Smart People

Chuck Wetherhold:
These children haven't been properly parented in many years. They're practically feral. That's why I was brought in.

Chuck Wetherhold:
[to Lawrence] You spend $50 on dinner, that's grounds for intercourse.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
[in the hospital with her dad] So, what happened to your head?

Lawrence Wetherhold:
[groggy] It's all a blur.

Chuck Wetherhold:
It's kind of a win-win situation.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
[stressed] I'm in an after-school special.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
Why would you have a baby with me?

Janet Hartigan:
Because you don't know how to properly use a condom.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
Message received.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
I think he smelled the pot!

Vanessa Wetherhold:
You should really make your bed. It sets the tone for the day.

Chuck Wetherhold:
But, how do you know what tone I was trying to set?

Lawrence Wetherhold:
You're a giant toddler!

Vanessa Wetherhold:
[drunk] What's it like... to be stupid?

Brooke:
What's it like sitting by yourself at lunch every day?

Vanessa Wetherhold:
It sucks.

Chuck Wetherhold:
[to Vanessa] You're a monster!

Bloomberg:
I got to the third section where I noticed a certain marketable tone, the surly smarter-than-thou a**hole tone.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
I don't think you're very happy Vanessa.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Well, you're not happy. And you're my role model.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Theresa Sternbridge practically runs a soup kitchen and she's always seen posing in photos with crack babies and dying, old, crusty ladies. And do you know why? She scored in the 45th percentile on her SAT. People like you and me don't need to compensate.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
[first lines - to his class] Good morning. As it's important that we all get to know one another, I would like you to wear these. [hands out name tags]

Missy Chin:
I've taken two other courses from you this year, and you still don't know what my name is, do you?

Lawrence Wetherhold:
I most certainly do.

Missy Chin:
What is it?

Lawrence Wetherhold:
Look [peeks at his papers] Miss Chin...

Student:
You just looked.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
Just go home and get some sleep, and get the perfect SAT score.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
That's what I've been trying to do.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
mercurial...

Vanessa Wetherhold:
I learned that word in the 5th grade.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
fecundity...

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Ah, English is my first language.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
uxorious...

Vanessa Wetherhold:
That's appropriately obscure - mind you I know it. Overly fond of one's wife.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
That's my girl.

Janet Hartigan:
I have a good one. eft...

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Let me ponder... Short in stature. Diminutive.

Janet Hartigan:
No I'm sorry, eft is a young newt.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Dad if there are *any* romantic inklings, you're simply not ready. I mean the socio-sexual mores

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Ah and look, let's not forget the stigma attached to widowers.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
[stilted date conversation] We respond to literary texts using precisely the same fundamental interpretive categories that authors and poets use to create them. So there's no need to posit any kind of unstable ontology, or ruptured consciousness. You following me?

Janet Hartigan:
I'm sorry I called you an arrogant windbag the other night.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
You called me a *pompous* windbag the other night.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
I actually got accepted to Standford 2 weeks ago.

Chuck Wetherhold:
Really? But Carnegie Mellon is free for you, and Standford's - I don't know - 600, 700 hundred

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Forty grand...

Chuck Wetherhold:
Well your father's gonna kill you. But for the time being I'm filled with pride.

Janet Hartigan:
[shows up uninvited] Am I interrupting anything?

Chuck Wetherhold:
No, welcome. We could use some anti-venom in the snake pit.

James Wetherhold:
Vanessa here is the perfect little housewife. I mean daughter.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Yes, if by perfect you mean not retarded, slash suffering from insurmountable credit card debt, then yes, I'm indeed perfect.

Janet Hartigan:
I like suburban Pittsburgh for Christmas.

Lawrence Wetherhold:
Yes. Really gliferous. Euro. Paris of uh, western Pennsylvania.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, okay? I completely respect your homosexuality, and I will refrain from any further untoward advances.

Chuck Wetherhold:
Truth be told, I started dating someone. Someone my own age.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
What's his name?

Chuck Wetherhold:
Her name... is none of your business. I will be staying at *her* apartment a couple of nights a week.

Vanessa Wetherhold:
So does she know you're gay?

Vanessa Wetherhold:
Everybody hates me.

Chuck Wetherhold:
If you tell people they're stupid, they'll usually hate you.