Starsky and Hutch

David Starsky:
In Bay City, when you step over the line, your nuts are Mine!

David Starsky:
Stop shooting my car!

David Starsky:
When I house sit for my sister I don't claim it's my house.

David Starsky:
[After accidentally shooting a horse] Are you okay, little pony?

David Starsky:
Come on cap, don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.

David Starsky:
[kid throws a knife and hits Starsky] Ow! Oh, mama! What is your problem?

David Starsky:
A little word of advice: next time you're watching a place, don't claim that you own it just because you're watching it, OK? I house sit for my sister all the time; it's not like I claim that I own her house, ya know what I mean?

David Starsky:
That's me in the leather jacket and tight jeans.

David Starsky:
I am not...my MOTHER!!!!

David Starsky:
It was my mother she always used to say it was too much car for me to handle. I couldn't handle the V8.

David Starsky:
Do it, Do it.

Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson:
I've always had this theory about police work. If you can't beat 'em? join 'em! Besides, a lot of cops worry about the wrong thing - crime. Not me though. I'm looking out for numero uno.

Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson:
[drunk in Huggy's bar, talking to another customer] Ruin me! He didn't care if he got ruined, that was the whole point of the episode.

Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson:
[ducking] That ain't a kid, it's a tiny little man... And he's got knives. Goddamn.

Huggy Bear:
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do.

Huggy Bear:
It's a '77, won't be out 'till next year. But I know some people who know some people that rob some people.

Huggy Bear:
I found yo' nine-iron, b*tch.

Huggy Bear:
Look man, this grass is Alabama Creepin' Bent, as opposed to Georgia Creepin' Bent. It's lighter.

Huggy Bear:
That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear. Nobody touches the Bear, you dig?

Huggy Bear:
Look what the wind blew in.

Huggy Bear:
I believe that was God - the greatest mack of all.

Reese Feldman:
It costs money. Planes: they cost money. My perm, this yacht, my kid's braces: it all costs money...Do you think Kitty's free?

Reese Feldman:
If this sh*t wasn't illegal guys, we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.

Reese Feldman:
Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, "To err is human, but to forgive, well that's right on."

Reese Feldman:
Goodbye, heroes!

Big Earl:
Alright guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get weird... Two dragons.

Dancin' Rick:
This floor is made for dancin', you can tell by the lights.

Kitty:
Don't stress. Just relax.

Reese Feldman:
I don't understand man, I don't understand. You can lose keys, ya know, you can lose your wallet. How... how do you lose a plane?

Drug Dealer:
Reese, come on. What do you want me to do? You got three out of four planes in. That's still a lot of coke.

Reese Feldman:
Now, see that? That's the kind of winning attitude that's gonna take this enterprise straight to the top.

[Starsky and Hutch are in the Captain's office]

Captain Doby:
You've robbed 7 bookies over the past 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money; you haven't even arrested anybody.

Hutch:
How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.

Starsky:
Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop.

Hutch:
Oh really? Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk.

Starsky:
For your information, my hair is naturally curly.

Hutch:
No it's not.

Starsky:
Yes it is.

Hutch:
That's a perm job all the way.

Starsky:
TOUCH IT.

[Hutch touches Starsky's hair]

Captain Doby:
Hey! Why are you touching him? Jesus. You know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice. You two are partners.

Starsky:
It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8.

Hutch:
8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened at 8.

Starsky:
Well, don't sweat it, 'cause ya know what? Crime called in sick, it's gonna get a late start too.

Hutch:
Crime called in sick, I like that...

Hutch:
Hey, there he is.

Willis:
How's life at the clink treating you?

Hutch:
Not great. I got this new tight-assed partner they stuck me with, but hopefully it won't last too long.

Willis:
So, you got that $20 you owe me?

Hutch:
20? Willis, I thought it was 5!

Willis:
Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.

Hutch:
Come on, ease up, I just told you things aren't going great for me down at the precinct, you know, just back off a little. Can I get it to you on Thursday?

Willis:
No later than Thursday.

Hutch:
No later than Thursday.

Hutch:
Willis, I'd like you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.

Starsky:
Hi Willis.

Willis:
[to Hutch] Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?

Hutch:
Just shake his hand.

Hutch:
Okay, let me ask you a question, which one do you want cause we're gonna stick to this?

Starsky:
I've always had a thing for blondes.

Hutch:
Good, cause I'll take anything.

Starsky:
[Speaking in a deep Brooklyn-ish accent to prepare for a disguise] Hey, do me a favor, tip your hat a little bit forward. C'mon.

Hutch:
No, I like it where it is.

Starsky:
No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.

Hutch:
Will you... will you stop with that. That voice makes you sound crazy.

Starsky:
It does not make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Chain in the Southland."

Hutch:
Ohhhh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.

Starsky:
Yeah, little touches, ya know, little touches, little details. Ya wanna make the character full, real.

