Roger Roger

Phil:
Look Marilyn - you're a woman...

Marilyn:
You bet I am! Ask the 1975 Millwall defence!

Barry #2:
[on why he failed his driving test the second time] Right... she was a lesbian. There was no way she was gonna let me pass cos I was a man.

Cambridge:
[sighing wearily] And how did you *know* she was a lesbian?

Barry #2:
She had cropped hair, funny shoes and she didn't even *scream* like a woman!

Sam:
[to his drivers] Keep an eye on the clock, cock!

Baz:
Did you go to your reading class yesterday?

Marlon:
What reading class?

Baz:
Miss Simmons sent you a letter telling you there was an extra remedial reading class.

Marlon:
But I can't even spell remedial...

Sam:
[of Phil and Chrissie] Lovely couple. Very much in love. Think the world of their children.

Dexter:
[of Chrissie] Yeah - nice arse.

Sam:
[of business partner Dexter and his wife Tina] I can't go to dinner with them on my own. He's just had a nervous breakdown and she's a cheerleader for Stupid United!

Tina:
I think you'd love Barbados, Reen! I really wish you could afford to go! Because I think it's you. It's got class. Do you know what I mean, Reen? And you can't buy class. It comes from within. Now me, I've got it in bucketfuls. It's just knowing what to wear, where to eat and what to listen to. Do you like Whitney Houston?

Reen:
Er... yes.

Tina:
Ya see! You've got class as well, Reen... I just wish you wouldn't hide it!

Tina:
I said to one of them waiters [on holiday in Barbados] you know, in many ways, you're lucky your grandparents were slaves!

Reen:
Sorry, Tina? Lucky?

Tina:
Well yeah, otherwise he wouldn't be living in a beautiful place like Barbados, would he? He'd be stuck in some dead and alive hole in Africa! And I don't care what anybody says: Africa is not me!

Sam:
No. But it most probably would have been him. What with his being African, if you catch my drift!

Reen:
And I don't think he'd share your views on his grandparents picking the lucky ticket for the free cruise!

Tina:
Oh, I didn't mean it like that. I know it wasn't nice. I know it was hard work...

Cher:
[to her grandmother, pointing at a bucket on the floor] Daddy says if you kick that, we can go to Disneyworld!

Baz:
[to a waiter at the Chinese restaurant, about his date] I was just in the middle of telling her what happens to registered and recorded mail when she remembered she'd left the gas on and had to go back home to check!

Sam:
There are certain things you never hear nor see: a beggar without a little dog, a fat vampire and a cabbie that talks sense.

Cambridge:
I'm not going to be a minicab driver for long. I've got a university degree.

Sam:
What in?

Cambridge:
Greek History.

Sam:
You're gonna be a minicab driver for bloody years, son.

Sam:
[on Dexter's nervous breakdown] Dexter is not intelligent enough to have a breakdown. And as for nervous - we're talking about the man who once, for a bet, went into a mosque and shouted: 'Minicab for Mr Rushdie!'

Chrissie:
We live in a grotty little rented flat! You drive for Cresta Cabs and I work as a waitress at Planet Cricklewood, but we've never got any money to spend on ourselves because you waste it all away on guitars and speakers and stereos and electric recording equipment!

Phil:
Yeah, but...

Chrissie:
...and stupid leather clothes so you can look like Bono! Well you might look like Bono from a distance, but you sure as hell don't bloody sound like him!

Chrissie:
[reeling off Phil's misdemeanours] And then there was that snake in the freezer! I open it to do the girls some tea and there's a bloody great python staring at me!

Phil:
It was dead!

Chrissie:
I didn't know it was dead! It wasn't holding a death certificate!

Chrissie:
My dad always used to say... some get the magic, some get the tragic.

Phil:
[about his debt from a recording studio] I've told you. Don't worry about it.

Chrissie:
Don't worry about it! You've got a firm of debt collectors after you for ?6,750 plus costs and you say *don't worry about it*!

Rajiv:
Basil. There's a singles bar down Hamwell Street...

Barry #2:
[jeering] Yeah, just mention Rajiv's name!

Rajiv:
[calmly] I've never been there, I wouldn't be seen dead in the place. Just thought it would be of interest to Basil.

Eve:
Do you remember saying to me once that love ruined your life?

Baz:
No.

Eve:
Oh. Wasn't that you? Well, someone said it. What was it you said ruined *your* life?

Baz:
I don't know. Being born I think.

Eve:
[slurring drunkenly] Before he left me, Jean-Paul taught me everything. And when I say everything, Cecil...

Baz:
Basil.

Eve:
...I mean *ev-ery-thing*! Some things I wouldn't even talk about now.

Baz:
I understand. It must have been very painful for you.

Eve:
Only the first time.

Sam:
[of Tina] Her conversation reaches parts of the brain intelligent people consider no-go-areas. A kind of cerebal Afghanistan.

Cambridge:
[to Barry, who is reading a porn mag] Even the pages of your Radio Times stick together.