The 58th Annual Tony Awards

Hugh Jackman:
[after the opening number] What about those Rockettes? I knew these long legs would come in handy one day.

Hugh Jackman:
"One Night Only," the words I'll be hearing from my agents when I tell them I'm coming back to Broadway.

Anika Noni Rose:
Chandra Wilson told me to write a speech. I didn't do it!

Sean Combs:
This year I have been blessed by stepping onto a Broadway stage as an actor for the very first time.

Michael Cerveris:
[on standing onstage with Sean Combs] This is a picture I never thought I'd see: Me and Puff!

Michael Cerveris:
Thank you for proving that you don't have to kill someone to get something like this. You can just pretend to on Broadway.

Announcer:
Visitors to Oz, please direct your attention to the blonde girl in the bubble.

Glinda:
Hello. It's good to see me isn't it! No need to respond. That was rhetorical. Fellow Tonyians... [sings] Let us be glad / Let us be grateful / Let us rejoicify that here to see us through / Is a Boy from Oz whose name is... Hugh! [Hugh Jackman appears] Hugh, oh, Hugh...

Hugh Jackman:
Yes.

Glinda:
Call me... You got my number.

Hugh Jackman:
Alright. It's Glinda from Wicked, Kristin Chenoweth everybody. [applause] Kristin Chenoweth. ["shooing" her] Go on, off you go. I hate to blow her off like that.

Jack O'Brien:
[on his win] I was so convinced I talked myself out of this by repeating my mantra: "We're classy and we're closed."

Hugh Jackman:
[on performer Tony Bennett] He just told me backstage actually that when he got back from World War II, he went to the American Theatre Wing School on the GI bill, and that's where he learned everything he knows about singing, performing and picking up chicks.

Sandra Gillman:
Last December, Broadway lost one its greatest friends: Isabelle Stevenson.

Nicole Kidman:
[puts on reading glasses] I need these unfortunately.

Harvey Fierstein:
As the book writer for one big smash and one big smelly flop, I always wondered if anyone knows just what goes into making a great musical. When a show is a hit, the critics trip over themselves not knowing who to laud and applaud the loudest. It's that marvelous score, those urbane lyrics, that irreplaceable star. But only when a show is a flop, does anyone notice the book writer. And then it's always our fault. The people we don't have to blame are...

Hugh Jackman:
Our next presenter is...

Rod:
Omigod! It's the Boy from Oz!

Hugh Jackman:
It's Rod from Avenue Q, everybody! [applause]

Rod:
Hugh... oh, Huey, Huey, Huey, Huey, Huey, I am one of your biggest fans. I saw you in "Oklahoma" in London and "Sunset Boulevard" in Sydney and I'm wishing you the best of luck on winning "Best Leading Actor in a Musical."

Hugh Jackman:
I'm wishing you luck too.

Rod:
Really? Thank you. You know, Hugh, you are a very successful gentleman and I'm an investment banker, so if you ever need anyone to take care of your assets...

Hugh Jackman:
You mean like my wife?

Rod:
Right - Oh. What a lucky lady.

Hugh Jackman:
Now, look, mate, I'd like to...

Rod:
Wait, say that again!

Hugh Jackman:
Mate?

Rod:
Again!

Hugh Jackman:
G'day, mate!

Rod:
Touch me!

Hugh Jackman:
[carresses Rod] Take it easy, mate.

Rod:
Look into my eyes. [Rod kisses Hugh] I did it! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Hugh Jackman:
Deb, if I go to the Avenue Q party, you'll know why.

LL Cool J:
I know when you think of the Tony Awards, you don't immediately think LL Cool J, so to help me present the award for Best Score, I'd like to bring out a popular, contemporary artist who has a little more experience. Come on out here, baby. [Carol Channing enters]

Carol Channing:
[before rapping "Hello, Dolly" with LL Cool J] I've been updating my act.

Hugh Jackman:
[after Carol Channing and LL Cool J's "Hello Dolly" rap] This just in: Carol Channing has been arrested in a drive-by shooting.

Martin Short:
A few years ago, I won a Tony for Little Me and I learned two important lessons from that experience. 1. Fair-weather friends are so much more interesting to be around and 2. It's amazing what this award fetches on eBay.

Martin Short:
A musical is only as good as its director. The same can also be said for the CIA. [applause]

Jimmy Fallon:
I know what you're thinking, "There's been a horrible mistake. I was sent here and Brian Dennehy was sent to the MTV Music Awards."

Hugh Jackman:
Welcome back, and a special welcome back to those of you who were watching 'The Sopranos.' Here is what you missed at our little barbeque: I danced with the Rockettes, a witch came on in a bubble [Kristin Chenoweth as Glinda] , a lot of Jews danced their way out of Russia [Fiddler on the Roof] , Tony Bennett sang, [imitating Fierstein] , Harvey Fierstein presented an award, [normal voice] there was swing dancing [Wonderful Town] , a whole bunch of people did a musical number about assassinating presidents [Assassins] and there were puppets in group therapy [Avenue Q] . It's not TV, it's the Tony Awards.

