Ron White: Behavioral Problems2009

Ron White:
We find ourselves, folks, in the middle of a war we can't afford, financially. I won't address any other aspects of the war this evening, but it is time to refit the biggest army the world has ever seen, and here's the problem: we're BROKE, heh. We ain't got no money. We're still writing checks like you do in real life. Just praying to God that someone will cash one of these useless sons of b*tches, ya know? We're $17 trillion dollars in debt, ya still got a checkbook, really? [pretends to write check] Seems like eventually somebody's gonna take that checkbook away, doesn't it? And you know what? China's cashing our checks and that's not a good plan for this country, mark my word. And they can't figure the fay to fund this war and I came up with a GREAT idea that nobody'll listen to, well, you're about to the listen to it because of you're proximity to the speaker system. I was just down in Coco Beach, Florida. And just a south of Coco Beach, Florida, is a huge air force base, that takes up about 115,000 acres of oceanfront property. They have military housing on the beach. Major Nelson didn't have oceanfront property and he was an astronaut with a motherf***in' genie. If ya gotta' have oceanfront, join the navy, that's all I'm saying. And back that base up 15 miles and let us sell this asset to help pay for this war effort. We can sell it to Israel. They've got a lot of cash, they need a place to stay, that sh*t ain't workin' out for them over there. And it's the only part of Florida they don't already own. And we take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and FLIP IT! Now, we'll have to send down some painters and landscapers 'cause they're all up here. And when they're gone, you're gonna wonder where the f*** they went. 'Cause ya ain't wanna do this sh*t yourself, not if you're anything like me. We sell Mexico to a country that can put a ton of cash down, but you know they can't make the payments, like Peru. Peru has billions and billions of US dollars, they do. In cash in banks all over Peru. It's our cocaine money they tricked us out of. I mean, it's your cocaine money they... tricked you out of. We get all that money back, billions of dollars, billions. And then, we finance the balance of Mexico to Peru. Right? And we let them get behind on the payments. We repossess Mexico and now, we have Mexico free and clear. New paint, new shrubs. And with all that cocaine money, we start buying countries south of Mexico. We buy them all. We buy Belize, Honduras, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Costa Rica, and every time you buy one of those countries, that long ass wall this country needs to build gets a little f***in' shorter, doesn't it? Until eventually, we buy back the Panama Canal, which we built, anyway, stand there and go "SWIM THIS, B*TCH!"