Pinocchio

Geppetto:
Pinocchio, I have been thinking. Maybe it is time for you to go to school.

Pinocchio:
Really, Father? Really?

[As Pinocchio runs while trying to catch up with the other kids, Honest John trips him over with his cane]

Honest John:
Uh-oh. Oh, God! Oh, my, my! How clumsy of me. I am terribly sorry. I do hope you're not injured.

Pinocchio:
Injured?

Honest John:
Damaged, broken, irreparably splintered beyond repair.

Pinocchio:
I'm not broken.

Honest John:
[sighs in relief] Thank heavens. You must be constructed of pretty sturdy oak.

Pinocchio:
I'm pine. That's why I'm called…

Honest John:
Yes, pine. Well, we can't all be constructed of quality lumber. [laughs] Well, well. Quite the scholar, I see. A man of letters. I presume you're on your way to lecture at the science academy?

Pinocchio:
No. I'm going to school so I can learn a bunch of stuff to be a real boy and make my father proud.

Honest John:
A real boy? Why on earth would you want to be real when you can be…famous?

Pinocchio:
Famous?

Honest John:
Yes, famous. I'm speaking of the theater. Bright lights. Music. Applause. Fame!

Pinocchio:
Fame? But I want to be real. [starts to skip away, but Honest John holds him back with his cane]

Honest John:
Yes, yes, my boy. But did you know, many people say that you're not actually real until everybody knows about you? Why, to be famous is to be real. Until then, you're just a nobody. Do you want to be a nobody? No! Nobody wants to be a nobody. Everybody who's anybody wants to be a somebody.

Pinocchio:
But my father said I should go to school.

Honest John:
Of course he did. All parents say that. But he doesn't recognize your genius. Who needs an education when one has such a personality, such a profile, such a physique?

Jiminy:
Hold up here, Pinoke. Boy, they ought to do something about the loose gravel on this road. One of these days, a heavy wagon is gonna fling one of these rocks and hurt somebody. What in Sam Hill do we pay taxes for?

Pinocchio:
What are taxes?

Jiminy:
Nothing you need to worry about, especially now that you're not gonna be famous. But here's what you do need to know about school: One, pay attention. Two, obey the rules. And three, do whatever the teacher tells you to do. Got it?

Pinocchio:
Got it. [Jiminy hops off his shoulder] Aren't you coming with me?

[Behind him nearby, Honest John and Gideon hide in a bush]

Jiminy:
Uh, no, Pinoke. Most schools don't take kindly to insects. They lump me in with wasps, cockroaches and termites. I'll be waiting for you when school lets out. Get you home by the stroke of 3:17.

Pinocchio:
Okay, Jiminy.

[As Pinocchio rushes over to the building, a rock flies and Jiminy ducks to avoid it from hitting him]

Jiminy:
Whoa! [to the viewers] See what I mean?

[Behind him, Honest John yanks Gideon out of wooden debris and into the bush with his cane. The Headmaster rings the bell for the children to get inside. As Pinocchio hops up the stairs, he waves at the Headmaster and heads inside, followed by the Headmaster himself]

Jiminy:
[to the viewers] He's a good kid, right? And here's the good news: It seems Pinocchio is serious about becoming brave, truthful and unselfish, and he listened to his conscience. I bet you were thinking I dropped the ball, but old Jiminy picked up the fumble and it's smooth sailing from here.

[The door opens as the Headmaster holds Pinocchio]

Headmaster:
Out! Get out! [kicks him out while all the other children laugh at him] Get out, and stay out! School is for real children, not ridiculous puppets. Puppets belong in a puppet show. Get in. Come on. [heads back inside, shutting the door behind him]

Jiminy:
[stunned] Well, I'll be. [goes to walk over to him, but Honest John traps him in a jar, as he approaches Pinocchio, except Gideon, who looks at him with a taunting grin before following his partner] Hey! What's the big idea?! Get me outta here! Lemme out!

Honest John:
This is an outrage! An atrocity!

Pinocchio:
I don't think that teacher likes me.

