Stardust

Quartus, Quintus, Sextus:
Secundus!

Secundus:
Sextus, Quartus, Quintus, you're alive! [the three shake their heads] Oh. I'm-

Sextus:
-stuck like this until the new king is crowned.

Secundus:
I was that close.

Quartus:
Least you haven't lost your looks. [he, Quintus and Sextus snicker]

Secundus:
Oh, please, you're not annoyed about that whole murder thing, are you? I'm mean, that was ten years ago.

Quartus:
Yeah, great deal of good it did killing me, didn't it, Secundus? Because now, of course, you are King of all Stormhold. Oh, sorry, wait, you're dead.

Dunstan:
I thought I heard you come in. [notices Tristan is holding some ice against his eye.] What happened? Are you hurt?

Tristan:
No, I'm fine.

Dunstan:
Humphrey again?

Tristan:
No, actually, it was the Guard. The Guard of the Wall.

Dunstan:
(disbelieving) Tristan, he's ninety-seven years old.

Tristan:
Well, that's given him plenty of time to practice then, hasn't it?

Tristan:
[having crashed against and falling on top of Yvaine] Mother? Oh! Oh, Mother. I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

Yvaine:
No, I'm not, and I'm not your mother, so get off me!

Tristan:
[stands up] You're not my mother?

Yvaine:
Do I look like I'm your mother?

Tristan:
[to Yvaine] Excuse me, but have you seen a fallen star anywhere?

Yvaine:
You're funny.

Tristan:
No, I'm serious. We're in a crater; this must be where it fell.

Yvaine:
Yeah, this is where it fell. It is. Or, if you want to be really specific, up there is where this weird, bloody necklace came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens when it was minding its own business. And over there is where it landed. And right here, this is where it got hit by a magical, flying moron!

Bishop:
[toasting the princes] To the new King of Stormhold. Whichever of you fine young men it might be.

The Princes:
To the new King of Stormhold. [They acknowledge him and drink. The bishop's face contorts and he collapses, dead. They look uncomprehendingly at their cups, and then eye each other suspiciously. Tertius breaks the atmosphere with a laugh, then chokes and dies]

Septimus:
[To Primus] You-

[Clutches his throat and chokes on the poison, falls. Primus' eyes light up in realization, and he picks up the crown reverently. Septimus sits up, laughing]

Septimus:
You really thought you were king?

Primus:
You killed the bishop.

Septimus:
No, Primus, I think you'll find that you killed the bishop by drinking from the wrong cup. [Primus looks crestfallen] Oh look, once you've finished wrestling with your conscience, I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.

Yvaine:
You've got a Babylon candle?

Tristan:
Yeah, I have a bubbling candle.

Yvaine:
A Babylon candle.

Tristan:
That's what I said.

Yvaine:
You said "bubbling."

Ditchwater Sal:
Who goes there? What do you want with me, a poor old flower—

Lamia:
Oh do shut up. I know what you are, and I swear by the ordinances of the Sisterhood to which we both belong, that I mean you no harm this day. I wish to share your meal.

Lamia:
Limbus grass! You dare to steal truth from my lips by feeding me limbus grass! Do you have any idea what a big mistake you've made, Ditchwater Sal?

Ditchwater Sal:
How do you know...? Who are you?

Lamia:
Look again. [eyes darken]

Ditchwater Sal:
[falls to her knees] I shall not seek the star, Your Dark Majesty, I swear.

Lamia:
[voice booming and echoing unnaturally] Seek all you wish. You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it. You shall not perceive her even if she stands before you. [looks down to see that her arm has aged. She sighs] Pray you never meet me again, Ditchwater Sal.

Lamia:
You better be telling me the truth, you two-faced dog.

Ferdy:
I can get you one of them. Very good guard dogs; they can watch the front and the back at the same time.

Tristan:
What the hell did you do?!

Yvaine:
What did I do? What did you do?! "Think of home", that was a great plan! You thought of your home and I thought of mine, and now we are halfway between the two!

Tristan:
Oh you stupid cow! Why did you think of your home for?!

Yvaine:
You just said "home". If you wanted me to think of your home, you should've said!

Tristan:
Some crazy lady was going to cut your heart out, and you wanted more specific instructions?! Perhaps you would like it in writing, or a diagram maybe!

Tristan:
You sort of glitter sometimes. I just noticed it. Is it... is it normal?

Yvaine:
Let's see if you can work it out for youself. What do stars do?

Tristan:
Hmm.... Attract trouble?

[Yvaine pushes him, amused]

Tristan:
[grinning] All right, I'm sorry. Let me do another guess. Is it: Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Tristan Thorn?

