Phelous & the Movies

Princess:
Don't you care if we're alright, Toad?

Toad:
Well... yeah, but... my present.

Phelous:
WOW. Not even all the Christmas ghosts in all the 200 adaptations of A Christmas Carol combined could help you Toad, you miserable mushroom of hate!

Phelous:
More Christmas spirit arrives on the scene when Mario decides he sure does love being a lazy sack of sh*t and torturing his brother with a bad back, so he dictates to Luigi to pick up an ice block and launch it at King Koopa. [as Koopa] You morons thought that'd actually work especially after taking that long? [as Mario] Guess who's gotta do it again, Luigi? [as Luigi] Ohh.

Toad:
Well, it IS Christmas. Um, you okay, Princess?

Phelous:
Insincere concern is worse than showing no concern at all.

Toad:
This can't be happening. We'll never have Christmas again. I'll never get another present.

Phelous:
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN F***ING FROZEN, TOAD! [as Toad] Exactly, and those people who died could've made me presents. Not fair.

Mario:
I should've known Koopa Klaus would send his Flurries to fight us.

Phelous:
Yeah, him sending the enemies from the ice level was kinda obvious, but I don't know how you'd actually plan for them. Besides maybe a portable heater.

Santa:
I'd like to give all of you a special present: how about coming with me to deliver the presents?

Phelous:
Wow, we get to help you do your job after having us save you?

Princess:
Look, the spirit of Christmas giving is touching everything.

Mario:
And it melts Koopa's ice.

Phelous:
[barfs violently;recovers;barfs again] Yay, now there's a bunch of water damaged toys... and dead people. Turns out being thawed doesn't bring you back to life.

Yoshi:
[trying to push Mario through window bars] Santa need to go on diet.

Mario:
Santa is NOT going on a diet.

Phelous:
I'll see all the cave people die before I give up my extra cheese pizzas, Yoshi.

Phelous:
So here's the plot of this one: all these stupid cave-shitters are a**holes, so Mario decides he'll shove his holiday on them to make them shut the fat up.

Mario:
Ah, Cave Christmas Eve. Just like back home in Brooklyn, huh, Luigi?

Luigi:
Eh, not exactly. [They go back inside]

Phelous:
[waits for a punchline] Well, I guess that's enough on that. Though I guess that does make sense as I believe Brooklyn has yet to celebrate "Cave Christmas."

Mario:
[showing off his Santa beard and hat] So, what do you think?

Luigi:
Eh, don't try wearing it in Brooklyn.

Phelous:
'Cause they'd beat the sh*t out of you for such a shitty Santa costume.

Phelous:
And that's the two Super Mario Christmas episodes. I can't really hate either one of these, except for the Super Mario World one.

Phelous:
Well luckily Santa's belly full of jelly saved Bowser and the brothers have another chance to save him... and failed again.

Luigi:
That could be thin ice.

Toad:
If it'll hold Koopa and Santa, it must be a hundred feet thick.

Phelous:
Oh real classy, Toad. A fat joke. [recalling what he'd said earlier] Well luckily Santa's belly full of jelly saved Bowser and the brothers have another chance to save him. [back to the present] Yeah, well... Toad's an ass!

Toad:
What's Christmas without presents?

Phelous:
Oh yeah, just let Santa die if Toad's not going to get any more presents. I mean, what's it f***ing matter then? Toad, you need to upgrade your appearance to show who you really are. [slaps a Hitler mustache on him; cuts to a clip of Toad talking in a German-dubbed version of the Super Mario 3 cartoon] I apologize to my German viewers. You shouldn't have to have Toad either.

Phelous:
King Koopa, you are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in cheap wrapping paper, you self-loathing bastard!

Oogtar:
Dino-bunga!

Phelous:
Dino... BUNGA? [to Michaelangelo figurine] Look what you did!

King Koopa:
I'm off to the North Pole to drop those bombs on Santa's workshop.

Phelous:
Though I have to say I do love your plan: just blow Santa the f*** up. [bombs drop; as Santa] Ho Ho Holy sh*t!

Phelous:
But they realize Bowser stole the toys, along with the mustache for Mario's beard, so Mario shoves a blue shell down Yoshi's throat and makes him fly his ass over to World 8.

