Super Gran

Reporter:
[narrating] It began, un-remarkably enough, at the all Chistleton long tennis club, where kind-hearted little Super Granny Smith was busy playing tennis with Inventor Black's not so super tennis machine.

Supergran:
Oh, you silly old machine, it's not into the net, it's over the net!

Reporter:
[narrating] While over at the Villa Villainess, the sweet smell of disaster also hung heavily in the air.

The Scunner Campbell:
I mean, what does my life amount to, eh? Only more rotten brown envelopes and little tartan moll forever on my tail.

PC Norman:
[hanging off a cliff] Help!

The Scunner Campbell:
Will you shut up, I'm soliloquizing!

Inspector Muggins:
[about the Scunner] Oh, what are we going to do without him, Super Gran? I mean... Who are we gonna chase? Hassle? Slug across the head?

Inspector Muggins:
Friends, Romans, Chisletonians. We are gathered here today, to pay our last tribute, to one of our least lamented, most wanted men. I speak of course, of Roderick 'Scunner' Campbell.

Inspector Muggins:
If I should die, think only this of me: that there is some corner of a foreign field that is forever... Chisleton.

Reporter:
[narrating] It was the bluesiest day that Chisleton had ever known.

Reporter:
[narrating] Meanwhile, the Scunner Campbell finds that in the list of Top 50 criminals he's now in bottom place.

Scunner Campbell:
Fiftieth! Me, the great Scunner Campbell! Shivering snakebites, surely I'm not that bad a crook!

Hon. Bertrand Battenberg:
You're a dastardly Liverpudlian crook, aren't you?

Mad Mick:
Got it in one. Guess, what, sunshine? You're coming home with me, to Liverpool.

Hon. Bertrand Battenberg:
Mummy wouldn't want me to go there, I mean it's nowhere near as nice as where I live, in Uppercraft Storm Thames!

Mad Mick:
Get going, you wally!

Hon. Bertrand Battenberg:
Mummy!

Geoff Capes:
That's it, I've got it, I've got it!

PC Rupert Leekie:
What have you got, Mr. Capes?

Geoff Capes:
The solution. What does Supergran have every day to keep up her super strength, and what hasn't she been having every day since she got grounded?

PC Rupert Leekie:
I give up, Mr. Capes.

Geoff Capes:
Porridge! Masses of porridge!

Edison:
That's it, you're right, Mr. Capes!

Willard:
This is no time to get changed, granny!

Supergran:
It's inventor Black's latest, greatest invention: a gravity orientated climbing belt.

Willard:
A what?

Katharine 'Cat' Burglar:
Is this the chip shop in Chisleton High Street?

Male voices:
[shouting from off screen] Cobblers!

Male voices:
[close to tears] There's no need to be like that.

The Scunner Campbell:
[close to tears] There's no need to be like that.

Katharine 'Cat' Burglar:
I know, Scunner, I'm sorry!

Reporter:
[narrating] Meanwhile, as the small but select entire population of Chisleton gathered for the great event, the Scunner Campbell was having a minor heart attack.

The Scunner Campbell:
Rollocking rollercoasters, where is that fat cat?

Mr. McBigg:
What's the old bat in the tartan doing on the floor?

Inventor Black:
That's no old bat, that's Supergran!

Mr. McBigg:
Is that the old bat who boldy goes where no granny has been before?

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline: right now. Yes, just when you thought it was safe to go back to Chisleton.

Supergran:
That'll be Inventor Black. Up to his old inventiveness again.

Snay:
[Black and White war movie on television] You've flown 40 missions every single night for the last 364 and a half nights.

The greatest flyer in all Bomber command:
I know, Snay, I know. That's probably why they call me the greatest flyer in all Bomber command. But this time Snay, I may not return.

Snay:
I understand.

The greatest flyer in all Bomber command:
In which case I want you to have my entire collection of Eagle comics.

Snay:
Gosh, Binkie!

The greatest flyer in all Bomber command:
And my signed photograph of Dinah Sheridan.

The Scunner Campbell:
If old 'Pinkie' Attenborough can be one of the few, why not the Scunner Campbell?

P.O.W.:
Oh excuse me, old love. Is this by any chance Blighty?

The Scunner Campbell:
What?

P.O.W.:
Began tunneling out of Stalag Luftwaffe over 40 years ago.

The Scunner Campbell:
Good grief!

