Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight

The Collector:
Humans. You're not worth the flesh you're printed on!

Crypt Keeper:
Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags! We're going to the movies! Frights, camera, action!

Uncle Willy:
[drunk] Boy, listen to that thunder! God's doing some serious thinkin' tonight. I bet he's saying, "On second thought, maybe I shoulda given it all to the monkeys."

Brayker:
Maybe it's not too late.

Cordelia:
Are my sheets done yet?

Jeryline:
They're downstairs. And I couldn't get all those stains out, either.

Cordelia:
Damn guacamole.

Brayker:
[eating slop] You want some?

Uncle Willy:
Hell, no! I'm just thinking about how much better that stuff looked when it was roadkill.

The Collector:
Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? I know that sounds like a line - Lord knows I've used it - but I mean it.

Brayker:
[dying] When the stars line up, you'll know what to do. I can't tell you how long - it may be a lifetime, may be several. On that day, you'll fight. And when that night is over, you'll do what I just did. Watch your back, Jeryl, watch your back.

Roach:
You know this "Hell on Earth" business? Big f***ing deal - I've got hemmorhoids.

Roach:
Via con dios.

The Collector:
And a via con diablos to you, too, sir.

The Collector:
Do me a favor? Don't scream. Just hear what I've gotta say... and then scream.

Uncle Willie:
Jeryline you wouldn't hurt your old uncle will now would you baby.

The Collector:
All right, this property... is hereby... condemned

Cordelia:
[to Brayker] You hurry up and finish dinner, [she climbs onto table in a seductive manner] I'll take care of "dessert". [a black cat also climb onto the table and meows]

Uncle Willy:
Ah, don't worry. Good Cleo knows better than to eat that slop.

Irene:
Goddammit! Get that p*ssy off the table! [Cordelia quickly gets off the table] I meant the cat.

[after a demon trys to break through the barrier and is melted]

Uncle Willy:
OH that is disgusting

Jeryline:
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SH*T?

The Collector:
[Brayker has just burned his face with the Key causing him to jump off the window] HUMANS... You're not worth the flesh you're printed on... [taking off his outfit] F*** this cowboy sh*t! You f***ing ho-dunk, po-dunk, well then there motherf***ers! All you had to do was give me the goddamn key! Then we could get on with our lives. [cuts his hand to make new creatures] Alright... this house is hereby... condemned...

Irene:
This is crazy.

Brayker:
Deal with it.

The Collector:
[to Uncle Willie who holds The Key] "Oh look, he's gone and put something AWFUL in there! Would ya mind dumping that out before ya place it inside? [smiles]

The Collector:
Poor Cordelia. Seems downright criminal to treat such a pretty girl that way... did I say pretty? I meant beautiful; 'cause you are, you are beautiful Cordelia, Inside and out. Maybe nobody here can see it, but I sure can. I understand you: I know what you want, I know what you need. Guys like Roach think just 'cause they're paying for it, that they can treat you like sh*t; and spend the same money on dinner and a movie so they can call you girlfriend instead of whore. Whore; what a horrible word that is to use on someone who's really just a sad girl who's looking for love. Tender, warm, unconditional Love. I can give you that love, as much as you take. All you have to do is let me in,

[fading]

The Collector:
let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in.

Irene:
[to Jeryline] You finish cleaning the stove? Or are you too busy shooting the breeze?

Jeryline:
Irene, for Christ's sake, I'll finish cleaning it tomorrow.

Irene:
Nah, I want it clean tonight. Remind me of that program you're on; it's called work release ain't it. [turns to speak to others] I swear that girl ain't got no goddamn graditude; if I hadn't made a place for her she'd be behind bars... or dead.

Brayker:
Lucky kid.

Other collector:
[as Bus pulls up the new collector pauses when he realises Jeryline has put up a blood shield] Naw... it's okay... I'll wait for the next one.

Crypt Keeper:
[Disfigured corpse is about to murder woman in bath] Cuuut! cutcutcutcut cut. What the hell are you doing? You call that acting?

Slasher:
[Disfigured corpse turns out to be an actor, and it becomes apparent that scenery is really just a movie set] Well... Yes, as a matter of fact I do call it acting.

Crypt Keeper:
Well let me tell you something pal, you're no Gory Cooper, you aren't even a Robert Deadford. Another take like that and it'll be back to bit parts for you, and I won't say what 'bits' I'm talking about. [stressed sigh] okay everyone, reset!

Slasher:
Directors; where'd they dig this guy up?

The Collector:
[singsong] Hello? Anybody home? Come on out, everybody, it's time to play!

[the Collector holds up Irene's severed arm]

The Collector:
You want your arm back, Irene? I can make it happen.

[Irene raises the stump of her arm]

The Collector:
Is that a yes?

Irene:
No. That's me giving you the finger, a**hole!

The Collector:
I'll get back to you. [disappears]

Brayker:
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth...

Irene:
You're talking Genesis? That beginning?

Brayker:
And the Earth was a formless void, and darkness covered the face of the deep. But the darkness wasn't empty. It was full of creatures, full of demons. And they had seven keys, formed into a circle that focused the power of the cosmos into their hands, until God stepped forth and said, "let there be light." And there was light. He scattered the demons, and he scattered the keys all across the universe. Then we fast-forward about two or three million millenia. Now the demons are back. They got six of the keys. And one day they find the seventh key here on earth. And to save it, God filled it with the blood of a carpenter who had been crucified by the Romans, and gave it to a thief named Sirach.

Jeryline:
The blood ins... inside? Is that...?

Brayker:
Some of it, yeah. It gets used, you see. Sirach had to refill it. [points to his throat] Bad neck wound, talon caught the eye right here. Most of what's in here now belonged to a soldier named Dickerson, who gave it to me in France, August 23, 1917. Funny how you remember the big dates, isn't it?

Deputy Bob Martel:
Jeez. That, uh, that would make you...

Uncle Willie:
What happens when you run out of blood?

Brayker:
They bring back the darkness.

Uncle Willie:
Just like that?

Brayker:
Just like that. So... now you know. You feel better?

The Collector:
All right, I know what you're thinking. You give up your soul, you turn into a demon, you look like sh*t. Where's the payoff, right?

Crypt Keeper:
[Ending Lines at the premiere] Ahh, the whole fang club is here! Hello, Baby-Bobby-Bubby! [the Crypt Keeper then sees two producers with a guillotine] Uh, oh! I think my producers are trying to tell me something. [Now, Crypty is locked in the guillotine] Well, whaddayaknow? I ask for final cut, and I got it! [His head is cut off and rolls in the basket] Now, that's INTERRORTAINMENT! [laughs manaiacally]

Other collector:
[as Bus pulls up the new collector pauses when he realises Jeryline has put up a blood shield] Nawh*... it's okay... I'll wait for the next one. [*variant on pronunciation of the word 'no']