Scenic Route

Mitchell:
What the hell are you doing, driving us through the middle of nowhere?

Carter:
We're taking the scenic route, remember?

Mitchell:
By scenic I was thinking, I don't know, more trees, mountains, people. [indicating the map] Dots a lot closer together.

Carter:
By scenic I meant... rarely seen. [breaths deeply]

Mitchell:
I'm gonna get you a dictionary when I get back.

Mitchell:
Blech! Oh, what flavor is this?

Carter:
Bacon and margarita.

Mitchell:
A 30 year old loser, living in his car, is about the last person that I'm going to be looking to for advice on how to fix my life. So unless you want to put out a book of "don't"s based on all of the ways you've screwed up, which is the only thing you're ever likely to publish, you should probably just shut the f*** up.

Carter:
You look like a goddamn horror movie extra!

Mitchell:
Let's remember why I look like this. This, this was your idea. Oh, "what am I afraid of, what could it hurt." Well, there ya go. That is exactly why you can't have a Mohawk in the real world.

Carter:
I gave you a haircut, not a lobotomy!

Mitchell:
Are you telling me that you're not at all suspicious that things have gone so smoothly?

Carter:
Suspicious? No, I'm stunned, I'm impressed. But I'm not suspicious.

Mitchell:
Well, maybe you should be. I mean, think about it, things could be just a little too good to be true, you know what I mean?

Carter:
Believe me, if I was making this up, there would be a lot more lottery winning and super models.

[last lines]

Carter:
[on the phone] If we're still out in the middle of desert somewhere, I just finished an imaginary book.

Mitchell:
Wow, that's really, really fast. So tell me how it ends.

Carter:
Well, that's the funny thing. [click]

Mitchell:
Carter? Carter... Piece of sh*t! [throws the phone done, and it starts ringing but there is no display]