P.O.W.:
Oh yeah, first we tunneled under Belgium, then we tunneled under France, now we're looking for the White Cliffs of Dover.

The Scunner Campbell:
Yes well, I think you'd better go back to your mummy.

[pushes him back down the tunnel]

Supergran:
Hey you!

Officer P. Brain:
Who, me?

Supergran:
Yes you, with the tree in your helmet.

Reporter:
[narrating] And why does almost the entire population of Chisleton leave Chisleton every summer?

Noodles:
'Cause every rotten summer, it's always rotten raining!

Reporter:
Not this time, because every summer brings to Chisleton, it's very own Country & Western Festival.

Willard:
[shouting] Oh no!

Reporter:
Bullseye!

The Scunner Campbell:
Oh No!

Supergran:
Chisleton without Supergran is like... breakfast without porridge.

Reporter:
[narrating] Yes, fresh from Somewhere Else, was someone else, as yet unknown in Chisleton.

The Scunner Campbell:
Did I hear that magic word?

Noodles:
Did I hear that magic word?

The Scunner Campbell:
No, 'pounds', you miniscule mophead.

The Scunner Campbell:
Hank G. Plucker?

Hank G. Plucker:
The 'G' is for 'guitar'. Guitar plucker, get it? Of course it's not my real name, right. No, my real name's Wayne from Wolverhampton.

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline, Valentines day, Chisleton. It began like any other ordinary day in Chisleton, with little granny Smith out playing a keen game of football as usual.

Angus McSporran:
I'm not foreign, I'm Scottish!

Baroness Glutt:
[looking at her daughter] Oh, there's got to be someone out there who'll love that face. Surely?

Noodles:
Lifting this lot will be no problem.

The Scunner Campbell:
Aye, but on the other hand, who's gonna wanna buy a load of paintings of black puddings?

Tub:
[the Scunner has decided to marry Lady Valerie] But you can't uncle!

Noodles:
I mean she's horrible, Boss. Not to mention extremely boring.

[laughs]

The Scunner Campbell:
So are most women after a while anyway. No, this one is definitely...

Noodles:
You're not serious, boss?

The Scunner Campbell:
Lady Valerie is everything a man could ever want.

Tub:
Yeah, wrinkles and moustache.

[giggles]

Supergran:
Blinking Battleships, what's going on? Bagpipes at this time o' night?

Noodles:
[about Lady Valerie] If that's what she eats when she ain't hungry, I wonder what she eats when she is?

The Scunner Campbell:
I think I shall spend my honeymoon in the Chisleton bank. Counting her money.

Reporter:
[narrating] But also out on that fateful morning was Supergranny Smith, determined to save the Glutt girl from a terrible fate, with the aid of Inventor Black's latest, greatest invention.

Supergran:
I've got my own wee castle, right here in Chistleton. And though It may not be grand, it suits me fine.

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline: summertime. And Supergranny Smith plus Willie are about to enjoy a day in sleepy Paddleton upon Sea.

Police Sergeant:
Down you go Norman, for Queen and country.

PC Norman:
But why me, Sarge?

Police Sergeant:
How many stripes have I got, Norman?

PC Norman:
Three, Sarge.

Police Sergeant:
And how many stripes have you got, Norman?

PC Norman:
None, Sarge.

Police Sergeant:
Well that's why you got to go down and, and...

PC Norman:
But it's a long way down!

Police Sergeant:
Never mind about that, just get going.

Police Sergeant:
Good job you were here, Supergran.

Supergran:
Yeah, well, big strong men sometimes need wee frail women to give them a helping hand, eh, Sergeant?

Police Sergeant:
Pull yourself together, Norman!

PC Norman:
[collapsing at his feet] Oh Sarge...

Police Sergeant:
Now listen, madam. Is this Darlykins champion at Krufsts for instance?

Mrs. Groggelbank:
No.

Police Sergeant:
Is he a very rare breed?

Mrs. Groggelbank:
No.

Police Sergeant:
Or is little Tootiepegs made of precious jewels?

Mrs. Groggelbank:
Of course not.

Police Sergeant:
Than why on earth should anyone want to steal this particular dog?

Mrs. Groggelbank:
That's for you to find out then isn't it, Sergeant?

Reporter:
[narrating] By now Scunner Campbell had only one plan in mind: Plan E, Escape.

Reporter:
[narrating] Date Line: not long ago. On the surface, a normal, happy, quiet Chisleton day. But it was to be an amazing day in Chisleton.