Phelous:
Oh, you hooked up a sleigh to Yoshi, huh Mario? Real f***ing cute. Couldn't just ride him this time 'cause its Christmas. Better make him haul extra weight. And you know, I can buy a dinosaur eating a blue shell or wings in order to grow some himself, but it still has to obey the laws of physics. That sleigh should be dangling off him. Suspension of disbelief... sustained, whatever.

Caleb:
We'll work out arrangements later.

Phelous:
Arrangements? You mean like charging the cricket rent? I didn't know we could do that. Hey, black fly, fifty bucks or you're out.

Edward:
[singing] I've kissed your smiles away.

Phelous:
"I've kissed your smiles away"? Um, Edward, I don't think that's a good thing.

Phelous:
Now here's the part that was pretty much a must for any '60s film: the trip-out scene for the parents. Maybe the kids too, I dunno.

Phelous:
No, Max Reebo, you stay away from that pink elephant.

Phelous:
[about the messenger] Who cares, man? Worry about yourself. You clearly died a month ago.

Cricket Crocket:
'Ello, 'ello, who you callin' a bug? I am an insect, I am.

Phelous:
Definition of 'bug': "a small insect." Idiot.

Phelous:
[about Caleb's brown wig on top of gray hair] What the garbage is that sh*t? It looks like sh*t. Literally. Did someone sh*t on Caleb's head?

Phelous:
Cricket Crocket gives no f***s. He'll stand there smiling while your life falls apart.

Cricket Crocket:
The shock of that awful message, delivered the way it was, turned poor Bertha blind.

Phelous:
[flatly] And that's why it's good luck to have a cricket on the hearth. Oh, and she never got to paint the eyes [of the doll she was painting] Get it?

Phelous:
Anyway, this made Caleb lose all joy in his work, but he went into overdrive on it so he could find the best doctors for his daughter - nah, just kidding. He stopped work completely, but did pay men to come in and shake their heads in unison until he ran out.

Tackleton:
Well, you won't be paid anything, but you can live on the premises, and there will be leftover food for you.

Phelous:
So crickets are good luck, huh? Well... more like they're... BAD luck. Yeah, I said it. But seriously, it really has been all down hill since they brought that damn cricket in.

Phelous:
Well, Cricket Crocket finally does try to be at least a little useful and points out a toy factory Caleb could work at. The keyword being WORK. Y'know, that thing he could've done before this and he would've had enough money to keep his own shop running.

Caleb:
[singing] Always gay...

Phelous:
Oh stop being so homophobic, Caleb.

Phelous:
Yeah, continuity error! Take that, you stupid 1967 cartoon. You suck!

Phelous:
Poor Cricket on the Hearth. Let's see why no one likes you anymore.

Cricket Crocket:
Oh but it's a lucky household what has a cricket on their hearth. And indeed I am good luck. For if it hadn't been for Cricket Crocket here, why there wouldn't be no blinkin' family.

Phelous:
[singing] Ego on the Hearth.

Phelous:
Y'know, I only really trust toys that are made by crickets. [holds up bootleg Ninja Turtles knock-off figure] I hear that's a good idea.

Danny Thomas:
[singing] One Christmas morning...

Phelous:
No! For the love of f***, please just play the cartoon.

Tackleton:
Paint costs money!

Phelous:
You know what else costs money? People not buying your unpainted piles of crap.

Tackleton:
It was a cricket made a fool of me.

Phelous:
If you ever hear yourself mutter those words, it's time to seriously reevaluate your life.

Cricket Crocket:
What will my family do without their lucky cricket on the hearth?

Phelous:
They don't have a hearth anymore because of your "luck". I think they'll be fine.

Phelous:
Wow, I'm gonna go catch crickets and be rich. Screw finishing this video. [cut to a test pattern graphic that says "Phelous & the Movies is bugging out!"; after a few seconds, Phelous is back] Ha ha, fifty cents, suckers. Only took me two days.

Phelous:
Welcome back to the Christmas special sponsored by bug spray.

Phelous:
No need to feel sorry for Bertha. If you ever did, she was clearly always a demon. Though she made terrible misuse of her powers by just having stupid stuff happen like herself and Edward riding giant pies. It was the '60s. You know.

Edward:
The most wonderful man in the world asked her to be his wife. Those were her very words.

Cricket Crocket:
Oh, you-you-you-you-you nincompoop! Paying any attention to the words of a gushing female.

Phelous:
Cricket Crocket, the Sexist Cricket!

Tackleton:
I want that cricket eliminated.

Phelous:
Squash it then, dude. It's not that hard.

