Reaper

Ted:
I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?

Sam Oliver:
Please don't say that, Ted.

Ted:
And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?

Sam Oliver:
I think I want to stab myself.

Sam Oliver:
You stole mail?

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Yeah.

Ben:
Sock, that's a felony.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Well come on now, there's a fine line between a felony and doing something really super cool.

Ben:
That's true.

Sam Oliver:
Great, we need a password.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Oh, ah, try grumpy. It's a little pet name we had for, uh ...

Sam Oliver:
I don't want to know.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
A cat that we had, sicko. God. No, I was just kidding. It was totally the name for my junk.

Devil:
Get the girl. Get the soul. I don't care which, man, just pull that trigger. I'm tired of coddling you.

Sam Oliver:
You call what you put me through "coddling"?

Devil:
Oh, Sam. You have no idea.

Sam Oliver:
I think my brain just broke a little.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Never tell crazy that you're in it for the sex!

The Devil:
Did you know, beginning in the late 19th century, corporations were granted all the rights of the individual, but none of the annoying responsibilities. They lack, almost by design, any kind of moral compass, conscience, or compassion. Basically, corporations are a way to enact sociopathic behavior on a grand scale. In short, they're what makes this country so damn great.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Three dudes in a tent. Sexy.

Ben Gonzalez:
Well, is there any way you can prove she's not the Devil's daugher?

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
666

Sam Oliver:
What?

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
666 is the mark of the devil. If Cady is the Devil's daughter, she'll have that mark on her body. It's from that movie, The Omen.

Ben Gonzalez:
Well it's actually from the book of Revelations.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
They stole that? Why can't anything be original anymore?

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
You need a doctor! Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo and Dr. Captain Morgan, he has two titles!

Ben:
I'm gonna die dressed as a condom!

[Sam and Sock have just been assigned to a dreaded nighttime inventory]

Sam:
Well, that screws cart duty with Andi!

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
Inventory? I'll give him inventory, that little piece of dick! I hate him. I *hate him*! The stupid little haircut, and his dumb grin, his little weird eye...

Sam:
Which one's weird?

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
Both of them!

Sam:
[witnessing Sock fuming] Sock, are you all right?

[Sock grunts angrily]

Sam:
[tenderly] Hulk need a smash?

[Sock picks up a wooden chair, goes outside and proceeds to smash the chair into bits]

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
[accentuating each smash] Stupid... Ted... Work... Bench... Jessica... Alba!

Sam:
[confused] What's with Jessica Alba?

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
She thinks she's too good for me.

Sam:
Really?

Ben:
Oh, my God, we're gonna die dressed as condoms!

Sam:
Ben. Can you find Delaware on a map?

Andi:
I was saving to buy you a girlfriend. I assume you're okay with the plastic variety.

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
That is quite the bag o' batteries you got there, Josie. Feeling a little lonely these days?

Josie:
We're having blackouts, jackass. They're for my flashlight. And if I was lonely for you, I'd just get a pencil.

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
I feel like a giant condom.

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
There's nobody up here to kill.

Ben:
Except us.

Bert "Sock" Wysocki:
Point taken.

Sam:
Alright, so what should we do?

Ben:
Hunker down, cowboy up, fight the bastard until he's back in hell where he belongs.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Or we could run like little girls. That's my vote.

Ted:
So you'll stand by Bert Wysocki's assertion that you were attacked by ninjas last night?

Leon:
Tell me about your childhood.

Sam Oliver:
My parents sold my soul to the devil.

The Devil:
I invented therapy so that the wicked could justify their actions.

Sam Oliver:
See that guy over there? I just had a strange vision of him stabbing me.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
I just ate a strange cupcake.

Sam Oliver:
The paint mixer rodeo! That's one angry looking bull. You sure you're ready for this?

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
This is not my first time in the rodeo, Sam.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Gravity's my b*tch!

Ted:
What can you tell me about this can of wasted paint?

Andi:
It's leaking onto your desk.

Ted:
Well, congratulations, you have just incurred the wrath of Ted.

Sam Oliver:
Don't you have minions down in hell to keep track of these things? Like who's escaped recently? I don't know how it works, come on.

