Pixels

Sam Brenner:
Pac-Man's a bad guy?

[Donkey Kong appears on top of the platform]

Sam Brenner:
Donkey Kong.

[Donkey Kong rolls a barrel down]

President Will Cooper:
It's just a barrel. How bad can it hurt?

[Donkey Kong throws down a blue barrel to the oil drum that explodes]

Sam Brenner:
We're the only ones who can do this! I'm kidding, we're all gonna die. I'm just... sorry.

Professor Iwatani:
Pac-Man is not bad. You'll see.

Sam Brenner:
Professor Iwatani, what are you doing?

Professor Iwatani:
I will talk to him, he's my son.

[to Pac-Man]

Professor Iwatani:
Hello, my sweet, little boy. Look how big you've grown.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
That's so sweet, he's so sweet.

Professor Iwatani:
I know, you're a good boy.

[Pac-Man bit his hand into pixels, then he and the genius scream]

Professor Iwatani:
Somebody kill this stupid b*tch!

Violet:
[as a pixel Smurf dances, she kills it with her pixel blaster, then everyone looks at her] Don't tell anybody I killed a Smurf.

Sam Brenner:
We got this, if we don't, the world ends.

Sam Brenner:
We have to take the battle to them.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
I believe that some alien life-force, has sent real life video games, to attack us.

[Scene cuts to Pac-Man attacking the firefighters truck]

Sam Brenner:
[Thinks for 4 seconds] That makes sense.

Eddie Plant:
Let's hit it!

[a chase begins in their cars as ghosts as Pac-Man moves around the city]

Sam Brenner:
Pac-Man's faster than I remember.

Eddie Plant:
Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghost. We're gonna have to outmaneuver.

[the chase continues until they got Pac-Man cornered]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
We got him! He's got nowhere to go!

[Pac-Man moves and eats a power pellet, causing the cars as ghosts to turn deep blue]

Sam Brenner:
Oh, god, no!

Q-Bert:
[showing his trademark speech bubble with characters depicting cursing] Oh crap!

Eddie Plant:
[Talking about Q-Bert] Can I kill it?

Sam Brenner:
You can't kill Q-Bert! You gotta talk to it, get to know it better. Then kill it!

Violet:
Don't tell anybody that I killed a Smurf!

Choir Kids:
[On TV during the ball. Reciting] New York was in trouble. / Pac Man caused a ruckus / But the Arcaders saved us / 'Cause they're bad mother - [TV broadcast is interrupted]

Eddie Plant:
At least Martha Stewart would have made me a panini or some sh*t like that.

Sam Brenner:
For the record, I'm an amazing kisser. All us nerds are, cause we appreciate it more.

Violet:
You didn't even brush your teeth this morning!

Sam Brenner:
I ate a Tic Tac!

Max Headroom:
Well, well, well! Look who's here, Q-Bert the traitor and his cheating friends! Come to beg for a second chance? You're in luck! The boss wants to me-me-meet ya in person! So come on up. If you defeat him, you save your planet and destroy our warriors. But if you lose... Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hahahaha!

Sam Brenner:
Why didn't you call me then?

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Because the CIA has been tapping my phones ever since I found out the Zapruder film has been edited, JFK shot first.

Sam Brenner:
Ludlow, it is you.

Sam Brenner:
Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade. Here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs.

Matty:
Do you have to say that every time you showed up by the house?

Sam Brenner:
If I wanna get paid, yes.

Matty:
Isn't it kind of demeaning?

Sam Brenner:
Only if someone brings that up.

Matty:
Ehh. Well, bring it up then.

Sam Brenner:
Thanks.

Sam Brenner:
Is it your birthday?

Matty:
No. My parents are getting a divorce.

Sam Brenner:
Oh. So it's like 10 birthdays.

Sam Brenner:
I was supposed to have a baby with my ex-wife. And the doctor who was helping us make the baby did help us make the baby but unfortunately I wasn't in the room.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Hi.Ludlow Lamonsoff. We'd actually met before but you will not remember because it was in the back of Brenner's van and I was watching through the window. *sniff* You smell so nice like the book of Genesis.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
What am I looking at right now? Are you guys, soldiers or the casts of Magic Mike? Are you gonna fight or dance naked?

