Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

[on the subject of decoding Nostradamus' writings]

John Hogue:
Quatrain 97 of century vol 6 reads, "At 45 degrees latitude, the sky will burn. Fire approaches the great city." At latitude 45 degrees the only new city since Nostradamus' time that you could call great and new and vast is the city that rests between 40 degrees and 41 degrees degree latitude, which is Manhattan and New York. Now... That's a little off.

James Randi:
He's way off in Canada some place.

Penn Jillette:
[on the subject of talking to the dead] One of the weird things Houdini discovered is that some of these mediums actually slip into believing their own bullshit. They forget their own misses, or as John Edward, THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE, does, rewrite them as hits that we're just not able to recognize. Cold reading can be done accidently. That doesn't mean the psychic is a better person. Lying to themselves does not make lying to others ok. It can make intellectually lazy scumbags more convincing and dangerous. But even if these f***s know they're just making sh*t up and pushing people's buttons, they tell themselves, "At least I'm comforting the bereaved." WHO THE F*** ARE THEY TO DECIDE THAT LYING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE AND A DEAD LOVED ONE IS WHAT THE BEREAVED NEEDS? That's condescending BULLSHIT!

Penn Jillette:
[after seeing a man holding a Small book known to AA members as "The Big Book"] IF THAT'S A BIG BOOK, HE MUST BE A F***IN' GIANT! RUN!

Penn Jillette:
[on the subject of bottled water] Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles. How about Everest Water? Could our piddly show possibly afford to send a camera crew to Nepal? NOT NECESSARY! Everest comes from the industrial section of Corpus Cristi, Texas! In fact if you read the fine print on the F***ING LABEL, they even admit that the water comes from a MUNICIPAL SOURCE! THAT IS TAP WATER, BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE CULT OF THE BOTTLE!

Penn Jillette:
[Penn explains why there is so much vulgarity on the show] You'll notice more obscentity than we usually use. That's not just because it's on Showtime, and we want to get some attention. It's also a legal matter. If one calls people liars and quacks, one can be sued and lose a lot of one's money. But "motherf***ers" and "a**holes" is pretty safe. If we said it was all scams, we could also be in trouble. But BULLSHIT, oddly, is safe.So forgive all the bullshit language. We're trying to talk about the truth without spending the rest of our lives in court because of litigious motherf***ers!

Penn Jillette:
Sure, we lie, cheat, and swindle. We've been known to deal in a bit of bullshit ourselves. So some of you may ask, "Why pee on someone else's parade?" One important difference: WE TELL YOU WE'RE LYING!

[repeated line from "Bible:
Fact or Fiction" episode]

Penn Jillette:
Elvis didn't do no drugs!

Teller:
[after Penn puts a branding iron to Teller's butt] OHHHHHHH MOTHER F***ER!

Penn Jillette:
Hey cool Dave! He can talk!

Penn Jillette:
On one side there are people with relationships, and miserable. On the other side there are people out of relationships, and miserable. What's the deal? Don't they know that love is a roller coaster? You sit, you hold hands, you scream, then you get off and ride again!

Penn Jillette:
[on the subject of 3 minute speed dating] It's hard to sell yourself in 3 minutes. These guys aren't professional talkers. What this task needs is CARNIE TRASH, who can turn the tip with some hurry up! Now Teller could never do it himself, but he got himself a talker a long time ago. He doesn't even need to speak anymore. I do all his talking for him. I've had a little practice. I'll give you a Teller pitch in less THAN HALF the allotted time, & leave a little time for long loving looks in her eyes

Penn Jillette:
Howdy ma'am! Let me introduce you to Teller, of Penn and Teller. Perhaps you've seen him on SNL, Letterman, Leno, or his own mega hit, Bullshit, on Showtime. His show Penn and Teller Live at the beautiful Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, NV. Are you going to settle to settle down? I don't think you should ma'am. You need to shoot for the top. Teller's smart, funny, successful, quiet. Born in Center City, Philly. Right near the museum. He was born near culture, he lives culture, loves culture, and just plain loves. He loves his parents, and why wouldn't he? Joe and Irene, real artists. Teller has the fine arts in his genes and the jingle in his blue jeans from the show he wrote, directed, produced and stars in called "Penn and Teller." He added my name to the title just out of kindness. He's that kind of loving guy. Teller's show has toured the world many times over and done two smash Broadway runs in New York City. But now, Penn and Teller at the Rio All-Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, NV. Imagine the fun of having all your friends call now for tickets. Teller's a little bit taller than the average five foot nine inch male. He's quite a snappy dresser. You know the lining of his jacket matches the color of his socks, & that's damn metrosexual, if you ask me. He loves all sports, all hobbies, all activities, and he can cook. You'll want to stay around for the morning after the first date to have butternut pancakes and his homemade turkey apple sausage for breakfast. Yum yum yum. Make your life with the star of Penn and Teller at the fabulous Rio All-suites Hotel and Casino in fabulous Las Vegas, NV where he is the fabulous heir apparent to Elvis. Only better because he can do magic and he won't be found fat and dead surrounded, by his own vomit. His name is easy to say, easy to spell. Teller. Act now and as a special offer, the first one hundred respondents, you'll get me!

