Sister, Sister

Ray:
Money doesn't grow on trees

Tamera:
Yeah if it did, I'd be outside rakin'.

[Tamera is pouring chocolate sauce in her mouth]

Ray:
Tamera is that dessert or... a desperate cry for help?

[repeated line]

Tamera, Tia Mowry:
Go home, Roger!

Tia Landry:
So you're saying you've gota problem with me?

Tamera Campbell:
Isn't that what you're saying about me?

Tia Landry:
Well that's *exactly* what *I'm* saying!

Tamera Campbell:
Well, Since you can't stand being around me anymore, just let me have my space!

Tia Landry:
You know what, Tamera? Nothing would make me happier.

Tamera Campbell:
Good! 'Cause I never wanna see your ugly face again!

Tia Landry:
Then *Don't* look in the mirror!

Ray Campbell:
Morning.

Tia Landry, Tamera Campbell:
[Angrily] Morning!

Ray Campbell:
How's my two favorite girls?

Tia Landry, Tamera Campbell:
Fine!

Ray Campbell:
Okay... [to Tia, eating dry cereal after Tamera takes the milk] Honey, Would you like some milk?

Tia Landry:
[Through Mouthfuls] Nope, I like it *dry*

Tamera Campbell:
And I like My Milk *wet*! [takes her glass of milk]

Ray Campbell:
[the girls leave and he goes to pour some milk but there is none and is now annoyed] Well, I guess I like my coffee *black*!

Tyreke Scott:
[after hearing about old Jazz records] Miss Landry, I am dying to know; What is a 78?

Lisa Landry:
About how many seconds you got to get out my kitchen!

Tia Mowry:
Tamera, do I look like someone who would put on rollerblades, and skate around with someone named, Dinky Patterson?

Tamera:
Well, you look like me, and I'm going!

Lisa Landry:
[Ray and Tia come home from the renaissance fair] Tia, you look so cute. I wish I had my camera.

[to Ray, who is wearing a Wizard's hat]

Lisa Landry:
You look like a jackass.

Ray Campbell:
Hardeth-Ha-Ha, Lisa. If you understood history, you would know that this was the height of fashion around 1215.

Lisa Landry:
It's 5 o'clock and you still look like a jackass!

Tia Mowry:
You smell like puppies.

Tamera:
No I don't!

Tia Mowry:
Doesn't that cute guy work at the pet store? You've been down there today, haven't you?

Tamera:
Darn right I have, Tia! And we bottle fed the hamsters together!

Lisa Landry:
[Upon seeing Tia's school picture] OH. Well, honey, um... why's your head so big?

Tamera Campbell:
[they can't get a date] Are we freaks?

Tia Landry:
No, if we're 35 and still having this conversation, then we're freaks.

Ray Campbell:
[after Lisa walks in on him in the shower] I need my dignity, I need my privacy!

Lisa Landry:
Mr. Privacy, your dignity's showing.

Ray Campbell:
Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Lisa Landry:
You've been reading my diary.

Lisa Landry:
I feel bad for them but what can I do? I can't just go up to some boy and say 'Hey you, you better take out my daughter!', can I?

Tia Landry:
Your hair looks nice.

Tamera Campbell:
I look like Lenny Kravitz!

Ray:
[coming up with a song for his business] You need Ray, You need Ray, You need Ray!

Lisa Landry:
You need help, You need help, You need help!

Roger Evans:
[after everyone sits down to watch Ray's commercial on TV and Roger notices he isn't in] Hey, Where's the Jester?

Ray:
Uh... Maybe they had to make a few cuts for time?

Roger Evans:
Well, I would have trimmed the King!

Ray:
[to Tia and Tamera after they become obsessed with their appearance] Girls, outer beauty is meaningless. It's inner beauty that counts. You show me someone obsessed with their looks, and I'll show you a deeply disturbed person.

Lisa Landry:
[Runs in, clutching three pieces of paper] Ooh, girls! I just won three certificates for beauty makeovers!

Ray:
You need three, huh?

Tia Landry:
[after Tamera refuses to study] Okay, but don't you come crying to me when you have to cram all on your own talking about [mocks Tamera] "Tia? Who's Malcolm the Tenth?" [others laugh]

Tyreke Scott:
[after the Guys cause a flood and end up causing the dish washer to smoke] Napkin?

Jordan Bennett:
It's gonna more take more than than to clean this mess up!

Ray Campbell:
Calm down fellas, We can handle this; we're *Men*. Jordan bring me the phone, I'm gonna call that repair guy. Before the women find out.

Jordan Bennett:
Good idea, and while you're at it, see if he can fix the furnace because there's water running down into the heating vent.

Ray Campbell:
We don't need a repairman to fix the furnace, *we can do that*.

