Silver Spoons

Mr. T:
[intercepts a note for Ricky from a girl] It's nothing, she thinks you're cute.

Ricky Stratton:
Why did my father send you here?

Mr. T:
Because he cares, face front.

Ricky Stratton:
At lunchtime, Dad, he even tasted my food.

Edward Stratton III:
Was that necessary, Mr. T?

Mr. T:
Look man, you hired me because I'm the best in the world, and I never lost a client. If there's a gun, I take the bullet, if there's a knife, I take the blade. I don't work for people I ain't willing to die for, and besides, that food in the cafeteria will kill ya!

Ricky Stratton:
He scared the classroom, he scared the school teacher, and worst of all he got a hundred on a history test!

Mr. T:
Hey man, I don't hold back for nobody!

Mr. T:
Who's Ox?

Ricky Stratton:
[points] The fat kid!

Miss Campbell:
Who can tell me what brought about the need for the Declaration of Independence? [Mr. T raises his hand, she looks for a kid to answer, Mr. T raises both hands] Yes.

Mr. T:
Simply put, the colonists were being unfairly taxed by the English crown; without having any input about into the way they were being governed, or as this is most commonly known, taxation without representation.

Edward Stratton III:
Mr. T is the best, I don't know why you don't like him.

Kate Summers:
Well, he scares me.

Edward Stratton III:
Kate he's just like me and you.

Kate Summers:
Edward, we don't have mohawks.

Edward Stratton III:
Kate it's not a mohawk, he's a descendant of the African Mandinka tribe, that's how they wear their hair.

Kate Summers:
Edward, we're in New York, it's a mohawk.

Larry:
Why is this happening to me? You're supposed to know how to be a good parent.

Edward Stratton III:
Who made that rule up? Nobody's born the perfect parent, I sometimes feel like by the time I learn all I need to know about being a father, I'll be a grandfather, then I'll have to learn that.

Larry:
What if I say no?

Edward Stratton III:
Then our only other choice to call in the police, and you'll be charged with child abuse, and Toby will go to a foster home.

Larry:
He's MY son, I don't think there's a court in the country that would take him away from me!

Edward Stratton III:
You could be right. I remember last year there was a kid came into the hospital who was pretty banged up. The doctor found out his father had been beating him; they reported him and the father went to court and he swore up and down that he would never do that again. So the judge gave him the benefit of the doubt. And then a month later, he lost control and hit his son again, found himself right back in court, only this time he was on trial for murder.

Ricky Stratton:
[breaks Kate's birthday present with his basketball] Oops.

Edward Stratton III:
[grabs Ricky by the arms] Rick, I told you NOT to dribble the ball in the house!

Ricky Stratton:
I'm sorry, Dad, it was an accident.

Edward Stratton III:
It was NOT an accident, son, you deliberately disobeyed me.

Ricky Stratton:
I'll pay you for it, you can take it out of my allowance.

Edward Stratton III:
I ought to take it out of your HIDE!

Kate Summers Stratton:
Edward, calm down!

Edward Stratton III:
Larry it's tough to be a father, every parent gets mad at their kids. Just the other day, Rick was dribbling a basketball in the house and I told him to stop, and he went ahead anyway and he broke something very valuable, and I was very furious. I had the urge to hit him.

Larry:
Did you?

Edward Stratton III:
No.

Larry:
Toby needs discipline, it's for his own good.

Edward Stratton III:
Larry, I believe in discipline but...

Larry:
You don't understand, I work 60 hours a week just to keep a roof over my kid's head, I come home bone tired, I look around and the dishes I asked Toby to do are still sitting in the sink. His bedroom that he promised to clean still looks like a pigsty. So I ask him about it, he looks up at me and says 'I forgot'. Well it's not enough to say 'I forgot'. It's a tough world out there and if all you've got is a bunch of lame excuses you'll never amount to a damn thing! Instead of whimpering and whining I should've shaped up, I should've done what I was told, but I didn't, it's no wonder my father was furious, it's no wonder he hit me, I mean I hit Toby!

Edward Stratton III:
Your father hit you?

Larry:
He loved me, and I loved him!... And I hate it. I don't want Toby to hate me.

Ricky Stratton:
Why do they always mess up a good war movie with all that mushy love stuff?

Freddy Lippincottleman:
Is it time to go to sleep?

Ricky Stratton:
Freddy, when you're sleeping over at a buddy's house, the last thing you do is actually sleep.

J.T. Martin:
Rick, we just GOT to see Naked Nurses from Outer Space.

Ricky Stratton:
We can't, J.T.

J.T. Martin:
Why not?

Ricky Stratton:
When my dad ordered the cable service, he had them put in a parental keylock device.

J.T. Martin:
A parental what?

