Skin Deep

Zach:
There is a God! And he's a gag-writer!

Zach:
What would you do if I told you I've been celibate for six months?

Alex:
Cross my legs.

Zack Hutton:
(rubbing genie lamp) Get me the f*** out of here.

Zack Hutton:
My name is Zachary Hutton and my wish is to f*** you.

Rebecca:
Do me a favor, Zack?

Zachary Hutton:
Name it, Becky.

Rebecca:
Don't call me Becky. I f***ing hate it.

Zachary Hutton:
I'm truly sorry, Rebecca. It f***ing won't happen again.

Barney:
Why did you wrap yourself in toilet paper?

Zachary Hutton:
Because I was cold.

Zach:
I take it back. You're too much of a c*nt to be a prick.

Zach:
Not being able to write is like not being able to screw.

Zach:
I've never felt this way before. I'm seriously unhappy. This is just not the bush-league blues, we're talking major-league depression here. I can't sleep. I take pills. But they only last a couple of hours and then I'm up at 4:00 in the morning pacing the f***ing house or walking on the cold f***ing beach. I'm so miserable, I wanna f***ing shoot myself. But, I can't because I'm afraid to die. How's that for f***ed-up?

Zach:
So what's the answer? Oh, I forgot. You don't have answers. Your not the burning bush. You just give suggestions. Well, I need help. I'm in the f***ing dumper. Give me a suggestion because I know you've got one. I can see it in those beady little Freudian eyes.

Dr. Westford:
If an alcoholic wants me to cure him, you know what I say?

Zach:
That's a question. That's not a suggestion.

Zach:
Okay. What do you say?

Dr. Westford:
First, stop drinking.

Zach:
I don't get it.

Dr. Westford:
Go home and think about it. That's my auggestion.

Molly:
I'm not going to argue with you anymore, Zach. Your dishonest and your too good with words.

Zach:
Hey. When have I ever been dishonest with you?

Molly:
Oh, come on! Your were dishonest with me from the time you decided you wanted to f*** me!

Zach:
We were introduced. I said, "How do you do? I want to f*** you." What's dishonest about that?

Molly:
Zach, in the six months of living together, we had 100 arguments.

Zach:
I only counted 99.

Molly:
Okay. Out of those 99 arguments, was there ever a time that you thought I was right?

Zach:
Honestly? No.

Molly:
What does that tell you?

Zach:
That you were wrong 99 times out of 100.

Zach:
You see, I truly love women.

Barney:
Oh, I see.

Zach:
I love everything about them, Barney. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, most of the time. I have to admit, I don't like women with long, round toenails. But that is the only abrogation so far. And so far has been quite awhile and quite a few.

Barney:
Oh, that's true.

Zach:
I long for a meaningful, monogamous, healthy relationship. And I was sure I had it with Alex, but the truth is, Barney, in the deep dark slience of my considered conscience, where there's just me and me, the unmitigated truth is, I want it all.

Barney:
Hey, wanting is okay.

Zach:
I want a loving, faithful, caring, caretaking wife, and I wanna make love to everything else in long skirts, with bare feet and ripe, juicy mouths. Little boy-girls with small firm breats and tight asses. Rubensque round women with big Mother Earth breasts and green eyes. God! I could go on and on.

Barney:
Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.

Zach:
Me too.

Zach:
I'm a desperate man, Doctor. I need help. I gotta change my way of living, and if that ain't enough, I'm gonna change the way I strut my stuff.

Zach:
'Cause nobody loves you when your old and gray. There'll be some changes made today. Yes, sir, there'll be some changes made. Duh-duh-da.

Zach:
I couldn't resist it. You think I'm crazy?

Dr. Westford:
No.

Zach:
Then what the hell is wrong with me?

Dr. Westford:
Well, for one thing, you can't sing worth sh*t.

Lonnie Jones:
Look at it this way, Zach. I've worked 5 years, 52 weeks a year, five days a week, 3 hours a day, to build this body.

Lonnie Jones:
And for one night, this night, it's all yours.

Lonnie Jones:
How do you feel about that?

Zach:
Like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Lonnie Jones:
I love your sense of humor.

Zach:
And it loves you.

Lonnie Jones:
Do you alwaya try to joke your way out of a tight spot?

Zach:
Not always. Occasionally, I'm too frightened to make my lips move.

Lonnie Jones:
I hope your not frightened now, Zach.

Zach:
I'm not, but fortunately my cock is scared stiff.

Zach:
What have you got against my typewriter?