Sam Brenner:
I learned a lot of big words at the dorm room drug parties.

Matty:
Classics you mean Halo and Call of Duty?

Sam Brenner:
No. The real classics. Defender. Pac-man. Astroids. Games you play in an arcade which was a building outside of your house. You would go there with your friends, listen to music, cute girls everywhere. In ancient times, they call it 'socializing'.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Look at me, I'm delicious. They'll gobble me up like space dimsum!

Violet:
[Addressing Sam Brenner] Why are you following me?

Sam Brenner:
Oh God!

Violet:
I can't believe they even let you in here.

Sam Brenner:
Right.

President's Assistant Jennifer:
Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room.

Violet:
Yeah. See, they need me in the Situation Room, so have fun doing whatever you're doing.

President's Assistant Jennifer:
Mr. Brenner. The president is waiting for you in the Oval Office.

Sam Brenner:
[In a derisive tone of voice] Somebody's more important. [Moonwalks and addresses a member of the presidential detail while looking at Violet] Freddie, can you keep the riff-raff outta here?

Sam Brenner:
Whoa. She went from zero to psycho in 3.4 seconds; a new world record.

Eddie Plant:
I made your game my b*tch!

Eddie Plant:
Pac Man? Boom! That's my jam. Let's get us some light cannons and blow this sucker back to whatever planet it came from.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
No, no light cannons don't kill Pac Mac. Those... those little ghosts do.

Eddie Plant:
Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts.

Matty:
Anyway, my mom hates him and she says she's gonna invent a slut seeking missile to take out Sinnamon.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
[Surrenders to Lady Lisa] You win, I'm not gonna fight you anymore. Ok, I know that you have love in your heart and I know that I could make you happy but if you need to kill me, you're just gonna have to go ahead and kill me. At least I can die a happy man knowing that I found true love.

[Lady Lisa drops her swords, Ludlow stands up and they kiss passionately]

Eddie Plant:
And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams!

Sam Brenner:
[Rescuing Violet] Grab onto my mighty hammer!

Violet:
You loved saying that.

Sam Brenner:
Yes, I did.

[Sam aims the hammer at Donkey Kong]

Sam Brenner:
I've been waiting to do this since 1982! [Throws hammer at Donkey Kong and kills him]

Sam Brenner:
[after Proffesor Iwatani gets hand bitten off by Pac-Man] That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff!

[first lines]

13-Year-Old Sam Brenner:
Cooper, it's open!

13-Year-Old Will Cooper:
[surprised] It's open?!

13-Year-Old Sam:
Come on! [Cooper gets on his bike] It's supposed to be awesome.

13-Year-Old Will:
Thank you. [takes his sister's quarters]

Will's sister:
Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser! MOM!

Sam:
Mrs. Van Patten. All finished up down there. I need you to sign the work order.

Violet:
[voice wavering] Okay.

Sam:
[confused] Mrs. Van Patten, are you in the closet?

Violet:
[voice wavering] Yes.

Sam:
Not judging, but what are you doing in the closet?

Violet:
[voice wavering] I'm mostly crying. A little drinking. Probably equally crying and drinking.

Sam:
Something I do often also. But why in the closet?

Violet:
[voice wavering] Because I don't want Matty to see me. [she starts crying]

Sam:
I'm coming in the closet, Mrs. Van Patten. I'm opening the door. [he see Violet on the floor holding a Sippy Cup] [calmly, and concerned] Are you all right?

Sam:
[voice breaking] I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet, drinking Chardonnay out of a Sippy Cup, so I guess not.

Sam:
[apologetically] Sorry. I withdraw the question. Uh– [he sits on the floor with Violet]

Violet:
[sobbing] Oh, God!

Sam:
[smiling] Wanna talk about it?

Violet:
No. Yes! Yes. [sobbing in Sam Brenner's shoulder] Oh, God!

Violet:
[addressing Sam Brenner] Why are you following me?