Phelous:
Jackass who puts hits out on crickets versus ex-fiancee' who still let's you think they're dead because you're blind. Yeah, just pick someone else, Bertha.

Phelous:
And that very night they get married via disgusting-vision by the Pope himself, apparently. And wait, who the hell is standing for them? They don't have any friends... besides a bug, who they apparently didn't even invite.

Phelous:
[about Tackleton's "reform"] Wait, did we seriously just throw in a mini Ebeneezer Scrooge plot? DICKENS! There was absolutely no arc for this. The guy is an attempted murderer: he put a hit out on a cricket, which I guess is like a person in this universe. His bird he sent to put out the hit is dead and he doesn't even give a sh*t. But all he needed was: [in goofy voice] Hey, don't feel bad you just lost your wife. You should like Christmas. OH-KAY!

Phelous:
So Merry Christmas and Happy Holidayweenie, everyone. And remember, there's nothing luckier than a bug infestation by your fireplace.

Phelous:
In the Name of the King 2 is a project lead Dolph Lundgren was very excited to be a part of, which is why he immediately turned the role down. Then he needed money shortly after and he said, "aw, f*** it."

Future Phelous:
Remember, you have to go back in time at the end of this video, or else none of this will ever happen. [disappears]

Phelous:
Note to self: don't go back in time.

The King:
I was once known as Raven.

Phelous:
So his real name completely disappeared when he became the king, or did he literally change his name to first name The, last name King? Seems like someone is overcompensating for something. My guess is that dollar store crown.

Phelous:
Sugar Bear says yeah, sure he's up for the job of killing Granny Good Witch, but he wants to work alone because he doesn't know the land or what he's actually up against.

Phelous:
And talk about modern day medicine apparently gets Medieval Rayne in the mood, so they have some fully-clothed, scarf sex because Lundgren insists on never taking it off.

Phelous:
The whole point of this is just to show that Burger King does alchemy so that it doesn't completely come out of nowhere when it becomes a plot point that he's an alchemist.

Phelous:
And just when he's ready to take his fully-clothed bath, he gets attacked by hoodies and is saved by Miss Opening Scene.

Phelous:
Sugar Crisp equals not funny!

Phelous:
You know, this is always where I try to imagine the climactic battle of a medieva tale taking place: in a rinky-dink kitchen. What's the matter, guys, the bathroom too classy for ya?

Phelous:
And then Dolph decides he's gotta go back to the past and rule his kingdom... naw, just kidding, he decides he's gotta get drunk.

The King:
Our previous king, a commoner who rose to the throne, was a great man.

Phelous:
Fortunately he's dead, because Jason Statham sure as sh*t wasn't comin' back.

Phelous:
And oh, Ralph Oancitizen, nice to have a cameo from you.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Ralph Oancitizen? No, no, just, no.

Phelous:
But that's what your IMDb page said your name was.

Ralph Oancitizen:
Right, and IMDb always has everything 100% correct, right? Enjoying your $5,000 budget, Phelous?

Phelous:
No, everyone else on the site has a pretend higher budget than me!

Obscurus Lupa:
[her budget being $10,000] Ha ha!

Ralph Oancitizen:
Previously on Phelous... Is that really what the show's called? Whatever. Anyway, previously on Phelous...

Phelous D1:
Now that I'm back, I have big plans for you, Phelous. Ha ha ha.

Phelous:
Welcome back. [shoots Phelous D1]

Phelous D1:
I can't believe you just came up and shot me.

Phelous:
Uh huh, well there's no point in dragging this out.

Phelous D1:
But I had so many things planned, like I was gonna send you into another dimension that turned your show into a romantic comedy review show.

Phelous:
Why are you alive?

Phelous D1:
I'm not alive, you killed me! [dies]

Chaos D1:
What is this sh*t, The Brady Bunch? Cameos! Don't! Work! That! Way!

Phelous:
Bye, Kyle Citizen.

Ralph Oancitizen:
That's not how my name goes either!

Phelous:
Sometimes bulldozers come to life and that's just the way it is, however, what they choose to make of their newfound life is what truly defines them. Some choose to save people's lives, becoming what we know as a Lifedozer. However, some do not have this temprement and instead choose to death by becoming a Killdozer.

Phelous:
Killdozer is a killer bulldozer. It doesn't kill bulls, though.

