Spin City

Nikki:
[on the phone] I'm sorry I scared you mother. It was a simple, run-of-the-mill orgasm.

[a woman is making a pass at Carter]

Carter:
Your heterosexual powers have no effect on me.

Roberta:
Mr. Mayor, would you consider marching in the Gay Pride Parade this week?

Mayor Winston:
What, are you drunk?

Mike:
There are 10 commandments. I'd like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them.

Ashley:
We shouldn't have culturally insensitive sex.

Carter:
If the Deputy Mayor speaks in his office, and there are no cameras to hear, does he make a sound?

Nikki:
Oh, Stuart, one day you're going to make some woman very, very unhappy.

Mike:
Look at Dick Clark. Not a grey hair on his head and he's as popular now as he was 100 years ago.

Mike:
My grandmother thought that a homosexual was a person who slept with one person their whole life. We were gonna let it slide but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual.

Mike:
Now, I don't want to hear any excuses.

Stuart:
You sure? 'Cause I've been saving the doozy. It starts out as an excuse but I end up blaming James.

Mike:
Anybody read this? Bingo died.

Karen:
Ohh! Who's Bingo?

Mike:
Only the city's most decorated police dog.

Nikki:
Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir.

James:
And didn't he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?

Mike:
Yeah. Poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that.

Paul:
You know, I've been allergic to cats all my life, but at the pet morgue, nothing. Turns out I'm not allergic to dead cats.

Carter:
Then you should definitely get one.

Holly:
I don't have the patience to ask you again. Leave me alone or I'll have you terminated.

Stuart:
You can't fire me.

Holly:
I meant killed.

Mike:
I had sex with this woman, Kevin. And she wants to get pregnant. She kidnapped my "guys"! And she put them in the freezer!

Kevin:
That old story.

[after Carter's dog electrocuted himself by licking a lamp socket]

Mike:
That had to hurt.

[On erections]

Nikki:
Can't you guys control those things?

Stuart:
Not always.

Mike:
You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.

Nikki:
I am fascinated.

James:
Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory... sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

Drew West:
So, Randy... what's your favorite sexual position?

Mayor Winston:
Well, that's really not any of your business. However, I hear yours is "Man on top, woman in magazine."

Mayor Winston:
Are you sure this is the best title for my autobiography? "Winston On Winston"?

Mike:
Hey, as long there aren't two guys on the cover, I think we're okay.

Stuart:
Big 3-0, huh? It's the perfect age. You can date college girls *and* their mothers.

Mike:
As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me.

Stuart:
I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet.

James:
That's horrible!

Stuart:
I've paid more to get less.

Stuart:
If that woman ever shows her face again, I will unleash a punishment upon her she cannot even fathom.

Carter:
What are you gonna do? You gonna date her?

James:
Each year my mom makes a candy Nativity scene. [Carter walks by] Chocolate Jesus.

Carter:
James, at work, just call me Carter.

Stuart:
Oh take it outta hyper-gay!

Mayor Winston:
I am not a child, and I *will not* be treated like one!

Charlie:
Sir, you forgot your shoes.

Mayor Winston:
I don't care.

Stuart:
This is New York. You can't swing a mesh tank top without hitting a gay guy.

Charlie:
It says you're involved in the war against pornography.

Stuart:
No, that's 'the war on the war' against pornography.

Charlie:
I thought that was a typo!

[Carter tires of giving dating advice]

James:
Nikki asked me to get her a drink. What should I bring her?

Carter:
I don't know... a drink?

James:
She said to surprise her.

Carter:
Serve it to her naked.

[the staff is concerned that the mayor may cheat on his wife]

Mike:
All right, everybody huddle up, close your eyes, I want to paint you a mental picture; the mayor is very vulnerable tonight, there are a lot of reporters here tonight, and also in attendance is a woman I will refer to simply as "The Shark", whereas the Mayor is like an older, slow-moving sea lion.

Stuart:
[French accent] I will stay aboard the Calypso, while my assistant, Mike, dive into the ocean to join in the life and death struggle between the shark and the noble sea lion.

[Stuart visits Carter at his gym. Carter is wearing a headband]

Stuart:
Hey carter, is that headband to keep the bald out of your eyes?

Mike:
My friend Sebastian saw you at a dance club Friday night.