Sam:
Oh, God.

Violet:
I can't believe they even let you in here.

Sam:
Right.

Jennifer:
Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room.

Violet:
Yeah. See, they need me in the Situation Room, so have fun doing whatever you're doing.

Sam:
Mmm.

Jennifer:
Mr. Brenner, the president is waiting for you in the Oval Office.

Sam :
[falsetto voice, mockingly] Somebody's more important. [moonwalks and addresses a member of the presidential detail while looking at Violet] [normal voice] Freddy, can you keep the riffraff outta here? [he moonwalks into the Oval Office] [to Cooper] Yo, wassup?

Will Cooper:
Oh, come on, you couldn't have at least changed?

Sam Brenner:
You told me to rush right over. What's going on, man? Why's it so crazy out there?

Will Cooper:
Our Air Force Base in Guam was attacked.

Sam Brenner:
By who?

Will Cooper:
I'm not sure. That's what I wanted to ask you. Come here. Check this out.

Sam Brenner:
Me?

Will Cooper:
Yes, you. Come here. Listen to this. [he hits the space button on the keyboard, and deep whirring is heard.] Does that sound familiar to you?

Sam Brenner:
Yeah. Where do I know that from? Can you freeze it?

Will Cooper:
Yeah, hold on. [he pauses the video.]

Sam Brenner:
Go in tighter. [Cooper does so.] That can't be real.

Will Cooper:
Okay, so, you're seeing the same thing I'm seeing.

Sam Brenner:
What kind of mushrooms did that guy put on our burgers?

Jennifer:
[enters the Oval Office] They're ready for you, Mr. President.

Will Cooper:
Great. Now I gotta explain this to the National Security Council. Listen, do me a favor, Sam. Watch that again, okay? And just see if there's anything you can find to help us out.

Sam Brenner:
Yeah. Can I sit in your chair?

Will Cooper:
No, you can't, and everything's recorded.

Sam Brenner:
Okay, I won't. I won't. I won't. [he waves at the security camera, and sits in the chair anyway.] I'm sittin' in the chair. Gimme a break.

Violet:
Gentlemen, I'll be sending Pac-Man's current coordinates to each of your car's GPSes. Let's locate and eliminate.

Will Cooper:
Come on, guys.

[Pac-Man chases man on his bicycle. Ludlow is shocked.]

Sam Brenner:
[confused] Pac-Man's a bad guy?

[Iwatani sees Pac-Man eat man's bike.]

Professor Iwatani:
Pac-Man is not bad! I created him to bring joy to all the people of the world! They have brainwashed him! Deep down, he's kind, gentle. Someone you can tell your troubles to or grab a hamburger with.

[Pac-Man stops in front of the Ghost Cars.]

Professor Iwatani:
You'll see.

[Iwatani exits his Ghost Car.]

Violet:
Professor Iwatani, get back in the car!

Sam Brenner:
Professor Iwatani, what are you doing?!

Professor Iwatani:
I will talk to him. He's my son!

Sam Brenner:
No, that's a bad idea.

[Iwatani walks up to Pac-Man.]

Professor Iwatani:
[to Pac-Man] Hello, my sweet, little boy. Look how big you've grown. I'm so proud of you.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
It's so sweet. He's so sweet.

Professor Iwatani:
But all these destructive things you're doing, it's wrong. I'm your father. I know, you're a good boy.

[Iwatani reaches out. Ludlow nods as if saying, "Go on." Suddenly, Pac-Man bites Iwatani's hand into pixels, and Iwatani screams in pain.]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
NOOOOO!!!!

Professor Iwatani:
SOMEBODY KILL THIS STUPID THING!!!!

Sam Brenner:
[shocked and horrified] That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff right there!

[Pac-Man runs away]

Eddie Plant:
All right, losers! It's 3 on 1. Let's hit it!

[the Arcaders start chasing Pac-Man. During the chase, Pac-Man eats a fire truck.]

Sam Brenner:
Pac-Man's faster than I remember!