Tyreke Scott:
I don't think so, Ray.

Jordan Bennett:
Yeah, Water's one thing; Fire can *burn*!

[the girls have just received a birthday card]

Tia Landry:
[Reading it out] "To my dearest nieces... Two words... 'Carpe Diem'."

Tamera:
To my dearest Uncle... Two words... 'Say what?'

[Tia and Tamera are posing as limousine drivers]

Chilli T:
Wait a minute... the studio sent a couple of teenage girls to be my driver?

Tamera:
Yes...

Chilli T:
Cool, they got my memo!

Tamera:
I read in the 'Wossuuuup' magazine that Chilli *never* says no to a fan in need.

Little Boy:
Excuse me Mr. Chilli, I'm a really big fan. Can I please have your autograph, pleeeeeaaase?

Chilli T:
Man, get away from me, get that thing outta my face!

Tamera:
[after trying and failing to revive Chili, Tia breaks down in tears] Oh no, Tia, Don't you dare start it now; not in front of our friends! If you're gonna cry, go in the closet!

Tia Landry:
I don't wanna go in the closet! [sobs harder] I wanna go to bed! I don't wanna be popular anymore!

Tamera:
Me neither! [Tamera begins crying too]

Tia Landry, Tamera:
It's so hard!

Roger Evans:
Girls, could you take this outside? You're bring Chili Down.

Tia Landry:
He's *already* down! And *out*!

Tamera:
Yeah, the big dope doped up on Quick Fix Elixir Mix!

Ray Campbell:
[to Tamera after she runs off] It's time you started acting like an Adult. And I'm gonna take back my PlayStation until you do!

Lisa Landry:
[after a beat following the discussion about Tia attending college] What's everyone staring at? Eat. EAT! [Jordan, Tyreke and the Girls begin eating quickly]

Ray Campbell:
[after The Twins' close call with Varique] Any nut can have a computer! *I* have a computer!

Lisa Landry:
Doc, how are my girls? Tell me the worst!

Hospital Janitor:
Girl, the toilet bowl overflowed!

Clark:
[to Tyrek] You don't be buying nothing. You just been creep, creep, creeping around my store for the past weeks. You better buy something or get out of my store!

Ray:
Well, Paula I hope you like Chinese food.

Paula:
Chinese food?

Ray:
Well, we can go somewhere else, if you'd like.

Paula:
Oh no. It's just that my boyfriend went out to get Chinese food, and picked up my sister instead.

Ray:
Oh. Well, it sounds like you're better of without him.

Paula:
Yeah. You're right.

Ray:
See, every cloud has a silver lining.

Paula:
[starts to cry] You said, "cloud."

Ray:
Uhh... yeah.

Paula:
I used to date a weatherman, and he left me for my aunt.

Ray:
Well, there's a lot of love in your family.

Paula:
[crying] Uh-huh.

Ray:
Oh. Hey, it's okay. We all carry emotional baggage.

Paula:
[crying] "Baggage?" Did you say, "baggage?"

Ray:
Uhh... not necessarily.

Paula:
I used to date a skycap.

Ray:
And he left you for your cousin.

Paula:
[crying] H-H-H-How did you know?

Ray:
I guess I'm psychic.

Paula:
[crying hysterically] I dated a psychic!

[They've been given an egg to look after like a child, Roger has stuck on hair and drawn a face on it]

Tamera:
Wow she's looking more and more like you every day.

Roger:
Yeah.

[turns egg around]

Roger:
But I gave her your butt.

[On naming their 'baby' - an egg for a school project]

Roger:
Why don't we name her Talamika? That's Swahili for precious flower.

Tamera:
That's beautiful Roger how'd you know that?

Roger:
Coz I just made it up.

Lisa Landry:
Today I destroyed an entire church!

Tia Landry:
Well, my marriage to Michael's on the rocks!

Lisa Landry:
Huh, not even close.

Tamera Campbell:
I... I think I'm in love with Roger.

Lisa Landry, Tia Landry:
You win!

Lisa Landry:
After that robbery, I just want to make sure if anything happens I'm here to protect you.

Tia Landry:
With a turkey leg?

Lisa Landry:
Yep, it's a weapon *and* a snack.

Lisa Landry:
I'm gonna go stand watch in the kitchen.

Tia Landry:
You need mustard don't you?

Lisa Landry:
Yep, this turkey leg's dry!

Cop:
Put your hands up!

Lisa Landry:
Okay but I haven't shaved in three weeks.

Betty:
[coming down the stairs after she and Floyd rob the Campbell-Landry house] Floyd, you old fool! You forgot the laser disc player! [sees Lisa and Ray] Back so soon?

Lisa Landry:
Oh this is rich, we' being robbed by the Keebler elves!