Starsky:
[Heather is standing completely naked] So, did you uh.. When did he.. Did he.. What.. So Hutch do you got any more questions?

Hutch:
Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?

Heather:
Gemini.

Starsky:
What uh... What do you weigh?

Heather:
What does that have to do with anything?

Starsky:
It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.

Heather:
[looks at each of her breasts] Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hutch:
Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.

Heather:
Anything else?

Starsky:
I'm good.

Hutch:
Yeah.

Starsky:
Yeah.

Hutch:
Thank you so much.

Hutch:
[waiting outside Huggy's club] What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?

Starsky:
No, I happen to take care of my personal business after work. When the taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.

Hutch:
Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?

Starsky:
I bring a thermos.

Huggy Bear:
Hutch, you'll have the usual?

Hutch:
You know it and make it a double.

Huggy Bear:
Leon, get my a man a jack and tab. And double that.

Leon:
You got it boss.

Starsky:
Hey, I'll get a seltzer with a little lime if you got it.

Huggy Bear:
I don't got it.

Starsky:
Or not. That's cool. I'm good.

Hutch:
[after seeing the Grand Torino] Whoa! Your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what you got under -

Starsky:
Hey! Hotshot! What do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino. It's not some crappy camper slash apartment. There are rules.

Hutch:
Okay, okay.

Starsky:
You do not bang on the hood. You never under any circumstances drive. And you will certainly not put your coffee mug on the roof of the car. In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.

Hutch:
You gotta be kidding me. No way!

Starsky:
What?

Hutch:
A floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current pushes it down to the next precinct.

[Hutch tries to push the body away with a stick]

Starsky:
Whoa, what are you doing?

Hutch:
Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.

Starsky:
Hey, seriously stop it.

Hutch:
The key is not to pop it. You gotta be very ginger.

Starsky:
Hey!

[Starsky points a gun at Hutch]

Hutch:
What are you doing?!

Starsky:
I said drop the stick.

Hutch:
You're gonna point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way. If it's so important knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway?

Starsky:
A murder. I'm gonna solve a murder.

Hutch:
Look at all these cops. You really want to eat here?

Starsky:
It's a great place. Pop's? Come on. If you're one of the cops you eat at Pop's.

Hutch:
What do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?

Huggy Bear:
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness books. So they say.

Starsky:
Interesting. Who would this little bird be?

Huggy Bear:
Look man. I lay it out for y'all to play it out.

Starsky:
All right. What does that mean?

Hutch:
Don't worry about it.

Starsky:
Wrong answer, Big Earl.

Bartender:
Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl, I'm Jeff.

Hutch:
Yeah, sure, no-one's who they say they are.

Bartender:
Seriously. Think about it, I'm not even big.

Hutch:
Yeah, he's got a point.

Starsky:
Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.

Hutch:
Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.

Starsky:
You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?

Bartender:
I don't know, 5'9"?

Starsky:
Well that is kind of...

Hutch:
It's borderline, it's average.

Big Earl:
[as Starsky tries to bribe Big Earl] I'll tell you what, I do like your blonde friend here. Let me see your belly button.

Hutch:
No. Let's go.

[hangs up the phone]

Starsky:
Hold on a second. The guy's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach. Nobody's here.

Big Earl:
Are we cool?

Starsky:
Yes, we're cool.

Big Earl:
[Hutch shows his stomach] Oh, eureka. God, that's nice. It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.

Starsky:
Hey, Hutch, I beat that guy. What was that about?

Hutch:
Sure you did. You won.

Starsky:
You saw.

Hutch:
You won. You danced your heart out.

Starsky:
And everybody saw it.

Hutch:
Shhh. Go to sleep.

Starsky:
I was robbed.

Hutch:
I know. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, tiny dancer.

Hutch:
What else can you tell me about the guys that hired you?

Chau:
Not much. Couple of whiteys. Nice suits. They pay. I do job.

Hutch:
What'd they look like?

Chau:
I don't know. They're white. All you guys look alike to me.

Hutch:
That's funny. All you guys look alike to us.

Chau:
[after the bullet falls back into the gun] Wait! There's really a bullet in the gun!

Starsky:
Yes... I know...That is the point of...Russian Roulette!

Bat Mitzvah Singer:
Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth. We know that you will.

Reese Feldman:
What's that supposed to mean?

Huggy Bear:
Look here, Hutch, you gon' have to lay up off this juice. You done had too much to drink.

Hutch:
Come on! I feel like a million bucks. I'm just laughing, having a good time.

Huggy Bear:
Look man, it ain't even funny no more. There used to be a time around here when you peed on the wall, you did it outside.

Hutch:
Lighten up! It's Friday night. Okay, it's a bar.

Huggy Bear:
Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon man. Snap out of it.

Waitress:
Hi, can I get you two a drink?

Starsky:
You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.

Waitress:
Alright, and you?

Hutch:
Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.

Waitress:
Ok? I'll be right back.

Starsky:
What are you doing?

Hutch:
What?