Eddie Plant:
Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghosts. We're gonna have to out-maneuver his ass. [he and the Arcaders sharply turn around a car.] Wonderfro, you and Silver Medal break off. [The Arcaders go in different directions.] I'll stay with Big Yellow.

Violet:
[sees Eddie's car going another way very quickly.] Whoa! Eddie, how did you do that so fast?

Eddie Plant:
'Cause I'm the champ, Lieutenant Long Legs.

[Pac-Man eats an ambulance, but runs into Ludlow Lamonsoff.]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Nope!

[Pac-Man runs into Sam Brenner.]

Sam Brenner:
What's up?

[Pac-Man tries to run away, but sees Eddie Plant about to kill him.]

Eddie Plant:
OH, YEAH!

[Eddie kills Pac-Man]

Will Cooper:
Good one, Eddie.

Eddie Plant:
Whew.

Sam Brenner:
[on radio] One down!

Violet:
Two to go! [the Arcaders go another way.] All right, Pac-Man Number Two just regenerated four streets away headed North Bound. Turn east at the next intersection. Brenner, go straight.

Sam Brenner:
Got it.

Violet:
Ludlow, go left. [Ludlow does so] Eddie, at the next intersection, turn left.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
We got him! He's got nowhere to go!

[Pac-Man eats a Power Pellet, thus turning all the Ghost Cars dark blue.]

Sam Brenner:
[shocked] Oh, God. No!

Violet:
"Oh, God. No!" what?

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
He ate the Power Pellet! Pac-Man's got 10 seconds where he can eat us! [Pac-Man starts chasing Ludlow] Why me?! [Ludlow runs away] Oh, God, don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me. Please, please don't eat me. [Pac-Man starts eating Ludlow's Ghost Car, and he screams in terror] GUYS! HELP! I'M GONNA DIE A VIRGIN! [Ludlow barely escapes the Ghost Car before it gets eaten by Pac-Man. Then Pac-Man turns around and continues chasing Ludlow.] Why are you doing this to me? [Ludlow runs for his life.] YOU'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED! YOU'RE A GOOD BOY!

Will Cooper:
LUDLOW, RUN! PUMP YOUR LEGS! GO, BABY!

[Ludlow continues running from Pac-Man. Suddenly, Eddie appears and kills Pac-Man again.]

Will Cooper:
[as the people in the office cheer] ATTABOY, EDDIE!

Eddie Plant:
[chuckles] You just got fire-blasted, sucka!

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
[makes finger guns at Eddie.] [weakly] Uh-huh. [faints from fear.]

Eddie Plant:
[sighs] What?

Violet:
How the Hell did he get over there so fast?

Sam Brenner:
[to Eddie] Way to go, champ!

Eddie Plant:
Aren't you glad you sprung me, Second Place?

Sam Brenner:
[sarcastically] Yeah. Thrilled. [normally] One more to go and it's Happy Hour.

[Pac-Man Number Three regenerates where Pac-Man Number Two died, and Sam and Eddie chase Pac-Man leaving Ludlow laying in the street.]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
So I, I guess they're just leaving me here.

[Pac-Man runs for his life as Sam and Eddie chase him.]

Eddie Plant:
Now it's time for the hat trick.

[Eddie accelerates but Pac-Man turns right causing Eddie to fly off of the road, falling into the East River.]

Sam Brenner:
Wow!

Violet:
Brenner, it's on you. There are still 3 other Power Pellets out there, so stay alert.

Sam Brenner:
I got this. If I don't, the world ends. Can't let that happen.

Will Cooper:
Come on, Brenner. Come on.

[Sam continues chasing Pac-Man]

Violet:
Brenner, he leading you directly towards one of the Power Pellets. Get out of there.

[Pac-Man eats Power Pellet, turning Sam Brenner's Ghost Car dark blue, and starts chasing Sam Brenner]

Sam Brenner:
[with a game face] 1.

Violet:
[confused] What the Hell is he doing?

Sam Brenner:
[backs up] 2.

Violet:
[angrily] Damn it, Brenner, I have a son who I'd like to see grow up!

Sam Brenner:
3. You'll see your boy grow up. [Pac-Man chases him into parking garage] 4.

