Rat Race

Nick Schaffer:
Wait - what's this $150?

Nick Schaffer:
Oh, I didn't watch any movies.

Nick Schaffer:
"Afro Whores"?

Nick Schaffer:
No, I didn't watch that.

Nick Schaffer:
Look, I was at a bachelor party last night, there were like 35 people there, you can ask any of them... you have to take that off my record.

Vicki:
So, what can I do for you, Harry?

Harold Grisham:
Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked.

Vicki:
So far so good.

Harold Grisham:
Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.

Vicki:
What's that?

Harold Grisham:
Naked... jacuzzi... Pepto-Bismol... toenails... shave my buttocks.

Vicki:
Well, you have quite an imagination, Harry.

Donald Sinclair:
Go!

Merrill:
So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?

Donald Sinclair:
Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.

Enrico Pollini:
Look at us go! We're zooming!

Zack Mallozzi:
I told you! We're hauling ass!

Enrico Pollini:
We're hauling ass! Alrighty!

Zack Mallozzi:
Guess what I got back there.

Enrico Pollini:
You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!

Bev Pear:
Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!

Randy Pear:
Alright, alright, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.

Bev Pear:
A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.

Randy Pear:
Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

Enrico Pollini:
I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name.

Owen Templeton:
No I wasn't.

Enrico Pollini:
No pun intended.

Owen Templeton:
What pun was that?

Tracy Faucet:
So what's wrong with her?

Nick Schaffer:
Who?

Tracy Faucet:
Your sister. You said it was serious.

Nick Schaffer:
Oh yeah... shark bite.

Tracy Faucet:
Shark bite?

Nick Schaffer:
Yeah.

Tracy Faucet:
And they took her to Silver City?

Nick Schaffer:
Yeah, they have a really good shark bite unit there.

Duane Cody:
One of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying.

Vera Baker:
We're not crazy. We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.

Merrill:
Which is why we stole the rocket car.

The Squirrel Lady:
They should have bought a squirrel.

Randy Pear:
Jason, put that away, you can't play that.

Jason Pear:
Why not?

Randy Pear:
Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.

Jason Pear:
You're driving his car!

Randy Pear:
Yeah, but I'm not putting my mouth on it. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!

Enrico Pollini:
I am getting goose pimples.

Enrico Pollini:
Am I to late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?

Randy Pear:
Yes! were in it.

Randy Pear:
Are you insane? This is Hitler's car.

Enrico Pollini:
I have lost my heart many times before.

Enrico Pollini:
I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.

Tracy Faucet:
Did I come at a bad time, a**hole?

Donald Sinclair:
I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr!

Nick Schaffer:
My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.

Duane Cody:
It's true, you could break your neck. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Duane Cody:
Where the hell is the airport?

Duane Cody:
Come back here, stupid hardware guy!

Duane Cody:
What do you mean that's it? I'm not giving up! And neither are you! And neither am I!

Enrico Pollini:
Look! A drifter, let's kill him!

Kimberly Pear:
Dad, I'm prairie dogging back here!

Randy Pear:
Well, what the hell does that mean?

Jason Pear:
You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.

Randy Pear:
Oh.

Randy Pear:
Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!

Merrill:
This is some kind of scam!

Vera Baker:
Oh good, a scam!

Enrico Pollini:
Ooooh look! Cock doggies!

Merrill:
It's some sort of joke. It has to be.

Duane Cody:
What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?

Owen Templeton:
Maybe it's a publicity stunt.

Randy Pear:
What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.

Vera Baker:
Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.

Randy Pear:
A *secret* publicity stunt?

Donald Sinclair:
Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet.

Donald Sinclair:
I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.

Nick Schaffer:
I think you killed him!

Tracy Faucet:
You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach!

Owen Templeton:
I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right? I... I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh? This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants? These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants. I stole them. I am not a bus driver!

Randy Pear:
Hi, I like your dike... Bike.

[A hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill]

Nick Schaffer:
Wait - what's this $110?

Employee:
Uh, those are your in-room movies.

Nick Schaffer:
No, I didn't watch any movies.

Employee:
Okay, let's see..."Afro Whores".

Nick Schaffer:
"Afro Whores"?

Employee:
It says you watched it... 11 times.

Nick Schaffer:
No, I didn't watch that.

Employee:
2:00 "Afro Whores", 3:30 "Afro Whores", 5:00 "Afro Whores"... It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes, then switched back over to "Afro Whores".

Nick Schaffer:
I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.

Hotel Clerk:
It's not a record, sir.

Nick Schaffer:
It... It's a delete.

Hotel Clerk:
Okay, fine. How many times did you watch it?

Nick Schaffer:
Uh, none! I didn't watch it!

Hotel Clerk:
Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters...”

Nick Schaffer:
No, I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it! [hotel clerk raises her eyebrows] I didn't!

[Duane and Blaine Cody walk up to the top of a flight of stairs, Duane places a glass on the ground]

Duane Cody:
Okay, see that shot glass? Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.

Blaine Cody:
I-ight 'eak y eck!

