Style & Substance

Chelsea:
"The Steakhouse." Well, we can only hope the imagination saved coming up with the name is being put to good use in the kitchen!

Chelsea:
I made reservations at a wonderful new French resturaunt on Broome Street, everyone is raving about it. A friend of mine was there last week. One of the waiters slapped her face. It's like you're in Provence!

Chelsea:
It was a fling. It was meaningless; like two ships passing in the night.

Jane:
Except they didn't just pass, did they Chelsea? They docked and some of the passengers got off!

Chelsea:
Jane, when I need to feel good about myself, I look inside of me. And you know something, I'm always there for me. You need to do that. When I need approval, do you know what I do? I look to me.

Jane:
You're right.

Chelsea:
I am. Now, what are you going to do from now on?

Jane:
When I need approval, I'm gonna look to me.

Chelsea:
Uh, no. Jane, Jane, that's not what I said. You're gonna look to ME! You have to listen!

Chelsea:
Well, I don't remember all the details. Uh, he came over, we talked, we had some wine, we did it and then he left. How was the rest of your evening?

Jane:
What?

Chelsea:
How was the rest of your---

Jane:
No, go back. You did it? What do you mean "it?"

Chelsea:
Well, I think it's the only "it" there is. Isn't it?

Chelsea Stevens:
Just make sure that Gloria has a really big apron on.

Jane Sokol:
Why?

Chelsea Stevens:
Cuz when my head explodes, it's gonna go everywhere.

Jane Sokol:
Is Chelsea in yet?

Trudy Weissman:
Well, let's see. Air?

Mr. John:
On.

Trudy Weissman:
Muffin basket?

Mr. John:
Empty.

Trudy Weissman:
Buttocks?

Mr. John:
Completely relaxed.

Trudy Weissman:
She's not in.

Jane Sokol:
Since it's Chelsea's birthday today, I thought that I...

Trudy Weissman:
Oh God, she made a cake!

Mr. John:
Have you gone mad, Jane?

Jane Sokol:
What's the problem?

Trudy Weissman:
Jane, you have prepared a baked good for Chelsea Stevens, America's high priestess of style and good taste.

Bobby:
Bringing Chelsea a cake is like giving Michaelangelo a statue of a big naked guy. He's already got one and it's a hell of a lot better than yours.

Terry:
Hi, I have some bad news.

Chelsea Stevens:
No, you're not gonna come in here and give me bad news on my birthday. If you wanna give me bad news, you're gonna have to give me some good news first.

Terry:
I don't have any good news.

Chelsea Stevens:
Well, you know the rule. Make some up.

[Chelsea's redecorating Jane's apartment; Jane insists on picking out fabric for the couch]

Jane Sokol:
I like that!

Mr. John:
The raspberry?

Jane Sokol:
Yeah, I like it!

Chelsea Stevens:
Excellent. Raspberry it is. You're gonna have a lovely, stylish apartment with a big red thing smack in the middle of it. It'll be like living in a jelly doughnut!

Jane Sokol:
Well, at least I will be able to say that I was the one who chose the fabric.

Mr. John:
Oh, I would have to insist you would!

Chelsea Stevens:
Jane, do you know how many people would kill to have an apartment done by Chelsea Stevens? I've done them all, ask them! Ask Donald Trump, ask Mia Farrow, ask Barbra Streis... Wait, no don't ask Barbra. We had a slight disagreement over some Spanish tile. Boy, those fingernails hurt!

[Carol Channing makes napkin rings at Chelsea's wedding shower]

Chelsea Stevens:
Carol, I'm so glad you could make it on such short notice.

Carol Channing:
Oh, I'm thrilled to be here, Connie!

Chelsea Stevens:
Excuse me?

Carol Channing:
I was just telling this lady sitting next to me, I was telling her, I said, "I wouldn't miss Connie Stevens' shower if my life depended on it!"

Chelsea Stevens:
Chelsea! I'm Chelsea Stevens, not Connie Stevens!

Carol Channing:
Oh. Well hello, Chelsea! Could I have something to eat? A tiny sandwich? A little punch?

