Surf School

Tyler:
[to Jordan] Didn't they teach you in Mary-land not to play with your stick in public?

Tyler:
Don't you have a stick to play with?

Jordan:
Go hug your board, Tyler. I'm sure if you drilled a small enough hole in it, you two could be very happy.

Larry:
I dreamed about monkeys last night. They have monkeys in Costa Rica. I dreamed that, you know, I made friends with one on the senior trip.

Taz:
Okay. Larry, you've go to stop with these gay-ass dreams. Seriously. Look, have you been reading those Hustlers I gave you?

Larry:
A lot of the pages are stuck together.

Taz:
Yeah, they do that. Uh, humidity.

Larry:
I dreamed about that Costa Rican monkey again.

Taz:
Larry, you need to be spanking the monkey, not dreaming about it.

Larry:
Wow. I just saw my first real monkey. Look.

Taz:
Larry, forget about the real monkeys. You're here to get that monkey off your back, all right? The only word I want to hear out of your mouth is "beaver," got it?

Rip:
Look, Larry, if you're gonna rip with the big boys, you got to learn to understand women.

Taz:
Uh, not the best advice, Ripster. Dude's a total virgin.

Mo:
Yeah, man. The only booty call he's ever seen starred Jamie Foxx.

Rip:
Is that true, Larry?

Larry:
No. Actually I didn't catch Booty Call. I had an S.A.T. review course. And mother thinks Jamie Foxx is a potty-mouth.

Rip:
Larry, are you a virgin, man?

Larry:
Yes.

Rip:
Wow, man. I haven't seen one of you around here since "Grinder Teeth" took out little Jimmy McGee behind the dumpster at the pomegranate hut.

Rip:
Hey, you guys want to see a triple-fart bubble?

Rip:
Larry, your balls are so dried up, I can see them swinging off my rear-view mirror halfway to Turkey.

Larry:
Boris says he has big plans for me tonight.

Tillie:
Well, as you know, every revolution requires a secret mission or two to level the battlefield, so Boris and I whipped up a little something that might even the odds tomorrow.

Taz:
What is this?

Tillie:
Microscopic crabs. Kind of tough to focus on your surfing when you got those cute little critters dancing in your shorts.

Boris:
In 1971, I put the crabs like that into the jockstrap of President Nixon. I was towel boy in racquet club, and there is famous film of Nixon shaking the hand of Chinese premier, and then immediately he scratches his balls.

Larry:
Jordan, I know you're on an inspirational roll, but I don't think this is gonna work with me. I had my first erotic spanking from a chimp last night, and everybody on this beach knows it. Even their mothers know it.

Fernando:
Will Laguna Beach "A" hang for a second straight title? Will they look sexy doing it? Will Batman escape the clutches of the Penguin and run off with his crazy boyfriend Robin? I don't know. We'll just have to see the answer tomorrow.

Rip:
The way I see it, you got two choices here. You can sit around all mopey-faced like your grandmother got her ass cheek ripped of by a hammerhead shark, or you can hope that tomorrow the surf gods grant you a tasty curl out there, all right?

Tyler:
Well, the Laguna Barneys managed not to drown. That's impressive. So make sure you guys come to the Dead Fish tonight to celebrate. Berthita's giving lap dances. Better than a chimp.

Rip:
[to Tyler] Well, well, well, if it isn't old Southern Cali again. Aren't you, uh, running a little late for your spray-on tan appointment? The old Ripter's got a little beach recipe for you. First, you add a little take a hike, and you blend in a little a**hole. You know what I call it? Take a hike, a**hole.

Fernando:
[Roach wipes put] Oh, ho! I got hit by a wave like that once, except its name was Frank.