Stacey:
How'd he know it was me

Mike:
You had your tongue in his mouth

Mike:
Stuart, what makes someone a hero?

Stuart:
I'd have to go with x-ray vision.

Mayor Winston:
Mike, look out that window. We preside over the greatest city in the world.

Mike:
Sir, that's New Jersey.

Mike:
I know the German word for constipation, which I believe is farfrompoopin.

James:
How many women have you slept with?

Stuart:
Roughly...

James:
I don't care *how* you did it, you sicko.

Stacey:
Carter, act like my boyfriend.

Carter:
Sorry, I don't have time to buy a Camaro and alienate your parents.

Paul:
I can't seem to get Claudia pregnant. Every night she's on my back riding me.

Mike:
I think I've zeroed in on your problem.

Mike:
Why don't you like me anymore?

Nikki:
I don't want to talk to you about this. You're just going to confuse me. You're too charming, you're too smart, you're too clever.

Mike:
I can change.

Heidi Klum:
We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

Caitlin:
I'm gonna run this campaign, I'm gonna win it and you can't stop me.

Mike:
Let's not get so dramatic, okay? This is not some cheesy soap opera.

Mike:
I know you think you have all the answers, but believe me, you need what I have up here.

Caitlin:
What, half a bottle of mousse?

Paul:
You know, I suck up to you until I'm out of suck and I'm out of up, and what do you do? You come in, you take my office! Why don't you say we switch roles for a minute, okay? How bout you kiss *my* ass for a while?

Caitlin:
Mike, believe it or not, the whole universe does not revolve around you.

Mike:
Are you calling my mom a liar?

Deirdre:
All right Blondie, listen up, here's the rules. You stay away from my man, or you and I are going to be co-starring in a play I like to call, "Deirdre the Prison Guard".

Caitlin:
No offense, but I'm not interested in your man, so why don't you just march those $12 pumps back to the trailer park and whip up some dinner for cousin dad?

Mike:
This is like a step back in time!

Owen Kingston:
Though men like us look to the future.

[Mike is on TV]

Mike:
I can't believe that's me.

Mayor Winston:
Oh, I know ALL about that. You're here talking, but you're there talking... tricky.

Mayor Winston:
Did you know that when I was in college, I made a student film?

Mike:
Really?

Mayor Winston:
The Yale Daily News called it "an incoherent mess".

Mike:
Nothing gets done without me knowing.

Caitlin:
I fired James.

Mike:
Touch

Charlie:
Sir. You called me Charlie!

Mayor Winston:
Ah, don't let it go to your head, Mike!

Caitlin:
I'm gonna take you down to the park, take off all your clothes, and... smear you with honey.

[why Mike's not interested in kissing her after she is 2 hours late home]

Mike:
By 9.30, well, something had built up. Let's call it... tension. And you know me... I'm a problem solver!

Nikki:
Oh... Mike!

[Mike suspects he's cursed]

Mike:
Your grandmother does have special powers, does she?

Stacey:
No.

Mike:
She can't place a hex or a curse on somebody, can she?

Stacey:
She can place a curse, but she can't fly.

Stuart:
Nice dress Nikki. Who are you gonna meet - Felicity?

Nikki:
You actually watch Felicity?

Stuart:
Not since she cut her hair.

Nikki:
[on the phone] No, mom, I'm not a lesbian. What? No, mom! I'm not a lesbian! I sleep with men. I sleep with lots of men. I'm a slut for God's sake!

[Stuart is making fun of Carter's boyfriend, who is a boxer]

Mike:
That's right, Stuart. Taunt the professional ass kicker.

[James has been told to look after the Mayor's daughter]

Stuart:
Hey Mike. I'm free. Why don't you let me look after the Mayor's daughter?

Mike:
The same reason they don't give guns to monkeys.

Stuart:
I take my coffee the way I take my women.

Stacey:
Are you sure you want to pay 75 bucks for a cup of coffee?

[Paul has just got kicked out by his mother]

Carter:
Oh, to be cast out to the world at the tender age of 40.

Charlie:
I couldn't face have lost my father, and I runaway from my home. I lived alone, without my family, but, I lived many adventures, and I have many friends.

Psychologist:
Well Charlie, that's very interesting.

Caitlin:
Of course it is, it's The Lion King!