Duane Cody:
It's true, you could break your neck, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Blaine Cody:
Hy ont u oo it?

Duane Cody:
Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and one of us needs to be the witness! What kind of witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying. How's your tongue, let me see.

[Blaine opens his mouth, showing a blackened tongue with a stud in it; Duane cringes]

Blaine Cody:
Ows it ook?

Duane Cody:
...It looks good, getting better.

Randy Pear:
[seeing Blaine's infected tongue] Oh my God! You ought to sue somebody!

Blaine Cody:
Ay id it y-elf!

Randy Pear:
What?

Duane Cody:
He said he did it himself. Sent away for a kit.

Donald Sinclair:
[after explaining the game] The first one there, gets it all! Go!

Owen:
Y-You can't just pick people at random!

Donald Sinclair:
I can do anything I like, Owen! I'm eccentric! [Growls] Go!

Randy Pear:
Wait. So, it's like a race? [Sinclair points to him with an "Ah-ha!" expression]

Enrico Pollini:
A race! It's a race! I hope I win!

Duane Cody:
Uh, what are the rules?

Donald Sinclair:
There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is: There are, no rules! Go!

Merrill:
So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?

Donald Sinclair:
Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty-five seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.

[Everyone continues staring at Sinclair, visibly confused. Finally, he sighs in frustration, pulls out a revolver, and fires it into the ceiling.]

Randy Pear:
That's Hitler's harmonica; you can't play Hitler's harmonica.

Jason Pear:
Well, you're driving his car.

Randy Pear:
Yeah, but I'm not touching it with my mouth! I'm not sucking on the dashboard! I'm not getting his germs!

[In the initial stage of the race, everyone, with the exception of Nick and Enrico, try to beat each other down the stairs and fall over one another into a pile on a landing]

Owen:
Hey, wait-wait-wait! Wait! This is crazy! Listen, if we're all going to go for it, why don't we go for it together? You know, split the money fifty-fifty?

Blaine Cody:
Fifay-fifay?

Owen:
Oh, you know what I mean. Fifty-fifty; whatever!

Vera:
Yes, yes, that's a good plan.

Enrico:
[Running down the stairs] It's a race! It's a race! [Goes past everyone on the landing] I am winning! I am winning!

[After a pause, everyone runs after him]

Owen Templeton:
[Talking about the coin he used to flip at the Super Bowl] It's really a commemorative coin.

Owen Templeton:
I AM NOT A BUS DRIVER!!! I DO NOT WORK FOR THE BUS COMPANY!!! ALL RIGHT?!!! I--I NEEDED A RIDE TO NEW MEXICO, SO I STOLE THIS UNIFORM!!! SEE THIS JACKET?!! THIS IS NOT MY JACKET!!! REMEMBER MARTY, THE BUS DRIVER?!! HUH?!! THIS IS HIS SHIRT!!! I STOLE IT!!! AND THESE PANTS, YOU THINK I'D WEAR THESE PANTS?!!! THESE AREN'T MY PANTS!!! THESE ARE MARTY'S PANTS!!! I STOLE THEM!!! I AM NOT...a bus driver!

Blaine Cody:
[When he and Duane accidentally drive into the middle of a monster truck rally] WHEY DA FU AR WEY?!

Blaine Cody:
[To Duane] Duane, Mom's watching 'ou from 'eaven righ' now. Wha' would 'he doo? For starving children, Duane. 'O it for mom.

Vera Baker:
Oh good! A scam!!

Vera Baker:
[to Owen] I knew I recognized you, you're the referee, the bonehead!

Randy Pear:
They're always pissed, honey. They're Nazis, it's like it's their job.

Randy Pear:
I do NOT want to work at Home Depot!

Randy Pear:
You drink these up, then we're gonna return the Nazi-mobile. And then we'll get the van fixed and we'll go back to Vegas and see David Copperfield! Yay!

Randy Pear:
Bev, Bev, wake... Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Bev, wake up. Wake up. Third Reich's here. Come on. Get down. You wanna have a nice life. Okay, okay. Think. Think. SS in the parking lot.

Kimberly Pear:
Dad, I don't have to pee, it's number two!

Kimberly Pear:
Dad, I'm prairie-dogging!

Kimberly Pear:
Look dad, I'm Mrs. Hitler!

Kimberly Pear:
Dad, it's been a living hell.

Donald Sinclair:
You haven't missed much, we're just cutting to the chase [Chuckles] "Cutting to the chase" [Laughs hysterically, then sees everyone else is silent] Eh, you'll all laugh later.

Donald Sinclair:
Now, as you all know, the odds of winning the state lottery or a jackpot at one of our casinos are astronomical, I mean, millions-to-one; the average sensible person doesn't even bother. However, today you have the chance of playing a game where the odds of winning are one-in-six. One...in...six. That's one throw...[Tosses a dice onto the table] of the dice.

Donald Sinclair:
And, they're off!

Enrico Polinni:
It's a race! It's a race! I hope I win!

Enrico Polinni:
Is a race! I am winning, I am winning! [slows down and falls asleep standing up in the middle of the hotel lobby]