She's the Man

Viola:
So, uh, you play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?

Viola:
[to Duke] What does you heart tell you? [pause] I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED!?

Viola:
You know how it is. New school, new babe pool.

Viola:
I'd tap that.

Viola:
[To Monique, breaking up with her] You're hot Monique, smokin' hot. But there are plenty of hot girls out there. And the truth is you have nothing else to offer! And when my eyes are closed, I see you for what you truly are, which is UUUG-LAY!

Duke:
[Quoting Coach] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

Duke:
[to Viola (as Sebastian)] Why, why do you always talk about girls in such graphic terms?

Duke:
Dude, come on, you're a guy, what would you do if the hottest girl in school came and asked you on a date?

Principal Gold:
[Seeing Olivia and 'Sebastian' meeting outside his office] What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not... is to not. Uh- [Pretending to respond to someone in his office] Hm? [Goes back inside his office]

Principal Gold:
[Handing 'Sebastian' his food at lunch] Have a great apple and sandwich! [The next student steps up and begins to ask for something] No.

Principal Gold:
[When asked where the Sebastian is] Well, he must be half way to China by now, he showed us his willis & doodleberries.

Principal Gold:
I think I played soccer once, or was it chess?

Coach Pistonek:
[When Viola and the other girls' team members insist he knows they're good enough to try out for the boys' soccer team] Um, I don't know, that that's a thing, that I know... now this isn't me talking... this is scientific fact. Girls can't beat boys!

Toby:
Okay, how come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw you guys. I hate high school.

Olivia:
[as Viola takes her place at the kissing booth] Beware. The old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.

Olivia:
[When Malcolm, telling her his tarantula is loose, says she should not feed it] Yes, because my first instinct would be to feed the turantula.

Monique:
[in response to Andrew's flirting] Ew, what are you, hitting on me? Let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.

Paul:
Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [pause] That came out wrong, but you know what I mean.

Justin:
[after he blocks a goal] That's right. Didn't score on me last half, won't score on this half! I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.

Daphne:
[After hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.

Viola:
Then why don't you date him, Mom?

Daphne:
[Pauses to fantasize, then giggles] Oh, no... I couldn't.

Viola:
I just can't do this.

Paul:
Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [Pause] That came out wrong but you know what I mean.

Andrew:
"Freshman dorms are that-a-way twiglet."

Toby:
"Yeah, seriously how old are you?"

Viola:
[as Sebastian] "I skipped a couple grades. Shh! I'm brilliant."

Coach Dinklage:
[about to assign teams for practice, one having their shirts on, the other off] OK, shirts and skins!

Viola:
Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.

Coach Dinklage:
What?!

Viola:
I'm allergic to the sun.

Coach Dinklage:
You're allergic to the sun.

Viola:
Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.

Coach Dinklage:
Well, we like to accomodate, here at Illyria, so I'll follow you around with a parasol. Alright, nancy-boy? [Marks his clipboard] You're a shirt.

Viola:
[as Sebastian] What does your heart tell you?

Duke:
What?

Viola:
I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED?

Olivia:
What's this? Poems?

Viola:
Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.

Olivia:
[reading] "Wake up I've been waiting for you". [Continues reading]

Olivia:
Those are really good. So honest.

Viola:
I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.

Malcolm:
I write songs too, Olivia.

Olivia:
Really? Wonderful.

Malcolm:
Check it out.

Malcolm:
[sings] I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside.

Duke:
[Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.

Viola:
[as Sebastian] Oh my God, you're hurt! [Clears throat] I mean, suck it up. Be a man and rub some dirt on it.

Duke:
All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...

Viola:
[as Sebastian] Eunice!

Viola:
[clears throat] Uh, Eunice! Why didn't you wake me up?

Eunice:
You looked so serene. [As 'Sebastian' hurriedly leaves] I made breakfast, darling!

Andrew:
"Dude, why do you have tampons in your boot?"

Viola:
[as Sebastian] "Uh, I get really bad nose bleeds?"

Duke:
" So you stick them up your nose?"

Viola:
"Yeah! You mea,n you've never done that? [guys shake heads] Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time!

Duke:
"No.

Viola:
"Look, I'll show you. You take that off.. and whatever that is.. and you just stick it right in. It absorbs right up!"

Viola:
(Singing) I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.

Malcolm:
[startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower! ...Did you not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.

[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]

Viola:
Sup dog?

Duke:
[Sarcastically]Yeah, what's kickin', homie?

Viola:
Later.

Duke:
Hey, you forgot, ew...

Duke:
This, coolio.

Viola:
Word, G-man.

Malcolm:
I am convinced he's hiding something.

Principal Gold:
Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-American, red-blooded male, just like yourself.

Viola:
[Walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to run away.

Principal Gold:
Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?

Malcolm:
No, sir, I...

Principal Gold:
Not that easy. Not that easy...

Principal Gold:
[Shouting through his megaphone directly into Malcom's ear] MALCOLM! CAN YOU SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE CURRENT SITUATION?

Malcolm:
[Also embarassed] No more than has already been shed, sir.

Coach Dinklage:
[Shouting, as he walks quickly over to where the Illyria and Cornwall players are fighting] Break it up. Break it up! [Grabs a Cornwall player and an Illyria player] Okay, tough guys. You want to box, then get out of my stadium. Or otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football! Like a bunch of girls!

Principal Gold:
[Through his megaphone, trying unsuccessfully to mimic Dinklage's charismatic voice] Yeah! Let's play some real football like a bunch of girls!

Viola:
I didn't think you'd show up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.

Groundskeeper:
I gotta turn the sprinklers on.

Duke:
Ok. Um do you like... cheese? [Snickers]

Sebastian:
[In a girl voice]Why yes, I do. My favorite's Gouda. [Poses and smiles]

Boys:
OOOOHHHH! OWWWW!

Viola (as Sebastian):
Huh? Oh. Right. OWWW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT BURNS!

Viola:
[as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? You must be my room-mates.

Duke:
[laughs]

[Viola clears throat]

Duke:
What-what's your name?

Viola:
Sebastian Hastings.

Duke:
Duke Orsino.

Viola:
[grunts]

Duke:
Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live next door.

Andrew:
Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.

Toby:
Seriously, how old are you?

Viola:
I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, you know when our soccer try-outs start?

Duke:
Noon. You play?

Viola:
Absolutely. Centre-forward. You know it, bra. So, uh, you play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?

Duke:
Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.

Viola:
Schveet!

Duke:
Ok, w-why do you have tampons in your boot?

Viola:
Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?

Andrew:
So you stick 'em up your nose?

Viola:
Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?

[Boys shake head]

Viola:
Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.

Duke:
Serious?

Viola:
Yes. Look, let me show you how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and you stick it right in. It absorbs right up!

Duke:
That's disgusting!

Andrew:
Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!

Coach Dinklage:
[tears up the manual containing the "no girls allowed" policy, before returning it to the referee] What manual? Listen, pal. Here at Illyria, we don't discriminate based on gender.