Phelous:
Well apparently what he really meant was that he was going to have a game of chicken with Killdozer. Um, I'm sorry to say, Dutch, but I'm pretty sure the bulldozer isn't scared of your jeep. [Killdozer advances on Dutch, and the jeep won't start] Alright, well, jump out. Um, you can jump out. You're really not stuck to the jeep there, bud. You can jump. It's not worth your life. Jump out of the damn jeep. [Dutch is predictably flattened] Wow. Wow! Give that guy an award for one of the dumbest deaths ever. Hell, he had enough time to jump even when he was making his resigning to death face. Maybe he thought he was the captain of the jeep and needed to go down with it, or maybe he was dumb as f***, I guess we'll never know, except we will, he was dumb as f***.

Phelous:
Yeah, I always trusted cranes more than those bulldozers.

Phelous:
This is Warburton construction. They're making an airstrip on a Pacific island during World War II. Heard that off IMDb, which is 100% correct, just like I always am.

Phelous:
I can't tell if that's supposed to be the soundtrack or if that's the noise a bulldozer makes when it's possessed by a blue light. But either way, it's a sound, that's for sure.

Phelous:
But first, let us all bask in the warm glowy glowness of construction work. Wait, does that glow?

Phelous:
Aw, Killdozer's just so damn cute.

Phelous:
[as Dad] Actually, can we get a second opinion? [as Old Man] Your daughter got all wet from the snow. She's completely useless now. [as Dad] Alright, we'll go with the magical Christmas diagnosis.

Emery Elizabeth:
What's his name?

Landon:
His name is uh, uh, uh, Snowden.

Phelous:
He, uh, might have to flee the country soon.

Emery Elizabeth:
Electra. That starts with an E, just like Emery Elizabeth.

Phelous:
Save it for Sesame Street, sis.

Phelous:
In Storyland, Snowden works for Electra's Smiles of the Third Reich and teaches Em to use her mind to overcome her wheelchair and turn it into a train, which is all she has to do in real life too. [as the doctor] If she turns her wheelchair into a train by Christmas, I think she'll be alright.

Phelous:
[about Princess Electra's smile] That is creepy as sh*t.

Phelous:
[Emery Elizabeth awkwardly moves back and forth in time to the singing] Well, I'm not sure if this nightmare fuel is working for Em here, or she's just got hemorrhoids. Well, looks like someone didn't believe in their butt enough.

Landon:
When everyone was asleep, he crept passed the palace guards and stormed into Princess Electra's bedroom.

Phelous:
Oh sh*t, I don't think I'm gonna like how he makes her lose her smile.

Landon:
Charlatan took the smile right off the sleeping princess's face and locked it tight into a little black box.

Phelous:
Oh, he LITERALLY stole her smile. Shouldn't she have no mouth then, and she must scream?

Snowden:
Quick, smile, both of you. [Em and Landon look at each other] I said smile! [the kids grin]

Phelous:
[puts on a forced grin and laughs nervously; whispers] Call the police.

Snowden:
Oh, it's worse than I thought.

Phelous:
Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

Snowden:
[to Emery Elizabeth] If you stopped feeling sorry for yourself for a minute, you'd figure out exactly what to do.

Phelous:
Did... did he really just say that? Y'know, Snowden, there's a bit of a difference between a motivational speech and just being a prick.

Snowden:
Princess Electra's magical kingdom is the only place left where The Charlatan's yucky Yuck hasn't taken over.

Phelous:
I'm watching something where they just used the term "yucky yuck."

[sighs]

Phelous:
Where did my life go wrong?

Landon:
We've got to get Princess Electra's smile back!

Phelous:
I beg to differ.

Emery Elizabeth:
There's a time for questions, Landon, and there's a time for action.

Phelous:
I suppose, if that action is getting a flamethrower to make sure that demon beast snowman that broke into your house last night is actually dead.

Landon:
Sleep and dream, dream and sleep, rest your eyes, your worries will keep.

Phelous:
What, is he trying to hypnotize her now?

Landon:
[joined by Snowden's voice] So sleep and dream, dream and sleep, not a word now, not a peep.

Phelous:
Oh, he's just summoning a demon. Well, that's okay then. [chuckles in disbelief] What the f*** am I watching?

Phelous:
Well, that movie's depressed me so much that I think I'm dying. Oh well, I'll just have a nice cup of holiday yuck to speed it along. [takes a drink] Actually, y'know what? That's not too bad. I think I'm gonna be alright.

