Sixteen Candles

Samantha:
Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.

The Geek:
Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.

Lumberjack:
What's your last name?

Long Duk Dong:
Dong.

Lumberjack:
What's your first name?

Long Duk Dong:
Long.

Lumberjack:
What's your middle name?

Long Duk Dong:
Duk.

The Geek:
Where the hell am I?

Caroline:
I'll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.

The Geek:
I'm Farmer Ted.

Caroline:
You're in the parking lot from my church.

The Geek:
You own a church?

Mike Baker:
She's got her period. Should be an interesting honeymoon.

Jim Baker:
Where are you learning this stuff?

Mike Baker:
School.

Jim Baker:
Good, get my money's worth.

Ginny:
I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had other men love me before, but not for six months in a row.

Randy:
Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.

Brenda Baker:
Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?

Samantha:
I can remember lots of things.

Caroline:
Who's he?

Jake:
That's me.

Caroline:
Who are you?

Jake:
I'm him.

Caroline:
Oh, ok.

The Geek:
This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

Samantha:
No problem.

The Geek:
I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.

The Geek:
Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some b*tch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.

Samantha:
It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.

The Geek:
You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.

Samantha:
Go to hell.

The Geek:
VERY hostile.

Samantha:
I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

The Geek:
How's it going?

Samantha:
How's what going?

The Geek:
You know - things, life, whatnot.

Samantha:
Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

The Geek:
By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.

The Geek:
So, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?

Samantha:
Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

Samantha:
When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?

Randy:
That's a cheerful thought.

Samantha:
This is Farmer Fred.

The Geek:
Ted.

Samantha:
Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.

The Geek:
I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.

Jim Baker:
That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

Jim Baker:
Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

Samantha:
Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Jim Baker:
Mike is a dork.

Samantha:
I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

Jake:
I can get a piece of ass any time I want. Sh*t, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

The Geek:
What are you waiting for?

The Geek:
I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Long Duk Dong:
No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.

The Geek:
Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

The Geek:
Nice ma- nice manners, babe.

The Geek:
Just answer me one question.

Samantha:
Yes, you're a total f*ggot.

The Geek:
Ha ha ha. That's not the question.

Samantha:
Thanks for getting my undies back.

Jake:
Thanks for coming over.

Samantha:
Thanks for coming to get me.

Jake:
Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.

Samantha:
It already came true.

The Geek:
Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.

Howard:
What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded.

Grandpa Fred:
Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.

Howard:
Thanks Fred.

Howard:
Dong. Where is my automobile?

Long Duk Dong:
Oto-mo-biiile?

Samantha:
I can't believe this. They f***ing forgot my birthday.

Ginny:
Darling is something bothering you?

Ginny:
...you're acting like... an a**hole. And I think I know what it is.I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.

Samantha:
You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits.

Long Duk Dong:
Ooh. Sexy Girlfriend.

Long Duk Dong:
What's happenin' hot stuff?

Long Duk Dong:
Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.

Mike Baker:
It's a quiche.

Long Duk Dong:
How do you spell?

Grandpa Fred:
Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.

Mike Baker:
What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.

Jake:
I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lokkin' at me.

Jock:
Maybe she's retarded

Jake:
I'm being serious, ok. She looks at me like she's in love with me.

Jake:
Yes, hello sir... Um

Howard:
Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

Jake:
Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so may I converse with her briefly?

Howard:
Yes there is and NO you may not.

Jake:
Might I leave a message sir?

Howard:
He wants to leave a message for Sam.

Jake:
I thought she hated me.

Jake:
It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out she really does think I'm a slime.

Jake:
I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

The Geek:
Jake I'm only a freshman.

Jake:
So, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

The Geek:
Jake I don't have a car.

Jake:
You can take mine.

The Geek:
Jake I don't have a license.

Jake:
I trust you.

Randy:
My brother paid a dollar last night to see your underwear.

Samantha:
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

The Geek:
Jake is your dad a big guy?

Jake:
Oh, about 6'4"

The Geek:
Very nice

The Geek:
That grill costs $5,000 do you have $5,000 cause I don't

Jake:
Well just don't hit anything.

The Geek:
Don't hit anything he says

The Geek:
O thank you thanks

Caroline:
now we're both on the pill

The Geek:
what?

The Geek:
Do you know what the can do to a guy my age

Caroline:
I know what they do to a girl my age

I'm sorry I don't do that.

Yes, you do

Howard Baker:
[to Jake Ryan on the phone] Are you the little beggar that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

Jake:
Would it be possible for you to tell me if there's a Samantha Baker here? And if there is, may I speak with her briefly?

Howard Baker:
Yes, it is, and no, you may not!

Ginny:
Darling, is something bothering you? You're really acting like... an airhead. And I think I know what it is. I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.

Samantha:
You know, everybody in this family has just gone totally Outer Limits.

Ginny:
No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish and immature.

Samantha:
Oh, yes, that's it. That's exactly it. [storms out]

Ginny:
[to herself] Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they spread all over you.

The Geek:
So, I mean, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?

Samantha:
Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over you.

'The Geek:
You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...

Samantha:
Go to hell.

The Geek:
VERY hostile!

Samantha:
You know, just now I really felt how much you like me.

The Geek:
You're probably zoning in on my brain waves or something.

Samantha:
Well, not really. I felt it on my leg.

The Geek:
I know I came on kinda like a poser on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

Samantha:
But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?

