Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny

(Opening verse)

Narrator:
(Jack Black) (A long-ass f***ing time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family, religious through and through, but lo! there was a black sheep, who knew just what to do - His name was young J.B. and he refused to step in line; a vision he could see of; f***ing rockin' all the time - he rode a tasty jam and all the planets did align!)

[Jables meets Kyle]

Jables:
Yeah! Yeah! Dude, that was like, the best thing I have ever seen! Who are you?

Kyle:
The name's Kyle Gass.

Jables:
Kyle Gass!!!! Dude, would you just teach me that one note where you were like -

Kyle:
Dude, I'm not giving freakin' guitar lessons here today. Why don't you just stand over there?

Jables:
Right over here? Yeah, dude you're awesome!

[Jables is confronted by Clockwork Orange thugs]

Thug 1:
Why, what do we have here, my little snowballs?

Thug 2:
I spy a stinkin' filthy babes! Snivelling poo-hoo-hooo, like a wee baby! Heh heh heh!

Thug 3:
Actually, he does look like a f***in' baby. [Thug 1 punches him with cane] Aw, aw, wee baby.

Jables:
Listen fellas, I don't want a fight, so if you'd just - [Thugs poke him on the nose and lift him off his feet] Aaaaahhhhh!

[Kyle just happens to be walking by and sees the commotion. He sees a thug hold something small into the air]

Jables:
Hey give that back, that's my special guitar pick!

[Kyle realizes it is his pick that the thug is holding]

[KG has gone off to chat with some extremely underage teen girls]

Jables:
F***ing dick-squeezer!

[A strange-looking tramp dressed in a long dark coat, carrying a crutch, limps up to Jables and sits down dramatically and painfully in the chair next to him, knocking over a glass as he does so. Jables looks weirdly at him]

The Stranger:
Hi.

Jables:
Hi...

The Stranger:
So... [swipes at a fly] What brings you to this neck of the woods?

Jables:
What?

The Stranger:
Let's just say... you don't seem like "rock 'n roll" types to me.

Jables:
Well, we're not, we're just two businessmen going to see some sh*t in Sacramento, sorry.

The Stranger:
Yes... yes. It's just... I couldn't help noticing... the guitars... in the back of your car. [Steals leafleft about Rock 'n Roll Museum when Jables turns his head]

Jables:
Sorry, we're not, we're just businessmen, we sell guitars, so what, end of story, check please!

The Stranger:
[Examines leaflet, Jables has scrawled Break in here on it] So... how are you planning... on breaking into the Rock 'n Roll History Museum?

[Jables falls painfully into the air shaft]

Jables:
Damn, that was all KG's fault! If he'd been here we wouldn't have messed up we would've got in nice and quiet. But now he's going to come back and be like "Can I be in your band now?" and I'll be like "No way cockshagger."

KG:
It's KG can you hear me?

Jables:
Yea, yea I can hear you loud and clear. You're saying bros before hos, but that's now what I wrote, a**hole!

KG:
I'm here

Jables:
[notices a guard walking in the room right underneath him] Listen, I can't really talk right now shut up!

KG:
I'm in the air-vent, dude.

[they both look at each other in an awkward moment]

KG:
Dude, I totally missed you.

Jables:
Me too.

[the floor beneath them suddenly gives way and the air-vent crashes down onto the floor of the museum. With them in it]

[The Mic Host announces Tenacious D]

Mic Host:
Since the beginning of Time, 'twas written in the stones that one day a band would come. Well now, that band has come, and they are here to come again... In your ear-pussies. Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D.

[At their first concert]

Jables:
So whassup, we're Tenacious D, and this is like our first concert ever, so it's pretty historical!

The Stranger:
I had it, the Pick of Destiny, I had it clutched in my fingers. But then I tripped, set off a laser, a security door came down on my leg. I would break in again, if I still had my leg. Ooh man, ooh, I do miss that sweet-ass leg of mine.

Jables:
Why're you telling me this?