Reporter:
[narrating] Yes, it was the blackest day the good citizens of Chisleton had ever known.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
I don't understand it, inspector. Supergran was always so Super kind, Super generous, Super...

Inspector Muggins:
I know, Rupert.

[quieter]

Inspector Muggins:
I know... But I'm afraid we've got no choice, Rupert.

[camera zooms in on his face]

Inspector Muggins:
We've got to bring her in.

Miss Pinchpenny:
Oh Supergran, How could you?

Supergran:
But I haven't...

Miss Pinchpenny:
To think, I used to let you look after my budgie when I went on holiday

[breaks down and cries]

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Would you like your bread and water now, Supergran, milady?

Supergran:
[tearful] Rupert. I'm not a criminal. I am Super Gran.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Have you got Mr. Plod the Policeman?

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
[Supergran has broken out of jail] We forgot about her super strength, Inspector.

Greta Garboils:
I want my photie took.

Photographer:
Yes.

Greta Garboils:
Aha, preferably looking young and glamerous. Like they pictures you see in Vogue.

Photographer:
I'm a photographer, madam.

Greta Garboils:
Aha.

Photographer:
Not a miracle worker.

Greta Garboils:
Aw come on, son. Give us a bash with your flash, come on!

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
There she is, Inspector.

Inspector Muggins:
You mean there they are, Rupert.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
But which one's the real Supergran, Inspector?

Inspector Muggins:
And which one's the impostor?

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
It could be a double trouble, Inspector.

Reporter:
[narrating] But as the Supergran double drama deepened, Post mistress Pinchpenny and her beau were all at see...

Inventor Black:
But who'd want to nick a load of old frocks?

Neville:
A load of old frocks? How dare you speak thus about my autumn collection from...

Inventor Black:
Paris?

Neville:
Paddleton!

The Scunner Campbell:
I'm interested in some handmade suits. The sort of better class wear.

Inside Legg, the Tailor:
Handmade suits? You? You can't even afford a donkey jacket.

The Scunner Campbell:
I've joined the jet-set now. No, it's page three models or nothing for me now, good day!

Bat:
At the third stroke, it will be one minute to your doom, precisely.

The Scunner Campbell:
Alright, alright, I give up. I'm not really Ethel's kid, my mother's name was Ruby and she worked for the Rosencrown.

Supergran:
Happy Halloween, Scunnery-wunnery!

The Scunner Campbell:
Why you, pint-sized perishing piranha!

Supergran:
Oh, flattery will get you nowhere.

Ronald McDonald aka The Great Renaldo:
There was a time when I was a great magician, once, Supergran...

Clinging Ivey:
'e still is.

Ronald McDonald aka The Great Renaldo:
Oh, I can't make make anything disappear anymore. I mean, everyone had heard of the Great Renaldo...

Clinging Ivey:
They 'ave now!

Ronald McDonald aka The Great Renaldo:
[feeling very sorry for himself] Oh!

Supergran:
And then what happened, Ronald?

Ronald McDonald aka The Great Renaldo:
Fabulous O'Finnigan happened, Supergran.

Clinging Ivey:
I beg your parsnip, son.

Clinging Ivey:
Now you be daddy's brave little soldier and get up there, onto that bloomin' stage and wow them! 'Else mummy's gonna be really cross. [Ronald's face saddens] No, no, darling, not really... just a bit livid.

Tub:
But why do we have to go to the theater tonight, uncle?

Scunner Campbell:
Because tonight we'lll see that mingebag meet her Waterloo.

Noodles:
Waterloo, boss? I thought you said it was a theater, not a railway station?

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline: earlier this year. Place: Chisleton. An historic afternoon when fate brought together the destinies of three ordinary people, as yet unaware of the great part they are to play in each others lives.

Reporter:
[narrating] First, frail little Granny Smith, formerly from the Highland village of Glenn Whiskey. On this faithful day she'd come to Chisleton park to watch her grandson, Willy Dalglish Keegan Smith play football.

Reporter:
[narrating] Was it coincidence or was it fate that brought someone else to the park that world-shattering day? Edison Faraday Black, granddaughter of the world famous Inventor Black, persuing the villains who had stolen her granddad's greatest ever invention.

Edison Faraday Black:
The Magic Ray Machine grandad?

Inventor Black:
Nicked! This very day, by the greatest rogue in all Chisleton.