Alex:
You used to write on it. Books and plays and movies. Once, once you wrote me a poem on our 2nd anniversary and gave it to me. And you were happy. You exorcised your demons with credible thoughts and good words on that typewriter, and your talent turned me on. I really thought we had a chance "until death do us part," and then one day you stopped. You gave up.

Zach:
I dried up. It happens to writers.

Alex:
Oh, so you bury yourself with the first available young female that comes along, in the hopes that she's going to magically restore your lost talent?

Zach:
Alex...

Alex:
No, don't say it. This is a lecture. Not a debate. And since I don't intend to speak to you for the rest of this lifetime, you either get out now, or shut up and let me finish.

Alex:
I'm not saying that your condition is unique. In fact, quite a few older men do the same thing.

Zach:
How about a few older women?

Alex:
If your trying to redeem yourself by implying that I might have been unfaithful to you, you're barking up the wrong older woman. I could have, but regrettably didn't. I threw out that typewriter because it represents everything that could have been loving and lasting and wonderful, and everything that wasn't.

Zach:
Can I say something please?

Alex:
No! No! No! You have 20 minutes to get your things and get out of this house forever, or I will get a restraining order and have you removed!

Lonnie Jones:
You know what your problem is, Zach?

Zach:
Yep.

Lonnie Jones:
You drink too much.

Zach:
Yep.

Lonnie Jones:
Your probably an alcoholic.

Zach:
Yep. But that's not my problem. You know what my problem is? I'm an addict.

Lonnie Jones:
Drugs?

Zach:
Nope. Merry-go-rounds.

Lonnie Jones:
You wanna go home with me, Zach?

Zach:
Yep.

Lonnie Jones:
Let's go.

Zach:
Can't.

Lonnie Jones:
Why not?

Zach:
I'm just a kid.

Lonnie Jones:
You're sweet.

Zach:
That too.

Lonnie Jones:
Give me a call if you change your mind.

Zach:
I will give you a call even if I don't change my mind, okay?

Zach:
I figured it out, Barney. You can't cure a problem until you know what's causing the problem. But before you can see what's causing the problem, you first have to remove the problem.

Barney:
You've gotta give up the vices to get to the virtues. I could've told you that.

Zach:
Yeah? Why didn't you?

Barney:
You want it to take, you got to figure it out for yourself.

Zach:
Okay, wise guy, what's my problem?

Barney:
You're scared like the rest of us. You drink too much, you chase girls much too much, and you don't use your God-given talent anymore.

Zach:
You've known that all along?

Barney:
I'm a good bartender.

Traffic Judge:
The arresting officer states that you were clocked at 134 miles an hour. Anything to say about that, Mr. Hutton?

Zach:
I was in a hurry, Your Honor.

Traffic Judge:
Me too. Five hundred dollars or 30 days.

Zach:
I'm in a lot of trouble, Doctor. Frankly, I don't have the strength or the courage to go on like this, and even if I did, I wouldn't want to. Everyday, I get a little more depressed. I get a little more desperate. I feel like I'm worse off than when I first started with you.

Zach:
I'm still a mess. I haven't changed.

Dr. Westford:
Don't you know by now that changing one's basic character is next to impossible?

Zach:
No. I don't know that. Jesus, Doctor, if I thought I couldn't change, I wouldn't cine see you in the first place.

Dr. Westford:
I didn't say that you couldn't.

Zach:
You just said it was impossible.

Dr. Westford:
I said it was next to impossible.

Zach:
Well, sh*t, Doctor. "Next to" isn't that far removed.

Dr. Westford:
If it were, there'd be no analysts.

Zach:
Not an entirely unhappy prospect, Doctor.

Dr. Westford:
Did I ever tell you the story about the scorpion and the frog?

Zach:
No.

Dr. Westford:
A scorpion who couldn't swim asked the frog to carry him across the river on his back. The frog said, "Do you think I'm crazy? Halfway across the river, you'll sting me and I'll drown." "That's not reasonable," said the scorpion. "If I sting you and you drown, I'll drown too." Frog thought about it, he said, "Climb on." Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog, and as the frog was drowning, he said to the scorpion, "But now you'll drown too." The scorpion said, "Yes. I know." "That's not reasonable," said the frog, and the scorpion replied, "Reason has nothing to do with it. I'm a scorpion. It's my character."

Zach:
You know what I feel like saying to you?

Dr. Westford:
Yes. You feel like telling me to go f*** myself, and you probably will, because it's your character.

Zach:
See you next Tuesday.

Zach:
Jake! You told me this was a costume party!

Zach:
You are such a prick!

Leon 'Sparky' Sparks:
Most of my friends are pricks.

Zach:
Most of your pricks are friends.