Paul:
I'm getting sued for being shot in the head?

Mike:
Can you believe this guy?

Carter:
No. He has absolutely crossed the line. Who are we talking about?

James:
Can men do this?

Mike:
Men, yes. You, no.

Paul:
If this gets out then I'll be the laughingstock of the city!

Stuart:
Oh that ship has sailed.

[the Mayor is about to meet the President]

Mayor Winston:
What if I slap him?

Caitlin:
Why would you slap him?

Mayor Winston:
Well, you know, you tell yourself, "Don't slap the President, don't slap the President."

[locked in Paul's trunk]

Caitlin:
I know you would enjoy this.

Mike:
What are you taking about? I am not enjoying this!

Caitlin:
Yes you are. I can feel "it."

Mike:
That's a tire iron.

Caitlin:
I don't care what sick name you call it! Get it off me!

[Pulls out a tire iron]

Mike:
See.

Caitlin:
Ok. Then what is "that!

Mike:
Ok. I am a little excited.

[Caitlin kissed Mike when there was turbulence]

Mike:
I get it. So whenever you're scared, you make out with guy nearest to you. Someday, you're going to make some mugger really happy.

Mike:
Hey, that is it. I'm officially taking down the suggestion box. "Wisconsin Rules!" is not a suggestion.

James:
I know, I just wanted to hear someone else say it. Wisconsin Rules!

Janelle Cooper:
[after beating Stewart in Air Hockey] Stewart, here's the fax you've been waiting for. And a message from Roberta in payroll. Oh, and I almost forgot. I also have your pride, self-respect, and what's left of your manhood.

Carter:
You should get that back. Might need that someday.

James:
Stewart, I don't feel well. Knowing about Mike's mom and the Mayor is killing me.

Stuart:
James, secrets are power. You get something good like this, you sit on it. Right now, you leak it, it's just office gossip that makes everyone uncomfortable, BUT, in 20 years when Mike's running for President, this little gem gets me an ambassadorship to Sweden.

James:
What do I get?

Stuart:
Topless postcard from Sweden!

Claudia Sacks Lassiter:
You are the man with the rose at a table away from the bathroom? I missed you, Paulie!

Paul:
Oh Claudia, I missed you too!

Claudia Sacks Lassiter:
I missed you more!

Paul:
Oh no, I don't think that's possible, you don't know my capacity for missing somebody!

Claudia Sacks Lassiter:
Well I couldn't even concentrate!

Paul:
That's nothing! I couldn't sleep!

Claudia Sacks Lassiter:
I couldn't eat!

Paul:
Really? How did you stay alive?

Mayor Winston:
[to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] That used to be my ass, Flaherty.

Stuart:
[to Mike, after a picture of Mike kissing Heidi Klum's butt appears on the front page of a newspaper] What did Heidi Klum's butt taste like?

Mike:
Stealing someone's fianc?e. Priceless.

Deirdre:
[to Carter] I have three words for you: Dog. Butt. Firecracker!

Mike:
God is for weekends, sir. He's like Michelob.

Jennifer Duncan:
[Charlie and Jennifer finish watching a report about each other] I better get going.

Charlie:
Okay... Have you seen my boxers?

Jennifer Duncan:
[Jennifer gets out of bed] Oh, yeah, I'm wearing them.

Charlie:
Okay.

Jennifer Duncan:
[looks around the room] Have you seen my thong? [Charlie looks under the blankets to discover he is wearing it and sadly nods]

Mayor Winston:
New York City, this is the mayor. I have been stolen.

Mike Flaherty:
[Mike trying to quell the anger of insulting the local Native-Americans] Once again Chief, the Mayor and I would like to apologise for yesterdays unfortunate misunderstanding. We would like you to come to City Hall and we thought we'd all take the bowl down to the Museum of Natural History together.

Chief Phil:
I don't know, Mr Flaherty. You can't pacify us with some hollow ceremony. We feel...

Mike Flaherty:
We'll plug your new casino.

Chief Phil:
Done.

Mike Flaherty:
Carter, as always I appreciate your initiative. Programming our computers to automatically replace the word black with the more politically correct African American, that was, that's, that's just smart thinking.

Carter Heywood:
Something should have been done long ago.

