Robin Hood

Clucky:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Marian:
Or forgetful.

Sis:
Oh, he's so handsome... just like his reward posters.

Hiss:
Sire! Sire! They may be bandits.

Prince John:
Oh, poppycock. Female bandits? What next? Rubbish.

King Richard:
Oh, Friar Tuck. It appears that I now have an outlaw for an in-law.

Little John:
You're burning the chow!

Robin Hood:
Sorry, Johnny. I guess I was thinking about Maid Marian again. I can't help it. I love her, Johnny.

Little John:
Look, why don't ya stop moanin' and mopin' around? J-Just marry the girl.

Robin Hood:
Marry her? You don't just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet and say, "Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?" No, it just isn't done that way.

Little John:
Ah, come one, Robby. Climb the castle walls. Sweep her off her feet. Carry her off in style.

Robin Hood:
It's no use, Johnny. I've thought it all out, and it just wouldn't work. Besides, what have I got to offer her?

Little John:
Well, for one thing, you can't cook.

Robin Hood:
I'm serious Johnny. She's a highborn lady of quality.

Little John:
So she's got class. So what?

Robin Hood:
I'm an outlaw. That's what. That's no life for a lovely lady. Always on the run. What kind of a future is that?

Friar Tuck:
Oh, for heaven's sake, son. You're no outlaw. Why, someday, you'll be called a great hero.

Robin Hood:
A hero? Did you hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned!

Little John:
Oh, that's a gas. We ain't even been arrested yet.

Hiss:
It's him! It's Robin Hood! I just can't wait til I tell his Majesty (Tuck fires bow at balloon and Hiss falls in a barrel) Unhand me you (Tuck traps him inside with a cork top) Please! Please! I don't drink! (You do now Sir Fizz)

Captain:
Attention everyone the final contestants are the honorable Sheriff of Nottingham!

Little John:
You know somethin', Robin. I was just wonderin', are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh… Our robbin' the rich to feed the poor.

Robin Hood:
Rob? Tsk tsk tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it.

Little John:
Borrow? Boy, are we in debt.

Prince John:
I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death!

Marian:
Oh, no. Please. Please, sire. I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy.

Prince John:
My dear, emotional lady, why should I?

Marian:
Because I love him, Your Highness.

Prince John:
Love him? And does this prisoner return your love?

Robin Hood:
Marian, my darling, I love you more than life itself.

Robin Hood:
Faint hearts never won fair lady.

Prince John:
Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester?

Hiss:
And you? Who might you be, sir?

Little John:
I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid.

Prince John:
Mother... Mother always did like Richard best.

Hiss:
I tried to tell you, but no, no, no, you wouldn't listen. Your traps just never work. And now look what you've done to your mother's castle.

Prince John:
Robbed! I've been robbed! Hiss! You're never around when I need you! I've been robbed.

Hiss:
Of *course* you've been robbed!

Little John:
Hey! Who's drivin' this flyin' umbrella?

Alan-A-Dale:
You know, there's been a heap of legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks of the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what *really* happened in Sherwood Forest.

Prince John:
Taxes! Taxes! Beautiful, lovely taxes!

Hiss:
S-Sire, you have an absolute skill for encouraging contributions from the poor.

Sheriff of Nottingham:
"Criminently", Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way.

Trigger:
Don't you worry none, Sheriff. The safety's on Old Betsy.

Sheriff of Nottingham:
What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain?

Trigger:
Just doin' my duty, Sheriff.

Sheriff of Nottingham:
Oh, you and that itchy trigger finger of yours.

Robin Hood:
That's all of them. Get going!

Friar Tuck:
This ain't no hayride. Let's move it outta here.

Little John:
On to Sherwood Forest!

Little John:
Aw, how about that for luck? It's only a circus! A peanut operation!

Robin Hood:
Peanuts? Why, you dunce, that's the royal coach! It's Prince John himself!

Little John:
The prince? Wait a minute, there's a law against robbing royalty. I'll catch you later.

Robin Hood:
What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty?

Little John:
[groan] Well - here we go again...

Mother Rabbit:
Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you?

Robin Hood:
I only wish I could do more. [hands her a small bag of gold] Here. And keep your chin up. Soon there'll be happiness in Nottingham again, you'll see.

Prince John:
One more hiss out of you, eh, er, uh, Hiss, and you are walking to Nottingham.

Hiss:
[mutters] Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there.

[Prince John raises his mirror to hit Hiss on the head]

Hiss:
Ah, ah, ah! 7 years bad...[the prince hits him, smashing the mirror] Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror.

Prince John:
[screams] Mummy! [sucks thumb] I've got a dirty thumb.

Hiss:
And you...who might you be, sssir?

Little John:
I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. [stuffs Hiss' hat over his mouth] And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. [to the prince] And now, your mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you. [stoops to kiss Prince John's hand]

Prince John:
No, no, no, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way. Please sit down.

Little John:
[sits on Hiss] Thanks, PJ, you can't get a better seat than this, the royal box...hey...what...who? [Pulling out Hiss] Oh, uh, excuse me, Buster.

Hiss:
Buster?! You, sir, have taken my seat!

Prince John:
[laughs] Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester?

Little John:
You heard his mightiness! Move it, Creepy, get lost. Begone, long one.

Hiss:
What cheek. Creepy, Buster, Long One? Who does that dopey duke think he is?

Robin Hood:
[dressed as gypsy] Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune tellers!

Little John:
[also dressed as gypsy] Fortunes forecast, lucky charms!

