, that is.

Sophia Burset:
Well, I enjoy the nipples.

Piper Chapman:
[dressed back into an orange jumpsuit, stumbling in too-tight handcuffs and shackles in the snow, and sees an ominous school bus marked "CORRECTIONS" up ahead]... Is that for me?

Felicia:
[about Piper's fight with Pennsatucky]

Felicia:
Knuckled her, eh? [grins] Did you get to feel the bones crack?

Piper Chapman:
[grimaces in shame at the memory]

Piper Chapman:
...Yes, actually.

Lolly:
F*** you, Menopause.

Midwest Inmate:
Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass. There's plains and corn and a sh*t ton of white people who don't vote in their best interest.

Howard Bloom:
You're living on a slippery slope, and you keeping doing rain dances.

US Marshal Anderson:
[Piper is on the airplane toilet urinating] Could you lie, hurry it up a bit?

Piper Chapman:
I'm going as fast as I can.

US Marshal Anderson:
Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light. [Piper grimaces, urinates forcefully] Better.

Piper Chapman:
He's a hit man? Oh I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
Because no matter how hard you try and how much we want it, there's the people who serve the bread, and the people who eat the bread!

Miss Rosa:
Thank God I got cancer. No one f***s with cancer.

Poussey Washington:
[reading Suzanne's erotica] "The Admiral thrust his pork sword into her squish mitten"?

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
Suzanne's erotica. It's worse than Fifty Shades!

Poussey Washington:
Not possible. How many times she use the word "jeez"?

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
Are you good at your job? I don't know. But I know that you've helped me, and I'm grateful to you for it.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
I have a birthmark on my left butt cheek that's shaped like a scarab. Doesn't make me Cleopatra.

Larry Bloom:
Look, um, I really think if I - if I made some changes...

Tim:
Christ, Bloom. No one wants learn how not to come. Coming is the whole goddamn point.

Piper Chapman:
Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing.

Lorna Morello:
Sure, they do. They all want to come to America.

John Bennett:
[to Daya] I'm about to lose my job, and your mom was naked.

Lorna Morello:
[to Norma, who is playing Scrabble with Boo] If you put the "S" on the end of "knife," you can make "slut" going down. Fifteen points ain't bad.

Big Boo:
No cheating!

Lorna Morello:
Oh, I'm just helping her.

Big Boo:
The plural of "knife" is "knives," genius. No such f***ing word as "knifes".

Lorna Morello:
Oh, no? Well, then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? I'll tell you what. He knifes him.

Big Boo:
Well, aren't you the plot spoiler? So, here's a good idea. Why don't you mind your own f***ing business and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding?

[pause]

Big Boo:
Hey! Are you gonna get your dress off of eBay? I sure hope nobody scams you. That'd be f***ing ironic.

Lorna Morello:
Don't you dare!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov:
[scoffing at Piper] I worked with the Russian mafia. We make the Italians look like guppies.

[last lines]

Miss Rosa:
[after running Vee over with the prison van]

Miss Rosa:
Always so rude, that one! [smiles and laughs to herself as she drives off]

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren:
I am not crazy. I am unique.

Joe Caputo:
O'Neill, scatter the nuns!

Yvonne 'Vee' Parker:
Taystee, you break my heart.

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson:
That might be true if you had one.