Ray Campbell:
The important thing is nobody got hurt, and they're gone now.

Lisa Landry:
Yeah, of course there was that one case on "Unsolved Mysteries", where they made copies of the keys, they came back, chopped them up into a thousand pieces, wrapped them in cellophane, gave them out as candy at Halloween.

Ray Campbell:
[after Betty and Floyd have robbed them] Yeah, just when you thought you knew somebody. Who would have thought those old people?

Lisa Landry:
No, ray, I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about you.

Ray Campbell:
Me?

Lisa Landry:
I saw the way you jumped in front of me. You were there for me, ray. And you weren't even hyperventilating. I felt safe.

Ray Campbell:
[modest] Man's got to do what a man's got to do.

Lisa Landry:
You had no regard for your own personal safety.

Ray Campbell:
Man's got to do what a man's got to do.

Lisa Landry:
I mean, could have had a gun or a club or a butcher knife.

Ray Campbell:
[worried now] Butcher knife?

Lisa Landry:
With that shaky hand, he could have cut you up *real* good!

Ray Campbell:
This is insane! We shouldn't be doing this.

Lisa Landry:
Oh, just stand behind me.

Ray Campbell:
Well, what if somebody has a gun?

Lisa Landry:
Just stand in *front* of me!

Ray Campbell:
[pointing out Floyd and Betty in lineup] That's them, officer. They are the perpetrators!

Lisa Landry:
Duh, ray.

Ray Campbell:
Look at those little beady eyes that sloping forehead, those cheesy clothes... [sees Floyd wearing his clothes] Wait! that's my shirt!

Tamera Campbell:
[Ray demonstrates Cheerleader moves including backflips] Run, Tia! It's a Pod Person!

Tamera:
Tia, grab your pom-poms, I'll be out back with the motor running

Tia Mowry:
Stand aside, losers comin' through!

Lisa Landry:
Wait now, come on now baby, you are not a loser! Not unless you quit. Tia, listen now, I lost my business, my self-respect and part of one eyebrow. I was down. I was so down, the down looked like up to me! Then I remembered these wise words: you don't lose by getting knocked down, you lose by staying down.

Lisa Landry:
[to Ray] 14 year olds are more mature today than they used to be.

Tamera Campbell:
[Tia runs out of the room screaming with carrots up her nose, Roger walks out like Frankenstein with cucumber slices on his eyes, and Tamera follows with carrots for fangs] I want to suck your blood! [chases them up the stairs]

Lisa Landry:
[to Ray] I bet you weren't doing that until you were at least 20.

Tamera Campbell:
We should have enough food. We got chips, dip, soda and candy.

Lisa Landry:
Ooh, the four major food groups.

Roger Evans:
Little Ray's a man and he gets to go.

Lisa Landry:
He's been fixed.

Roger Evans:
I don't want to go *that* bad.

Lisa Landry:
He acted like a pig, but he lied like a dog.

Ray Campbell:
Which is he, Lisa, a pig or a dog?

Lisa Landry:
Worse, he's a *man*.

Ray Campbell:
[about Adam] Who is this?

Tamera Campbell:
One of our flat chested girlfriends?

Lisa Landry:
Hey, what's Hank doing here?

Ray:
That's Hank?

Lisa Landry:
He's sick, he's supposed to be in bed!

[Hank starts kissing another woman]

Ray:
I think he's heading in that direction...

Tia Mowry:
You don't own me.

Lisa Landry:
I am renting you for 21 years!

Mr. Mitushka:
You know Casey Kasem right?

students:
Who?

Mr. Mitushka:
The disk jockey, Casey Kasem? Casey's top 40?

students:
Who?

Mr. Mitushka:
He is also the voice of Shaggy on "Scooby-Doo."

students:
OHHHHH!

Tia:
[Tamera has just seen Vivica kissing another man] Maybe it was just someone who looked like her.

Tamera:
[sarcastically] Oh, sure, maybe she has an identical twin sister somewhere that she doesn't know anything about... It was *her*, OK?

Ray Campbell:
[after the hotel refuse to change the room arrangement for him and Lisa, Ray hangs up] Jerk.

Lisa Landry:
That's tellin' him, Ray.

Ray Campbell:
Well, you gotta use diplomacy; You get more Bees with Honey.

Lisa Landry:
I want a room, Ray, not a *hive*.

Ray Campbell:
I'll tell you what we'll do; We'll split the room in half. It'll be like that old movie "It Happened One Night"

Lisa Landry:
Nothing's gonna happen tonight!

Ray Campbell:
You're right about that! [scoffs]

Lisa Landry:
[Offended] Oh, I'm not good enough for you, huh?

Ray Campbell:
*What* is with you? We disagree on everything and the *one* thing we agree on; You get Insulted!

