Roxanne

Mayor Deebs:
I'd rather be with you people than the finest people in the world!

Mayor Deebs:
I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world.

Roxanne Kowalski:
You know, I've been thinking about what attracted me to Chris. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true, at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that, was it? It was you. You and your nose. Charlie, you have a big nose! You have a beautiful, great big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Well?

C.D. Bales:
Are you kidding?

C.D. Bales:
Here's your racket.

Dixie:
Thanks. What's this stuff on it, Vitalis?

C.D. Bales:
Oh no, it's blood.

C.D. Bales:
Where's my tea?

Dixie:
Bernie! You want to tell me about it?

C.D. Bales:
You're too young.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Nobody had a coat?

C.D. Bales:
I thought you said you didn't want a coat...

Roxanne Kowalski:
Why would I not want a coat?

C.D. Bales:
You said you didn't want a coat!

Roxanne Kowalski:
I was being ironic.

C.D. Bales:
Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.

C.D. Bales:
I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

C.D. Bales:
I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm.

Andy:
That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.

C.D. Bales:
Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see... Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card.

Dixie:
Want anything? A drink?

C.D. Bales:
Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.

Chris McConnell:
Your breasts, they're like melons. No, no, they're like pillows. Can I fluff your pillows?

C.D. Bales:
It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts!

Sandy:
He's got a great ass.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Too bad it's on his shoulders.

Chris McConnell:
What am I afraid of her for? She's no rocket scientist.

C.D. Bales:
Well, actually, she is a rocket scientist.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Just get out! Go on, get out!

C.D. Bales:
Wait a second, I am out. You get in!

Roxanne Kowalski:
No, get out!

C.D. Bales:
Get in. Go on, get off the porch. Go on get off the porch.

Roxanne Kowalski:
I have nothing against cute. I just wish I could meet someone with half a brain this time.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Maybe you'd like some wine with your nose? Cheese.

Dixie:
Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?

Roxanne Kowalski:
Richard.

Dixie:
When's he coming?

Roxanne Kowalski:
He's not. He's not coming.

Dixie:
What happened?

Roxanne Kowalski:
We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.

Sandy:
Oh, I did that once. It was great.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Well, if I do change my mind, you'll know because my breasts will be heaving and moist with perspiration.

Roxanne Kowalski:
When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting.

C.D. Bales:
You wanna know why? Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass!

Roxanne Kowalski:
You even got me in bed.

C.D. Bales:
Yeah. Yeah, what about that? You went to bed with him on your first date.

Roxanne Kowalski:
Only because you seduced me. I would have never gone to bed with him otherwise.

C.D. Bales:
You still went to bed with him awfully fast! A few frilly words and you're counting ceilling tiles.

Roxanne Kowalski:
I don't even consider that I went to bed with him!

C.D. Bales:
Well, somebody was up there, and it's for goddamn sure it wasn't me!

C.D. Bales:
But my point is you can't run a fire department with the seven banana Brothers. You need professionals.

Mayor Deebs:
I want something that says action with style. Kind of a GQ firefighter.

C.D. Bales:
I'm tired of having a magnificient, fabulous, interesting nose. I want a cute little, petite, little button nose. Give me the American Beauty, Dave.

C.D. Bales:
Do you know the phrase carpe diem?

Chris McConnell:
It's, it's fish, fish bait, right?

C.D. Bales:
Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, or wondering if one exists, that's sort of a shading type of arrangement. Do you have anything like that, that would be in a... er, shading area?

Cindy:
Well, we have lots of lots of blushes and things. What specifically is it for?

C.D. Bales:
She has this... feature, that she would like to, uh, you know, de-emphasize.

Cindy:
I see. She has this - extra large feature? And, uh, she wants something to make it look a little smaller?

C.D. Bales:
Exactly.

Cindy:
Well, I think a dark contour would be fine.

C.D. Bales:
Great, great. Now, how would she go about, you know, applying this... thing?

Cindy:
Well, she would... she would just shade the area of the, uh, feature, to make it appear that there were more shadows, and less actual - well, less actual acreage - I mean area.

C.D. Bales:
I'll take it.

C.D. Bales:
Let's take a look at that letter...

Chris McConnell:
I think it's really good!

C.D. Bales:
"Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."

C.D. Bales:
Where am I?

Nina:
You're in Nelson.

C.D. Bales:
Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home!

C.D. Bales:
Bye! What day is it?

Nina:
Friday. "Dallas" is on.

C.D. Bales:
Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time!

Dottie:
What?

C.D. Bales:
The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me.

Lydia:
I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?

C.D. Bales:
Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this:

C.D. Bales:
Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me.

Dottie:
At Roxanne's house?

C.D. Bales:
That's where they are right now!

Dottie:
Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go.

C.D. Bales:
You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women.

Nina:
Why?

C.D. Bales:
Because they wanted to have sex with them.

Sophie:
Where?

C.D. Bales:
Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing."

Lydia:
We do!

Sophie:
It's been so long!

Dottie:
Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women?

Dottie:
Let's go and check it out!

C.D. Bales:
I am. But if you you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.

Ralston:
Man, whatever you do, don't stare.

Chris:
Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.

Jerry:
None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.

Ralston:
Then you think, "It's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "This is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."

Chris:
[laughs] Thanks, guys, all right.

Ralston:
Don't say we didn't warn you.

C.D.:
You must know about M31.

Roxanne:
Yeah.

C.D.:
Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.

Roxanne:
Do you know how many objects are up there?

C.D.:
Well, I know it's over fifty.

C.D.:
[challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got the whole world ...

Everyone:
[singing] In his nose!

C.D.:
Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?

Dean:
Fourteen, Chief!

C.D.:
Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped. [he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on] All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

Man:
You smart-assed son-of-a-b*tch! [swings and misses at C. D.]

C.D.:
You flat-faced, flat-nosed, flat-head. [punches man and walks away] [to Dixie] Has he fallen yet?

[The man falls and everyone applauds]

Roxanne:
When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting.

C.D.:
You wanna know why? 'Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass!

Roxanne:
You even got me in bed.

C.D.:
Yeah. Yeah, what about that? You went to bed with him on your first date.

Roxanne:
Only because you seduced me. I would have never gone to bed with him otherwise.

C.D.:
You still went to bed with him awfully fast! A few frilly words and you're counting ceiling tiles.

Roxanne:
I don't even consider that I went to bed with him!

C.D.:
Well, somebody was up there, and it's for goddamn sure it wasn't me!

Roxanne:
When I close my eyes, I see you again and again. Your eyes, your face. The way you walk. And your style. Your wit. And your nose, Charlie... I went inside and I thought what it was about Chris that attracted me. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true - at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that to me. It was you. All these other men, Charlie, they've got flat, featureless faces. No character! No fire! No nose! Charlie - you have a big nose. You have a beautiful, great, big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie. Well?

C.D.:
[somersaults off the roof of the house] Are you kidding? [with some difficulty, they kiss]