Mike Flaherty:
Yeah. I'm holding in my hand one of a thousand invitations that went out for the Mayor's press corp dinner next week. It's obviously a formal event because [pause] African American tie is required.

James Hobert:
[talking about disgraced candidate] You said there would be a show of support for him.

Mike Flaherty:
Yes, Yes... a show of support. Not actual support.

Carter Heywood:
[Paul has just learned that Carter makes more money than him] Hope it doesn't bother you that I make a little bit more money than you.

Paul Lassiter:
Please, Carter... It's going to take a lot more to hurt our friendship than $899.43 a year after taxes.

Carter Heywood:
Good.

Paul Lassiter:
[Paul trips Carter while walking away] What's the matter? Your big fat wallet didn't break your fall.

Mike Flaherty:
[getting Carter to help with break-in at Mayor's office] Carter, I need help.

Carter Heywood:
Ha, I see. Need a break-in, get a black man to help. Black People know all about committing crimes.

Mike Flaherty:
I didn't say that. Don't be so sensitive.

Carter Heywood:
Oooh, Gay man too sensitive.

Mike Flaherty:
If it so offensive to you, you know, fine, don't help.

Carter Heywood:
No, no, sounds cool. I'm in.

Carter Heywood:
Michael. May I come in?

Mike Flaherty:
Come in... Come out... We're doing everything today.

Stacey Paterno:
It was so great Aunt Marie, thank you so much for visiting.

Aunt Marie Paterno:
I had a great time, Stac. I really did. Ah, and look that 'things-to-do' list you made me, I checked off everyone.

Stuart Bondek:
You know Marie, the whole time you were here you completely ignored me.

Aunt Marie Paterno:
[looking at her things-to-do list] Check.

Stuart Bondek:
Normal people download nudie pictures. You, on the other hand, spend time at the Amish home page.

Paul Lassiter:
They have nudie pictures.

Stuart Bondek:
[interested] Really? How do you log on?

Carter:
[having arguement about them being friends with each others ex's] You will regret this. [talking about Bennett] One day he will annoy you.

Stuart:
[talking about deirdre] One day she will burn off all your body hair!

Deidre West:
Well, then. Let's get this party moving. I have three words I wanna run past ya. Dog. Butt. Firecracker.

Deidre West:
[entering the room yelling] STUART!

Stuart:
O' wait, you are suppose to stay ten feet away from me at all times.

Stuart:
[Deidre throws out a measuring tape to Stuart] Ah, ten feet.

Deidre West:
Give or take a few inches depending on how glad you are to see me.

Caitlin Moore:
[Caitlin is unaware that Carter and Stewart have an old Star Search video of her singing the theme of Flashdance] What make you think that you're not gonna do the work?

Carter Heywood:
Just a feeling. But "what a feeling".

James Hobert:
Mike, I'm proud of you.

Mike Flaherty:
This is what I hear.

James Hobert:
I know it sounds silly but I grew up without an older brother and I guess I need someone in my life to look up to. And Mike, 'You Complete Me'.

Mike Flaherty:
James, you had be at proud.

Stuart Bondek:
[Mike puts a hundred dollars on the table to make Deidre drop the law-suit] Mike, if you keep throwing money around she just gonna start dancing.

Deidre West:
Your a toad.

Stuart Bondek:
Your a tramp.

Deidre West:
[Deidre and Stuart get up to fight with Mike in the middle] OK, that's it. Let's go daisy boy.

Mike Flaherty:
Stuart, Get out! Get out! Go!

Stuart Bondek:
I slept with your sister!

Deidre West:
I was there, you idiot.

Mike Flaherty:
You don't need a statement. There is no story here.

Reporter #2:
Are you, are you trying the Jedi mind trick on us?

Paul Lassiter:
People with facial hair seem smarter.

James Hobert:
Really?

Paul Lassiter:
Yea, think about it... take Abe Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Bert Reynolds.

James Hobert:
And my Aunt Sally, she's smart as a whip.

Paul Lassiter:
When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie I get shot.

Mike Flaherty:
[learning the Mayor is at the club] I'm heading down to Cabot House, you go back and hold down the fort.

Carter Heywood:
Fine, but it I hear you had a hamburger or got a massage, so help me God there's going to be trouble.

