That Mitchell and Webb Look

Mr Terrific:
[Big Talk panel show] Look at my boffins! They were bullied at school, yet they still want to give something back to society...

Announcer:
Tonight on Panorama, the issue of Social Workers who are themselves Mental or Going Mental in "You do have to be Mad to Work Here but it Doesn't Help".

Man with Bland Opinions:
I think success is punished in this country... Someone's got to help me!

Sir Alan Sugar:
[the Apprentices have gathered] Right, it's time to fire one of you. I don't know why, I mean, I wouldn't be a millionaire if I fired 15% of my workforce every day in real life. Does anyone want to make it easier by pointlessly lying or trying to take credit for something they didn't do? No? I'll just fire the fat bloke, then.

John:
Now we know! Now we know! Now we know!

Director:
John! John. You were talking.

John:
Was I?

Director:
Yes, you were saying "Now we know."

John:
Really? "Now we know"? That's weird. Why would I say that?

Director:
...We don't know.

Mr Terrific:
And there's just time to go to Gyles Brandreth for the last word!

Gyles Brandreth:
That's Numberwank!

Mr Terrific:
It's NumberWANG!

Gyles Brandreth:
...F***.

Ted:
Ooo, and that's a bad miss.

Peter:
It's very upsetting for him. Harry Vaughn, of course, is old enough to remember the days when that long walk back from the table ended in the consolation of a proper drink.

Ted:
Instead, all he can do is imagine that pint at the end of the session, the cooling larger-y swallow and that first suck on a Lambert.

Peter:
What a contrast, look at Harry Vaughn there, staring mournfully at his water.

Ted:
Look at that, you could put a goldfish in that glass and it wouldn't even die.

Henry:
I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this. I'd like to see the manager.

Waiter:
How can I possibly introduce you to the manager? You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hold your ladle like a pen. Now take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and get out.

SS Officer #2:
I really can't think of anything worse as a symbol than a skull.

SS Officer #1:
A rat's anus?

SS Officer #2:
Yes, and if we were fighting an army matching under the banner of a rat's anus I'd probably be a lot less worried, Hans.

SS Officer #2:
Er, Hans?

SS Officer #1:
Have courage, my friend.

SS Officer #2:
Yeah. Er, Hans, I've just noticed something...

SS Officer #1:
[Looking through binoculars] These communists are all cowards.

SS Officer #2:
Have you looked at our caps recently?

SS Officer #1:
Our caps?

SS Officer #2:
The badges on our caps, have you looked at them?

SS Officer #1:
What? No. A bit.

SS Officer #2:
They've got skulls on them. Have you noticed that our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?

SS Officer #1:
Uh, I don't...

SS Officer #2:
Hans... are we the baddies?

Robert Webb:
[running in] David! I've got this great... why are you being filmed?

David Mitchell:
It's for the background of one of the DVD menus.

Robert Webb:
What, just you sitting there?

David Mitchell:
Yeah, I sit here for five minutes and they loop it. At one point I scratch my face.

Robert Webb:
Well, who's gonna watch that?

David Mitchell:
Freaks.

Ted:
Ooh, and that's a bad miss.

Peter:
And just look at the disappointment on Chris Lester's pretty little face. That is a shame.

Ted:
He is devastated. And I can never make up my mind whether or not he looks more stunning in moments of adversity such as these as he does in moments of elation and joy.

Peter:
Well Ted, for the fullest answer to that question you'd have to ask his lovely girlfriend Jackie. But I know what you mean, there is a quality to his fragile isolation that puts you in mind of Winona Ryder in court.

Ted:
Which is about as sexy as it gets.

Various:
You! What are you drinking?

Various:
A coffee.

Various:
What type?

Various:
It's an "expresso".

Various:
The word is "espresso". [Shoots Employee]

Raymond Terrific:
That's Numberwang!

Caroline:
And pray Miss Bennet what do you call this quaint country dance

Elizabeth:
we call it the conga Miss Bingley. I suppose you have not heard of it.

Caroline:
Do you hear that Mr Darcy? Ms. Bennett chides us for our ignorance of local customs.

Elizabeth:
I certainly do not mean to chide, but I confess myself surprised by Mr.Darcy's behaviour.

Caroline:
Ms.Bennett you astound me! What could there be in the behaviour of poor Mr Darcy that provokes such hasty slander?

Elizabeth:
Forgive my impertinence, I merely wish to observe that Mr Darcy refuses to partake of the Conga, yet gentlemen are scarce, and there are plainly several young ladies left wholly out of the Conga.

Caroline:
But what in heavens does this to do with Mr. Darcy

Darcy:
It's meant to go boy, girl, boy, girl. You are right Ms. Bennett, perhaps I am too hard. It is only in defence of my rank that I feel bound to abstain. A Gentleman does not Conga.

Elizabeth:
I would be loathe to make a habit of contradicting you sir, but my father is a gentleman and he Congas with the best of them. Perhaps it is not simply the Conga but all manner of dance that you consider beneath your station.

Darcy:
Indeed not Ms. Bennett but you must allow that the only dance my position could possibly support is that of free-style disco.

Caroline:
Will you not, Ms Bennett that Mr Darcy has been free-style disco champion of all Darvishire these last dozen years?

Elizabeth:
I confess I did not know.

Caroline:
In faith, what would appear to be the summation of all that you do not know, Ms. Bennett, would make for quite a...

Darcy:
Oh Caroline would you please SHUT THE F*** UP!

Elizabeth:
Perhaps, Mr. Darcy you would be kind enough to favor us with a brief exhibition of your freestyle disco prowess?

Darcy:
I see that it has been forced upon me from the start. I assure you it gives me no pleasure!