Santa Barbara

Courtney:
Mason, you look wonderful in your tux.

Mason:
But not as lovely as you two ladies. What did you do, Madeline, mug a chandelier on the way in?

Ted:
Oh, come on Julia, haven't you ever been in love?

Julia:
Yes. I've also had scarlet fever and the measles. Ask me which one I liked best.

Lionel Lockridge:
The doctor says I'm going to live.

Augusta Lockridge:
Am I to be spared nothing?

C.C.:
They ought to call my biography, "The Man Whose Wives Refuse To Die."

Augusta Lockridge:
Laken, I know I raised you to be cheerful and always look on the bright side of things, but forget about all that right now because this is a time of crisis!

Gina:
I only blackmail people who can afford it! I know what I'm doing!

Gina:
I stole his sperm.

Lily:
You WHAT?

Gina:
You heard me! I don't want to repeat it!

Lily:
What - did you follow him around with a little bottle until...

Gina:
No, no, no, it wasn't like that! I got a job at a sperm bank where I knew he made a deposit and I simply... made a... withdrawal.

Julia Wainwright Capwell:
No, Gracie, you can't push yet! Not 'til the baby's head's out!

Mason:
Julia, if the woman wants to push...

Julia Wainwright Capwell:
What'd you do, get a uterus for Christmas?

[Struggling to come up with nice things to say about Gina]

Mason:
Well, I never actually saw her pull the wings off butterflies.

Lionel Lockridge:
Let's talk about trust. We used to have that.

Augusta Lockridge:
Yes. We also used to have a Studebaker.

Andrea Bedford:
I keep trying to say goodbye to my father, but its like writing in invisible ink, you know? It doesn't take.

Mason:
Someday I think it would be amusing if great historians debated who was worse CC Capwell or Attila the Hun.

Gina:
Mason be nice. Act normal for a change.

Mason:
Nice isn't normal for me.

Augusta Lockridge:
[after an earthquake has caught her and husband Lionel during sex in a cave] Darling, did the earth move for you, too?

Augusta Lockridge:
[to Lionel when he's denying anything happened with Eden Capwell on his boat] You are an aging over-sexed fool!