Mike Flaherty:
[Mayor's daughter is not coming for Thanksgiving] Well sir, look on the bright side. At least your Dad's coming.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Now don't get me wrong, my father and I have this wonderful, healthy relationship. We just don't like each other.

Mike Flaherty:
Sir, who are you with in this picture?

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Ah, that's Nikki's boyfriend. We went on a fishing trip together.

Mike Flaherty:
This is Tony DiMarco. He's the President of Thunderbird Sanitation... he's a known mobster.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
I thought it was odd when he said, Let's go wack some fish.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[talking to Mike] We mustn't forget that we brought Carter on board because he represents a segment of society that had no voice in this administration. Make sure he understands we really want to hear what he has to say. We just can't listen to him.

Inga:
[In a hotel room and hearing the name Charlie Crawford on TV] Charlie, what did you saw you last name was again?

Charlie Crawford:
Whoa, lets not rush things.

Joan Calvin:
[In negotiations] I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement. If the tow booth collectors would have picketed, then the entire city would be gridlocked.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
I would hate to have to look down and see that from my helicopter.

Mike Flaherty:
[Mayor has fallen into a deep hole] James, you wait here and make sure no one finds out about this.

James Hobert:
I'm going to wait here better than anyone, Mike.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[from the hole] What am I suppose to do?

James Hobert:
Aaah, pretend your Bugs Bunny.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
I don't think that's a good idea.

James Hobert:
Why is that, Sir?

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
It's Wabbit Season.

Carter Heywood:
[after Carter is wrongfully arrest] I swear, when that cop looked at me all he saw was black.

Stuart Bondek:
The cops a fool. When I look at you I see a friend. And I see a co-worker. But most importantly I see a big fruit.

Carter Heywood:
[laughs] Thanks a lot, Stuart. That's the first time I'd smiled all day.

Stuart Bondek:
Then I take it you were not stripped search.

James Hobert:
[on a stakeout in the new police truck and a man approaching the undercover cop] Right over there. He's up to no good. Come on baby do your dirty deed.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
I can't hear anything. Hit that button over there that controls the sound.

Stuart Bondek:
I'm pretty sure that's the intercom.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[Mayor hit button and is now broadcasting on the intercom for everyone to hear] I think I know what an intercom looks like.

Stuart Bondek:
Hey, your the Mayor.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[still broadcasting] See that guy. He's about to buy some drugs. But what he doesn't know is the other guy is a cop.

Stuart Bondek:
[Paul has been sucking up to Catlin all day and now she asks about Paul's office] Paul, she's asking about your office because she's going to take it from you.

Paul Lassiter:
Oh, God. Well fasten you seat-belt, kids. Because Big Daddy's about to make the jump into hyper-suck.

Paul Lassiter:
[giving Claudia her phases of Valentine] Phase 3 is a carriage ride around the city.

Claudia:
Oooh, those are expensive.

Paul Lassiter:
Well, I have a coupon.

Paul Lassiter:
[thinking about trying to liven up the press conferences] What am I suppose to do tell 'Knock-Knock' jokes?

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Wait, wait, that's a great idea.

Paul Lassiter:
Thank you, Sir.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
We need to make our policy statements more entertaining. You know, spice things up with a few jokes.

James Hobert:
Sir, I think that's a bad idea.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Well then its official, we're doing it.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[Mike has just told the Mayor that Janelle wants to break-up with him] Ah, she's been trying to tell me for a while and I just couldn't listen. Well, I'm going down gracefully. I don't want to make this uncomfortable for her. Gonna write her a letter.

Mike Flaherty:
That's a nice idea, Sir.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[pushes the intercom] Janelle, could you come in and take some dictation.

Paul Lassiter:
[talking about Mayor's party] I can't wait for the party. Every year the Mayor and I sing a song together.

James Hobert:
Hey, can I sing with the Mayor this time?

Paul Lassiter:
Well that depends, are you, me?

James Hobert:
You know what they called me in grade school, 'Leaky'.

Nikki Faber:
I'm afraid to ask.

James Hobert:
Oh, it's not what you think, I use to wet my pants.

James Hobert:
Stuart, Mike told me to fire Deidre. And, ah, I have to admit, I'm a little afraid.

Stuart Bondek:
Look James, the thing you have to understand about Deidre is- under her rough and vicious exterior...

