Starsky & Hutch

Hutch:
Okay, let me ask you a question, which one do you want cause we're gonna stick to this?

Starsky:
I've always had a thing for blondes.

Hutch:
Good, cause I'll take anything.

Starsky:
Stop shooting my car.

Starsky:
In Bay City, when you cross the line, your nuts are mine.

Starsky:
Do it.

Starsky:
You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.

Hutch:
Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.

Starsky:
What are you doing?

Hutch:
What?

Starsky:
What was that? You just stole my voice.

Hutch:
No, I didn't.

Starsky:
Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.

Hutch:
What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

Starsky:
You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...

Huggy Bear:
I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.

Starsky:
Come on Huggy, what's the difference?

Huggy Bear:
A snitch wears a wire. A snitch is the scum of the information industry.

Hutch:
We owe you one Huggy.

Huggy Bear:
No, you're gonna owe me more than one, man.

Hutch:
Well, let's slow down with the score keeping, I may have to start remembering some of the things I've overlooked in the past and mention them to my partner. How'd that be?

Starsky:
Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it.

Reese Feldman:
Listen, jackass. You either give me a ticket, or get the hell off this stage, you dig that?

Reese Feldman:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Starsky:
Pop the trunk, Candyman.

Hutch:
You heard him. Pop it!

Captain Doby:
What the hell are you two doing?

Starsky:
Pop IT!

Starsky:
A little word of advice: next time you're watching a place, don't claim that you own it just because you're watching it, OK? I house sit for my sister all the time; it's not like I claim that I own her house, ya know what I mean?

Huggy Bear:
I found yo' nine-iron, b*tch.

Reese Feldman:
Goodbye, heroes.

David Starsky:
I like your Lincoln.

Huggy Bear:
It's a '76. Won't be out 'til next year. But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people.

Reese Feldman:
You know a lot about golf.

Huggy Bear:
I know even more about grass.

Starsky:
Wrong answer, Big Earl.

Hutch:
Yeah sure, no-one's who they say they are.

Hutch:
Yeah, he's got a point.

Starsky:
Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.

Hutch:
Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for it to be ironic.

Starsky:
You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?

Hutch:
It's border line, it's average.

Hutch:
I've always had this theory about police work. If you can't beat 'em? join 'em! Besides, a lot of cops worry about the wrong thing - crime. Not me though. I'm looking out for numero uno.

Starsky:
That's me in the leather jacket and tight jeans.

Reese Feldman:
Will you do my back, please. I don't wanna tan weird, am I tanning weird?

Kitty:
No you look really good, you're really bronzing.

Hutch:
Hey, there he is.

Willis:
How's life at the clink treating you?

Hutch:
Not great. I got this new tight-assed partner they stuck me with, but hopefully it won't last too long.

Willis:
So, you got that $20 you owe me?

Hutch:
20? Willis, I thought it was 5!

Willis:
Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.

Hutch:
Come on, ease up, I just told you things aren't going great for me down at the precinct, you know, just back off a little. Can I get it to you on Thursday?

Willis:
No later than Thursday.

Hutch:
No later than Thursday.

Starsky:
Come on cap, don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.

Kitty:
Oh my God, we almost nearly got killed.

Reese Feldman:
Thank you for pointing out something I wouldn't have realized myself. You're a real help.

Hutch:
Hey Reese, this is a nice boat, is it yours?

Reese Feldman:
Actually, that's a yacht.

Hutch:
Oh, I'm sorry, a yacht.

Starsky:
Hutch, can we please focus on the investigation?

Big Earl:
Alright guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get kinda weird... Two dragons.

Starsky:
It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8.

Hutch:
8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened at 8.

Starsky:
Well, don't sweat it, 'cause ya know what? Crime called in sick, it's gonna get a late start too.

Hutch:
Crime called in sick, I like that...

Reese Feldman:
It's not a boat, it's a yacht.

Starsky:
Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there?

Huggy Bear:
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do.

Captain Doby:
You've robbed 7 bookies over the past 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money; you haven't even arrested anybody.

Hutch:
How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.