The Stranger:
Because I like you! I see that sparkle in your eye which I once had. Here, let me show you something. (Slides paper under toilet door) This will help you, I promise you. These two air ducts on the roof. Speak of this to no-one!

[The Mic Host sighs, picks up the Pick of Destiny. His eyes gleam with delight as he looks eerily round before revealing his true form as Satan.]

Jables:
Dude, I figured out, we can still use the Pick - I use it in one hand and you can use it in the other, its still compatible - Whaaa? Where is that Pick?

[both look up and see a gigantic fiery Satan resplendent in his evil glory]

Jables and KG:
[jumping in fear] Ah!

[Satan reattaches the Pick and returns to full power]

Satan:
[singing]] I am complete! Yes you are f***ed, sh*t out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!

[luckily, JB jumps in]

JB:
Waaait! Waaait! Waaaait you motherf***er! We challenge you, to play a rock-off challenge! [Satan sighs] Yeah, that's one chance you have to rock your socks off...

[silence]

Satan:
F***! F***! F***! The Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge, quick, name your terms, what's the caaa-aatch?

Jables:
If we win, you must take, your sorry ass back to Hell. And you will have to pay our reee-eee-eent.

Satan:
And if I win?

Jables:
[not thinking straight] Then you can take Kage back to Hell.

Kage:
What?

Jables:
Trust me Kage, its the only way.

Kage:
But what are you talking about?

Jables:
To be your love b*tch!

Satan:
Fine! Fine! Let the rock off, begin! Mwahahahaha! [hardcore rock] I'm the Devil I love metal! Check this lick its f***ing tasty, mwahaha! I'm the Devil I can do what I want, I can rock my ass in this flaunt, there's never been a rock off I've ever lost! I can't wait to take Kage back to Hell, I'm going to lick him with my hot demon gel, I'm going to squeal him like my scarlett pimpernel!

[Satan shows torture and sex instruments causing JB to yell no!]

JB:
NO! Ok Kage, let's fight his music, with our music.

Kage:
There's just no way we can win, that was a masterpiece.

JB:
Listen to me!

Kage:
He rocks so hard because he is not a mortal man!

JB:
Goddamnit Kage! He's going to make you his sex slave! You're gonna gurgle mayonnaise!

Kage:
Ohhh!

JB:
Unless we bust this massive mammojam!

Kage:
But JB, we've been through so much sh*t.

JB:
Deactivating lasers with my dick. Now it's time to blow this f***er down. Come on Kage, now it's time to blow doors down!

Kage:
I hear you Jables now its time to blow doors down!

JB:
Line up the stage cos its time for the showdown, but then we get to take this around town! Now we get to blow this f***er down! Come on Kage he's gonna get you if you don't blow this f***er down! We know your secret, your rock is faulty! Your rock can't hurt us or blow our minds, we're gonna defeat you, for all mankind, you hold the Sceptre, you hold the Key, you are the Devil, we are the D! We are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D we are the D!

[music ends]

Satan:
You guys are f***ing lame! Come on Kage you're coming with me!!

[Jables and Kyle're being chased by cops in a chase Kyle started]

Jables & KG:
[singing] Car Chase City, that's the name of the game, it was all groovy, now it's totally lame! KG really f***ing, blew a synapse, Now we're f***ing headed for a total collapse! Car Chase City, run away from the Fuzz! Thought that we wasn't but we totally was! Car Chase City, now we're off the map! Car Chase City, Now I'm takin' a crap! Now it's getting hairy, so we're changing the key Never underestimate, the power of the D! KG f***ing put his foot on the gas If we go to prison, shove the Pick up my ass! F*** this sh*t, it's gone too far! KG pull over let me out of the car, Car Chase City, now we're taking the lane! KG blew it, now we're going insane!!!! Let's rock, let's roll, let me fill up your hole, Let's rock, let's roll, Car Chase City patrol! Picks, speed, turbo, oh, argh, gas, brakes, Spinning donuts, so spinning donuts, roll, flip it, gas, nitro, go!