Sonic the Hedgehog

Tom:
Okay, pal. I want answers. Who are you, what are you?

Sonic:
I'm a hedgehog. I feel like that's obvious.

Dr. Robotnik:
Are you in charge here?

Major Bennington:
Yes, I am.

Robotnik:
Nope!

Bennington:
My–

Robotnik:
Wrong!

Bennington:
Name–

Robotnik:
I'm in charge!

Bennington:
[getting frustrated at Robotnik's interruptions] Is Major–

Robotnik:
Me!

Bennington:
Ben–

Robotnik:
[whispers] I'm in charge. You've never seen anything like this before. This says I'm the top banana, in a world full of hungry little monkeys. Allow me to clarify. [makes zipping noise] In a sequentially-ranked hierarchy, based on level of critical importance, the disparity between us is too vast to quantify. Agent Stone?

Agent Stone:
The doctor thinks you're basic.

Robotnik:
I'm initiating a sweep sequence. Ten miles in every direction should suffice. [glances back] Is he still looking at me funny?

Stone:
Yes, he is.

Robotnik:
Tell him to stop, or I'll pull up his search history.

Stone:
If you don't stop looking at the Doctor, he'll take a closer look at–

Bennington:
I'm not deaf.

Robotnik:
And tell him his men report to me now. Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.

Bennington:
Excuse me? Listen, pal. I don't know if you realize–

Robotnik:
I'm sorry, Major. What was your name?

Bennington:
Benning–

Robotnik:
[loudly] Nobody cares! [mockingly sad] Nobody cares. Listen, Major Nobody-Cares, you know why nobody cares who you are? Because nobody cares about your feeble accomplishments. Nobody cares how proud your Mommy is that you're now reading at a 3rd-grade level. Have you finished Charlotte's Web yet? Spoiler alert – she dies in the end, but she leaves a big creepy egg-sac.

Robotnik:
Maybe someday, you'll achieve your goals, get yourself a CostCo car or adopt a Labrador, but the reality is, I surpassed EVERYTHING YOU ARE EVER GOING TO DO... before I was a toddler! I was spitting out formulas while you were spitting up formula!

Tom Wachowski:
I was breastfed, actually.

Robotnik:
Nice, rub that in my orphan face.

Robotnik:
[to Tom, finding one of Sonic's quills] Look at that. I was right. Note the lack of surprise. Shall we try this again? [whistles Flight of the Valkyries as one of his egg drones sneaks into the house and aims its guns at Tom] I'm going to give you 5 seconds to tell me where it is. 5...

Tom:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Robotnik:
4...

Tom:
Hey, tough guy. [shows his badge] I'm a cop. You're threatening an officer.

Robotnik:
How can you threaten someone who never existed? 3... COME ON, WRACK YOUR BRAIN! You might be able to come up with some lame excuse to go on living... in 2… 1!

Sonic:
[speeds out of his hiding place] Wait! Don't hurt him!

[Robotnik screams out in surprise. Taking advantage of his distraction, Tom decks him and the doctor falls onto the floor.]

[After Sonic disables Robotnik's vehicle]

Sonic:
Sonic 1, big tank 0! I'm sorry, did we get that on camera?

Tom:
How are you not dead?

Sonic:
I have no idea! Do you see me dancing?

Tom:
Yes, I saw you dance.

Sonic:
[To the camera on the disabled vehicle]Is that all you got?

Robotnik:
No, but thank you for asking. [A smaller vehicle deploys from the initial destroyed vehicle]

[Robotnik screams at Stone's sudden appearance]

Stone:
I just thought you might like a latte with steamed Austrian goat milk.

Robotnik:
What do I look like, an imbecile? Of course, I want a latte. I LOVE THE WAY YOU MAKE THEM!

Sonic:
[runs west, and after a couple of seconds, comes back, wet, with seaweeds on him, and a fish on his head] So, as I crashed into the cold dark water of the Pacific, I realized a few things. A; I have no idea where I'm going. B; saltwater stings. C; I shouldn't even be on this planet right now, but I am! Why? Because you shot me!

Tom:
I know.

Sonic:
YOU SHOT ME!

Tom:
I heard you the first time, you don't have to... pile it on. Good grief.

Sonic:
I'm wet, I'm cold, there's a fish on my head, and clearly, I'm not going to be able to do this on my own!

Tom:
[looks at Sonic, the fish slowly sliding off his head] Alright, get in the truck.

Sonic:
Really? [shakes the water and seaweed off of him, causing his fur to poof up] You're gonna help me?

Tom:
I guess it is a little bit of my fault that all of this is happening to you.

Sonic:
Not a little bit, entirely. It is entirely your fault.

Tom:
Okay, it's entirely my fault. Are you coming?

Sonic:
Yes. [shakes his body again, straightening his fur, goes back in Tom's truck] Road trip! Wahoo!

Tom:
[sighs] What am I doing?

Maddie:
[regarding Sonic] It talks.

Tom:
Almost constantly.

Robotnik:
[facing Sonic, Tom and Maddie with his hovercraft and drones at the Transamerica Pyramid] Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Wachowski. Are you enjoying the clam chowder?

Tom:
It's the government whack-job who keeps trying to kill us – UNSUCCESSFULLY! Nice of you to swing by on your way to Comic-Con.