Ricky Stratton:
This thing. Keeps kids like us from watching adults only type stuff.

Freddy Lippincottleman:
Boy, what a gyp!

J.T. Martin:
Yeah, personally I'm opposed to censorship.

Ricky Stratton:
Me too, especially when it comes to the work of important actresses like Candi Apple and Cinnamon Toast.

J.T. Martin:
Gentlemen, I hold in my hand the key, to X-stacy.

Ricky Stratton:
J.T. my dad's bedroom is right next to us, he's going to hear the T.V.

J.T. Martin:
Hey buddy, I just did a tango with death and won, I'm watching me some Naked Nurses.

Ricky Stratton:
Why isn't she wearing any clothes?

J.T. Martin:
Because the doctor's giving her an examination.

Ricky Stratton:
Okay... so why isn't the doctor wearing any clothes?

J.T. Martin:
Well you see, I think that has something to do with us not being allowed to watch this.

J.T. Martin:
Hey Rick, I want you to know, if you get a whooping for this, it was with it to me.

Edward Stratton III:
Ricky, before I went to bed I locked both televisions, so if you watched that movie you must've taken my keys... oh so THAT'S why you boys pulled that arm wrestling stunt.

Ricky Stratton:
There's a connection.

Ricky Stratton:
Dad, can I ask you a question?

Edward Stratton III:
Please.

Ricky Stratton:
I really wanted to see that movie tonight. Does that make me a... um, you know, a bad person?

Edward Stratton III:
No son, it makes you a curious person. And it's perfectly normal, after all it was only a few months ago I told you about the birds and the bees, and it's perfectly normal you might actually want to see... a bird, with a... with a, bee.

Ricky Stratton:
This movie had a Venusian nurse, and a doctor, except I don't think he was a real doctor.

Edward Stratton III:
Oh?

Ricky Stratton:
He had a battleship tattooed on his chest.

Ricky Stratton:
Me and the guys were joking around about it, but deep inside I was saying to myself 'eh, this is kind of gross', and watching something gross is pretty, you know, yucky.

Edward Stratton III:
Yeah I do know, that's what's the matter with movies like that. See son, lovemaking should be a beautiful, emotional and private moment, between two people who really care about each other.

Edward Stratton III:
Movies like that reduce lovemaking to purely physical, mechanical acts, and in my opinion they put down women, treat them like mindless sex objects.

Ricky Stratton:
Why do we get these movies on OUR TV?

Edward Stratton III:
Well it comes with the cable service. I ordered the cable service because I want to see recent movies without commercials, and to my surprise they, they also broadcast these skin flicks. See I have no choice, I want to watch a decent movie when I just have to order these sleazy movies at the same time. Are you buying this?

Ricky Stratton:
You're a grownup, I guess you can watch whatever you want.

Edward Stratton III:
Yes I can, son, but I don't choose to watch movies like this. And until you're old enough to make your own decisions I won't allow you to watch them either.

Evelyn Stratton:
Edward, I need a phone. [Edward points to the duck phone, she doesn't get it, he lifts the receiver] I refuse to speak into a duck!

Edward Stratton III:
Suit yourself.

Evelyn Stratton:
I need to use a phone, Miss Sombers.

Kate Summers:
That's Summers.

Evelyn Stratton:
Right.

Kate Summers:
The phone is right here. [a fish on the wall]

Evelyn Stratton:
That's a fish.

Kate Summers:
[lifts receiver] It's a fish phone.

Evelyn Stratton:
I'll use the phone in the limo.

Kate Summers:
Suit yourself.

Ricky Stratton:
If you're my friend, how come you stopped me from getting a motorcycle? I really wanted one!

Kate Summers:
Because a real friend doesn't just tell you the things that YOU want to hear. I worry about you having an accident on that motorcycle, and I will not apologize for worrying, because I LOVE you. [huff] Well, I just wanted to tell you how I feel.

Edward Stratton III:
Rick, your mom's taking you to Bernard's By the Bay, and they have a proper attire-ment requirement.

Ricky Stratton:
I don't like Bernard's By the Bay, Dad! $14 for a hamburger and it doesn't even come with a bun! The last time I was there I asked the waiter for some ketchup, and he looked at me like I'd just shot his dog.

Edward Stratton III:
Well you see, son, your mother is philosophically opposed to eating at any place that doesn't have valet parking.

Kate Summers:
In my opinion, motorcycles are very dangerous.

Edward Stratton III:
I agree on the streets, Kate, but we're going to be using them off the highway in the country.

Kate Summers:
But they're still dangerous. When I was 14 my cousin was riding his dirt bike through the woods, he hit a log, flew off the cycle and broke his neck. He was paralyzed for life.