James Hobert:
She's a sweet and venerable woman?

Stuart Bondek:
No, she the scariest b*tch I've ever seen.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[the Mayor is paranoid about getting killed after an incident] I'm a public figure , Mike. Now I know this sounds silly to you, but yesterday made me feel very venerable.

Mike Flaherty:
Why all of the sudden, now? I mean, you've been mayor for three years.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
I use to be married to Helen, I didn't care if I got shot.

Mike Flaherty:
Will you do me the honor of being my best man?

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
The honor would be all mine. And I don't want you to think, for a minute, that you're making a mistake just because my marriage was a total disaster.

Mike Flaherty:
Right. Well sir, I'm... I'm sure there was some... some good times.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Nope! My marriage was twenty-five years of root canal with no anesthetic. A never ending plane ride with a cabin full of crying babies.

Mike Flaherty:
Sir, save some of that for the toast.

Paul Lassiter:
[talking about women] they will just dump you, lock you out of your apartment, never return your calls...

James Hobert:
Are you talking about Claudia?

Paul Lassiter:
[softly] maybe.

Paul Lassiter:
Could you imagine how pathetic my life might seem if my mom had not let me move back in with her?

Mike Flaherty:
Paul, I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'we can only guess'.

Stuart Bondek:
[after Caitlin and Nikky breaks his "Breast Paperweight", he picks another from his desk] They sell it in pairs. Daaaaahhhh.

Stuart Bondek:
[Stuart explaining the new paper-weight on his desk that looks like a woman's breast] I was just trying to explain to Nikki its not a breast. It's a non-sexual abstract piece of art.

Caitlin Moore:
Oh yea, Where did you get it?

Stuart Bondek:
The Knocker Locker.

[first lines]

Mike Flaherty:
Finally, a little matter of the Mayor's New Year Eve party tonight. Now, you're not obligated to go but attendance is mandatory.

Charlie Crawford:
Look, I don't want you to freak out or anything, but... before she met me, Jennifer was romantically involved with another woman.

Caitlin Moore:
Oh my God, she has?

Charlie Crawford:
Yeah. You're not offended or disgusted in any way?

Caitlin Moore:
No, I'm just more surprised than anything else. Actually I'm little jealous. Every girlfriend I've known has been with a woman or experimented with one, but me.

Caitlin Moore:
I hired Blake strictly based on his qualifications.

Charlie Crawford:
Not on his looks?

Caitlin Moore:
Nooo. Why, you think he's good looking?

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
For god sakes Caitlin, open your eyes. The man's delicious.

Claudia:
You should just go find the Mayor and apologize. No one ever solved anything by hiding.

Paul Lassiter:
The Von Trapp's did.

Carter Heywood:
Just because I'm gay it doesn't mean I sleep with every guy I get a chance to. Look at you, your straight. Do... Do you sleep with every woman you get a chance to?

Stuart Bondek:
YES!

[On Nikki & Arthur]

Mike:
So, What's with the big night?

Carter:
I thought you were over her.

Mike:
I lie a lot. What are you new here?

Mitsy:
Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Paul Lassiter:
Well, keep in touch.

Mitsy:
Here's my number. I'll make you some of my home cooking. Maybe I should take your number

Claudia Lassiter:
[grabs the paper with the phone number] Oh, we don't have a phone so your going to have to call us.

Mitsy:
OK... Wait... Oh, OK

James:
Mike, proud of you!

Mike:
This is what i hear...

James:
I know it sounds a little silly... you know i grew up without an older brother and i guess i need someone in my life to look up to... mike you complete me...

Mike:
James, You had me at proud!

Mayor Winston:
Nothing tugs on your heart strings like a group of men singing like women.

Deidre West:
[coming into the scene] STUART!

Stuart Bondek:
Hey, Deidre.

Deidre West:
Are you showing naked pictures of us around the office?

Stuart Bondek:
Yes.

Deidre West:
Well it's about time.

Carter Heywood:
I do have another idea, but it's a little far fetched.

Mike Flaherty:
I don't care, I'm desperate.

Carter Heywood:
All right. You're going to have to get your hands on a time machine.

Paul Lassiter:
[Paul is suppose to get Carter and Stuart super bowl tickets for letting him spend the night] Guys, bad news. Turns out transportation isn't included in the Super Bowl package.