Lisa Landry:
I'm a complex person, Ray!

Lisa Landry:
When I get undressed you leave the room, right?

Ray Campbell:
Of course I will. And when *I* get undressed...?

Lisa Landry:
I'll leave the state!

Ray Campbell:
[Struggling with fold-out bed] I can handle this; I was in the army!

Lisa Landry:
Good. If it pops up again, shoot it!

Tamera:
You're not bothering me anymore, Roger.

Roger:
So?

Tamera:
That's bothering me! I kind of miss the way you used to follow me around and give me the creeps.

Roger:
We did have something special, didn't we?

Tamera:
Yeah, I guess we did.

Roger:
Well, we can get it back if we try.

Tamera:
What about Tia?

Roger:
Don't worry your little head... I'll just let her down gently.

[Tia walks in]

Roger:
Tia, you're toast!

Ray Campbell:
[Ray comes home to find Tyreke, Jordan and Steven in the lounge after The Twins and Diavan have stormed off upstairs] Ooh, Dim Lighting, Soft Music... Back in my day, we used to do this with girls!

Tamera Campbell:
[seeing each other for the first time] Dad...

Tia Landry:
Mom...

Tamera Campbell, Tia Landry:
That girl has my face!

Claude:
[heavy accent] Back back back!

Lisa Landry:
Oh back back back yourself you old duck.

Lisa Landry:
Nobody mess with me! I have mace! I have pepper spray!

Tamera Campbell:
You know, your mom is nothing like you.

Tia Landry:
That's because I'm adopted.

Tamera Campbell:
So am I.

Tamera Campbell:
I bet you really hate science and math too, right?

Tia Landry:
No, I like them.

Tamera Campbell:
Really? That IS weird.

Tamera Campbell:
[about the movie they're watching] It's Friday the 13th, part 14.

Roger Evans:
[after learning Tamera has a twin] I don't know what's going on here, but I'm very excited!

Lisa Landry:
On the way over I had a little accident...

[hands him his mailbox]

Ray:
How'd you hit my mailbox? You don't even have a car.

Lisa Landry:
I was power walkin and I hit it with my purse!

Roger:
Hi, Tia. I heard you were tutoring.

Tia Mowry:
Yeah, I am. What do you need, Roger?

Roger:
I need a little help with my Anatomy.

Tia Mowry:
Roger, you don't take Anatomy.

Roger:
No, but I have one.

[Grins]

Tia Mowry:
[Slams the door in Roger's face]

Waiter:
[after he finishes singing] Can I do anything for you?

Ray Campbell:
Yeah, Beat it.

Waiter:
[singing] Beat it... Beat it...

Ray Campbell:
I don't mean sing it, I mean do it!

Roger Evans:
This guy bothering you, Tamera?

Shawn:
And who are you?

Roger Evans:
I'm her date.

Shawn:
Well, Tamera and I have decide that there's a little *change* in plans.

Roger Evans:
What, she doesn't want any punch? 'Cause My Mom's got a thermos of hot cocoa in the car!

Shawn:
No, No. See; Tamera and I were talkin' and I wanna *dance*

Roger Evans:
[indignant] I don't wanna dance with *you*!

Shawn:
What a loser. [to Tamera] Why don't you explain it to him?

Tamera Campbell:
Why don't *you* get *lost*?

Roger Evans:
Okay, Okay. [Turns to leave]

Tamera Campbell:
No, No, No. Not you, Roger! [points to Shawn] *You*! [Hands him both glasses of punch] Now go home and check on your mom.

Roger Evans:
On the way out, Can you check on mine? She's the one shiverin' in the blue town and country!

Mallgirl:
[Two kids want Lisa to make balloon animals at the mall] Hey, Lady. Can you make me a balloon in the shape of a Giraffe?

Lisa Landry:
For the Fourteenth time, Balloon Bob isn't here anymore and I don't make balloons shaped like Giraffes.

Mallgirl:
Okay, a Zebra.

Lisa Landry:
I don't make *any* balloon animals.

Boy:
Couldn't you *try?*

Lisa Landry:
[glares at Kids] If you don't leave me alone, I can twist *you* into any shape that you like!

[Kids run to their mother]

Tamera:
You got all the art genes, the music genes, what genes are left for me?

Tia Mowry:
Well I have some ripped jeans in the closet upstairs.

Tamera:
And you got the joke genes too!

Ray:
[Sees the Box of Lucky Charms and takes one] Hmmm... Lucky Charms. Magically Delicious!

Desiree:
[Checking Jordan's fake I.D] What happened to your dreads, "Rasheed"?

Jordan Bennett:
Er, they fell out?

"One time I was so depressed, I ate two tennis balls before I realized it wasn't pringles."

-Lisa Landry