Inventor Black:
[about his Magic Ray Machine] In the hands of good people, it could work absolute wonders for the world, but I'm afraid it's fallen into the hands of evil.

Reporter:
[narrating] Also that day close at hand was one Roderick Campbell, a baddy of the first order, who had indeed stolen Inventor Black's invention.

Roderick 'The Scunner' Campbell:
Watch carefully as I become the greatest, most super person the world has evern known. Greater even than... Superman.

Tub:
Shouldn't you have a telephone booth and a change of clothes, then, uncle?

Roderick 'The Scunner' Campbell:
Silence!

Reporter:
[narrating] Up till now, Roderick Glendall Campbell, sire of the Clan Campbell, had been an unsuccesful villain. But all that could change, very shortly...

Tub:
It must have shot out there, somewhere, uncle.

Roderick 'The Scunner' Campbell:
I realize that, you prune.

Tub:
Why don't you ask those people doen there?

Roderick 'The Scunner' Campbell:
Ask 'em what, eh, Tub? Please, by any chance did you see a, a magic ray floating around, 'cause we've just lost ours? Don't be daft!

Reporter:
[narrating] So the scene was set for a showdown between Supergranny Smith and the Rotter Campbell. Time of action: any moment now.

Willard Dalgish Keegan Smith:
But I don't want you to be super amazing, granny, I want you to me me normal old granny at home, cooking me beefburgers and washing me shirts.

Supergran:
Oh, men, you're all the same!

Supergran:
It's your new wee friend.

Willard Dalgish Keegan Smith:
Oh, not that ginger head nutcase again!

Tub:
That was her, uncle, that was that Supergran!

Roderick 'The Scunner' Campbell:
I realize that, you barrell of bungling incompitence.

Tub:
What are you going to with to me? Torture me or something?

Supergran:
That's quite an idea. In the meantime then, I might play you my entire collection of bagpipe records and... make you listen to them!

Reporter:
[narrating] So it was on that incredible day, that Supergran arrived in our mids.

Supergran:
[somersaulting away] Come on, Willy!

Reporter:
[narrating] To boldy go where no granny had gone before. To support the weak and to fight evil, wheresoever it lurketh.

Supergran:
[being interviewed by the London Chimes] Well, I was born a... yes, well, a good few years ago now.

The Scunner Campbell:
You can say that again.

Supergran:
And I was raised in the picturesque village of Glenn Whiskey. Almost entirely on porridge, haggis and Kenneth McClellan records. [spins herself round on table]

Noodles:
You sure you know how to write, boss?

The Scunner Campbell:
Course! Any idiot can write. If you can write a note to the milkman, you can write anything. And the only reason to write a book is to get me on the telly.

Cecil Smarm:
Now, over to you, Campbell children. And your first question is: Where are the Andes?

The Scunner Campbell:
Well, the, eh... [coughs]

Noodles:
On the end of your armies?

Cecil Smarm:
Wrong, I'm afraid, Desdemona. [a bucket of sludge is emptied on 'Desdemona's head]

Cecil Smarm:
Quiet, you vermin viewer. How dare you interrupt me. Me, the master of syruppy charm?

Petunia Preston:
Oi, don't you talk to me like that, you bryl-creamed big-headed bragger!

The Scunner Campbell:
Will you lot shut up, I'm actually winning for once!

Cecil Smarm:
You don't realise what it is being a megastar, signing all those autographs, eating big free lunches...

Supergran:
Oh, it must be a hard life, Mr. Smarm.

Supergran:
Oh it is, Supergran, it is! [breaks down and cries]

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline: Chisleton. Place: Chisleton. And one of our happiest days of the year: Supergranny Smith was well on her way to winning the Chisleton ladies single championships.

The Scunner Campbell:
Today I love everybody, even you, Fag Ash Lil! Is this the face that launced a thousand chips?

[he laughs, but Lil does not]

Fag Ash Lil:
Are you gonna pay for them coffees or aren't you?

The Scunner Campbell:
Not only will I pay it, but here for you Fag Ash, is a very large tip.

[hands over a coin]

Fag Ash Lil:
5p?

The Scunner Campbell:
I know, I know, I just can't help being generous today.

The Scunner Campbell:
So we can't find the real Cyril, we'll just get a replacement.

Noodles:
Where from, boss?

The Scunner Campbell:
Why were do snakes usually hide out, eh?

Noodles:
The jungle, boss?

The Scunner Campbell:
Nearer than that, you pop-eyed prune...

Noodles:
Eh...