Phelous:
[reading from a personalized Christmas story] "The little boy looked surprised. 'My name is Phelan Porteous,' he said." Seriously? HE'S in this? Good thing Landon didn't Emery this story. I can't stand that guy.

Landon:
If you eat a bowl of oatmeal, I'll tell you all about where Snowden comes from, and how he saved Princess Electra and her kingdom.

Emery Elizabeth:
Tell me.

Landon:
All it will take from you is eating a little oatmeal.

Phelous:
So she's malnourished, her parents are doing NOTHING, and the best the doctor's got is, "Lol. Hope she tries."

Snowden:
I was hoping to spare you this.

Phelous:
No, you weren't. You ran in and woke them up to tell them about it, you snow ass.

Landon:
[even though the beds' texture clearly looks like waffles] Are those beds made of marshmallows?

Phelous:
What... does that LOOK like marshmallow?

Snowden:
Yes, they are.

Phelous:
[Phelous stares, dumbfounded, and shrugs] I have never before seen waffles confused with marshmallows, but there you go. What a magic gift. Thanks, Snowman.

Landon:
One day, Emery Elizabeth and Landon were visiting Princess Electra's magical kingdom.

Emery Elizabeth:
You and me?

Phelous:
Oh yeah, didn't I tell you this was going to be a self-insertion fanfic? Though you're still in a wheelchair 'cause you just didn't want it bad enough.

Phelous:
Time for a crap song as we're shown around this magical land where freaks wave their knives at you. Truly a place we all want to be.

Emery Elizabeth:
Who is this Charlatan guy?

Landon:
Tune in tomorrow.

Emery Elizabeth:
What?

Phelous:
[as Landon] Looks like you're gonna have to not die tonight if you want to hear the rest of the story. Ha ha ha, I'm so clever. [as himself] When all medicine fails, don't finish a snowman story. You might just save a life.

Phelous:
I know you're not aspiring to be much here, Magic Gift of the Snowman, but here's an idea: have a point.

Landon:
Just turn your wheelchair into a car or something.

Emery Elizabeth:
I can't.

Snowden:
Just as I thought, her fear is interfering with her magic.

Phelous:
[as Snowden] We'll have to give her 50 ccs of Yum so that she shits out her Yuck and can refill her magic meter.

Emery Elizabeth:
If ice cubes float, maybe, just maybe, you'll float too.

Pennywise:
[insert from It] They all... float, down here.

Snowden:
That's it? That's your idea.

Landon:
It's a brilliant idea.

Snowden:
Brilliant? I think not.

Phelous:
So Snowden had put the burden of coming up with a plan on Em, seemingly to try and at least boost her self-esteem, but when she actually does, he calls it stupid. Wow.

Phelous:
Yep, that just happened. We just saw someone burned alive in a magical snowman movie. Guess those are just some of the magical hell-fires of Christmas.

Phelous:
What the holiday hell was THAT?

Snowden:
Princess Electra's smile is the secret to her power. No one is able to deny her anything once they have seen it.

Phelous:
Well, that's some pretty horrible implications. What the hell's the matter with you, Magic Gift of the Snowman? [as Snowden] Here's my gift: having your free will surrendered to my smiling tyrant overlord.

Phelous:
What the garbage is this sh*t?

Phelous:
Here's a list of the characters on the bus that I actually find likeable: [silence]

Phelous:
I'd give real money if they'd shut up.

Phelous:
So now with the coach disappearing with a scream and worried they might be under some kind of an attack, they do the sensible thing and drive on the rim. No, wait, they don't do that. This actually being one of the stupidest things in this film: their utter refusal to drive on the flat. It'd ruin the rim and be a bumpy ride, but you know, they'd be alive!

Phelous:
Assistant's doorway standing naturally earns him a one-way ticket to Dumbassville via the Jeepster.

Phelous:
Oh no, I've been locked in my apartment with a poisonous gas filtering in. What am I gonna do? [prepares to smash the window with a block of wood, then stops] No, I don't really wanna break my window. [gags and dies; flashforward] Ooh, did I just die in that little segment?

Obscurus Lupa:
Nope, sure didn't. Derp-dee-doo.

Phelous:
You know, they could have just had Creepers-Weepers rip the engine out or something. If you want them stuck there, actually make them stuck there!