Carter Heywood:
Well, that's OK, Paul. I guess we can pay for our own flights.

Paul Lassiter:
Why would you want to fly to New Jersey?

Stuart Bondek:
Paul, the Super Bowl is in Atlanta.

Paul Lassiter:
No, its not. It's at the biggest bowling alley in Trenton.

Carter Heywood:
Paul, we thought you were taking us to the football Super Bowl.

Paul Lassiter:
What are you, High? You guys only put me up for one night and no offense, it's not exactly the Red Roof Inn.

Paul Lassiter:
I just got mugged. Yea... yea... just got mugged. He took everything. He even took my crime statistics. Somewhere in this city there's a guy walking around with my wallet, my cell phone and a big pie-chart showing how much crime has dropped. I'm sure there all getting a big laugh out of that back at the hideout.

Mike Flaherty:
[in hospital] Doc, this operation, it won't hurt, will it?

Dr. Cosimi:
You shouldn't feel a thing.

Mike Flaherty:
Shouldn't? You mean won't, right? Or definitely will not.

Dr. Cosimi:
Yes, most likely will not.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[James has let the Mayor borrow one hundred dollars and is now broke. James tried to steal from candy machine] James, you all right?

James Hobert:
I'm hungry, Sir. I didn't have enough cash for lunch today.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Well, hunger is a funny thing. For instance, I just had a huge steak at a four star restaurant and gosh, I still having a craving for a candy bar.

James Hobert:
I stole from a bowl in the lobby and drank six non-dairy creamers.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[looking through his cash heavy billfold] This thing does not take twenties. You would'n have a dollar, would you?

James Hobert:
[holding his last dollar] I just have one, Sir. I was saving it for a subway token home.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[grabs the dollar] Well, spoil yourself. Take a cab.

James Hobert:
[people making noise] Hey, do you guys mind? It's been a life long dream of mine to do some real writing. And I finally been commissioned to do a piece for a very respected National magazine.

Carter Heywood:
Oh, really- 'The New Yorker'? 'Vanity Fair'?

James Hobert:
'Sassy'.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[Mayor going to give advice about marriage] Mike, let me tell you a little bit about marriage...

Mike Flaherty:
Sir, I met Laurie when she was your ex-wife's divorce lawyer.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
Well, that about sums it up.

Nikki Faber:
[Carter has been seeing this rich guy]... according to this, he has never given a cent to charity.

Carter Heywood:
Oh my god. How can I fall for someone that doesn't do charity work.

Stuart Bondek:
Wouldn't bother me.

Stuart Bondek:
Stuart, dating you is charity work.

Nikki Faber:
[Carter has been seeing this rich guy]... according to this, he has never given a cent to charity.

Carter Heywood:
Oh my god. How can I fall for someone that doesn't do charity work.

Stuart Bondek:
Wouldn't bother me.

Carter Heywood:
Stuart, dating you is charity work.

James Hobert:
[Stuart comes into work all beaten up] Gees Stuart, what happen to you.

Stuart Bondek:
Remember that woman I have been seeing, the one married to the bouncer. Last night when I went home he was waiting for me. I have no idea how he found out.

James Hobert:
[James and Paul start to sn*gger] Do you want to know how he found out?

Paul Lassiter:
[Now laughing] We Told him! GOTCHA!

Stuart Bondek:
That's not a practical joke, you idiots. I'm really hurt I may have a concussion.

James Hobert:
[James and Paul laughing hysterically] Yes! SCORE!

Paul Lassiter:
[still laughing] And that's not all, we also called your mother.

Stuart Bondek:
You told my mother I was sleeping with a married woman?

Paul Lassiter:
[laughing] We told her you we DEAD!

Stuart Bondek:
You guys are crazy. I've got to go see my mother.

James Hobert:
[still laughing and giving high fives] WE RULE!

Stuart Bondek:
[offstage and hearing a dog bark] Hey, down boy. I don't have any drugs on me.

Paul Lassiter:
[crying laughing] Thanks what you think!

Paul Lassiter:
Can't believe they called off our softball game, last night.

Carter Heywood:
Yea, that's a shame.

Mike Flaherty:
Hey, nice game last night everybody. Carter clutch hit in the seventh.

