Play It Again, Sam

Allan:
Sorry I had to slap you around, but you got hysterical when I said, "No more."

Dick:
He was always very fussy.

Allan:
Yes, but look at the results.

Dick:
Yes, you never went out.

Bogart:
Somewheres in life you got turned around; it's HER job to smell good for YOU.

Nancy:
My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Allan:
I don't have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.

Allan:
That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn't it?

Museum Girl:
Yes, it is.

Allan:
What does it say to you?

Museum Girl:
It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.

Allan:
What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum Girl:
Committing suicide.

Allan:
What about Friday night?

Allan:
I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?

Allan:
Yeah, I get that.

Linda:
What is it, fear or anxiety?

Allan:
Homosexual panic.

Allan:
I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and even though I was the one leaving, I got sick; and when I returned, my wife threw up.

Allan:
No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to.

Nancy:
Don't listen to him!

Bogart:
Don't listen to HER!

Allan:
Fellas, we're in a supermarket.

Bogart:
Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.

Allan:
Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.

Allan:
I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist?

Bogart:
Your getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it.

Allan:
We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my face.

Bogart:
Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.

Allan:
Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.

Allan:
I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

Dick:
I'll be at 362-9296 for a while; then I'll be at 648-0024 for about fifteen minutes; then I'll be at 752-0420; and then I'll be home, at 621-4598. Yeah, right George, bye-bye.

Linda:
There's a phone booth on the corner. You want me to run downstairs and get the number? You'll be passing it.

Allan:
You want a Fresca with a Darvon?

Linda:
Unless you have apple juice.

Allan:
Apple juice and Darvon is fantastic together!

Linda:
Have you ever had Librium and tomato juice?

Allan:
No, I haven't personally, but another neurotic tells me they're unbelievable.

Dick:
Could I get a coke with nothing in it?

Allan:
I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Allan:
If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Linda:
That's beautiful!

Allan:
It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it.

Allan:
I guess the secret's not being you, it's being ME. True, you're not too tall and kind of ugly, but what the hell? I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Bogart:
Here's looking at you, kid.

Bogart:
I never saw a dame yet that didn't understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a .45.

Allan:
I'm so excited, I think I'll brush all my teeth today!

Dick:
Who were these guys?

Allan:
Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though.

Linda:
Would you like us to call a doctor?

Allan:
No, no, I could use a 3 foot band-aid.

Allan:
This is a beautiful beach house.

Linda:
Thank you.

Allan:
Yeah, let's burn it down for the insurance money.

Allan:
Here, I got you a present because it's your birthday.

Linda:
How'd you know?

Allan:
Well, you mentioned the date and I remembered because it's the same day my mother had her hysterectomy.

Linda:
Allan, the world is full of eligible women.

Allan:
Yeah, but not like Nancy. She was a lovely thing. I used to lay in bed at night and watch her sleep. Once in a while she would wake up and catch me. She would let out a scream.

Dick:
Allan, you have invested your emotions in a losing stock, it was wiped out, it dropped off the board. Now what do you do Allan? You reinvest. Maybe in a more stable stock. Something with long term growth possibilities.

Allan:
Who are you going to fix me up with, General Motors?

Linda:
Maybe if you just leaned across the candlelight and kissed her.

Allan:
I tried, she used to say, "Christ, not here, everybody's staring."

Dick:
You know any other girls?

Linda:
I don't know if any of my friends are his type. I mean, most of the girls I know are fairly normal.

Linda:
I feel some sort of a mystical attraction for Van Gogh. Why is that?

Allan:
I don't know. I just know he was a great painter and he cut off an ear for a girl that he loved.

Linda:
That's the kind of thing you would do for a girl.

Allan:
I'd really have to like her a lot.

Dick:
What? You got into a fight?

Allan:
Yep.

Dick:
With who?

Allan:
Some guys were getting tough with Julie. I had to teach them a lesson.

Dick:
Are you all right?

Allan:
Yeah, I'm fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy's fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose.

Nancy:
You're a dreamer. Your akward. Your clumsy. They can see how desparate you are. You know this. You said it yourself. Oh, face it Allan. You may be very sweet but you're not sexy.

Allan:
You were fantastic last night in bed.

Linda:
Oh thanks.

Allan:
How do you feel now?

Linda:
I think the Pepto Bismol helped.

Bogart:
Now move closer to her.

Allan:
How close?

Bogart:
The length of your lips.

Allan:
That's very close.