The Scunner Campbell:
Why, Chisleton Zoo! [they both laugh]

Zoo Keeper:
[indicating a blue brush in the animal pen] Over there we have Dick, the flightless hedgehog.

Zoo Keeper:
Up there is a sparrow, unnamed. Because he's an intruder in here.

Zoo Keeper:
Here, hey, where are you going with my tropical forests?

The Scunner Campbell:
Drop 'em! [they drop the flower pots and run for it]

Zoo Keeper:
Not in front of the children! [to camera] Dirty devil.

The Scunner Campbell:
One snake, answering to the name of Cyril. Duly returned to his owner.

Petunia Preston:
You stupid...

The Scunner Campbell:
[continues] So hand over the big reward right away, there's a good Dandylion.

Petunia Preston:
It's not dandylion, it's Petunia. Petunia Preston.

The Scunner Campbell:
I knew it was some rotten flower.

Zoo Keeper:
Follow, quick, follow Brenda's knickers! Quick.

Zoo Keeper:
Stop. Those are the snake knickers.

Pc Rupert Leekie:
There's no snakes nor knickers.

Zoo Keeper:
You fool, you'll never get a promotion like that. Those are the robbers.

Zoo Keeper:
[to Brenda the Boa-constrictor] You're lucky you're not a handbag by now.

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline, the annual arts crafts week at Chisleton museum. Place: Chisleton museum. Where Supergran was at work making antique pots, unaware that she was about to face the case of the missing pearl of pinnel's end.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
[admiring Supergran's pottery] Very nice. Genuine antiques, are they?

Supergran:
Aye, and I've two dozen more to do before tea and mark up the fruity pitch for the cup tie on Saturday, so I've no time to gossip to the likes of you, P.C. Leekie.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Sorry, Supergran.

[gets up to leave]

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Nice to see you, musn't stop you.

Skull:
Steal the pearl of Pinnel's end and you will have a sticky end. Bad luck will dog your footsteps bleakly, till you are nabbed by Rupert Leekie.

Reporter:
[narrating] So, that night, the ever vigilant Supergran was at the villa Villainous, home of the Scunner Campbell, just in case...

Willard:
But what's the point of inventing something that makes you invisible, Inventor Black? I mean who the hell'd want to be invsible?

Inventor Black:
[sitting in his wheelchar, with only his hat and glasses visible] Someone will, sometime Willy, I'm quite sure of that.

Willard:
I can't see it.

Inventor Black:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

The Scunner Campbell:
What was that you said that idiot banana Black had invented?

Tub:
An invisible shield!

The Scunner Campbell:
Perfect!

Inventor Black:
What's happening, what's going on?

Edison:
I don't know, grandad, it looks like some pairs of gloves are stealing the pearl of Pinnels End. There's only one we can do, grandad.

[shouting]

Edison:
Supergran! Supergran!

Supergran:
When a cry for help I hear and it comes from someone dear, don't delay or shilley shalley, get on your bike gran, rally rally!

Tub:
'm not a proper person anymore, I'm just some blinkin' eyeballs in the air.

Supergran:
[hands over the pearls to P.C. Leekie] Here, is there not a reward for that?

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
The benevolent fund will be very benevolent, Supergran.

Reporter:
[narrating] But while Chisleton chirrupped, the Villa Villainess remained under a cloud.

Noodles:
[about Newcastle Brown] Hey, don't he talk posh-like for a Geordie? He's almost understandable.

Reporter:
[narrating] But unfortunately for the Scunner Campbell, he had as much luck with female feathered birds as he had with female tartanned ones.

The Scunner Campbell:
[writing his will in a burning house] To my dear little Muscles, I leave my Chas 'n Dave records, in the hope they will enjoy them more than I have.

Reporter:
Dateline: Chisleton priory. Time: yesterday week. When the town of Chisleton began prepairing for it's favourite event in the Chisleton calender: the Chisleton marathon. When once again young and old took to the streets to prepair themselves for the great day. When once again, marathon fever took hold of the town.

The Scunner Campbell:
[to Miss Wotherspoon] I think you look like someone knitted your face and dropped a stitch. That's what I think.

Supergran:
If Mr. Black was meant to fly, he'll have to do better than that...

The Scunner Campbell:
Tell me, Miss Wotherspoon. Did anyone ever tell you that your China-blue eyes shine like saphire?

Miss Wotherspoon:
Well... no...

