Quarter Life Crisis Movie

Sandro:
I am going through a quarter life crisis. I am 26-years-old and I have never had a relationship. My friends or so called friends call me fag, homo, queer. My problem is, I am too damn shy. My life sucks. I have been bagging groceries for 10 years. I have accumulated close to $200,000 in that time and I spent a $160,000 on this car [Porsche] I am still bagging groceries and it f***ing blows. I've got no education so I am trapped. [Pulls out of the drive way in his Porsche] At least I am f***ing a HOT chick! [Insert of Sandro and his fiance announcing they're engaged] And the a**holes that called me a homo, F*** THEM! [Speeds down the street as the Porsche engine roars]

Tomasso Dellapia:
[Tomasso's family sing happy birthday to him. Tomasso ponders] I feel really depressed. Those f***ing student loans. They'll have colonized Mars before I repay them. I have done nothing with my life.I have lived in the same home, in the same neighborhood since 1979. Like most 20 something adults, I feel overwhelmed. This is the stage that most experience a quarter life crisis. You're faced with so many choices. If you make a bad decision, it could affect your future. You realize that if you don't accomplish what you want to do; time, work, money, family could prevent you from doing it. There's too much to do. Before I die or turn 30. I have to: Visit a topless beach.Watch the Italian national team win a world cup. See the best fookin band in the world play live in the U.K. And if there's time, make a documentary about how the world bank contributes to poverty in the 3rd world because they prioritize debt and finances above people's health and survival.The music stops.

John Worth:
[John Worth interviewing Tomasso for a job] So tell me about yourself.

Tomasso Dellapia:
Well John. My sexual appetite for gorgeous women has waned after masturbating to numerous attractive adult film stars over the years... I realized I would never date a woman as exotic as a porn star and I got really depressed, until I discovered obese porn. John, my sexual drive returned with a vengeance because the possibility of fornicating with a huge, over-sized woman is achievable.

Evan Stefanopulos:
the door bell. [door bell ring] Maria, tries to open the door but she can't because she's holding a case. So I run to the door because she's hot.

Tomasso Dellapia:
If she were ugly, would you run to the door?

Evan Stefanopulos:
I wouldn't even walk.

Tomasso Dellapia:
I hope this date doesn't turn into an "am I the right guy for marriage interview?"

Zena:
[Zena whips out a resume from her briefcase] It says here that your objective is to find a playboy look alike... that will blow you 6 times a day... interested in classical literature... rock and roll... and foreign films.

Tomasso Dellapia:
Yeah, that's right.

Zena:
[Zena scrutinizes the resume] Under experience, you worked in a hockey arena? For five years? What are you doing with your life?

Tomasso Dellapia:
I don't know.

Zena:
It says here, that you make less than $15,000. You can't support a wife on that salary.

Tomasso Dellapia:
Look, whatever happened to dinner and a movie?

Tomasso Dellapia:
[voice over] After exposing my past, I never expected she take me home with her.

Martina Chwaluk:
[Tomasso grinds his body behind Martina] What are you doing?

Tomasso Dellapia:
What?

Martina Chwaluk:
The back door is closed.

Tomasso Dellapia:
A guest wants in.

Martina Chwaluk:
No visitors allowed!

Tomasso Dellapia:
You are a terrible host.

Val:
We live in a consumer culture. Companies use advertisers to sell their products. Advertisers sell products to people by creating fear and playing on their insecurities. We must buy, buy to feel good.

Martina Chwaluk:
That's interesting.

Val:
So can I eat your ass now?

Tina:
Oh yeah! The anal freak! So why do you date these losers?

Martina Chwaluk:
I guess I have a weird taste for interesting guys.

Tina:
You have an interesting taste for weirdos!

Evan Stefanopulos:
[Watching porn on the store computer] So when's Leo coming?

Tomasso Dellapia:
F*** Leo! Let's get ourselves a couple of escorts. There's a table in the back. You can f*** one there, and I'll f*** one here on the counter.

Evan Stefanopulos:
And then the hookers will be cops, my name will appear in the papers, and Karen will read the papers, and then she'll divorce me.

Martina Chwaluk:
I am sorry. You went through a lot of trouble to arrange this. I should have looked better. It's just, I am going through a quarter life crisis.

Martina's mom:
What a joke. Quarter life crisis?

Martina Chwaluk:
I am going through it.

Martina's mom:
You are in your twenties! It's probably the only time in your life that your crisis is the least likely to actually have consequences. Your dad died when I was 24. I had to raise you. This quarter life crisis gives affluent young people, who have never suffered anything truly traumatic yet another mechanism for feeling sorry for themselves.

Tomasso Dellapia:
Why didn't you tell me about Angie?

Leo Argante:
I don't know. I didn't know how you would react.

Tomasso Dellapia:
I reacted like I saw airplanes crashing into skyscrapers. I was shocked.

Leo Argante:
I noticed.

Tomasso Dellapia:
So Have you f***ed her yet?

Leo Argante:
I have given her head.

Tomasso Dellapia:
And?

Leo Argante:
So this one time, I am giving her head for for like an hour and a half, and I couldn't f***ing take it anymore.

