Ron White: Behavioral Problems

[about being arrested for possession of marijuana]

Ron White:
When I have seven-eights of an gram of weed, I consider myself out of weed.

Ron White:
We find ourselves, folks, in the middle of a war we can't afford, financially. I won't address any other aspects of the war this evening, but it is time to refit the biggest army the world has ever seen, and here's the problem: we're BROKE, heh. We ain't got no money. We're still writing checks like you do in real life. Just praying to God that someone will cash one of these useless sons of b*tches, ya know? We're $17 trillion dollars in debt, ya still got a checkbook, really? [pretends to write check] Seems like eventually somebody's gonna take that checkbook away, doesn't it? And you know what? China's cashing our checks and that's not a good plan for this country, mark my word. And they can't figure the fay to fund this war and I came up with a GREAT idea that nobody'll listen to, well, you're about to the listen to it because of you're proximity to the speaker system. I was just down in Coco Beach, Florida. And just a south of Coco Beach, Florida, is a huge air force base, that takes up about 115,000 acres of oceanfront property. They have military housing on the beach. Major Nelson didn't have oceanfront property and he was an astronaut with a motherf***in' genie. If ya gotta' have oceanfront, join the navy, that's all I'm saying. And back that base up 15 miles and let us sell this asset to help pay for this war effort. We can sell it to Israel. They've got a lot of cash, they need a place to stay, that sh*t ain't workin' out for them over there. And it's the only part of Florida they don't already own. And we take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and FLIP IT! Now, we'll have to send down some painters and landscapers 'cause they're all up here. And when they're gone, you're gonna wonder where the f*** they went. 'Cause ya ain't wanna do this sh*t yourself, not if you're anything like me. We sell Mexico to a country that can put a ton of cash down, but you know they can't make the payments, like Peru. Peru has billions and billions of US dollars, they do. In cash in banks all over Peru. It's our cocaine money they tricked us out of. I mean, it's your cocaine money they... tricked you out of. We get all that money back, billions of dollars, billions. And then, we finance the balance of Mexico to Peru. Right? And we let them get behind on the payments. We repossess Mexico and now, we have Mexico free and clear. New paint, new shrubs. And with all that cocaine money, we start buying countries south of Mexico. We buy them all. We buy Belize, Honduras, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Costa Rica, and every time you buy one of those countries, that long ass wall this country needs to build gets a little f***in' shorter, doesn't it? Until eventually, we buy back the Panama Canal, which we built, anyway, stand there and go "SWIM THIS, B*TCH!"

Ron White:
At our bank, there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say, "No dogs." So, I took my dogs over there. This guy comes waddlin' out of the bank with a big scowl on his face, and he goes, "The sign says 'no dogs'." I said, "The sign's wrong. That sign should say 'two dogs'."

Ron White:
[discussing a trip to London] The food's awful. It is awful, too. They took us to a place called "The Fox and the Hound," and I'm pretty sure that's what we were eatin'.

Ron White:
I bought my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I got to admit that I've had a lot of fun playin' with these things. I haven't given 'em to her, yet.

Ron White:
She goes, "That's not funny." How would I know? [puffs cigar] Why would I even have an opinion on what might be found humorous in America today? Certainly not my line of work. I sell shrimp out of a van.

[last lines]

Ron White:
I guess because so many women are going into outer space, they've just allotted $10 million for a study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from P.M.S. to have her menstrual cycle in zero gravity. I'm like, "Hell, yeah, there are dangers. In a weightless environment, the psycho b*tches can fly." Thank you so much for coming. Bless you. You guys were super fantastic. Thank you so much.

[first lines]

Ron White:
Thank you Seattle. Thank you and welcome, and thank you for a day without rain. I don't know how that happened.

Ron White:
Tell you this story. My uncle came over to my house the other day. My uncle, used to be the president of the Southern Baptist Convention. His name is Dr. Charles Parlard and he's a triple doctorate. He's a doctorate of Theology, Psychology and Philosophy. In which, although, I still make more money than he does. He's a great man. He came over to my house and saw me drinking and I don't usually drink, in which, you might know about me already. He looks at me and goes "Son, you are never gonna find the answers to your problems from the bottom of that bottle." And I was like " I know. That's why I'm gonna buy another one. I knew that son of a b*tch was a dud, the minute I laid eyes on it. Look at that no answer piece of sh*t. Take me to the liquor store, I got some questions."