Honest John:
Oh, who cares what he thinks? His pedagogy is completely outdated. Is his curriculum child-led? Brain-based for a growth mindset? I think not. [slaps Gideon's face] He makes no room for different learning styles.

Pinocchio:
He said I didn't belong. All the kids laughed at me.

Honest John:
Of course they did. Puppets make people laugh. Oh, you poor, poor misunderstood boy. Don't you see? You don't fit in a traditional educational environment. You are misunderstood, just like every great actor who ever walked the earth. School is for ordinary, humdrum, common, boring, silly little children! Not brilliant artists like yourself. It's fame you want. Fame and fortune.

Pinocchio:
But my father…

Hones John:
Wanted you to go to school and you did. You went to school. You gave it the old college try. And what did the wise and learned schoolmaster say?

Pinocchio:
He said I belong in a puppet show.

Honest John:
[gasps] Alas, a puppet show. I rest my case. [holds his hand out to Pinocchio, who reaches out for it and shakes it anyway] Now we're talking!

Jiminy:
No!

Honest John:
To Stromboli's! Fame awaits!

Stromboli:
[shouting in Italian, then in English] What this nonsense?! Nobody in my show performs for free! Now pack! We leave in an hour! And you… Ooh, ooh, ooh. My little Pinocchio. I was scared to death you got lost or stolen. And we wouldn't want that now, would we? In an hour we go! [cut to him throwing Pinocchio and shuts him in a bird cage] There. [locks up the cage with a key] This will be your home. Where I can find you… Always.

Pinocchio:
Oh, no. No, no!

Stromboli:
Yes, yes. To me you are belong.

Pinocchio:
Let me go! Let me out of here! Help! Father!

Stromboli:
Father? No parent wants a bizzaria like you.

Pinocchio:
No, no!

Stromboli:
Parents want a real kid.

Pinocchio:
Jiminy. Father. Help! Help! Oh, no. Help! [whimpering] Please.

Stromboli:
[puts the key on a hook next to the door; speaking in Italian; in English] My little wooden gold mine. [laughs maliciously and closes the door behind him, locking it]

[Pinocchio sits on his knees, sobbing helplessly]

Coachman:
Your conscience is the last thing you want to take to Pleasure Island.

Pinocchio:
Pleasure Island? Is that where you're going?

Lampwick:
You bet your sweet patootie that's where we're going. It's the greatest joy joint in the world. No cops, no parents, no rules. You can tear the place apart and nobody says a word.

[Pinocchio and Lampwick are hanging out in a pool hall on Pleasure Island, alone together]

Lampwick:
Now we're talking. Am I great or what?

Pinocchio:
It's awfully quiet. Where do you suppose all the kids went, Lampy?

Lampwick:
They're around here somewhere. What do you care? They're all losers anyway. Four in the corner. Oh! Look at that. Another perfect shot, if I do say so myself.

Lampwick:
Hey, Slats, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. How come you didn't bust any of them cuckoo clocks? Any real kid would love to smash those clocks.

Pinocchio:
It just didn't feel right.

Lampwick:
[laughs] Listen to Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. Well, I guess you ain't transformed into a complete jerk yet. [chuckles]

Pinocchio:
I don't want to be a jerk. I want to be a real boy.

Lampwick:
[scoffs] The way you're going, you might make it to half a real boy. It looks to me like you still got a conscience inside of you.

[Jiminy chirps into the billiard hall]

Pinocchio:
I wish I still did had a conscience.

Jiminy:
Pinocchio!

Pinocchio:
I still say it's not right to yell right as somebody's about to make a shot.

Lampwick:
Get over it. Everybody's knows psyching out your opponent is a great strategy. You gotta do what you gotta do to win.

Pinocchio:
You're wrong, Lampy. I still call what you did cheating.

Lampwick:
Come on. To hear you talk, you'd think something terrible was gonna happen to us. [suddenly sprouts some donkey ears; Pinocchio gasps and pushes his root beer away] Conscience, right. [sprouts a donkey tail] What a crock.

Pinocchio:
Uh, Lampy, you might want to check your…

Lampwick:
What do I look like to you? [turns and faces him, now with a donkey head] A jackass? [brays]

Pinocchio:
[gasps; laughs] You sure are… [brays as he covers his mouth]

Lampwick:
Hey, you sound just like a donkey… [brays] Did that come out of me?