Robin Hood:
Catch the dope, with your horoscope!

Prince John:
Fortune tellers, how droll. Stop the coach!

Hiss:
Sssire, sire, they may be bandits.

Prince John:
Oh, poppycock! Female bandits? What next...rubbish... [to Robin Hood and Little John] My dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands, whichever you like... first.

Robin Hood:
Oh, how gracious - [kisses hand and removes large ring] - and generous.

Robin Hood:
And for our honeymoon? England?

Maid Marian:
Yes!

Robin Hood:
Normandy?

Maid Marian:
Yes!

Robin Hood:
Sunny Spain?

Maid Marian:
Oh, why not?

Lady Cluck:
Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John!

Little John:
Yeah!!! [sings] Oh, the world will sing

Of an English king

A thousand years from now,

And not because

He passed some laws

Or had that lofty brow.

While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,

We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!

Incredible as he is inept,

Whenever the history books are kept

They'll call him the Phony King of England!

Friar Tuck:
A pox on the Phony King of England!

Little John:
He stands alone

On a giant throne,

Pretending he's the King.

A little tyke

Who's rather like

A puppet on a string!

And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way,

And then he calls for Mom,

While he's sucking his thumb

You see, he doesn't wanna play.

Too late to be known as John the First,

He's sure to be known as John the Worst.

A pox on that Phony King of England!

Little John:
While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread

King Richard's crown

Keeps slipping down

Around that pointed head

Ah, but while there is a merry man in Robin's wily pack

We'll find a way

To make him pay

And steal our money back.

A minute before he knows we're there,

Old Rob'll snatch his underwear...

[the Sheriff of Nottingham has just taken the only coin out of the church's Poor Box]

Friar Tuck:
Now, just a minute, Sheriff! Th-th-th-that's the Poor Box!

Sheriff:
It sure is, and I'll take it for poor Prince John. [chuckles] Every little bit helps.

Female Church Mouse:
Ooh, you put that back!

Sheriff:
And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister.

Friar Tuck:
You thieving scoundrel!

Sheriff:
[reasonably] Now, take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty.

Friar Tuck:
Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?!

Sheriff:
[starting to lose patience] Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose.

Friar Tuck:
GET OUTTA MY CHURCH!! [pushes the Sheriff out] Out! Out! Out! Out! [Attacking the Sheriff with a stick] You want taxes? I'll give you taxes!

Male Church Mouse:
Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar!

[Trigger blinds Friar Tuck with the hood of his coat and the Sheriff puts his head in a shackle]

Sheriff:
You're under arrest for high treason to the crown!

Hiss:
Sssire...taxes are pouring in, the jails are full, and - OH! I have good news, sire... Friar Tuck is in jail!

Prince John:
[throwing money everywhere] FRIAR TUCK?! It's ROBIN HOOD I want, you idiot! Oh, I would give all my gold if I could just get my hands on that - [pauses, turning to Hiss] Did you say Friar Tuck?

Hiss:
Did I? Y-y-yes, I did.

Prince John:
Ah. Hiss - I have it. I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood!

Friar Tuck:
Oh, for heaven's sake, son! You're no outlaw! Why, some day you'll be called a great hero!

Robin Hood:
A hero? You hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned!

Little John:
That's a gas, we ain't even been arrested yet!

Lady Cluck:
Down with that scurrrrvy Prince John!

Little John:
Yeah!!! [sings] Oh, the world will sing

Of an English king

A thousand years from now,

And not because

He passed some laws

Or had that lofty brow.

While bonny good King Richard leads the great crusade he's on,

We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothing John!

Incredible as he is inept,

Whenever the history books are kept

They'll call him the Phony King of England!

Friar Tuck:
A pox on the Phony King of England!

Little John:
The breezy and uneasy king of England!

The snivellin' grovellin',

Measly weasly,

Blabberin' jabberin',

Gibberin' jabberin',

Blunderin' plunderin',

Wheelin' dealin',

Prince John, that phony King of England!

Yeah!

[Robin Hood finds Little John and looks at the door]

Little John:
We can't let them hang Friar Tuck.

Robin Hood:
[taking out his glasses] A jail break tonight is the only chance he's got.

Little John:
A Jail break! There ain't no way you can get there-

Robin Hood:
We've got to Johnny... [takes out his beggar hat and looks at the door worried as the scene fades out] Or Friar Tuck dies at dawn.

Prince John:
[Robin Hood and Skippy mock him after another trap failed] Oh, no! It's so miserably unfair!

Hiss:
Well, I tried to tell you, but no, no, no. You wouldn't listen. Your traps just never work. And NOW, look what you've done to your mother's castle.

Prince John:
[notices the castle is burns, horrified] AAAAAGH!!! Mommy!? [sucks his thumb, then loses his temper and starts chasing Hiss around with a plank] Hold still!

Hiss:
Sire, no!

Prince John:
You cowardly cobra!

Hiss:
Please! Oh, no!

Prince John:
Procrastinating python!

Hiss:
Mercy!

Prince John:
[overlapped by Hiss] Aggravating asp!

Hiss:
Save me! Oooooh!

Prince John:
You eel in snake's clothin'!

Hiss:
[flees into the castle with Prince John, still sucking his thumb, in pursuit] Help! He's gone stark raving MAAAAAD!!!!!

Alan-a-Dale:
There I thought we'd never get rid of those two rascals! But lucky for us, folks, King Richard returned, and… well, he just straightened everything out.