Sullen

Guy:
Does ANYBODY know who the guy in the closet is?

Jim Wisnewski:
[sarcastic] Yeah, his name's Chuck, I've known him for years.

Guy:
You know him?

Jim Wisnewski:
No, I don't know him, you f***in' moron!

Mixon:
What's that smell?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
I don't know... this is the country... are there cattle and sh*t nearby?

Mixon:
There's gotta be, it smells like a retard's bedroom out here.

Jim Wisnewski:
[steps in mud puddle] Goddamn it, I hate this place.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
What're you talking about? It's a big house, in the middle of nowhere. With chicks. And booze.

Jim Wisnewski:
I was talking about Washington! I'm so sick of rain I could f***in' puke, man.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
You've been living here how long and you're just now noticing this?

Jim Wisnewski:
[just keeps going, ignoring him]... and God forbid, the sun comes out for ten minutes and I have some a**hole weatherman - -sorry, a**hole meteorologist - -telling me to conserve water because there's gonna be a drought. And if you mention how much it rains here, some a**hole launches into this spiel about how great it is that everything's so green and how much sh*t there is to do outdoors. You know what I do outdoors? Run to my truck before I get f***ing drenched. No wonder this is the suicide capital of the world.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Bullshit, WAS the suicide capital of the world. And that was only per capita. And that was in the 80s, I think. And if I was living up here in the 80s and it was muddy, gray, and shitty all the time I probably would've capped one myself. Jesus, now I'm depressed. Again. Change the f***in' subject, will you?

Guy:
Speaking of parties, Schmit, when are you going to have us out?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Ah, I don't know about that. My weird ass, porn fiend neighbor complained last time.

Jim Wisnewski:
I thought he was a Mormon.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Mormon porn fiend, whatever - -he orders all kinds of f***ed up sh*t off the Internet and they always deliver it to my place by mistake. [playing it up] One time I accidentally opened one of those packages. And it's a movie called "Johnson & Johnson", man. You'd never believe what these two dudes are doing in the shower with soap and sh*t, all rubbin' each other up and-...

Jim Wisnewski:
[cutting him off, quick] They wash, rinse, repeat, the movie was over, change the f***in' subject!

Guy:
That reminds me, did I tell you we're tying the knot?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Are you.

Guy:
I figured it's been almost a year, I think it's time.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Good decision, I can tell you put a lot of thought into that sh*t.

Guy:
What's that mean?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Nothing, I'm sure it'll be a loving, lasting relationship built on intimacy and mutual respect.

Guy:
Oh, you're just bitter about... what's-her-name, what was it-...

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
- -EVERY F***ING WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.

Guy:
You know what I've noticed about you, man? Every time you get in a relationship you're up on cloud nine. Then when it ends, you spend two years making everybody else miserable just because they have what you want. Why can't you just be happy for somebody for once?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Because that'd be dishonest. I mean, I'm shallow, I'm not a liar.

Guy:
You've got a hell of a track record to be giving advice.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
At least I've been around the f***ing track, man! Here you are talking about marrying the third pair of live breasts you've seen in your whole life!

Guy:
Hey-...

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Look, all I'm saying, man, is this love relationship bullshit doesn't last. I mean, it's swell while it does, but it'll expire like a magazine subscription on your ass. You've known this chick, like, what, not even a year and you're all rearin' to get married?

Guy:
What's a year got to do with it?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
I'd take that year, multiply it by about two and say that's roughly how much longer you have together. First sign of choppy seas, they're jumping ship, no matter how much you think they love you. [turning away, ponderous] They're worse than f***ing housecats.

Guy:
[after a small earthquake has disrupted the party] It's okay! I think it's gonna be all right!

Jim Wisnewski:
What if there's aftershocks, Mr. Wizard?

Guy:
Nah, it's okay, I've been through way worse than this. You guys ahead and mingle, I'll be back in a bit.

Jim Wisnewski:
[surveying the party; to Schmitty] This party sucks!

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
[can't hear him] What? Shots?

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
[tries to dial his cell; gets a busy signal] No dice, gettin' a busy signal.

Guy:
A busy signal on 911? That is such bullshit, try it again.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
[tries; same busy signal] I don't know what to tell you guys, I've tried 911, I've tried 411, I've even tried 1-800-GO-ARMY, there's nobody f***ing answering.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
[sees Mixon walk carrying a shotgun and candles] Holy sh*t, where'd you get those?

Mixon:
Bedroom, man. And I found shells - -and a f***in' dildo.

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
Jesus, I hope that's for his girlfriend. So how many were - - [the Man In The Closet SCREAMS from offscreen] - -so how many were there?

Mixon:
I told you, just the one. And it was kind of sticky...

Mike 'Schmitty' Smith:
No, no, GUNS, guns...

Mixon:
Oh. Just the one.