Pinocchio:
[horrified] Uh-huh.

Lampwick:
[looks at his reflection in the mirror, seeing he's half-human and half-donkey, breathes heavily, then whimpers, finally realizing, and screams in horror; brays] Help! Somebody help me! I've been double-crossed! I've been played! [rushes over to Pinocchio and grabs him; desperately] Help me, please! Anybody! Anybody, please! Just call anybody! Help me, please! [let goes of him as his hands start turning into hooves] MAMA! MAMA!

[Pinocchio backs up against the wall and watches in horror as Lampwick is fully turned into a donkey from his shadow]

Pinocchio:
Somebody's dropped a barrel of salt in this water.

Jiminy:
You're in the sea, Pinoke. Seawater is salty. Now swim. Swing those arms!

Pinocchio:
Like this? [stars swinging his arms to paddle]

Jiminy:
Attaboy, Pinoke! Now you're cooking. Let's get out of here. We don't want to bump into Monstro.

Pinocchio:
Who's Monstro?

Jiminy:
A sea monster. He sleeps on top of the water. So big he looks like an island. Land ho!

[As Pinocchio and Jiminy return home during sunrise, they look through the window to see that Geppetto isn't home]

Jiminy:
All of his clocks are gone.

Pinocchio:
What do you think happened to him?

Sofia:
[squawking and appearing in sight] He sailed out to sea.

Pinocchio and Jiminy:
He sailed out to sea?

Sofia:
That's right. Sailed out to sea. Am I not speaking clearly?

Jiminy:
Sofia, how?

Sofia:
How do you think? In a boat. He needed to get to Pleasure Island to look for Pinocchio. So he sold all of his clocks and he bought a boat. Those clocks meant everything to him. It's his life's work.

Pinocchio:
Gee. He sold his clocks to find me?

Sofia:
That's right, kiddo. You mean more to him than his beloved clocks.

Jiminy:
More than anything.

Pinocchio:
[determined] Let's go!

Sabina:
[gasp] Pinocchio! [chuckling]

Pinocchio:
Sabina? I'm so glad it's you!

Sabina:
[gasp] Look. [chuckling] You've got new ears!

Pinocchio:
Uh yeah, and a new tail.

Sabina:
Pinocchio, we, the members of the New Marionette Family Theater, have a very important proposition.

Pinocchio:
You started your own puppet show?

Sabina:
We sure did. Last night, the Carabinieri arrested Stromboli and put him jail.

[Quickly, the scene shows last night when Stromboli got arrested and is thrown in his cell]

Pinocchio:
Wow. The New Marionette Family Theater! I like it.

Sabina:
But there's more, we would be honored if you want me and your show.

Pinocchio:
Really? You want me in your show?

Fabiana:
Yep, donkey ears and all.

Sabina:
And we want you to be the headliner.

Pinocchio:
Really? I can't think of anything more wonderful. But... Uh... I have to stay and find my father.

[His donkey ears and tail suddenly disappear]

Sabina:
Pinocchio, something tells me the decision you made is the right one.

Jiminy:
It sure is, Pinoke. I'm proud of you, kiddo. And look! Your donkey ears are gone!

Pinocchio:
Yeah! My donkey ears are gone!

Sabina:
And your tail!

Pinocchio:
They're both gone!

Sabina:
Well, we've got to get going. Perhaps I'll see you next year when we come back to put on a show in Siena?

Pinocchio:
I hope so.

Sabina:
Until next year. And, Pinocchio, please give my best to your father.

Fabiana:
And mine, too.

Fabiana and Sabina:
When you find him.

Pinocchio:
I sure will.

Jiminy:
Holy moly! I almost forgot. Sofia said Geppetto left about two hours ago, headed south. She agreed to airlift us so we can search for...

Sofia:
Hold on one gosh-darn minute. Let's get something straight here, Mr. Cricket. I said I'd airlift you, not him. I can't carry a heavy block of wood. No offense, kid.

Jiminy:
Well, what are we gonna do?