Phelous:
Well I guess it's that time to mention that Jeepers Creepers 1 and 2 were written and directed by Victor Salva, a convicted pedophile. No, I don't have a joke for that.

Sheriff:
Are you close to anything?

Student:
Yeah, I'm close to peeing my f***ing pants, man!

Phelous:
Yeah, what will help them get to you sooner is a lack of information.

Phelous:
That's it, I'm getting a Ninja star that's more environmentally sound.

Phelous:
[thunderclap] Oh no, Phelous D1!

Phelous D1:
I'm still a cat.

Phelous:
Oh. Well, from now on, you're gonna be an out-door cat.

Phelous:
[as the fisherman; singing] I hooked the sherrif!/But I did not hook the de...

[Deputy gets killed]

Phelous:
Oh, sh*t. Nevermind.

Phelous:
[after the killer is revealed to be a zombie-like person] Oh, it was a zombie fisherman. [pause] A zombie fisherman. [pause; starting to get frustrated] A zombie fisherman... A zombie fisherman? A zombie fisherman? A ZOMBIE FISHERMAN?

Obscurus Lupa:
Colin Baker!

Obscurus Lupa:
Why is everybody in love with me?

Phelous:
Return Of The Boogeyman seems to be yet another movie that Lomell was super-impressed with, as he went uncredited for his co-direction and writing.

Phelous:
[after showing a brief clip from the start of Return of the Boogeyman] One: nice music. Two: were we supposed to see her start to turn back around from running there? Three: amazingly generic title card. Four: you're somehow doing a worse job of setting this one up than Boogeyman 2!

Phelous:
Second-billed is Suzanna Love. You know, Lacey from the first two movies. She does not even briefly cameo in this movie. She gets second billing due to the use of stock footage! Oh yes, we're doing 'that' again!

Phelous:
Oh and this is the big twist on showing us The Boogeyman footage: this time they narrate over pretty much all of it, and that really keeps it fresh this third or fourth time.

Phelous:
Natalie? Did you just say "Natalie"? Yeah, Lacey's only been the main character of both the other two movies, and her actress gets second-billing on this one since you reused so much of the first movie's footage, I see how you'd forget her name!

Phelous:
[commenting about a flashback scene] We know how this scene goes, and listening to someone narrate it really doesn't make it any more exciting to see for the seventeenth time.

Phelous:
That quick-cutting every time there's a drip is really annoying to watch, stop it! The editing on this scene is just atrocious, it goes back to the drip cuts, it takes forever just to show us that somebody throws a radio in the bathtub with her! Okay, they've done it. They've made me more interested in her recapping The Boogeyman than her "seeing" anything else new!

Phelous:
And does her constant sleeping have any relevance to anything? Haha! No.

Phelous:
Someone else unlocking a door means that Stockinghead can't even teleport now. Stockinghead is really now just some guy with a stocking on his head who kills random people. At least before, the evil mirror shard had to shine on them, but now there's nothing.

Phelous:
The body is gone, did cowboy just throw it in the garbage? And my god, man! Trim your eyebrows!

Phelous:
Sorry to keep bringing this up, but how do you screw up the main character's name like this?

Phelous:
Oh look, it's another flashback within a flashback of a scene already flashed back to. Never get tired of that!

Phelous:
After an exciting scene of cutting onions, it's time for more stock footage, as Annie goes back to bed so she can dream of Lacey's brother being a murderer, intercut with Willie being tied to the bed, and stabbing Stockinghead, and trying to imply that Stockinghead is killing the girl on the bed, I think.

Phelous:
The pointlessness can hardly stop there!

Phelous:
Oh, we're giving a name to a previously unnamed character from The Boogeyman, but still couldn't get Lacey's name correct?

Phelous:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure this was her therapist's idea to have her lay topless on a mirror for better psychic reception.

Phelous:
Was it really too much for someone on the crew of Return Of The Boogeyman to watch The Boogeyman at least once?

Phelous:
Wow. Just wow.

Phelous:
Uh huh, that makes no sense whatsoever what you've done in this movie.

Phelous:
Oh, well I'm glad that wasn't overly predictable or anything. What a movie.

Scoop the Snowman:
Now you didn't think Rudolph's story ended that foggy Christmas Eve, did you?

Phelous:
Well, I kinda hoped.

Phelous:
How are there misfit toys here again anyway? Santa fixed this mess he made last year by finally giving these oddball toys a home, but apparently, he didn't learn his lesson and just started exiling these sentient toys to an island again. F***in' ol St. Prick.