The Geek:
Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipwads.

Samantha:
Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.

The Geek:
[about Samantha] She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a fit. She thinks you're the cat's meow!

Jake:
Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a loner.

The Geek:
Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know we do it, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics, I'm telling you.

Jake:
I thought she hated my guts.

The Geek:
Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some witch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

Jake:
You better not be lying to me. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.

The Geek:
Jake, would I lie to you? Let me put it to you this way: what happens to me if I lie to you?

Jake:
Heh, I'd kick you.

The Geek:
Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of her, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick you. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Jake:
I can get a piece of her anytime I want. Shoot, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

The Geek:
[almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

Jake:
I'll make a deal with you. [about Samantha's panties] You let me keep these, I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home, you can't leave her in some parking lot. Okay?

The Geek:
Jake, I'm only a freshman.

Jake:
So, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

The Geek:
Jake, I don't have a car.

Jake:
You can take mine.

The Geek:
Jake, I don't have a license.

Jake:
I trust you.

The Geek:
This is your car, Jake?

Jake:
No, this is my dad's car. You said you can't drive a stick.

The Geek:
This is a...! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.

Jake:
So?

The Geek:
So? So? I heard the grill alone costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand.

Jake:
Then don't hit anything.

The Geek:
[incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

The Geek:
[as Caroline is slapping him awake] Dammit, Mom, I've got my headgear on!

Caroline:
[annoyed] Will you wake up?

The Geek:
[opens eyes] Where the hell am I?

Caroline:
I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.

The Geek:
I'm Farmer Ted.

Caroline:
You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.

The Geek:
You own a church?

Randy:
[Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

Samantha:
Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.

Randy:
I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

Samantha:
I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.

Randy:
He's ideal for sure, but, forget it.

Samantha:
God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd sh*t twice and die.

The Geek:
Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy. You're a girl. Is there any thing wrong with me trying to put together some kind of relationship between us? Okay, look, I know you haven't been - just answer me one question.

Samantha:
Yes, you're a total fag.

The Geek:
Ha ha ha. That's not the question. [pauses] Am I turning you on?

Grandma Helen:
Oh Sam, let me look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

Grandpa Fred:
[chuckles] I better go get my magnifying glass.

[Samantha winces]

Grandma Helen:
Oh, and they are so perky.

[Grandma Helen reaches to cup them]

[Samantha leaves]

Samantha:
I can't believe my Grandmother actually felt me up.

Jim Baker:
I was just upstairs, and I couldn't sleep. I feel like a real jerk, honey. We forgot your birthday. I bet you're really P.O.'d, huh?

Samantha:
No, it's okay. I'm not really all that upset anymore.

Jim Baker:
This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out. And I just came down to tell you that we did remember.

Samantha:
Thanks, Dad.

Jim Baker:
Happy birthday. [Sighs] Is something else wrong?

Samantha:
No, why?

Jim Baker:
I don't know, I just get the feeling that something's bothering you. Something other than your birthday.

Samantha:
No, I'm fine. Really.

Jim Baker:
I think I know what it is. It has to do with a certain guy? I know, honey. I know. We're all upset that Ginny's marrying a bohunk. What's the matter?

Samantha:
[Sighs] I meant Jake.

Jim Baker:
Jake? Wait a minute. I thought she said his name was Rudy.

Samantha:
Forget it.

Jim Baker:
Forget what? Who's Jake?

Samantha:
He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing. Okay? Just forget it, please.

Jim Baker:
Come on, Sam. We're not communicating.

Samantha:
It's extremely embarrassing, okay?

Jim Baker:
What's embarrassing?

Samantha:
Sitting in the dark with your dad, telling him about your love life.

Jim Baker:
I'm afraid you lost me again, Sam.

Samantha:
Jake is a senior, and he's beautiful and perfect. I like him a real lot, and he doesn't like me. Okay?

Jim Baker:
Oh.

Samantha:
And he's got this incredible girlfriend. I'm just this ridiculous dork that's following him around like a puppy.

Jim Baker:
Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.

Samantha:
Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Jim Baker:
Mike is a dork.

Samantha:
But so am I.

Jim Baker:
Well, if it's any consolation, I love you. And if this guy can't see in you all the beautiful and wonderful things that I see, then he's got the problem.

Samantha:
I know. It just hurts.

Jim Baker:
That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else.

Samantha:
But if I were Ginny, I'd have this guy crawling on his knees.

Jim Baker:
Well, let me tell you something about Ginny. Now, I love her as much as I love you. But she's a different person. Sometimes I worry about her. When you're given things kind of easily, you don't always appreciate them. With you, I'm not worried. When it happens to you, Samantha, it'll be forever.

Randy:
[on the phone] I was going to tell you something, but, maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.

Samantha:
You may as well. Nothing could shock me anymore.

Randy:
Last night at the dance, my little brother paid a buck to see your underwear.

[Samantha screams]

Howard Baker:
[startled by the scream] Geez! I hate that rock 'n' roll rubbish!

Grandpa Fred:
Well, I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie.

The Geek:
[to his buddies, after knocking over a beer can stack] Very nice! We're here five minutes, and I–! I'm at a loss!

Dorothy Baker:
[to Jake Ryan on the phone] Now you listen to me, mister! God did not put me on this Earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you! And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you! Now goodnight and goodbye!