Pinocchio:
I have an idea.

Pinocchio:
Father, I'm sorry I didn't come home after I got kicked out of school.

Geppetto:
You got kicked out of school?

Pinocchio:
Yes, for being a puppet. So I joined the puppet show and became famous.

Geppetto:
You became famous?

Pinocchio:
Well, almost famous. I danced in a puppet show and made lots of money. But then I got kidnapped and was locked in a bird cage, so I had to tell a bunch of fibs to Jiminy so my nose would grow so I could escape. But then I got scooped up by a coach full of foolish kids, and was taken to Pleasure Island, where I learned to drink… Uh, I forget what they called it. But anyway, Pleasure Island was bad because I grew donkey ears and a tail, and was chased by the vapor creatures who wanted to sell me to the salt mines, but Jiminy helped me and we jumped off a cliff into the sea and swam to shore, where we found out you sold all your clocks to buy a boat so you could look for me. And now we're here!

Geppetto:
You did all that in one day?

Pinocchio:
Yes.

Geppetto:
My goodness. I haven't done a fraction of that in my whole life.

Pinocchio:
I'm sorry, Father. I apologize for all the trouble I caused. (But yeah.)

Geppetto:
Oh, no, Pinocchio, my boy. All is forgiven. I'm just so happy to see you safe and sound. Now we can go home again and we'll be all together! We'll be one big happy…

[Just as Geppetto is about to say "family", Monstro, a massive sea monster with sharp teeth, emerges from the ocean and swallows them]

Sofia:
[fleeing away] Monstro! It's Monstro! IT'S MONSTRO!

Jiminy:
[floats all the way down to Monstro's mouth as he goes to sleep] Well, I'll be. He's asleep. Wake up! My friend's in there! Open up, you big blubber mouth!

Geppetto:
Pinocchio, I'm so happy to see you. Oh. So happy to see my boy.

Pinocchio:
Figaro, you're here, too. And Cleo.

Geppetto:
Yes, yes, we're all together again. Isn't it wonderful? Although, yeah, it is a bit strange to be inside the belly of a whale. But we will make do. It is a bit humid, though, isn't it?

Pinocchio:
Father, I see your boat still floats.

Geppetto:
Yes, yes. That is a good little boat.

Pinocchio:
As soon as Monstro opens his mouth, we can sail out of here.

Geppetto:
Well, I don't know about that, Pinocchio. I mean, look at all this junk. It looks to me like everything comes in, but nothing goes out, except the other way, presumably, but that is not a good option.

Pinocchio:
[jumps on some dust, making Figaro sneeze; gets an idea] Father, what's inside that lantern?

Geppetto:
Ironically, whale oil.

Pinocchio:
That's right, and I have an idea!

Pinocchio:
[dives into the water and brings Geppetto up to the surface and on the broken half of the boat] Figaro, Cleo, I've got Father!

Jiminy:
[floating down] Pinoke!

Pinocchio:
Jiminy, thank goodness! I thought you were a goner.

Jiminy:
Look! He sneezed us back toward land! [he and Pinocchio see Monstro emerging from the ocean, angrily chasing towards them] HERE HE COMES!

Pinocchio:
[spots a cave in a cliff far in the distance] Everybody, hold on!

Pinocchio:
Hello, Pops!

Pinocchio:
It's me, Pinocchio!

Pinocchio:
[repeated line] Father…

Pinocchio:
Jiminy, guess what? I don't need to go to school. I'm gonna be famous instead. And that'll make Father proud.

Pinocchio:
Oh, no, that's Mr. Honest John. He's my agent.

Pinocchio:
I've met some really nice people, Jiminy. They helped me and they didn't even have to.

Pinocchio:
Something tells me my father might not be too happy if he knew I was here.

Pinocchio:
I still say it's not right to yell right as somebody's about to make a shot.

Pinocchio:
[seeing his reflection with donkey ears and tail] Oh, no! What's happening?! What do I do?!

Pinocchio:
I'm sorry I didn't come home after I got kicked out of school.