Paul Lassiter:
[disappointed] Well, there sounds like there was a game last night.

Mike Flaherty:
No, you know, as a matter of fact, they... they cancelled the rest of the season. Everybody else, our book club meets tonight at seven. On field three.

Paul Lassiter:
[Introducing the Mayor at the opening of new restrooms] Ladies and Gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome to the next step in our Quality of Life campaign. This toilet represents everything the Winston administration stands for. Sir.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[comes to the mic] Thank you, Paul.

James Hobert:
Mike, the band called there not going to show. They get a better offer to play the funeral.

Mike Flaherty:
Alright, from now on you are the band.

James Hobert:
Cool! Can I be Loverboy?

Mike Flaherty:
You gave him a 10?

Judge:
10 out of 12.

Mike Flaherty:
12? How come?

Judge:
The first judge have 12 fingers.

Mike Flaherty:
Oh my god. What a freak.

Judge:
[Showing 12 fingers on his hands] He was my grandpa!

Mike Flaherty:
Tell you what... I'll make a deal with you. You do this for me, when we build that Performing Arts Center we will name it after you.

James Hobert:
It will be called 'The James Hobert Performing Arts Center'?

Mike Flaherty:
Around the office... it will.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[Paul's pet turtle Frank has been missing] The Pope's visit inspired me a great deal and like him, my goal is to spread the message of hope. Paul, your turtle is dead.

Paul Lassiter:
That can't be true, Sir. Frank is a fighter.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
No he's not. You have to heal yourself and move on. Besides, a turtle is a stupid dumb animal probably doesn't even know he's dead.

Paul Lassiter:
Thank you, Sir. Your words are of great comfort to me.

Caitlin Moore:
[to Charlie] "You're so self-confident, so self-assured, with so little reason to be that way."

Nikki Faber:
[Nikki has only told Carter a secret about her dream of playing football with Mike.- Nikki's calling Mike] Why doesn't Mike answer?

Stuart Bondek:
Who knows. Maybe they finished dinner. Maybe there at a movie. Maybe there tossing a football back and forth.

Carter Heywood:
[Nikki looks a Carter and angrily leaves the room] Stuart! I trusted you.

Stuart Bondek:
I know, that what makes it so sweet.

Stuart Bondek:
[Stuart applies at the gay gym to get girls] This is great! Your gay gym rejected my application.

Carter Heywood:
Stuart, under 'personal goals' you put 'two chicks in a hot tub'.

Stacey Paterno:
The dry cleaner said he can clean the coat, no problem.

Mike Flaherty:
I love Mr. Kim.

Stacey Paterno:
Yeah, but he was lying.

Nikki Faber:
Wait, how can you possibly know that ?

Stacey Paterno:
Oh, I can tell when people are lying. It's a gift.

James Hobert:
You know, I have a friend who can do the same thing.

Stacey Paterno:
No, you don't.

James Hobert:
Ok. it's a friend of a friend.

Mike Flaherty:
So, the other day when Carter said he was feeling sick and he had to go home early.

[ Stacey shakes her head ]

Carter Heywood:
Hey ! I was feeling a little sale at Barneys.

Mike Flaherty:
What if I were to say that I were the worlds greatest lover ?

Stacey Paterno:
I'd say that you believe it to be true.

Mike Flaherty:
Right, that's good enough for me.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[entering staff meeting the day after getting mugged] Well, I just want everyone to know, I'm OK. It was pretty scary, though. Should have seen this guy, he was huge.

Mike Flaherty:
[the staff knows that they got mugged by a girl] Sir, they all know.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[disappointed] Oh... , Paul ran like a sissy.

Caitlin Moore:
[at the funeral wake for the Mayor's father] How is the Mayor, is he OK?

Mike Flaherty:
He was a little rough this morning but I think he's going to pull through.

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr.:
[enters the chapel] I'm sorry everyone, I got stuck in traffic. I guess my dad's not the only late Randall Winston... Haa... oh... tough crowd... Gees who died?

Stacey Paterno:
So James, I heard you won three hundred dollars last night.

Paul Lassiter:
If Mike wasn't helping him I would have cleaned his clock.

Mike Flaherty:
Paul, the last time you went to Atlantic City you lost forty dollars in the stamp machine.

Paul Lassiter:
They put them next to the slot machines just to get ya.