Tertius:
[peeks his ghostly head through a wall] Hey! Guys, you gotta come and see this!

Secundus:
No thank you.

Quintus:
Pervert.

Tertius:
Suit yourselves.

Septimus:
Una?

Una:
Septimus.

Primus, Tertius, Secundus, Quartus, Quintus, Sextus:
Sister!

Narrator:
A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars or do we gaze at the stars because we are human?" Pointless really. Do the stars gaze back? Now that's a question.

Narrator:
They ruled for 80 years. But no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star, and Yvaine had given hers to Tristan completely. When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon Candle... and they still live happily ever after.

Victoria:
You can't cross the wall. Nobody crosses the wall. Now you're just being silly.

Victoria:
Listen, I'm sorry about Humphrey last night, he was really rude.

Victoria:
Well, I can't exactly say no, not after he's gone all the way to Ipswich!

Victoria:
A polar bear's head!?

Dunstan:
Because, let's be honest, it's a field. Look. Do you see another world out there? No, you see a field. Do you see anything non human? No, and you know why? Because it's a field!

Tristan:
[to Victoria] You want to grow up, and get over yourself.

Tristan:
It's all right, Humphrey; she's all yours. You two really are suited to one another.

Tristan:
Yvaine, hold me tight and think of home.

Tristan:
I find the fastest way to travel is by candlelight.

Tristan:
He told me that my true love was right in front of my eyes. And he was right.

Tristan:
You seriously think I could kill anybody? Even if I could, I mean, everlasting life? I imagine it would be kind of lonely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you loved. Then it might be different.

Lamia:
Mormo, Empusa, wake up! Now! A star has fallen!

Lamia:
Has your mind become as decrepit as your face, Empusa? You speak as if such things are freely available.

Lamia:
You would have us hunting for a Babylon candle, while some other witch finds our star, fool!

Lamia:
There's no time to waste! If we must retrieve it on foot, then we shall.

Lamia:
In my absence, I expect you to make it [their home] fit for the queens we are. When I return with our prize, all of us shall be young again.

Lamia:
I seek a fallen star. She fell not far from here, and when I find her, I shall take my great knife and cut out her heart while she still lives, and the glory of our youth shall be restored!

Lamia:
Seek all you wish! [...] You shall not see the star, touch it, smell, or hear it! You will not perceive her even if she stands before you!

Lamia:
The burning golden heart of a star at peace is so much better than your frightened little heart. Even so, better than no heart at all.

Lamia:
You can ride in the carriage or be dragged behind it. Your choice.

Lamia:
[feigning distress] Youth, beauty.... It all seems so meaningless now. My sisters are dead, everything I cared about gone. Go. Go!

Lamia:
[laughs maniacally] I owe you thanks, boy. What use was her heart to me when it was broken? And you got rid of my sisters! Now I can have it all for myself.

Yvaine:
[sarcastic, when Tristan has told her that he intends to make her a present to Victoria] But of course! Nothing says "romance" like a gift of a kidnapped injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you!

Yvaine:
If there's one thing I've learned in all my years watching earth -- is people aren't what they may seem. There are shopboys, and, there are boys who just happen to work in shops for the time being.

Yvaine:
The little I know about love is that it's unconditional. It's not something you can buy.

Yvaine:
Hmm... Murdered by pirates, heart torn out and eaten, meet Victoria... Can't quite decide which sounds more fun.

Yvaine:
[To Ditchwater Sal] Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? [Apparently so] Then I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee. You look like the wrong end of a dog. And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'll be your personal poltergeist!

Yvaine:
You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, I've seen centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... Made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves... I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan, is... I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange — no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me, too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Yvaine:
You were a mouse! You wanted cheese!

Yvaine:
What do stars do? [hugs Tristan] Shine!

Yvaine:
No star can shine with a broken heart.

Captain Shakespeare:
[after throwing the mannequin overboard] I'm taking the girl to my cabin, and mark my words, anyone who disturbs me for the next few hours will get the same treatment. [Crewman: "What, you'll...?"] No, you idiot, I'll sling you over the side as well!

Captain Shakespeare:
[after faking Tristan's murder] Oh, it works every time. An ounce of bargaining, a pinch of trickery, a soupcon of intimidation — et voila! The perfect recipe for a towering reputation without ever having to spill one drop of blood. Ever tried to get bloodstains out of a silk shirt? Nightmare!

Captain Shakespeare:
I'm thinking "Great English wordsmith," my enemies and crew are thinking [gestures dramatically] "Shake! Spear!"

Captain Shakespeare:
No, seriously, don't mention it. Reputations, you know — a lifetime to build, seconds to destroy.