Starsky:
What was that? You just stole my voice.

Hutch:
No, I didn't.

Starsky:
Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.

Hutch:
What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

Starsky:
You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...

Huggy Bear:
I am an urban informer. I am not a snitch.

Starsky:
Come on Huggy, what's the difference?

Huggy Bear:
A snitch wears a wire. A snitch is the scum of the information industry.

Kevin:
Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.

Monix:
Right on! Yeah!

Hutch:
Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.

Starsky:
Sit now. Do it. [Hutch huffs] Do it!

Hutch:
The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!

Starsky:
[as Finkle] This is incredible.

Hutch:
I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!

Starsky:
Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it.

Reese Feldman:
Listen, jackass. You either give me a ticket, or get the hell off this stage, you dig that?

[Starsky point his gun at Reese]

Reese Feldman:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

Starsky:
Pop the trunk, Candyman.

Hutch:
You heard him. Pop it!

Captain Doby:
What the hell are you two doing?

Starsky:
Pop IT!

Starsky:
Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance.

[Starsky fires at the front trunk of an Volkswagen]

Hutch:
Whoa, what have we here? Does this look familiar? Some cocaine. Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab and have it analyzed this time ...

[Reese grabs Hutch; puts a gun to Hutch's neck]

Starsky:
Hutch!

Reese Feldman:
Alright, freeze! Alright, everybody freeze! Put your hands where I can see them! Do it now!

Kevin:
Put it down!

Captain Doby:
You relax pal. Relax!

Kevin:
Let's do it!

Reese Feldman:
Put that gun down or I'm gonna kill your friend right here. Do it now!

Kevin:
What the hell are we doing?

Reese Feldman:
Do it now! Put it down!

Reese Feldman:
[Kitty kisses Reese] Mmm... why'd I'd get so lucky?

Kitty:
I dunno... I just love when you talk so tough...

Reese Feldman:
Of course you do baby, that's why you're my girlfriend on the side.

Reese Feldman:
[to a drug dealer] Coke: It costs money. Planes: they cost money. This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces: it all costs money. [pointing at his mistress] Do you think Kitty's free?

Kitty:
What?

Starsky:
I like your Lincoln.

Huggy Bear:
It's a '76. Won't be out 'til next year. But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people.

Hutch:
[pointing at Starsky] I like your style.

Starsky:
[pointing at Hutch] I like your moves.

Reese Feldman:
You know a lot about golf.

Huggy Bear:
I know even more about grass.

Reese Feldman:
Will you do my back, please. I don't wanna tan weird, am I tanning weird?

Kitty:
No you look really good, you're really bronzing.

Kitty:
Oh, my God, we almost nearly got killed.

Reese Feldman:
Thank you for pointing out something I wouldn't have noticed by myself. You're a benefit to have.

Hutch:
Hey Reese, this is a nice boat, is it yours?

Reese Feldman:
Actually, that's a yacht.

Hutch:
Oh, I'm sorry, a yacht.

Starsky:
Hutch, can we please focus on the investigation?

Hutch:
[reading Starsky's report on him] "Cavorting with nefarious characters". "Conduct unbecoming an officer".

Starsky:
Come on. I wrote that thing two weeks ago, things are totally cool with us now.

Hutch:
Did you go through my locker?

Starsky:
No.

Hutch:
You went through my locker.

Starsky:
I mean, I may have looked through it while it was open but...

Hutch:
If you've got a problem with someone you tell it to their face, you come to them as a man. You don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get transferred to another precinct.

Manetti:
Well, if it isn't Sonny & Cher.

Starsky:
Sit on it, Manetti.

Starsky:
Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there?

Huggy Bear:
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do.

Huggy Bear:
Dig this man. Someone once said: "To err is human, to forgive divine."

Hutch:
Tch. What idiot said that?

Huggy Bear:
I believe that was God - the greatest mack of all.

Big Earl:
[on the phone with Reese Feldman] What are you wearing? Real quick, be honest.

Reese Feldman:
What am I wearing? A silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?

Big Earl:
Oh that's gorgeous.

Reese Feldman:
You sick son of a b*tch.

Big Earl:
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

[Reese hangs up]

Hutch:
Are you crying?

Starsky:
Hmm?

Hutch:
Are you crying?

Starsky:
[hesitating] Am I crying? I'm not crying. You are.

Hutch:
It's okay to cry. People cry.

Starsky:
Well, I'm not like many people. I'm not a crier, I don't cry, I work out. I have a job, I have hobbies...

Starsky:
I'm just gonna take it slow for a while, get the feel of it.

Hutch:
No, no, that's smart. Do that.

[Starsky accelerates]

Hutch:
Starsky.

Starsky:
Hang on.

Hutch:
No. No.

Starsky:
Hang on. Woo.

They're the man.

The original partners in crime.

Tough on crime. Easy on the eye.

Always on the lookout for a big bust.

Crimebustin's a joint effort.

Good Cops. Bad Hair.