Devil:
Minions. You know who works for me in my central office? White collar criminals. They hate me. They hate their jobs. I'm lucky if I get coffee in the morning.

Sam Oliver:
God, you sound like Ted.

Devil:
Oh, that was harsh. Ted is a real douche bag.

Ted:
What, are you talking to yourself again, Sam? That is a sad, sad state of affairs, my friend. Because no one answers. Ever.

Ben:
My dad's super allergic, you know, I couldn't have any pets, so this little guy fills that void.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
You said I filled that void, Ben.

Ben:
I'm worried about Winston. He's innocent in all this.

Sam Oliver:
What about me, man? I'm an innocent. You're not feeding me pretzels and nestling me on your breast.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Okay, that's just gross.

Sam Oliver:
You put the contract for my soul with my third grade report card, and Mr Huggles?

Ben:
You're one freaky ass bird, who scared the crap out of me and now I can't be comfortable around birds ever again. I hope you know that.

Devil:
I never drink while I'll work. Clouds the mind.

Sam Oliver:
Maybe if you drank you'd be less of a dick.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Beta males are in right now.

Sam Oliver:
What is Ted doing?

Andi:
I put a note on his windshield. Says sorry, I hit your car.

Sam Oliver:
You hit Ted's car?

Andi:
Nope

Sam Oliver:
Who did?

Andi:
No one. But he's been looking for the damage for over ten minutes now.

Devil:
Life is too short to drink American beer!

Tony:
[Three demons are tearing Morgan apart] Oh, that's unfortunate... I just had these carpets cleaned!

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
If I feel the urge to trade my dignity for a little drowsy nasty I'll listen to Jewel or hit the porn drawer

The Devil:
[Self-complimenting enthusiastically] I am the Dark Lord of Asses!

Devil:
[pointing to a muscle-bound fireman washing the firetruck] There's your first fugitive. Broke out of Hell after 50 years for arson. [the fireman starts flexing] Oh, God, gag me. Look at that tool. Would you capture him already?

Devil:
Great job with the arsonist. Who's the hero, huh? You're the hero, man. Pat yourself on the back, and I have a present for you, for the next fugitive.

Sam:
So I have to do this forever?

Devil:
Well, I mean, technically, not forever. You're done when you die. Right? [Laughs]

Sam:
You're such a dick.

Devil:
Yes, I know.

Ted:
It's not about the ham! It's about self-respect.

Sam's dad:
There's something I... I have to tell you. I, uh, I probably should have told you this a long time ago. I, uh... Before you were born, your Mom and I... sold your soul to the Devil.

Sam:
Stay away from her. I swear to God...

Devil:
Swear to who? I don't play in the kiddie pool.

Sam:
Wait. So, they're not all little vacuums?

DMV Demon:
The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron. [laughs]

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed. I almost went.

Sam:
Ted says I'm on notice.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
So what? I live on notice.

Sam:
You can have the car!

Devil:
I don't want the car.

Sam:
You can have the car!

Devil:
Sam, I'm not a car-jacker. I'm the Devil!

Sam:
What? What?

Devil:
Your nametag's crooked.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
I'm biding my time. Okay? Like a snake. In the grass, ready to pounce.

Sam's dad:
Bad day?

Sam:
Let's see, um, got chased by a pack of dogs, moved an air conditioner with my mind - oh and the Devil tried to carjack me, so overall, not a great day.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
How drunk are you?

Sam:
Totally sober.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
How drunk am I?

Ben:
I take it back, Sam, that's a really evil mini-vac.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him. Say yes. Just do it.

Devil:
Word of caution. I don't accept failure. Ever.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
You're evil.

Sam:
I've heard.

Bert 'Sock' Wysocki:
Yes! Yes, bi-atch! You are Neo, you're The One! Eat it, Heatmiester! Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life. I, that's not what I meant. Um.

Sam:
So I have to do this forever.

Devil:
Well, yeah. Well I mean technically not forever. You're done when you die, right?

The Devil:
What? You don't like banana splits? What are you - some kind of commie?

The Devil:
Who says "no" to ice cream?

Ben Gonzalez:
Sometimes you gotta look reality in the face and say no!