Penn Jillette:
now tell us all about you!

Penn Jillette:
Sure, we're smug, self-righteous, pompous and self-important a**holes, but damn it, we're right!

Penn Jillette:
[Penn's introduction to someone that doesn't agree with Penn & Teller's views on the show's subject] And then there's *this* a**hole...

Penn Jillette:
Life coaches are like hookers, which is good, except you're renting their ears instead of their genital and you never get to come!

[in the introduction of each episode]

Penn Jillette:
I'm Penn and this is my partner, Teller.

Penn Jillette:
There's no evidence that these people had any unusual experiences. They're just like all the rest of us with dreams and fantasies. We all need a little attention. That shrink is a scumbag b*tch taking money from lonely, sad people in exchange for bullshit, but the abductees are just people who pathologically need a little attention like... well, like us. You want to stop all this alien bullshit? Just pay attention to the people around you. Say hi. Humans are desperate for human contact. Let's not make our fellow travelers spend sixty bucks an hour to some pig-dog to be the center of attention. People shouldn't have to convince themselves they have a reptilian lover in outer space to get a few minutes of your time. P & T are siding with the creeps. We always have. We love them. We are them. There are enough earthly reasons to be interested in each other. The bullshit just gets in the way.

Penn Jillette:
So, a man can take off his shirt anywhere, but a woman has no constitutionally protected right to bare her breasts-- except a protest that's its illegal to bare her breasts? How f***ing whack is that? That's as if we were only allowed to hold a protest sign to protest that it was illegal to hold a protest sign. So, let's make new constitutional amendment. When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the clothing which covers their tits--so be it. We hold these tits to be self-evident. They are part of life, liberty, and most of all, the pursuit of happiness! That's the 44th amendment. 44-double-D, for short.

Poet:
Doc Sew thinks he's a great doc, as he tirelessly works round the clock. He preaches it's hip and takes only a snip as he lops off the end of your cock.

Penn Jillette:
The Government couldn't even f***ing cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a f***ing cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this sh*t. If they couldn't cover that up, they f***ing can't do anything.

[Penn & Teller in a set-like atmosphere, playing out the alleged filming of the Moon landing]

Penn Jillette:
CUT! Jesus f***ing Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your f***ing lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even f***ing cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a f***ing cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this sh*t. If they couldn't cover that up, they f***ing can't do anything.

[Penn & Teller are lampooning the "production" of the fake Moon landing, with Penn as the director]

Penn Jillette:
CUT! Jesus f***ing Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your f***ing lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even f***ing cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a f***ing cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this sh*t. If they couldn't cover that up, they f***ing can't do anything.

Penn Jillette:
[narrating] According to a recent poll, 49.3% percent of people in New York believe that our leaders knew the 9/11 attacks were being planned, and they intentionally failed to act. And lots of people believe we didn't even land on the moon. And that JFK wasn't killed by this guy [stock footage of Lee Harvey Oswald] but by [photo of Lyndon Baines Johnson] this guy. Or even [photograph of Alan Hale Jr. as The Skipper on Gilligan's Island] this guy. Are 49.3% of us just f***ing crazy?

[on a book advocating September 11th conspiracy theories]

Penn Jillette:
We're showing you the cover, because if you ever see anybody carrying it, push them down a flight of stairs.

Penn Jillette:
Why is anyone fighting food advance? A very small percentage of the world's population is fortunate enough to have the luxury of turning down food. The rest of the world spends most of its time trying to get any food. You know why? Technological problems. They've got dirt. They've got water. They've got sun. They lack the technical ability to till or enrich the soil. They lack the machines to plant enough to feed their families. They lack the hybrid plants that produce more food per acre. We need to spread all the technology all we can so all people everywhere can deal with the problem of too much food. We can't start getting picky because we've got enough food. That's just self-centered, and racist. Unless you and yours are starving, you need to shut the f*** up!

Penn Jillette:
We need to spread all the technology all we can, so all people everywhere can deal with the problem of "too much food". We can't start getting picky because we've got enough food. That's just self-centered and racist. Unless you and yours are starving, YOU need to SHUT THE F*** UP!