Violet:
[alarmed] Brenner, get out; He's going to eat you!

Sam Brenner:
[getting chased through the parking garage.] 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. [closes his eyes tight. The Ghost Car and Pac-Man fly through the air in slow-mo, and Pac-Man opens his mouth, about to eat Sam Brenner.] ...10. [barely kills Pac-Man Number Three. He lands on another part of the parking garage, and he breathes heavily, as Pac-Man powers down.]

Will Cooper:
[as everyone cheers wildly] OH! OH! YOU DID IT! BRENNER! THAT'S THE ONE, BABY! [he and his wife hug. Two Admiral's shake hands. Violet sees Sam Brenner exit his Ghost Car and chuckles in disbelief.]

[Sam Brenner emerges from the parking garage]

Man in Crowd:
He's over here!

[Sam Brenner is greeted with thunderous cheers and applause. Eddie arrives on a fire truck, drenched, and gives the crowd a "Rock on!" hand gesture.]

Woman in Crowd:
Fire Blaster, I love you!

[Ludlow appears holding a blanket over something.]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Hey, guys! Sorry, coming through. I'm one of tonight's heroes, sorry. [to Sam and Eddie] Hey! [whispers] Hey. Check it out. I think I might have found our next trophy.

[uncovers blanket revealing Q*Bert mumbling]

Sam Brenner:
[intrigued] It's Q*Bert.

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
[excitedly] Yeah, I know! I know.

Eddie Plant:
Can I kill it?

Sam Brenner:
No! Let's get to know him a little bit. Ask him some questions. And then we'll kill him.

Q*Bert:
Huh?

Sam Brenner:
I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him.

Q*Bert:
Bye.

Jim Porter:
[turns off TV, and tosses remote] I don't know what would be worse. Them failing, or them actually pulling this off.

Mrs. Porter:
[offscreen] What was that, Jim?

Jim Porter:
Can you SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS?!

Sam Brenner:
Most violent game I've ever seen. Eh-eh, I don't think it's healthy for ya.

Matty:
It's fine, I can handle it.

Sam Brenner:
No, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to homeboy.

Q*Bert:
[shaking in fear] So much blood!

Sam Brenner:
Yeah. Hey, you know what'll cheer ya up? A cheese ball.

Q*Bert:
Yep.

Sam Brenner:
Huh? Come on, suck one up. [Q*Bert sucks up a cheese ball.] Take a handful. [throws a handful of cheese balls in the opposite direction, and Q*Bert sucks them in.] That was smooth. [chuckles] That was very smooth! [to Matty] You know, we should get him some exercise, maybe throw him on the trampoline for a little bit?

Q*Bert:
[excitedly] Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline!

Matty:
Okay. How about me and him do that while you go ask my mom to the ball tomorrow night?

Sam Brenner:
Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to your mother.

Q*Bert:
[as his signature swear bubble appears] Bullcrap!

Sam Brenner:
[to Q*Bert] You're right, I am. Okay. Here, finish these. [Q*Bert finishes cheese ball container] You gettin' chubby. [Q*Bert chuckles]

Will Cooper:
[after saving Sam, Violet and Ludlow from being pixelated by Frogger, and takes off Chewbacca mask.] Nobody's better at the Crane Game than me!

Sam Brenner:
Chewie?! What's with the disguise, buddy?

Will Cooper:
They tried to take me to some underground bunker, so I went rogue. [reveals his Arcader uniform]

Sam Brenner:
Donkey Kong.

Will Cooper:
The one game you suck at.

Sam Brenner:
Yeah.

[last lines]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
Hey, kids. Daddy's home.

[Q*Bert babies are seen being excited to see their daddy, while jumping.]

[last lines]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
(voice only) Huh, cool eh?

[The camera zooms to the cities of Washington.]

Eddie Plant:
[while watching Ludlow and Lady Lisa kissing] And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams.

[last lines]

Ludlow Lamonsoff:
[offscreen] Hey, kids! Dad is home!

[The camera moves to a crib filled with Q*berts]