Jeff Whitty:
[taking the stage to accept the award for Best Book of a Musical] There are so many people from this angle that I can't believe it. I'm crying. That's so embarrassing.

Robert Lopez:
When we started writing Avenue Q four years ago, Jeff was an intern and I was a temp. Our lives kind of sucked, so we came up with an idea for a show for people like us whose lives kinda suck.

Jerry Stiller:
We made it! Radio City Hall! Last time I was here, I saw Snow White.

Anne Meara:
Jerry, this is about Broadway, it's not about you.

Jerry Stiller:
[interupting] This is my moment. I saw Snow White here. I still remember their names: Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Snoop Dogg, Snoop...

Brian F. O'Byrne:
I'm not sure if a grinning Irish guy who is speechless for 45 seconds is going to make good TV.

Audra McDonald:
The only thing I've ever wanted to do in my entire life is to be on Broadway.

Audra McDonald:
This belongs to Lorraine Hansberry [the playright of 'A Raisin in the Sun'] .

Joe Mantello:
I learned this year how hard directing musicals can be. I want to acknowledge Jerry Zaks and the unforgettable original cast of Assassins that I saw on a really cold night in 1991. You blazed a trail for us and we are grateful.

Jimmy Fallon:
People ask me, "Jimmy, how'd you get here tonight?" Let's just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.

Phylicia Rashad:
Often I have wondered, what does it take for this to happen? And now I know. It takes effort and grace.

Jefferson Mays:
To be nominated among such luminaries was honor enough, but, nevertheless, I thank you for this.

Jefferson Mays:
In 1906, Antoinette Perry was described by a New York critic as the sweetest, most piquant ing?nue on Broadway and I think Charlotte von Mahlsdorf [the character he plays] would love to have been remembered in a similar fashion.

Peter Allen:
[to Sarah Jessica Parker before pulling her onstage in the middle of his The Boy from Oz Tony number, "The Boy Next Door"] I feel like a little Sex in the City... Hello, Sarah Jessica!

Peter Allen:
[to a seemingly nervous Sarah Jessica Parker, before doing the lambada] It's only about 6,000 people... and about 6,000 on telly.

Sarah Jessica Parker:
[afraid of a waldrobe malfunction while doing the lambada with Hugh Jackman] I am scared of my top! This is the wrong network!

Bernard Gersten:
[Lincoln Center Theater Executive Producer accepting the Tony for Best Revival of a Play for Henry IV] I've got a 189 people to thank and, no, I am not going to read all of their names!

Bernadette Peters:
I've been fortunate in my career to have performed in revivals of great musicals and to have originated roles in musicals that have in turn been revived. And I'm not dead!

Todd Haimes:
[Roundabout Artistic Director accepting the Tony for Best Revival of a Musical for Assassins] A nicer bunch of Assassins you'd never hope to meet!

Doug Wright:
[I Am My Own Wife playwright accepting the Best Play award] To my fellow writer nominees for writing so articulately in such ferociously inarticulate times...

Idina Menzel:
I am so proud to be in a musical that celebrates women, that celebrates their strengths and their differences.

Nathan Lane:
Big news backstage - Donald Trump is coming to Broadway in "I *Was* My Own Wife, But Then I Got Fired."

Doug Wright:
[referring to Jefferson Mays' win] Our entire cast just won Tony Awards!

David Richenthal:
[I Am My Own Wife producer speaking out in favor of gay marriage] Charlotte von Mahlsdorf may have been her own wife, but suppose she wanted to marry Alfred?

Ren?e Zellwegger:
This has been an extraordinary year for women on Broadway.

Nicole Kidman:
The characters portrayed by the nominees for Best Leading Actor in a Musical are two puppets: one a fresh-faced college graduate, the other a Republican investment banker with a personal secret [John Tartaglia], a meek shop clerk with a man-eating plant [Hunter Foster], a homosexual pop star [Euan Morton], a milkman who talks to God [Alfred Molina] and a man who married Liza Minnell [Hugh Jackman]... and you can fill in your own joke.

Hugh Jackman:
[during his acceptance speech for Best Actor in a Musical] I've been up here all night, and I am now absolutely trembling.

Hugh Jackman:
Peter Allen, you wrote this song called "Making Every Moment Count," you did it. You did it onstage and offstage. Peter - it's an honor to play you and I dedicate this Tony to your memory.

Robyn Goodman:
[producer of Avenue Q] It certainly doesn't suck to be us tonight.

Jeffrey Seller:
[Avenue Q producer] Thank you Broadway for voting your heart.