Penn Jillette:
As we gather more data, we advance our ideas and our theories. Okay, the environmental movement has gone from global cooling to global warming, but [shouting] they must remember that we're still gathering information! We're not sure yet!

H2O Petitioner:
Can I get you guys to sign a petition? [When asked, "For what?" she replies:] For banning dihydrogen monoxide. [the signer says, "Oh yeah, I'll sign that."] Thank you very much!

Penn Jillette:
And our petition woman was getting signatures right and left. Oh, okay, mostly left; but man, there's a lot of people against that evil water.

H2O Petitioner:
It's everywhere, and we really just need to ban it.

Penn Jillette:
These passionate, informed people didn't even need to ask what dihydrogen monoxide is. They didn't... even... ask.

Teller:
[possessed] Your mother sucks c*cks in Hell! [followed by spitting another load of water]

Penn Jillette:
See, that's why we never let Teller talk. Demons, exorcism and Teller speaking are all...

Penn Jillette, Teller:
Bullshit!

Penn Jillette:
I wouldn't marry any salad bar... Unless it had pudding.

Penn Jillette:
Only 3.8% of violent offenders in prison are women. *Guns* don't kill people and *women* don't kill people... it's simple. Men kill people.

Penn Jillette:
Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil, and the enemy of my enemy is not my friend.

Penn Jillette:
[while juggling pins and Teller next to him does tricks with cards] When I was a kid, I took up juggling and thought I was at the bottom of the entertainment ladder. There was no *art* to it, I just practiced. Later I met Teller and realized I wasn't at the bottom of the ladder because magicians are... just faking it. Then we met hypnotists... and realized there was a group even worse off than we were. They can't do anything or even *fake* anything! Audience members just entertain each other. It's no wonder even an *honest* hypnotist needs to bullsh*t himself a little.

[first lines]

Penn Jillette:
Good morning. My name is President Taft and this is my brother-in-law Lee Harvey Oswald. This is the 35th season of our Oscar-winning radio series 'Prune farming in the Ukraine'.

Penn Jillette:
We're gonna think twice about calling him an A**HOLE, and then, we WILL...

Penn Jillette:
Cunnilingus is derived from the Latin word for the female pudenda 'cunnus' - c*nt - and 'lingere', which means 'to lick'. Thus cunnilingus: the oral stimulation of the vulva.

[naked People start to lick a Volvo]

Penn Jillette:
I said *vulva*!

Penn Jillette:
Shows like this? What shows like this? Is HBO running a show like horse sh*t or crock of sh*t? What other sh*t shows are out there? We rule sh*t.

Ted Nugent:
Hey, Ingrid! BLOW ME!

Penn Jillette:
[yelling] I LOVE YOU DOG!

Penn Jillette:
It takes more energy to recycle a plastic bottle than to make a new one.

Penn Jillette:
So, so far we're feeling good for no reason. And that's fine too. But if you want to feel good while being stupid and wasting your time, maybe *heroin* is for you.

Penn Jillette:
You don't heal a broken heart by pretending it's not broken.

Penn Jillette:
You'll notice more obscenity than we usually use. That's not just because it's on Showtime and we want to get some attention. It's also a legal matter. If one calls people liars and quacks, one can be sued and lose a lot of one's money. But "motherf***ers" and "a**holes" is pretty safe. If we said it was all scams we could also be in trouble but "bullshit!", oddly, is safe. So forgive all the "bullshit" language. We're trying to talk about the truth without spending the rest of our lives in court because of litigious motherf***ers.

[First lines, Penn Jillette sitting by a gravestone marked "Harry Houdini, 1874 - 1926"]

Penn Jillette:
Harry, can you believe it? The same bullshit you so thoroughly debunked almost a century ago is continuing - and even enjoying a resurgence. See? Anyone can talk to the dead. Getting an answer... that's the hard part.

Penn Jillette:
The characters and events depicted in the damn bible are fictitious. Any similarity to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Penn Jillette:
Take some time and put the Bible on your summer reading list. Try and stick with it cover to cover. Not because it teaches history, we've shown you it doesn't. Read it because you'll see for yourself what the Bible is all about, it sure isn't great literature. If it were published as fiction, no reviewer would give it a passing grade. There are some vivid scenes and some quotable phrases, but there's no plot, no structure, there's a tremendous amount of filler and the characters are... painfully one-dimensional. Whatever you do, *don't* read the Bible for a moral code. It advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition and murder. Read it because we need more atheists, and nothing will get you there faster than reading the damn Bible.

Penn Jillette:
We dig eating off the Beaver.