The Scunner Campbell:
And as for those beestung lips...

[keeps an eye on renta-muscles as they empty the bank vaults]

The Scunner Campbell:
And of course, eh, with such a face you must have enraptured so many men.

Miss Wotherspoon:
No, never, never!

The Scunner Campbell:
My day will come, you prehistoric old haggis!

Supergran:
Aye, we know when that'll be.

The Scunner Campbell:
When?

Supergran:
The 12th of never! [slaps his hat]

Reporter:
[narrating] Dateline: Friday the 13th. An inauspicious day when most of the citizens of Chisleton were meeting with some kind of disaster. In Chisleton park for instance, Willie 'Bothan Gower' Smith had still to score a run.

Reporter:
[narration continued] While over at Inventor Black's, his latest, greatest invention was just about to go splat. [and indeed it does]

Inventor Black:
Oh dear.

Reporter:
[more narration] Meanwhile, as Willie's day got progressively worse, so did the Scunner Campbell's.

The Scunner Campbell:
Right, we're entering a beauty contest.

Noodles:
But we don't know nothing about beauty contests, boss.

The Scunner Campbell:
Well what's that got to do with it, you bleach haired barnacle? All we got to do is make sure our candidate wins, right?

Noodles:
[catching their first glimpse of Wanda] Blimey.

Tub:
She's gonna win the Chisleton Beauty contest, uncle?

The Scunner Campbell:
This could call for desperate measures, lads.

The Scunner Campbell:
Just leave it to me, blue eyes.

Wanda:
Oh! [giggles and walks off]

Noodles:
Cross eyes, more like, eh?

Wanda:
I'd give up now if I were you, sporran face.

Isla St. Porridge:
[pulls her clother, speaks from the side of her mouth] Are you talking to me, sparrow legs?

Isla St. Porridge:
Oh there's nobody can help us now! Unless...

Contestant:
Oh God, she's not gonna sing us another song, is she?

Isla St. Porridge:
[singing] Hang about, look out, it's Supergran!

All contestants:
[the other girls push her down and start shouting] Supergran!

Reporter:
[narrating] A cry for help usually brings Supergran instantly to the rescue. But unfortunately at that moment, she and her shampoo and set had just gone under the dryer, so she heard, nothing.

Derek Morbid:
And now, after that final parade, I hand you over to Lady Chisleton and our judges for the exciting result. Which would have been done in reverse order, 'cepting I can't count backwards.

Lady Chisleton:
And not only does our lucky little winner get a fabulous weeks holiday in sunny Darlington, but Supergranny Smith has just come up with the most spectacular prize of all. A fabulous night out for all the contestants... [audience and contestans ooh] with our chairman of the judges...

The Scunner Campbell:
Eh?

Lady Chisleton:
The Scunner Campbell [more oos and applause]

The Scunner Campbell:
Eh? Oh?

Lady Chisleton:
At the most expensive restaurant in Chisleton.

The Scunner Campbell:
Uh?

Lady Chisleton:
Entirely at his expence.

The Scunner Campbell:
But I've only got 15p!

Noodles:
A job, boss?

Tub:
You, uncle, work for a living?

The Scunner Campbell:
Well, why not? I've tried everything else.

Noodles:
Accountant, you, boss?

Tub:
But Uncle, you can't even add up.

Noodles:
And you always said accountants were the sort of people that should be ground underfoot, like television critics and estate agents. [laughs]

Inspector Muggins:
This is your big opportunity, Derek.

PC Dumpling:
Yes, Inspector.

Inspector Muggins:
So far you've caused umpteen traffic jams, inadvertently assisted burglars, swallowed your police whistle...

PC Dumpling:
[touches his chest, which whistles] Yes, Inspector.

PC Dumpling:
[teeth chattering] It ain't half cold, Gran.

Edison:
She's not just any old granny, she's a supergran granny.

Sid Scoundrel:
And now for our field study class, boys, which I call: 'buttering up old bags'. Observe...

Timothy Toff:
Ready, Hesletine?

Reporter:
[narrating] As always, Hesletine was ready in his hand a bottle of the most lethal liquid since chloroform: 'Essence of School dinners'.

Inspector Muggins:
You haven't forgotten what day this is, have you, Gretel my pet? [Gretel giggles, thinks a moment, then whispers into the Inspector's ear] No, it's not the fuhrer's birthday, Gretel my pet.