Jiminy Cricket:
[first lines to the viewers while floating down] Isn't that a catchy little tune? Well, how do? Cricket is the name. Jiminy Cricket, to be precise. And I'm here to tell you one humdinger of a tale. It's a story that begins a long time ago. Actually, it's a story that begins once upon a time, a long time ago.

Jiminy Cricket:
Pinocchio is running around loose without a conscience. Can you imagine the trouble he's gonna get into?

Jiminy Cricket:
Boy, they ought to do something about the loose gravel on this road. One of these days, a heavy wagon is gonna fling one of these rocks and hurt somebody. What in Sam Hill do we pay taxes for?

Jiminy Cricket:
Most schools don't take kindly to insects. They lump me in with wasps, cockroaches and termites.

Jiminy Cricket:
He's a good kid, right? And here's the good news: It seems Pinocchio is serious about becoming brave, truthful and unselfish. And he listened to his conscience. I bet you were thinking I dropped the ball, but old Jiminy picked up the fumble, and it's smooth sailing from here.

Jiminy Cricket:
[as he watches Pinocchio being kicked out of school] Well, I'll be.

Jiminy Cricket:
What's with all the donkeys? Oh, brother. It's like I've dropped into H-E-double hockey sticks.

Jiminy Cricket:
Faster, Pinoke, faster! Spin those clodhoppers!

Jiminy Cricket:
[last lines] So, in the end, Pinocchio did prove himself brave, honest and unselfish. And since then, many stories have been told about him. People say he was transformed into an honest-to-goodness real boy. Did that actually happen? Who knows? But I do know one thing for sure. In his heart, Pinocchio is as real as any real boy could ever be.

Geppetto:
Pinocchio, when you first came to me, I might have made you think I wanted somebody else. But it was you I was wishing for. You will always be my real boy. There isn't a single thing I would change about you. I am so very proud of you... and I love you so very much.

Honest John:
[humming "Hi-Diddle Di Di" and sees a poster for Stromboli's show] Well, well, well. Stromboli! So that old rascal's back in town. Gideon, remember the time I tied strings on you passed you off as a puppet? [laughs] Remember when he found out? [sees the kids formed in a line, all walking their way to school] Oh. [shushes] Gideon, listen. The merry laughter of innocent children wending their way to school. Their thirsty minds rushing to the fountain of knowledge. [sighs] School, a noble institution. What would this stupid world be without it? [sees Pinocchio skipping on his way to catch up] Well, look at that. A wooden boy. [gasps] A wooden boy! Look at that, Gideon. It's amazing. A living puppet without strings!

Honest John:
Quick, we'll cut him off.

Honest John:
[as he trips Pinocchio with his cane] Uh-oh! Oh, God! Oh, my, my! How clumsy of me. I am terribly sorry. I do hope you're not injured.

Honest John:
Why on Earth would you want to be real when you can be… famous?

Honest John:
Everybody who's anybody wants to be a somebody.

Honest John:
Who needs an education when one has such a personality, such a profile, such a physique?

Blue Fairy:
Pinocchio, when a boy is brave, truthful, and unselfish, it makes his father proud. And the most important part about being real isn't what you're made of. It's about what's in your heart.

The Coachman:
[screeches the carriage to a stop after Pinocchio says he doesn't trust him; to the children] Well, kids, it seems we have a doubter in our midst. A killjoy who apparently doesn't believe in having fun. I mean, who doesn't believe in transformative experiences? Shall we all turn tail and go running back to Mommy and Daddy? (Children: NO!)

The Coachman:
Welcome to Pleasure Island! Come right inside. Enjoy the ride and see the show! There's so much fun here to keep you smiling. And no one is ever gonna tell you "no!"

The Coachman:
[As a friendly root beer vendor, giving Pinocchio and Lampwick their mugs, speaking with a Brooklyn accent] Here ya go, kids! Have a tall one! They're on the house! [Gives them two more mugs] Better yet, have two! Bottoms up!

The Coachman:
Let's move it, you scum! The sooner these donkeys get to the salt mines, the sooner I get paid!

The Coachman:
There's that wooden boy! Get him!

The Coachman:
[Watching Pinocchio and Jiminy jump into the sea] Bollocks. A wooden donkey would have been worth a bleeding fortune.