Chelsea Stevens:
You know, Carol, you finish your napkin rings, you get to eat like everybody else. Oh, and this is just an informal affair, Carol, so no need to sing. I'm serious, okay?

[Chelsea walks away; Carol leans toward the woman next to her]

Carol Channing:
Her sister Connie is the nice one.

[after Chelsea's disastrous wedding, she and Jane get drunk and sing]

Chelsea Stevens:
Here comes the bride, who wrecked her whole wedding. She screwed it up, and...

Jane Sokol:
Everyone saw my butt!

[after Chelsea's wedding fiasco, she and Jane get drunk and dig into a wedding cake with spoons]

Chelsea Stevens:
Wait a second, this isn't the real cake, this is the one Eduardo made for decoration.

Jane Sokol:
What's this one made out of?

Chelsea Stevens:
Well, the frosting's real but the inside is made of lard!

[Chelsea takes another bite]

Chelsea Stevens:
It's good.

Jane Sokol:
It really is!

[Chelsea's obnoxious neighbor arrives]

Mrs. Oliver:
It only took you six years to invite me over. A couple more years, I'd be dead!

Chelsea Stevens:
That long?

[Jane asks Trudy into her office; Mr. John walks in a moment later]

Jane Sokol:
Actually, Mr. John, I just wanted to talk to Trudy.

Mr. John:
Yes, Jane, but wouldn't you rather tell me directly rather than risk Trudy leaving out some crucial bit when she tells me later?

Trudy Weissman:
He's got a point, Jane.

[Mrs. Oliver's pet pig died]

Mrs. Oliver:
Don't worry about me being lonely. I'm getting another pig, and they tell me it'll grow to be three hundred pounds.

Chelsea Stevens:
Well, good for you! Just be sure and wear name tags.

Jane Sokol:
What is that? It sounds like my car alarm.

[Chelsea looks out the window]

Chelsea Stevens:
Uh yeah, they tend to go off when someone throws a planter through your windshield.

Jane Sokol:
Chelsea, in the Midwest when we have a dispute with somebody, we do something very simple...

Trudy Weissman:
Burn a cross on their lawn?

Jane Sokol:
No!

Trudy Weissman:
It was a good guess though, right?

[Trudy encourages Terry to write a letter of complaint]

Terry:
They just made a mistake. I mean, how would I feel if every time I made a mistake someone wrote a letter?

Mr. John:
Well, one can only imagine the strain on the world's paper supply.

Jane Sokol:
Oh, by the way, Tipper Gore asked if she could come in and use the bathroom. I didn't think you'd mind, so I said...

Chelsea Stevens:
Jane, I was quite specific. No one is allowed in the house.

Jane Sokol:
But Chelsea, you invited these people to your home. I mean...

Chelsea Stevens:
I invited them to my garden which, oddly enough, I keep outside. Tell Tipper I'm sorry but them's the rules.

Jane Sokol:
Chelsea, she is the wife of the Vice President!

Chelsea Stevens:
Well then I'm sure someone will give her cuts in line for the Port-O-Potty.

Mr. John:
Terry's out of the office but he wanted me to give you a message, he said it was very important.

Chelsea Stevens:
What is it?

Mr. John:
Unfortunately, that's all the information he gave me.

[Terry bites into a metal wing-nut in his candy bar]

Trudy Weissman:
This is your lucky day because now you get to write a letter of complaint to the candy company.

Mr. John:
Trudy's right. I once found a dead beetle in a bottle of champagne. I wrote the company a letter of complaint and imagine my delight when they sent me three cases of bubbly!

Trudy Weissman:
You see?

Mr. John:
Of course, I couldn't open a single bottle without retching uncontrollably.

Terry:
Um, Ken Kline called.

Chelsea Stevens:
Kevin Kline?

Terry:
No.

Chelsea Stevens:
Calvin Kline?

[Terry shakes his head]

Chelsea Stevens:
Kelly Kline? Carol Kane? Carol King... Beverly Sills?

Terry:
Yes!

