Stay-at-Home Dads

Julian York:
Your grandkid's a looker, dude. A real doll if ya ask me. Love her locks. Gorgeous color.

Ned Wazinski:
I'm not her grandfather.

Julian York:
Oh, no? What are ya then? Her great great uncle or something? That's, like, so nice of ya to take her out for the day, dude. Ya gonna buy her some ice cream later or something?

Ned Wazinski:
I'm not her great great uncle either. I'm her father.

Ned Wazinski:
Whatcha got there, Ella?

Ella Wazinski:
Treasure.

Ned Wazinski:
That's treasure?

Ella Wazinski:
Can I keep it, Daddy?

Ned Wazinski:
It's a head broken off an action figure. We'll put it in the garbage.

Ella Wazinski:
Noooo! It's mine! I found it!

Ned Wazinski:
Okay, Ella. Don't get upset. We'll wash it when we get home and then you can keep it for a while, alright?

Ella Wazinski:
Can I keep it forever?

Ned Wazinski:
Forever's a long time.

Ella Wazinski:
I wanna keep it forever, Daddy! It's my treasure... Please!

Ned Wazinski:
Keep it forever then, sweetheart. Alright?

Ella Wazinski:
The treasure's mine forever!

Ned Wazinski:
That's right, baby girl. It's yours forever.

Julian York:
Hey, mutha, wanna 'nother?

Dillon York:
Do you gotta penis?

Ned Wazinski:
Last time I checked.

Julian York:
Don't be askin' the man 'bout his junk.

Dillon York:
Why?

Julian York:
Just go play, dude.

Dillon York:
Later gator!

Julian York:
Why'd ya not snatch that bag of peas, man? Isn't that what ya wanted?

Ned Wazinski:
It's the last one.

Julian York:
Okay, bro. What's it this time? Lay it on me.

Ned Wazinski:
You never take the last one.

Julian York:
Like, why not?

Ned Wazinski:
Last one's been handled by a lot of people.

Julian York:
Big whup. You're gonna microwave it anyhow, dude.

Ned Wazinski:
Bottom line is, no one else wanted it, and neither do I. Let's go.

Julian York:
You, like, got some serious issues, Ned. Jeffrey Dahmer serious.

Mystery Store Owner:
Some guys say after the first time ya whack a guy, ya get all jittery and sh*t. Sick to your stomach. Not me. I was f***in' starvin' like a pothead. So afterwards, I hit the Burger Barn drive-thru down the street. I specifically told the acne-inflicted punk at the window, to give me a Double Heifer with cheese, extra ketchup, and no onions. No onions. As I sped off and took a bite outta the Heifer, something was off, so I opened it up and there it was starin' me in the face... A stack of f***in' onions. Onions! I told that good for nothin' little sh*t no f***in' onions. NONE! That no good prick put 'em in anyway probably just to aggravate me. As hungry as I was that night, I had to toss that sh*t burger right out the f***in' window. Whata waste of $1.99 plus tax. F***er.