Postman Pugh:
I don't believe it! A Supergran. on a skateboard. With X-Ray eyes. It must be them pickles onions I had last night.

Edison:
But grandad?

Inventor Black:
Yes, Edison?

Edison:
What is your latest, greatest invention?

Inventor Black:
It's outside, tied up to Queen Victoria.

Edison:
[Supergran takes control of the Skimmer] Supergran?

Supergran:
I've never actually driven one myself before, mind, but I've seen lots of car races on the telly. Always looks easy peasy to me!

Reporter:
[narrating] With a woosh, a cloud of dust, the skimmer was airborne.

Inventor Black:
Better make straight for Chisleton park, Supergran.

Supergran:
What's that?

Inventor Black:
I haven't got any roadtax or numberplates for the Skimmer yet.

Supergran:
Haha, that's nothing. I haven't got a driving license, either.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Morning all.

Supergran:
Ah, good morning to you too, constable.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
May I see your driving license, certificate of insurance, etc?

Supergran:
Oh, no, we've nothing like that, laddy.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Nothing like that, eh? Lovely job. By the time I've finished with you lot, I could win the canteen cup for constable of the week.

Clint:
[handing Roly Roofless the telephone] Someone on the Dog and Bone.

Supergran:
[using her Super-vision] I can see it now.

Inventor Black:
My Skimmer?

Supergran:
Standing by a big river...

Willard:
Which big river, granny, the Mersey? The Mississippi?

Edison:
Can't you be serious just for once?

Supergran:
The river Chis, upon which Chisleton stands!

Clint:
Eh, I hate to say this, boss, but there's this eh, little sweet old lady standing on the bridge, looks like she's gonna jump off.

Scunner Campbell:
That's no sweet little old lady, that's the haggis-head herself, that's Supergran!

Reporter:
[narrating] But that morning in the Chisleton cakeshop neither Supergranny Smith nor the Scunner Campbell were aware of the effect a sudden announcement was to have on their lives.

Madge, Duchess of Claridge:
I wonder if you could help me, friendly little Brittish Rail person.

Madge, Duchess of Claridge:
[the friendly little Brittish Rail person closes the blinds] It isn't like this at Kensington Palace. Hm!

Hatty the Hat Hatterley:
Well, now Scunner, me old fat toad, what's next on the agenda?

Clarence, Duke of Claridge:
Oi, you! Mugwash! Mugwash, or whatever your name is.

Inventor Black:
Well I'm afraid the doors are closed, Supergran.

Supergran:
Aye. Well observed, professor.

Clarence, Duke of Claridge:
Impertinence! Kneel and grovel, woman.

Supergran:
Oh, we've no time for your little malarkey now.

Clarence, Duke of Claridge:
How dare you!

Clarence, Duke of Claridge:
I only travel by gold coach or State landor.

Madge, Duchess of Claridge:
Oh Clarence!

Clarence, Duke of Claridge:
Oh Maggie!

Inspector Muggins:
Oh crikey! I'll probably end up in the tower for this, Supergran!

Inspector Muggins:
Promise you'll come back and pay us another proper state visit next year, ma'm?

Madge, Duchess of Claridge:
You bet, Muggins old mug. Hah!

Tub:
What are you going to do, uncle? I mean, you haven't got 2.000 pounds, have you?

Scunner Campbell:
No, not quite. More like 65p.

Willard:
Granny, will you listen to me for a moment... You like helping people, right?

Supergran:
Of course, Willy, I'm no what UFO for nothing.

Willard:
UFO?

Supergran:
Unforgettable Fantastical Oldie.

P.C. Rupert Leekie:
Great day for Chisleton, eh, Supergran?

Supergran:
Aye, it is that, Rupert Leekie. I only wish we had more luck finding your wrong footed shoe stealer. I must have turned a hundred people upside down this week. Still, nothing!

Cyril Small:
The rovers wear satin strips and have their hair streaked at Lennin's. Our boys wear hand me down shorts and base their hairstyles on Bobby Charlton. That's how far apart we are.

Scunner Campbell:
Ten-Nill down at half time. There's nothing left for me now. [sighs] Perhaps a carefully aimed champagne cork will end it all for me...

Scunner Campbell:
One more please, one more... For the sake of my exquisite capped teeth... and Vincent Eleven's knuckles...

Inventor Black:
It it absolutely essential for you to learn to drive, Supergran? I mean with all your skils: superspeed, super strength, X-ray vision...