Tomasso Dellapia:
You're too tired?

Leo Argante:
Not exactly.

Tomasso Dellapia:
What then?

Leo Argante:
She's got vaginosis!

Tomasso Dellapia:
Her p*ssy smells?

Leo Argante:
Yeah! Big time.

Tomasso Dellapia:
I am going to vomit!

Leo Argante:
Yeah, I know. I totally took one for the team.

Evan Stefanopulos:
[Evan dream sequence, having sex with Maria] Does your long haired f*ggot boyfriend f*** you as good as I do?

Martina Chwaluk:
So what happened? Why did she leave you?

Tomasso Dellapia:
Hey! What makes you think she left me? Maybe I left her, you know.

Martina Chwaluk:
No, no. See, a woman leaves a man because she's not getting her needs fulfilled. A man leaves a woman becauuse he is not getting his need fulfilled.

Angie:
[Waitress puts bill on the table] How much?

Leo Argante:
It's $50, not including tip. [Angie puts $10 on the table] Is that a 20?

Angie:
It's a 10! Why?

Leo Argante:
No reason. So how much should we leave for a tip?

Angie:
I don't believe in tipping!

Leo Argante:
Um, okay. [voice over] Jesus Christ! She got ribs and wings! French fries! Three bottles of beer! Thirty three dollars! Not even including tax and tip! My pasta and soda comes out to twelve dollars! WHAT THE F***?

Angie:
Why are you quiet?

Leo Argante:
No reason. I am just thinking of school.

Angie:
Pay the bill! Come on!

Frank:
I thought Sandro was f***ing crazy spending all his money on this car, but you know what? If I was 26, and I had the f***ing money, I would buy this car too. [the Porsche]

Tomasso Dellapia:
Really?

Frank:
Oh yeah. When you get to my age, sometimes you look back with regret. Would I be happier if I did the things I wanted to do instead of doing the things people expected of me.

Tomasso Dellapia:
I wanted to go to Europe but my buddy bailed on me.

Frank:
F*** your friend. Go alone. Guys, I am 41-years-old. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. DON'T IGNORE IT LIKE I DID. YOU'LL BE HAPPIER IF YOU FOLLOW YOUR GUT. The key to success is to find something you're passionate about and give it everything. It's not that f***ing hard. Do, everything you ever wanted to do; right now!Because if you do don't do what you want to do now, than you'll be going through a mid-life crisis instead of a quarter life crisis, and a mid-life crisis is worse than a quarter life crisis because you have more f***ing responsibilities and fewer f***ing options. Think about it! F***!

Angie's sister:
So I heard you and Angie got into a fight?

Angie's mother:
Angie said you got into a fight on her birthday?

Angie's sister:
She said you had a bit of a problem.

Angie:
You have to get yourself checked out. You have a big problem! [Refering to Leo's impotency]

Leo Argante:
Is anything sacred? I can't believe we're talking about this right now!

Angie:
I am only doing this because I care about you. Don't you love me?

Leo Argante:
I don't even like you right now.

Angie's Brother:
Hey! Leave the guy alone! Who would want you anyway?

Angie:
Sex is really important to me and the fact that we can't have it makes me wonder if you really do love me! Because if you did love me, you would get yourself checked out! But I know you don't!

Martina Chwaluk:
He wants to be a filmmaker.

Martina's mom:
He's not corporate at all. You should go for a guy...

Martina Chwaluk:
...I know I like

Martina's mom:
You should go for a guy whose got the biggest bang for his buck.

Martina's mom:
MY GOD! STOP IT!

Martina's mom:
All those MBA's I introduced you to and you have to go for a starving artist. This guy won't give you a future.

Leo Argante:
You don't understand. I am going through a quarter life crisis

Leo's dad:
Quarter life crisis?

Leo Argante:
Yeah, quarter life crisis.

Leo's dad:
What's a bigger crisis? A 19-year-old inner city school kid who's pregnant for the second time, or a 28-year-old University student that's failed teacher's college for the second time and lives at home and pays no rent?

Tomasso Dellapia:
Why don't you come? Just tell Karen you're dying of skin cancer and your last wish is to party with your friends in Europe.

Karen:
Maria is very pretty.

Evan Stefanopulos:
I can't believe she's with Joe Fizzo.

Karen:
He's okay

Evan Stefanopulos:
He's ugly! What does she see in him?

Karen:
He's got nice hair.

Evan Stefanopulos:
What do you think about shaved heads?

Karen:
I think if you let it grow, it would look better.

Joe Fizzo:
Thanks for fixing my satelite dish!

Tomasso Dellapia:
Everything you and I do, we do out of our need to avoid pain or our desire to gain pleasure. And what's more painful than going from job interview to job interview.

Tomasso Dellapia:
Having a real job means that I would get real benefits. I don't get real benefits; Sick pay, dental, workers comp but I do get some fringe benefits: Fringe benefit number one, unsupervised marijuana breaks. I'll take a hit of chronic over any coverage any day.

Tomasso Dellapia:
All too often the security of a mediocre present is far more comfortable than the adventure of trying to be more in the future.