Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Paul:
[talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing...

Paul:
[from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do.

Paul:
[from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday.

Paul:
[after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the Loch Ness Monster. I don't drink.

Paul:
[headbutts criminal] No one wins with a headbutt.

Paul:
Scuba-doody-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]

Veck:
[sees Leon hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out.

Veck:
It's like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Pahud:
Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what? What's up, man?

Drill Instructor:
Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you are on front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.

Kent:
You see jackass, I don't need the phone. I got all the access codes written on their arms. And once I get rid of you three...

[Kent is suddenly shot in the arm. He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent]

Howard:
I got a newsflash for you: your flight's been canceled!

Brooks:
[looking at his notebook of comebacks] That's better than anything I got!

[Howard looks at Brooks list of lame comebacks to use against Kent]

Howard:
"You and what army?" He has an army!

Veck:
When are you going to give up, Blart?

Paul:
How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!

Paul:
This lemonade is insane!

Vijay:
That's because it's a Margarita, Paul.

Maya:
[reading ad] Okay, next question. "Tell me about yourself."

Paul:
Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.

Mom:
Let me stop you right there.

Leon:
(runs in a room with Amy and Stuart) Hey, yall. There's some crazy ass people trying to take over the mall.

Stuart:
I'm outta here.

Veck:
(to Amy) What do you say?

Amy:
Go to hell.

Veck:
Ouch.

Kent:
Blart! [sees Veck handcuffed] Oh, very impressive; Taking down an assailant without a gun. [pulls out gun] I hope you don't mind if I use one.

Paul Blart:
What? [Veck chuckles] Oh, no.

Kent:
Oh, yeah.

Paul:
I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands, then, huh?

Kent:
Soon as I get my money.

Paul:
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this. [shows cell phone]

Maya:
Just give it to him, Dad.

Paul:
[to Maya] Oh, I will. [to Veck] SUCK ON THAT!!! [smashes cell phone]

Kent:
Okay. [talking to police radio] Situation update.

Police Radio:
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

Kent:
[to police radio] Great. Nobody talks to 'em, but me.

Police Radio:
Yes, sir.

Kent:
[to Paul Blart] You see, jackass, I don't need the phone. 'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arms. Now, if I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses. And since everybody thinks this was a bank rob-- [gun gets shot of his hand] OW! [He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent]

Howard:
I got a newsflash for ya. Your flight's been cancelled.

Brooks:
[looking at his notebook of comebacks] That's better than anything I got.

Veck:
Hey, Blart? I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're going to give up.

Paul:
How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "ne" and "ver". Yeah. You heard me. [in a growling voice mimicking Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove] NEVER!

Maya:
[happily] All right, Dad.

[Paul arrives in Victoria's Secret]

Fat lady:
I found it first.

Thin lady:
No, you didn't.

Paul:
Ladies? Problem. What's the genesis?

Thin lady:
She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.

Victoria's Secret cashier:
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.

Fat lady:
[to the cashier] Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.

Thin lady:
[condescendingly] Really? Is he blind?

[In frustration, the fat lady throws a soda on the ground. The thin lady and the cashier are disgusted]

Paul:
[startled] Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks. Not my first rodeo. Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

Fat lady:
No, you don't.

Paul:
[sternly] Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.

Fat lady:
So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.

Victoria's Secret cashier:
[siding with the fat lady] That's true. She could.

Paul:
Hey, not talking to you. Okay? [to the fat lady] Can I... uh... see you for a second, please, ma'am? [steps aside. The two ladies exchange looks. Paul signals for the fat lady to come to him. The fat lady obeys and approaches him] Look, I understand your sensitivity. I've had some issues with weight myself.

Fat lady:
[taking it the wrong way] Are you calling me fat?

Paul:
Oh, no! No, no, no, no. I'm just saying I've been down that road. I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? But as soon as I started eating healthier, I noticed I wasn't so moody. And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.

[The fat lady pulls off her earrings and offers them to Paul]

Fat lady:
Can you hold onto these?

Paul:
[his hand out] Sure.

[The fat lady hands her earrings to Paul before abruptly and brutally slugging him in the face, making him stumble into some nearby bra racks. The fat lady grabs Paul and throws him into some more racks, shattering them. The cashier, the thin lady, and Veck are appalled. As Paul gets up, the lady attacks him]

Paul:
She's got tremendous upper body strength. BACKUP! BACKUP! She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck. BACKUP! [pushes the lady off of him. She bumps the cashier counter] BACKUP!! BACKUP!!! [the fat lady lunges at Paul and punches him in the chest one last time, knocking him to the ground]

Paul:
[after drinking Margarita, thinking it is lemonade] That lemonade is insane.

Vijay:
Yeah, Paul. That's because it's a Margarita.

Paul:
No. I-I-I don't drink.

Paul:
{to a villain] Hey You, Scuba-dooby-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]