[Chelsea fishes a coupon from Jane's purse and appears horrified]

Chelsea Stevens:
Macaroni and cheese? From a box?

Jane Sokol:
It's filling and inexpensive.

Chelsea Stevens:
I can't argue, Jane, but if that were the only criteria for nourishment, there'd be a lot more recipes for dirt.

[Jane's answering machine kicks on]

Jane Sokol:
Hi, this is Jane. I'm a New Yorker now, so leave a message or I'll kill you!

Chelsea Stevens:
Hi, Jane, it's Chelsea. Loved your message. The part about the killing left me cold, but I'm sure that's just me. Are you there Jane? If you're there, please pick up. Jane, if you're there and you're not picking up that would make me feel just awful, so I hope you're not doing that. Jane, I'm warning you, you're messing with the wrong lady - pick up the damned phone!

Jane Sokol:
I'm having a little trouble figuring Chelsea out. Maybe you could help me, tell me what she's really like.

Earl:
Hell, of course. You know, if you've ever been down on the farm, there's always one Philly in the barn who's proud, fiery, hard to handle, but then a storm whips out from outta nowhere - rain, wind, thunder lightning - and that same Philly's shivering in the far corner of her stall. Well, Miss Chelsea is a lot like that storm.

Chelsea Stevens:
Jane, forgive me but I was arranging my linens according to thread count and I lost track of the time.

Chelsea Stevens:
Oh, I know! We can play a game. I've got a good one, it's called Name Your Favorite Spice. This is what we do, we each name out favorite spice and then we compare. Okay? I'll go first. Cardamon!

Jane Sokol:
What?

Chelsea Stevens:
Cardamon!

Jane Sokol:
Do you hear yourself?

Jane Sokol:
You live in some strange world of potpourri and jam. Do you know that there is a real world out there, a world full of crime and poverty? Chelsea, open your eyes!

Chelsea Stevens:
The world is ugly, Jane, I know that, believe me. That's why I try to get people to see the beauty of simple things. When we grow our own vegetables, when we bake our own bread. Crime, poverty - in a world that smells of freshly baked bread? I don't think so!

Steve:
Be honest. Life without me scares you.

Jane Sokol:
It's been almost a week and I'm doing okay.

[Chelsea bursts out of the kitchen]

Chelsea Stevens:
Okay, I have two comments and one question.

Jane Sokol:
Chelsea!

Chelsea Stevens:
Hush! Comment one: Jane knows how to take care of herself. Comment two: She does not need a relationship to define herself. Question: Where do you keep your Mellonballer?

Jane Sokol:
I don't have one?

Chelsea Stevens:
Parchment paper?

Jane Sokol:
No.

Chelsea Stevens:
Your thirteen and a quarter by nine and a quarter by five-eighths baking pan? Well, I guess this is what it would be like if I was forced to cook in a Turkish prison.

Chelsea Stevens:
I'm gonna tell you both a story and I hope that you can figure out the message. A couple of years ago, some friends of mine brought their child to my home - I don't know what the hell they were thinking, but that's another story. I took the child on a tour of the grounds and out behind the compost heap we came upon a dead bird. I explained the cycle of life and death to the child. I picked the bird up gently and brought it into the house, dipped it in lacquer and stuck it on a wreath. I'm telling you, it looks incredible! So, what is the point of my story?

Jane Sokol:
When something is dead, it's dead. You have to accept it... or put it on a wreath.

Terry:
Francine Messenger called and said thanks for the padlocks.

Chelsea Stevens:
That's Nancy Kissinger, she's thanking me for the gravlax.

Terry:
Right, okay. Uh, Franklin Geller called and...

Chelsea Stevens:
That's Frank Langella.

Terry:
Okay. Uh, he needs advice on planting an urban garden.

Chelsea Stevens:
That's herb garden. Terry, breathe.

Mr. John:
So how did you meet your young prince?

Trudy Weissman:
I just walked up to him and told him his meat looked tender. Oh, did I mention he owns a deli?

Mr. John:
No, and it was a much better story before you did!