Scoop the Snowman:
The whole world was up in arms.

Phelous:
Yes, of all the disasters on this planet, nothing has really hit such global significance as a few children having their super generic toys stolen.

Rudolph:
I'd give anything for a normal nose.

Phelous:
Ah, you gotta love when character progression is actually... character regression.

Piggy Bank:
I'm all empty inside.

Phelous:
Well it was nice of them to include how they felt while writing this.

King Moonracer:
Oh, the pain.

Phelous:
I heard that Island of Misfit Toys song. That was awful.

Phelous:
[about the Island of Misfit Toys song] What a great song. I was kinda lost on which island they might have gone to in Rudolph and the ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS, but thank f*** they made sure to beat it into my head.

Santa:
Can't be too careful with this "Toy Taker" on the loose.

Phelous:
Of course if I actually wanted my toys to be secure, I probably shouldn't have had that skylight installed which automatically opens from the outside.

Gingerbread Man:
Halt! Who goes there? You're not toys.

Phelous:
Look who's talking, gingerbread arsehole. Well, he agrees to take them across the River Styx, leading to my favorite Rudolph movie: Rudolph Goes to Hell, which in turn sets up for the classic Rudolph vs. Frosty. Whoever wins, we'll forget. Ya gotta love that jerky animation for the cookie here. It looks like every movement this guy makes is pure torture.

Phelous:
So Rudolph's red nose has saved him again, and what lesson has he learned? That he should get rid of it, of course.

Rudolph:
You can give me a normal nose?

Phelous:
Sure, why not trust the crazy hippo who performs mad experiments in her underground bunker who has threatened to kill you twice already?

Hermey:
[about to use a cartoonishly large drill on King Moonracer's tooth] This won't hurt a bit.

Phelous:
You didn't give him anything to numb the pain there, Hermey. That's gonna hurt A LOT.

Phelous:
I don't like creepy pedo snowman.

Phelous:
[about a glaring continuity error involving Hermey and the Head Elf] It was hard for them to keep continuity, because who even had time to watch the original special before they rushed out this sequel?

Clarice:
I'm so ordinary and you're so famous.

Phelous:
Rudolph's only a B-list Christmas celeb.

The Toy Taker:
Welcome to your new home.

Rocking Horse:
What was wrong with our old homes?

The Toy Taker:
They were infested... with children.

Phelous:
Alright. I'm beginning to see the Toy Taker's point here.

Phelous:
[as The Angry Video Game Nerd] Shattered Memories? More like shattered a**hole! I'd rather play a different game than play this game! [as Nostalgia Critic] Hello, Silent Hill shattered my memories! I don't remember it so you don't have to! [as Cinema Snob] In my expert opinion, Silent Hill: Shattered Memories is a game... that came out on the Wii... in December 2009. [as Irate Gamer] Silent Hill: Shattered Memories is the perfect predecessor to the first Silent Hill game.

Boy:
When Santa comes on TV, do I get to tell him what I want? Do I?

Phelous:
Yeah 'cause he can really hear you through the TV, you f***ing idiot! [realizes the irony of what he said and does a facepalm]

Santa:
It is with mixed feelings that I come before you today to announce my retirement.

Phelous:
Finally. Holy sh*t, you got stale a long time ago, bud. Well, can't wait for Santa Reel.

Phelous:
Oh yay, stupid choking chicken and ass driller, the two incompetent lackies, are here too. But, seriously, why the f*** did this thing have an ass?

Scratch:
No mothers allowed on Santa's lap.

Phelous:
I thought he was Robotnik Claus.

Scratch:
Children only in this part of the store.

Phelous:
Wait, wait, wait, why wouldn't Robotnik want mothers on his lap? Did he do this just to get children on his lap? Why would he...?

Dr. Robotnik:
You're a fine little boy.

Phelous:
[in slow-mo] Robotnik, NOOOOOO!

Dr. Robotnik:
And what do you plan to give Robotnik Claus for Christmas?

Boy:
Give YOU? [punches him in the stomach]

Phelous:
Well you weren't getting anything with that attitude anyway, brat.

Boy:
Put me down for nothing.

Dr. Robotnik:
Oh helper elf Grounder!

Grounder:
Yes, your merry yuletideship?

Phelous:
[as Robotnik] Kill this insolent child.

Sonic:
You got it, Sal. Don't say another word.