Starsky:
Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop.

Hutch:
Oh really? Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk.

Starsky:
For your information, my hair is naturally curly.

Hutch:
No it's not.

Starsky:
Yes it is.

Hutch:
That's a perm job all the way.

Starsky:
TOUCH IT.

Captain Doby:
Hey. Why are you touching him? Jesus. You know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice. You two are partners.

Huggy Bear:
Dig this man. Someone once said: "To err is human, to forgive divine."

Hutch:
Tch. What idiot said that?

Huggy Bear:
I believe that was God - the greatest mack of all.

Starsky:
I am not my MOTHER.

Starsky:
It was my mother she always used to say it was too much car for me to handle. I couldn't handle the V8.

Kitty:
Don't stress. Just relax.

Reese Feldman:
I don't understand man, I don't understand. You can lose keys, ya know, you can lose your wallet. How... how do you lose a plane?

Drug Dealer:
Reese, come on. What do you want me to do? You got three out of four planes in. That's still a lot of coke.

Reese Feldman:
Now, see that? That's the kind of winning attitude that's gonna take this enterprise straight to the top.

Reese Feldman:
Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, "To err is human, but to forgive, well that's right on."

David Starsky:
I'm just gonna take it slow for a while, get the feel of it.

Ken Hutchinson:
No, no, that's smart. Do that.

Ken Hutchinson:
Starsky.

David Starsky:
Hang on.

Ken Hutchinson:
No. No.

David Starsky:
Hang on. Woo.

Huggy Bear:
That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear. *Nobody* touches the Bear, you dig?

Hutch:
Hey, how you doing? I'm Kansas and this is my little man, Toto.

Manetti:
Well, if it isn't Sonny & Cher.

Starsky:
Sit on it, Manetti.

Hutch:
Go to sleep tiny dancer.

Huggy Bear:
Look what the wind blew in.

Hutch:
Willis, I'd like you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.

Starsky:
Hi Willis.

Willis:
[to Hutch] Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?

Hutch:
Just shake his hand.

Starsky:
[Speaking in a deep Brooklyn-ish accent to prepare for a disguise] Hey, do me a favor, tip your hat a little bit forward. C'mon.

Hutch:
No, I like it where it is.

Starsky:
No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.

Hutch:
Will you... will you stop with that. That voice makes you sound crazy.

Starsky:
It does not make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Chain in the Southland."

Hutch:
Ohhhh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.

Starsky:
Yeah, little touches, ya know, little touches, little details. Ya wanna make the character full, real.

Starsky:
[Heather is standing completely naked] So, did you uh.. When did he.. Did he.. What.. So Hutch do you got any more questions?

Hutch:
Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?

Heather:
Gemini.

Starsky:
What uh... What do you weigh?

Heather:
What does that have to do with anything?

Starsky:
It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.

Heather:
[looks at each of her breasts] Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hutch:
Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.

Heather:
Anything else?

Starsky:
I'm good.

Hutch:
Yeah.

Starsky:
Yeah.

Hutch:
Thank you so much.

Hutch:
[waiting outside Huggy's club] What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?

Starsky:
No, I happen to take care of my personal business after work. When the taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.

Hutch:
Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?

Starsky:
I bring a thermos.

Huggy Bear:
Hutch, you'll have the usual?

Hutch:
You know it and make it a double.

Huggy Bear:
Leon, get my a man a jack and tab. And double that.

Leon:
You got it boss.

Starsky:
Hey, I'll get a seltzer with a little lime if you got it.

Huggy Bear:
I don't got it.

Starsky:
Or not. That's cool. I'm good.

Hutch:
[after seeing the Grand Torino] Whoa! Your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what you got under -

Starsky:
Hey! Hotshot! What do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino. It's not some crappy camper slash apartment. There are rules.

Hutch:
Okay, okay.

Starsky:
You do not bang on the hood. You never under any circumstances drive. And you will certainly not put your coffee mug on the roof of the car. In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.

Hutch:
You gotta be kidding me. No way!

Starsky:
What?

Hutch:
A floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current pushes it down to the next precinct.