Maddie:
Yeah, what are you wearing?

Robotnik:
It's a flight suit! Designed to modulate my body temperature and reduce drag!

Tom:
Yeah, and yet you still are one.

Robotnik:
Ooh, good one! You are catching fire, Thomas! Oh, and speaking of heat, I see you brought a lover. Does she have a name, or should we just call her "collateral damage"?

Tom:
Hey, watch your mouth unless you want a little more of what I gave you earlier! [to Maddie] I punched him in the face.

Sonic:
Oh, you punched him right in the face, man, it was awesome!

Robotnik:
The time for talking is over! It's time to push buttons!

Sonic:
Your flying eggs are pretty impressive, Mr. Eggman, but let's face it. You'll never catch me.

Robotnik:
Confidence! A fool's substitute for intelligence. [his drones power up, their weapons pointed at Sonic, Tom, and Maddie]

Sonic:
That's not good.

Tom:
Uhh, Sonic? I know you've got the super-speed and everything, but Maddie and I?

Sonic:
Totally defenseless, probably going to get blown up?

Maddie:
Pretty much, yeah.

Sonic:
Don't worry, I know exactly what to do.

[Speeds behind Tom and Maddie... and shoves them off the building. Robotnik looks over the side in surprise, then back to Sonic]

Robotnik:
I was not expecting that… but I was expecting to not expect something, so it doesn't count.

Sonic:
[pursued into Paris by Robotnik] Coming through!

Mime artist:
Sacre bleu! [ducks under Robotnik's hovercraft]

Robotnik:
Excusez-moi, monsieur!

[Robotnik has apparently killed Sonic, and Tom and Maddie look at his lifeless body]

Robotnik:
I don't mean to be indelicate here, but somebody should get some ice, keep the body fresh. He's just a silly little alien. He didn't belong here!

Tom:
That "little alien" knew more about being human than you ever will. His name was Sonic, this was his home...and he was my friend.

[Sonic, at hearing those words, suddenly revives in a flash of blue electricity.]

Tom:
[to Sonic, referring to Robotnik] He's all yours. [he and Maddie back away]

Sonic:
[to Robotnik] I think you have something that belongs to me! [uses his electric powers to absorb the energy from the stolen quill Robotnik is using to power his hovercraft, facing down Robotnik] This is my power, and I'm not using it to run away anymore. I am using it to protect my friends!

[Robotnik puts on his googles as his hovercraft aims its red lights at Sonic, who then positions to run. Robotnik then presses a button to launch the missiles at Sonic, who dodges them and starts charging at the hovercraft multiple times, inflicting heavy damage in it]

Robotnik:
[grunts] Now you've done it!

Sonic:
Guess what, Eggman? I'm not leaving Earth, you are! Donut Lord? [Tom picks a ring from Sonic's bag and tosses it behind Robotnik's hovercraft, opening a portal to the Mushroom Planet. Sonic and Robotnik charge at each other. The fight ends with Sonic combining his speed power with his rolling cannonball form to disintegrate Robotnik's damaged hovercraft, sending him and the hovercraft's remains to the portal]

Sonic The Hedgehog:
So, I know what you're thinking. Why is that incredibly handsome hedgehog being chased by a madman with a mustache from the Civil War? Well, to be honest, it feels like I've been running my whole life. Is this too much? Am I going too fast? It's kind of what I do. You know what? Let's back up.

Sonic The Hedgehog:
So what were you expecting, a dirty little hedgehog eating berries and struggling to survive? Think again. Because I am living my best life on Earth. I've got a library... a home gym... and a "state of the art" security system.

Dr. Robotnik:
What's extraordinary is I've determined the exact height, weight, and spinal curvature of this creature, and my computer can't find a single match for it anywhere in Earth's animal kingdom. This blackout was not a terrorist attack, and that's no baby bigfoot. This guy... is something else... entirely.

Dr. Robotnik:
My grasp on sanity remains... absolute. [Turns his head] Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start? Do some Rock-Connaissance! HAHAHAHAHA! ROCK-CONNAISSANCE! Come on, that's hilarious! What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch: Uninhabited planet, no resources, no supplies, no apparent way home... A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas.

Dr. Robotnik:
ROCK-CONNAISSANCE!!! Come on! Cheer up!

Tom Wachowski:
And so, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you all that I've accepted a position at the San Francisco Police Department, effective immediately. It's gonna be tough to leave my hometown and all my friendships. But this is something I feel like I need to do to grow... as both an officer and a man.

Sonic:
The playoffs.

Sonic the Hedgehog:
[Sees a smaller vehicle come out of Robotnik's disabled vehicle] I think that tank just had a baby.

Sonic the Hedgehog:
[voiceover] So, here we are again. We've been through so much together. Now you understand why there's a giant robot doctor chasing a super sonic blue hedgehog. Wanna know how it ends? Yeah, me too.

Dr. Robotnik:
[As Sonic keeps defeating and destroying his robots] OHHHH! GIVE ME A BIG. FAT. BREAK!!

Crazy Caril:
[to Sonic, "the Blue Devil"] I know you're out there, and I know you're REALLLLL!

Tails:
[mid-credits scene, arrives on Earth] If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late.