Phelous:
'Cause she doesn't talk in this! [pauses; off-screen coughing is heard] Shut up.

Dr. Robotnik:
I want more chimneys. More! Enough so every citizen in Robotropolis can come down one on Christmas night and bring me huge bags of presents.

Phelous:
And everyone's just gonna go do that, right? Given the level of intelligence we've seen from everyone thus far, yeah, it'll definitely work.

Phelous:
Also, side note about the title, this was originally going to be called An X-Tremely Sonic Christmas to make everyone want to go out and buy Sonic X-Treme, only that game was already so massively popular it was canceled before it was released, so instead they called it A Sonic 3 and Knuckles Christmas.

Tails:
Watch it!

Phelous:
Wait, what was that?

Tails:
Watch it! [sounds like "oh sh*t!"]

Phelous:
Wow, I can't believe there was swearing in a Sonic cartoon.

Sonic:
[inserted clip] That's no good.

Phelous:
And the first one to tell me he actually said "watch it" goes on the naughty list.

Phelous:
Sonic rescues Santa and back at his workshop, we see he keeps a tower full of... [the tower has H-O to the third power written on it] Hydrogen trioxide. Uh... it's the chief element in present making! Or it's just some unstable element. I don't know. [in deep voice] Or maybe it's just a joke for ho ho ho. [in normal voice] What the f*** ever. Nah, it's a water tower full of prostitutes.

Santa:
First, you must climb Ice Pick Peak.

Sonic:
No problem. [runs up to the mountain top with no problem]

Phelous:
Impossible challenges?

Santa:
Your second challenge is to snowboard down Calamity Cliffs.

Phelous:
Hmm, I do believe they meant filling in the rest of the run time challenges.

Phelous:
Boy, I sure do hope the ring is impressed with this snowboarding so Sonic gets ultimate velocity. Ah, yes, the ancient snowboarding challenge is my favorite ANCIENT challenge from the 1960s, when snowboarding was invented.

Phelous:
Wait, did the ring challenge say you could change this into a hang-gliding challenge, and then a bike challenge? I'm highly suspicious of this challenge.

Dr. Robotnik:
[Robotnik is taking over for Santa, who is retiring] It is with humble heart that I gladly accept this well-deserved honor.

Phelous:
[imitating citizens] Oh man, I guess this means we have to let this known criminal into our houses 'cause we're f***ing idiots.

Phelous:
What is this, some kind of moronic children's cartoon?

Phelous:
So Sonic's doing some last minute shopping and we all know what that means... [inserts song from We Wish You A Turtle Christmas]

Turtles:
[singing] Gotta get a gift/Gotta get a gift/Gotta get a gift/Gotta get a gift/Gotta get a gift for...

Phelous:
Sally.

Phelous:
[as Sonic] Hey, good thing I grabbed onto this tree branch for no reason so that bird could bring up my ring, huh Tails? [as Tails] I don't know, Sonic. That felt kinda contrived. [as Sonic] Shut up, Tails. Or should I say Miles Prower... [as himself] Miles Per Hour. Hey, I just got that. Ha ha.

Dr. Robotnik:
Happiness is always so much more enjoyable when it's based on the misery of millions.

Phelous:
And that's really a lesson we can all stand to learn. Thank you, Robotnik. You saved Christmas. And here comes Sonic to ruin it. [Sonic rushes through and takes back the presents Robotnik stole; as Robotnik] I was happy for once in my pathetic life. [sobs; gunshot rings out]

Santa:
I'm impressed. Really impressed. In fact, I think the Robot Santa was right. It is time for me to retire.

Phelous:
Well, you're finally talking sense, Santa. You're still being depressing as f***, but you're talking sense at least.

Santa:
And turn my job over to you. [puts his hat on Sonic's head]

Tails:
Wow! Now you're Sonic Claus.

Sonic:
Sonic Claus?

Phelous:
Now you might be waiting for the turn-around here, but it's not coming. And I'm really not joking either. This special ends with Sonic having taken over Santa Claus.

Phelous:
Sum up: uh, yep, this was a silly Sonic Christmas special. If that's what you want to see, get it. If not, well then...

Sonic:
That's NO good.

Phelous:
You might think just because there's time for more videos before Christmas that I still have a chance to save it. Well... you'd be wrong. Christmas is destroyed. Forever. [sobs]

Brad:
Pointless Brad cameo!