[Hutch tries to push the body away with a stick]

Starsky:
Whoa, what are you doing?

Hutch:
Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.

Starsky:
Hey, seriously stop it.

Hutch:
The key is not to pop it. You gotta be very ginger.

Starsky:
Hey!

[Starsky points a gun at Hutch]

Hutch:
What are you doing?!

Starsky:
I said drop the stick.

Hutch:
You're gonna point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way. If it's so important knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway?

Starsky:
A murder. I'm gonna solve a murder.

Hutch:
Look at all these cops. You really want to eat here?

Starsky:
It's a great place. Pop's? Come on. If you're one of the cops you eat at Pop's.

Hutch:
What do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?

Huggy Bear:
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness books. So they say.

Starsky:
Interesting. Who would this little bird be?

Huggy Bear:
Look man. I lay it out for y'all to play it out.

Starsky:
All right. What does that mean?

Hutch:
Don't worry about it.

Big Earl:
[as Starsky tries to bribe Big Earl] I'll tell you what, I do like your blonde friend here. Let me see your belly button.

Hutch:
No. Let's go.

[hangs up the phone]

Starsky:
Hold on a second. The guy's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach. Nobody's here.

Big Earl:
Are we cool?

Starsky:
Yes, we're cool.

Big Earl:
[Hutch shows his stomach] Oh, eureka. God, that's nice. It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.

Starsky:
Hey, Hutch, I beat that guy. What was that about?

Hutch:
Sure you did. You won.

Starsky:
You saw.

Hutch:
You won. You danced your heart out.

Starsky:
And everybody saw it.

Hutch:
Shhh. Go to sleep.

Starsky:
I was robbed.

Hutch:
I know. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, tiny dancer.

Hutch:
What else can you tell me about the guys that hired you?

Chau:
Not much. Couple of whiteys. Nice suits. They pay. I do job.

Hutch:
What'd they look like?

Chau:
I don't know. They're white. All you guys look alike to me.

Hutch:
That's funny. All you guys look alike to us.

Chau:
[after the bullet falls back into the gun] Wait! There's really a bullet in the gun!

Starsky:
Yes... I know...That is the point of...Russian Roulette!

Bat Mitzvah Singer:
Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth. We know that you will.

Reese Feldman:
What's that supposed to mean?

Huggy Bear:
Look here, Hutch, you gon' have to lay up off this juice. You done had too much to drink.

Hutch:
Come on! I feel like a million bucks. I'm just laughing, having a good time.

Huggy Bear:
Look man, it ain't even funny no more. There used to be a time around here when you peed on the wall, you did it outside.

Hutch:
Lighten up! It's Friday night. Okay, it's a bar.

Huggy Bear:
Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon man. Snap out of it.

Kevin:
Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.

Monix:
Right on! Yeah!

Hutch:
Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.

Starsky:
Sit now. Do it. [Hutch huffs] Do it!

Hutch:
The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!

Starsky:
[as Finkle] This is incredible.

Hutch:
I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!

Starsky:
When I house sit for my sister I don't claim it's my house.

Starsky:
[After accidentally shooting a horse] Are you OK, little pony?

Starsky:
[kid throws a knife and hits Starsky] Ow! Oh, mama! What is your problem?

Starsky:
Do it, Do it.

Hutch:
[drunk in Huggy's bar, talking to another customer] Ruin me! He didn't care if he got ruined, that was the whole point of the episode.

Hutch:
[ducking] That ain't a kid, it's a tiny little man... And he's got knives. Goddamn.

Huggy Bear:
Look man, this grass is Alabama Creepin' Bent, as opposed to Georgia Creepin' Bent. It's lighter.

Huggy Bear:
I believe that was God - the greatest mack of all.

Reese:
Coke: it costs money. Planes: they cost money. This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces: it all costs money... Do you think Kitty's free?

Reese:
If this sh*t wasn't illegal guys, we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.

Dancin' Rick:
This floor is made for dancin', you can tell by the lights.

Starsky:
I am not...my MOTHER!!!!

Reese:
Goodbye, heroes!