Burt Kwouk:
[having just witnessed Supergran tossing a car about] Supergran is a tough old boot!

Supergran:
Just think of it, Willy, If I were on the telly, everybody in the country would have heard of me.

Willard:
But I don't want you to be famous, granny, I want you to be me normal old granny at home, changing me duvet and cooking me chips.

Supergran:
Oh... men!

Willard:
Hey, mister, what's the name of this programme your shooting, anyway?

Scunner Campbell:
[posing as Vince van Perfect] Eh, 'Gone with the Clocks'.

Willard:
Where's all the actors, then?

Scunner Campbell:
[still posing as Vince van Perfect] Look, why don't you push off and play in the traffic with somebody!

Tanya the Traffic Warden:
Hey, I know you, You're not that media mega star, you're that 'orrible Scunner Campbell.

Scunner Campbell:
That's right, beachball face. Now if you'll excuse us, my friend Fingers Fay is waiting at the ferry.

Supergran:
Well, it certainly isn't Sir Richard 'Gandhi' Attenborough, hah! Roderick 'Scunner' Campell!

Scunner Campbell:
You old mingebag! Why can't you find a nice cliff and drop off it?

Reporter:
[narrating] One person in Chisleton however, had other things than treasure troving on his mind. Yes, high on a hill on a lonely treetop that day sat nature warden Maxwell Grouse. Guarding something very secret: guarding the eggs of the flying diplodocus. A bird extinct in the rest of the world except Chisleton, so they're very worth a fortune, these eggs that Maxwell Grouse is hatching.

Unlucky Luciano:
Ere, I could lock you in here, and throw away the key!

PC Leekie:
Oh, that would be fun! Then you let me out, and I'll lock you in.

Unlucky Luciano:
No.

PC Leekie:
Yes?

Unlucky Luciano:
No.

PC Leekie:
I'll be your best friend?

Unlucky Luciano:
[considers this for a moment] No.

Reporter:
[narrating] Said Unlucky, who was amazingly clever for a crook.

The Scunner Campbell:
I can explain everything, Mingebag.

Supergran:
Aye, I hope you can, you naughty, nest robbing Roderick!

old lady:
Hey! You're not the real Father Christmas.

The Scunner Campbell:
Push off, pie face.

old lady:
He's old and kind, with real white hair and whiskers.

The Scunner Campbell:
How'd you like my sack in your gob, you fur coated frump, eh?

Reporter:
[narrating] It was obvious from the first that nothing in life had ever gone right for Sid Scouse. First, there was his appearance: Burt Reynolds had nothing to fear from Sid Scouse.

Sid Scouse:
Buy a ticket? Please buy a ticket.

Willard:
[about Sid Scouse] He's even more hopeless than the Scunner Campbell.

Willard:
Scottish circus?

Sid Scouse:
Shh! It's a showbiz tradition. You must never mention the Scottish lot.

The Scunner Campbell:
[posing as Father Christmas] And what would you like for Christmas, Walt? [Walt whispers into Santa Scunner's ear] Replace your wife with a Page Three lookalike? No chance, Walt.

The Scunner Campbell:
[to Christmas carolers] Dickensian humbugs!

Reporter:
[narrating] And from the unmentionable Scottish circus came Samantha McCellulite and her performing poodles.

Sid Scouse:
We've got to do something, Inventor Black, or Supergran will be Super goner.

Inventor Black:
I know, Sidney, I know. But what?

Edison:
Granddad, granddad, you're freezing machine, remember?

Inventor Black:
Of course, of course! My freezing machine. Oh you clever girl. Now where did I put it? [looks under his seat] Ah! Here we are, got it.

Supergran:
It's only good wee children, and super gran's, that get to see the real Father Christmas.

The Scunner Campbell:
Tickling Tarrantulas!

The Scunner Campbell:
Push off, you Yankee Doodle Dum Dum.

Seymour P. Spender:
Cute accent. What is it, Elizabethan?

The Scunner Campbell:
No, it's Scottish, you Idahonic idiot.

Reporter:
[narrating] Yes, of all the boats, in the all the marinas in all the gin joints in all of Chisleton, the Scunner just had to pick on the 'Happy Hilda'.

Hilda:
I always say if the poor and afflicted can't look after themselves, then tough toenails!

Hilda:
I'll show that super smart, super sleuth, super wrinkled old granny who's top woman around here!

The Scunner Campbell:
Minge bag, brilliant bag, you brought my little Muscle back safe and sound.